The Law Of Eddie

I recently announced my conversion to Bagorian Islam, which you can read about HERE. Late last night I received a Wild Irish Rose induced supernatural word of inspiration from our deity, Fast Eddie Karbunckle. Although his speech was filled with slurred mutterings and expletives, I could nonetheless disseminate what he was saying to me.

Much like Moses all of those years ago I was handed ten rules with which to live our lives. Unlike Moses, instead of using huge granite tablets, these rules were written with a dry erase marker upon a grease stained menu from Bob's Grill and Liquor Mecca. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give unto you…The Ten Commattments.

I. I Eddie, am your Lord and drinking buddy, thou shall only drink with those of like mind and ability to hold their alcohol. If they are offering to pay, that’s a plus.

II. Thou shall make any damn image of me that you want. I am dead and don’t really care. On top of that, you can take them to a flea market and sell them for Bagwine money.

III. You damn well better take my name in vain on a daily basis…especially if someone doesn’t use their turn signals, talks at the movies, asks for you to pay your bar tab, or is just an annoying asshole. If you stray from this rule, you are a big pussy.

IV. Remember to keep Friday Happy Hour and the ensuing vomiting of greasy chicken wings and Margaritas, as the Sabbath. This is NOT negotiable.

V. You can honor your Father and Mother if you want, but I never had either. My mom OD’d on Makers Mark and Clorox and my dad ran off with a transsexual Korean shrimper named Kiwi. My advice, find an old delusional bitch and tell her that you are her long lost child. Honor her until she changes her will in your favor and kicks the bucket.

VI. Thou shall not kill but if someone is an asshole take a bag of fertilizer to their front yard and write out in huge letters, “On This Property Lives A Big Dumb Motherfucker”.

VII. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you can get away with it without a huge divorce settlement, a gunshot wound, or a case of the clap.

VIII. Thou shall not steal from your buddy who is passed out. He may be able to be used as an alibi at a later date.

IX. Thou shall not bear false witness unless it would put Commattments VII and VIII in jeopardy.

X. Party On, and Covet Anything You Damn Well Want To. Cheers!!

Indeed, Cheers!!