It’s Stream of Reality Friiiiiday. Yeah, that’s what I said. No, not Stream of Consciousness Friday. Why, you ask? ‘Cause I got nothing.
Nothing…nada…zip.
I have to take my son to school, pick him up this afternoon, and take him home, but other than that…not so much.
It appears that today I will be one big flesh ball of inertia.
I can’t clean the digs, because I did my naked house cleaning yesterday. I should really have remembered to shut the blinds, but mistakes happen.
For that, I want to publicly apologize for the visual holocaust experienced by Mr. Tomlin who was taking his afternoon walk past my window while I was vacuuming in the buff. Sorry guy.
I guess I could take 10 minutes and cut my toenails today. The claws on the big toes are getting a bit lethal. Maybe I’ll paint them as well, at least that will kill an additional 15 minutes.
Lessee, what else could I do?
The cat has been kinda pissin’ me off of late. Maybe I’ll rearrange the furniture while she is sleeping. She hates when that happens.
When she wakes up and things are moved around, it’s like her entire universe has been disrupted…she freaks.
I have a Blues song that I could put music to. It’s called, “Pass Me the Bleu Cheese Dressing for My Salad, Low Down Lenten Blues”. Long on title, short on funny. I am at a loss…*sigh*.
I could fire up my Yahoo Messenger and troll for some hot babe with which to have cyber sex. Trust me, I look sexy on the internets.
Chicks virtually dig me…well, until I get too excited, start typing too fast, and prematurely shoot a load of e-spooge all over my keyboard.
From that point in the conversation, the women think I am ignoring them, when in actuality my keys are just stuck together and I am unable to type.
It’s funny how my cyber sex life mirrors my real life sex life.
Any ideas on how I should spend my Friday?
I guess I could read my Bible. I always keep it marked on Genesis 19: 30-38.
I love reading about Lot’s daughters getting Dad all drunked up, and then getting their Sodomite freak on with him.
I do love me some Heavenly Inspired, Cave Sex Incest Porn.
Maybe I’ll just lay on the couch in my underwear and watch The View.
Those idiots make me feel so much better about myself. Plus, I often fantasize about getting naked with Barbara Walters, and teasing her with ice cubes and hot candle wax.
I just noticed something. When I get bored I think about sex quite a bit, don’t I? Sorry about that…
Well, if you have any ideas for me, let me know.
I really need to get a fire lit under me, and more importantly, I need to quit fantasizing about Barbara Walters. It's just not healthy.
Happy Friday.
Cheers!!
72 comments:
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't take boredom to induce your sexual thoughts - unless, of course, you are ALWAYS bored!
Now take those lovely thoughts and *DO* something with them - preferably without the premature e-spooging.
I just noticed something. When I get bored I think about sex quite a bit, don’t I? Sorry about that…
Dang! You cut out line 33 in that photo, thats when it starts to get good!!!!!!!!!!!
Dana: Yeah I know I do. But you didn't have to point out my obsession publicly.
I'll try not to Premie spooge. Cheers!!
Micky: Ha...That was pretty good. Cheers and and here's the Hot Lot Chicks!!
I'm sure you'll think of sompin Matt.
Maybe you could start by cleaning your keyboard...and start all over again?
Peace
Those legs could use a little color...how about a trip to the tanning salon...
;-)
Odat: I have been trying but the crap is like Super Glue. Cheers!!
Leelee: They are not quite as white as the flash makes them out to be. No, Really. Cheers!!
I'm not buyin' it. But it's ok...really!
Leelee: I would not go to a tanning salon unless I had a full body condom.
Not for my protection, but for the protection of those who would follow. Cheers!!
lol...nuff said!
So I opened up your page today just as my 6 year old walks up and stands next to me....
She looks at the picture of your sexy (somewhat knobby kneed)legs and says....
"Why's that guy in jail?"
Kids are intuituve you know.
Boredom and sex....no sir you think of sex 24/7/365 or 366 for this year....admit it.
So when you start fantasizing about Baba WaWa we need you to go get laid...that is an order, court appointed if we need it to be!
Leelee: Always looking out for others. Cheers!!
Leighann: Y'knowww...Why do some people think that kids are so damn cute?
As you can see from this incident, they are nothing but hurtful. Cheers!!
You could always take a road trip to Tennessee and clean my house. I really need to do that while I'm off today but am I? Hmmmmmmmm... let me get back to you on that one.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
I've thought about it and I'm back.... Nah... I'll wait for you to pull in my drive... make sure you bring your sexy French Maid wear... ;-)
Have a great weekend.
SMOOCHES~
Mama: With my luck, even if I was court appointed to have sex with someone, the Governor would step in and grant the lady who was to have sex with me, a stay of execution.
Cheers!!
Masturbatory dysfunction can strike us all, don't feel bad Matt and have a good weekend!!
I'd troll around and skulk with you on Google Chat, but today I actually have stuff to do. Can you believe it? I'm finally getting my fat ass out of bed today.
Sorry you can't come along, but did you really want to get blonde highlights?
Dixie: Wait til' you see the magic I can work with a feather duster. Cheers, and Go Tigers!!
Roger: The only masturbatory dysfunction I have is callouses from overuse. Cheers!!
Songbird: Blonde Highlights? Naw, I peroxided my hair when I was sixteen, I looked like an idiot.
Glad to hear that you are moving around. Cheers!!
Don't eat soup in the rain, you will never finish...
Cheesy: Ha. I don't why, but that made me laugh out loud. Cheers!!
Cuz I am one funny [lookin] wench~~
Sorry I am missing "stream of con" Friday..
I hope you're not saying I look like an idiot. Hubby likes my blonde highlights; says it makes him think he's sleeping with a new woman.
After 19 years, it's a cheap thrill.
Don't go skiing in shark-infested waters.
Cheesy: Yes you are, funny that is. I'll bring back SOCF soon. Cheers!!
Songbird: Of course not, but I don't blame your Hubs for wanting a change of pace from time to time.
I don't think sharks eat things as sweet as me. Cheers!!
I'm still brain dead from yesterday but the legs woke me up. Niiiiice. I'll also admit to checking out the tenting on the boxers. I wish I could stay home and masturbate... Going to work kills off all sexual urges... Happy Friday!
Winter: Well...um...Why thank you. Sorry that you must kill your urges. I hate urgeicide. Cheers Winter!!
Leighann: Yes, I am very sensitive soul.
I love your pacifiers. Just love em'. Cheers!!
I'm at a loss for sugestions to occupy your day, but I would like to thank you for refraining from another pict of any part of you in Schmoop's undies.
I knew that would cheer you up. Are we friends again? I won't sic my daughter on you anymore, promise!
Jeff: I think thou doth protest too much. I think you want me. Cheers!!
Leighann: Thank you for calling off the pup. And yes, I am now quite cheery again. Cheers!!
I used to watch The View but don't anymore. The Gilmore Girls is on at the same time over on ABC Family.
No matter how hard I look at that picture, nothing pops out of the little opening in your boxers :(
LMAO @ metalmom!
I guess I can go ahead and admit that I was hoping for a little surprise too!
Jay: Gilmore Girls? C'mon seriously...You'd watch them over that sexpot Whoopi Goldberg? Cheers!!
Metalmom: Sorry, even though I took the pic early in the morning, I had already peed and lost my just woken up barooga. Cheers!!
Leighann: (see above) Cheers!!
Matt-Man, Is genesis 19 the one that has 'Illegal Alien' or 'ABACAB' on it?
THANK YOU LADIES! I thought for a second there that I was the only one checking out those boxers. Heh.
Winter: It's nice to know that there is some interest, albeit undoubtedly ghoulish in nature. Cheers!!
Sorry bro, I don't care how many thous and thees you use I just don't play for that team.
Note to self...day fifteen of meatlessness causes homogyretic fantisies with internet brother.
Dude, run don't walk to the nearest White Castle and get a greasy cheeseburger!
Jeff: Shut up and kiss me...preferably after you have just eaten a suitcase full of Sliders. Cheers!!
Well what lady wouldn't get overly excited, seeing those sexy stems of yours on the computer screen?
Barbara Walters? Matt-man...why why why???
Deb: You lie so well Deb, and with a straight face. I can't help it about the Baba thing.
I think it's the overbite that does it for me. Cheers!!
My Yahoo id is kyramuchmore.
Just so you know.
Kyra: Are you virtually propositioning me? Va va va voooooom. Cheers!!
are YOU screwing to lower the divorce rate??
Hot Lemon: If I can, and someone needs my service I would be more than happy to. Cheers!!
Yeah MM, nice shot of the other half of you... cyber sex, eh? I think that men get much more pleasure from it than women do, think? I read somewhere how you can de-gunk keyboards but can't 'member how right now... maybe you need such a day to give your mind and hands a rest... you could write a song about cyber sex, sticky keyboards, cyber let down, your lower half, well, I could go on, but, surely there is somethin to be done with you??? :)))
Am I the only commenter that noticed what a ginormous bulge you have????
My GAWD, Matt-man...are you happy to see me or what? :0
Lyn: I usually bring up both my screenames and Instant Message back and forth to myself. It's like cyber masturbation.
That way the pleasure given is equal to the pleasure received.
Not a bad song topic at all...I may work on that this weekend. Cheers Lyn!!
Real: Ha...I am always happy to see you. I feel so jealous of the population of South America. ; )~ Cheers!!
omgosh i over slept this morning and this is what i missed? shoot.
i had fun rubbing my mouse over and over and over.... you knees of course! ;)~ nice. did it feel good?
it must be nice to not have anything to do today. guess we can start planning our amuzement park. What ride do you want to ride today Matt-Man?
Jahooni: I thought I felt a tingling in my pants. Now I know why!!
I think maybe today we could try out the Chinese Basket. Wind er' up Jahooni, and get ready to spin. Cheers!!
does this ride require me laying on my back, standing or sitting position? ;)~
Jahooni: Google It...It's kind of a Sit 'n' Spin kinda ride. Woo Hoo. Cheers!!
i did. wow.
i haven't been on it before.... ;p
Jahooni: Darn clever those Chinese, aren't they? Cheers!!
*LOL* You remind me of that "What´s on a man´s mind" drawing =)
Just like your new header (which I love): A mixture of bagwine-red, sperm-white and rubber latex-black!
Happy weekend!
Men don't have to be bored to think about sex. Isn't that pretty much what you all think about 24/7 anyway? I'm thinking so. Now for Barbara Walters. Come on Matt-Man, I thought you had much better taste that that. What in the hell are you goind to do with that dried up old prune? Bwahahahaha. Have a great day and weekend. :)
Not the "I'm bored" routine! Say it ain't so matt-man; I get that one from my kids all the time. I always give them a map to the freeway. Hey, it's like guitar hero except the chords will be coming at you a bit faster...
I think you should do rewrite the primaries into a Survivor/American Idol contest. I'd do it but I'm no good at politics. You know, have the candidates do those survivor challenges based on real issues going on: throw Hillary into a pit and start filling it with cockroaches to simulate the federal debt...fun stuff like that.
Come on, get your mind off Barbara. There's so much going on that need the matt-man point of view. Fires in Somolia, Paris in Vegas, Lindsay posing nude as Marilyn, Boa constrictors migrating into the USA, the JLo twins, and on and on. Time is running out.
You may now return to your normal routine of candle wax and ice cubes...
Sanni: You are so observant. Love the new pic. Happy Weekend to you and Hamster too. Cheers!!
Sandee: I guess when she asks, "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" I just melt. Cheers!!
VE: Y'know. You never fail to put me back on the right track. I am going to hire you as my "Life Coach".
Here's to you VE, Cheers!!
just like your cyber sex life mirrors your real sex life, genesis with it's incest and animal fucking and senseless violence mirrors parts of the south.
Tequila: A very astute cultural and societal observation. Now go get thee self to a bar. Cheers!!
Great post! You made me laugh. Have a great weekend Matt :)
Sindi: Thanks alot...Have a great weekend yourself. Cheers!!
Jay-zeus on a stick. Just when I thought there could not possibly be anything more disturbing than the Gene Simmons/Richard Simmons sex video I am treated to visions of nekked vacuuming, Howard Hughes toenails and cyber "E.D." Do you have any idea just how much champagne it will take to fade these images from my brain??? And of more importance--would the cost be tax deductible???
Diva: Dahling, of course the Champers are tax deductible it is a Health Care expense.
And remember, just hate the toenails, not the toenail wearer. Cheers!!
Matt Man Said: "I just noticed something. When I get bored I think about sex quite a bit, don’t I?"
Well, I must be one bored son of bitch! I have a woody right now for no particular reason and No one's home, Damn it! I might have to take matters with my own hands.DOH!
Al: While it's good to know that you are a "fully-functioning" male, I really need not know about the current status of your wood. Cheers!!
I see Barbara Walters had something to say about you recently.
Lisa: If only that were true. Cheers!!
Thanks for teh shout out on your sidebar Matt!...oh god..I AM pandering aren't I...
Leelee: Pander away, it becomes you. Cheers!!
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