Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream Of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so rub me with Aloe Vera because I feel like a reptile that has just begun to shed his skin.

My snake is out because I just saw a picture of Jayne Mansfield. Sure she’s dead, but I find her breasts to be bee-yoo-tee-ful. I wanna numb them….num num num. Okay I’m better, really Schmoop. My mind is filled with bad, bad thoughts.

God, I am hungry. I could go for a Big Mac and a bowl full of Canadian Night Crawlers. Middle America meets Fear Factor. My glucose levels must be very, very low. OJ Simpson is currently being questioned about breaking into a Las Vegas casino Hotel room.

I think he was just looking for his wife’s killer, although I think the late Johnnie Cochran would have said, “If the room is a mess, you must blame it on the guest!!”

Jesus, my mind feels like Jello on acid. I have so many things going on and yet my thoughts are all swaying. Bill Cosby, take me away. George Bush really summed things up last night…He pretty much said, “If you join the military, you have job security.”

The Browns play the Bengals Sunday, which is kinda like the blind playing the hearing. What does that mean?…I don’t know, maybe it’s like, the late Ray Charles yelling at Marlee Maitlen saying, “Hey Bitch, did you hear what a good job Jamie Foxx did portraying me?” Boo Yah and massage my corns.

I have a freaky kinda feeling today. I feel like shucking some corn. I can’t eat corn on the cob but I find shucking it to be very therapeutic. It gives me the feeling of being a porn fluffer. I get it ready for someone else’s mouth. Have an ear on me Suzette!! If I was a salad dressing I would like to be a bottle of Thousand Island.

If I was Thousand Island, most people wouldn’t like me, which is true, but I would get to spend my life on a Reuben Sandwich. If I could spend my life wrapped in Corned Beef I would be a happy man. Sure, George Costanza likes velvet, Elvis liked gold lame’, but I would love being ensconced in Corned Beef.

If only my two little potatoes would cooperate with my meat cape. Of course it would be better if my incredibly bitter friend Joe Schultz could join me, that way I could be accompanied by a Sour Kraut. Hahhhhhhhhh get it?

Do you think that Senator Larry Craig wanted to have naughty times with Bill Clinton? Am I the only one who has thought of this? Would Larry have said, “Mr. President, on behalf of the folks of the great state of Idaho, I offer you, Mr. Potato Head.” And then I can hear President Clinton responding, “That’s great Senator, but I have a thing for stogie smoking Pierogies.” Poor Larry, so close to the big time.

Anyway, I must be off. I will try to have an Inky and Lola for ya this weekend. Take it easy, enjoy your weekend, and spend it looking for Nicole Brown’s murderer.

Cheers!!