I had a revelation last night.I was drinking beer and eating pizza when a theory popped in to my empty head.
You see, I looked at the Bible that sits upon my table at the exact moment I heard a clip of Johnny Mathis on TV.
It all made sense to me at that point…
God is Gay!!
I’m not talking, let’s sing Hosanna and dance around the burning bush kinda gay…
I’m talking a John Waters, Rip Taylor, Oscar Wilde kinda gay…
An in your face, intelligent living room design, supernatural homosexual.
It certainly makes sense when you look at the Bible.
Adam and Eve…These two Garden of Eden go-getters got it on, and gasp…look what happened. Sin was born.
Not a good first chapter for the history of heterosexuality my friends.
In I and II Samuel you have Jonathan and that young, sling slaying piece of beefcake, David, involved in a fifteen year relationship.
They would often “make time alone together“ and “affirm their love”. Ol’ Dave wasn't slingin’ his rocks just at Goliath.
Years later, Michelangelo would turn out to be not only a great artist, but also a legendary producer of gay porn thanks to Dave’s kosher man-meat.
And then we have Mary and the little baby Jeebus…A child born of God through an immaculate conception.
God impregnated Mary this way, because he wanted to safeguard her virginity and protect the savior from original sin, right?
Pffffffft. The Almighty just didn’t want to get naked with an “icky girl”.
Plain and Simple. The very thought of sex with women makes the big guy kvetch.
Speaking of Jesus, why name him Jesus? Well, what better name to say when one has the lilting lisp of a gay man? None.
And then of course, Jeebus walks around for years with 12 other guys doing God knows what.
C’mon folks this has gay written all over it.
“True, but what about Mary Magdalene being with him and the others, Matt-Man?"
Two words people, “Fag Hag”.
Are you all blind to this?
But God’s sexual sway makes no never mind…Either way, the rules of getting to Heaven are the same.
And if you make it there you can walk on roads paved with gold.
Why gold? Does it represent eternal wealth and abundance?
No you morons, any self-respecting gay God who's worth a lick, would make sure that the color of the roads match the color of the sun.
Sheesh, must I explain everything?
Happy Monday...be blessed and be gay.
Cheers!!
56 comments:
Mary Magdalene is my hero - well, except the Fag Hag status ...
Dana: That makes you even hotter in my eyes. Cheers Dana!!
Who knew Milwaukee's Best Light could be the source of so much inspiration!
TB: Same great blasphemy, and half the calories as regular beer. Cheers TB!!
It all makes so much sense now...I must go forth and sodomize...
Mr. Fab: Enjoy. And believe it or not, this is all leading to a more philosophical post. Cheers!!
HA HA HA ! My favorite was the reference to interior deisgn. Good one today Matt-Man :)
Lu: Ha, that was my fave as well. Cheers Lu!!
That was so wrong, it's right.
intelligent living room design, supernatural homosexual LOL!
Jo: Ha. Thanks. It just all came together for me, and helped me to sort out the meaning of life. Cheers!!
See what Milwaukee's Worst will do to
a guys thinking.
Roger: Au Contraire...It's the next best thing to Bagwine...or a godd 7 and 7. Cheers!!
...can I get a witness?!?!
Phfrankie: Amen, and turn on the track lighting Brother Phfrankie. Cheers!!
Well Hot Damn...there is a completely naked guy on your post today! ;^)
Hugs,
Kimmie
Matt, Honey, If this were true, and since we are created in the image an of All Mighty God, wouldn't you have posted a picture of Ward Cleaver the other day? And I guess that means YOU would have worn the pearls B*tch.
Lovin' Ya even when I don't. ;D
(cause, you know, that's just how we Christians are!!)
Jennifer
I think you should have beer and pizza every day...
Kimmie: Yeah, but he isn't very flexible. Cheers!!
Jen: Maybe the heteros are the "perversions". After all, Jews are God's chosen people and they aren't a majority by any means. Cheers!!
DB: Y'know...I really like that idea. I may follow your advice. Cheers Hot Stuff!!
If I had been drinking coffee when I reached "Fag Hag" I woulda sprayed on the monitor. However, I know better than to drink and read Matt-Man. Excellent hypothesis! I took that gay quiz last night and found out I'm 63% gay. But I think that's because I know how to change the oil in the car and I'm not afraid to say so...
Winter: Ha. I love that phrase and I don't say it with any disparaging intent whatsoever.
So, when you say you can change the oil in a car, do you mean that literally, or is that a euphemism. ; ) Cheers!!
After that, I can't think "straight"!
Peace
You? A Perversion? Perish the thought. And there is that whole "Jewish Mother" cliche' in the Chosen's culture. Points to ponder Matt-Man. Cheers back atcha.
Jen
Just for fun I linked this to all the conservative Christian sites...(kidding). You should be in sales...you can convince anyone of anything! Matt-man rules.
God is so gay in the Oscar Wilde way. You should put that on some rubber bracelets and spread the word.
Odat: Ha. Very Good. Cheers Pal!!
Jen: But if Esther can get pregnant by thought or just a touch, even better 'cause she save money on plastic surgery and work in an extra trip to Palm Beach. Cheers!!
VE: Ha. I have done that with some of my posts. They just ignore me. Although Pastor Rod Parsley stops by when I mention him.
I was in sales, and Schmoop can attest, I was goooood at it. Cheers and thanks VE!!
Knight: Perfect!! We could even have a theme song...
Oh I wish I was an Oscar Wilde Christian,
Then all the world would wanna worship me!!
Cheers!!
SO, this new job of yours, it involves working around dangerous chemicals that cause brain cells to solidify and then melt out your right ear when you sleep.
That's what this is all about...right?
As long as it isn't Richard Simmons kinda gay.. I am ok with it.....
Bond: No silly man...It involves doleing out hedonistic pleasure and cirrhosis of the liver to the masses. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Oh c'mon Cheesy 2...3..4...He's great, 5...6...7...8. Don't Hate, Get in Shape. Cheers!!
I'm with Winter... fortunately, I had just swallowed my coffee when I got to "Fag Hag!" You kill me!
You know, I had beer and pizza last night but the only inspiration that struck was, "I think I need another beer," and I'm also pretty sure my former neighbor, George, is gay, even though he *told* me he wasn't (like I care).
Desert Rat: Ha...I apologize for the near choking incident. As for your former neighbor, he is truly a gay man of God. Though if he denies it, his name should be Peter. Cheers!!
Oh...Stiff totally works for me! LOL!!!
Kimmie: Well take a cold shower while reading The Book of Psalms. Cheers!!
Jesus is gay? Well, he was VERY dramatic wasn't he? And kinda bitchy too. ;-)
Jay: And when wanted to build his Church, on whom did he build it? PETER!! Uh-huh. See? Cheers Jay!!
You know, I was a Fag Hag in college. Does that make me sainted?
Songbird: In my eyes it does, but long ago, Pope Gregory would have inaccurately labeled you a whore. Cheers!!
Hmmm... maybe Jesus was also gay, don't gays typically hate their mother's?
"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother...he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)
"Woman, what have I to do with thee?" (John 2:4)
"Woman, behold thy son!" (John 19:26)
So if Jesus hated her so, why must we must worship mothers every year? Oh that's right, because for one day year the whole nation practices Catholicism...
Covert: No, no, no...For one day a year (among a couple of others) our nation practices Hallmarkolism. Cheers Sexy!!
You're so right! That's why Heaven is so over the top with the Pearl Gates and whatnot. A straight guy could never think that up!
RLL: Damn Straight Real. No straight guy is gonna make Heaven THAT pretty. Cheers!!
Just how much beer did you drink before you had this revelation? Bwahahahahahaha. Fag Hag? She just turned over in her grave.
I ain't switching sides though. I like my meat! Have a great day Matt-Man.
I've been accused of being that, too.
Sandee: She's rolling around on her cloud. Enjoy your meat. Cheers!!
Songbird: What? Gay? Being accused of being Gay isn't a bad thing. Cheers!!
Tug: Call Tom Cruise. He's covering up. Cheers!!
Yes. Millwaukee Best Light can have adverse effects to the mind.
I'm glad to see it didn't effect yours at all!
Micky: Thanks. I am still among the thinking. Cheers Mick!!
No, there isn't anything wrong with being gay. I, however, was accused of being a whore. Call me Mary Magdalene's intern.
well, you may be able to convince me he is Bi.
eh...maybe not...only one combination makes babies after all...
Songbird: Some people are so insightful. ; ) Cheers!!
Kat: Evidently not. Just ask God. Cheers!!
The Last Supper was a total sausage fest.
GB: Now THAT's funny. Cheers!!
Millwaukee Best Light? Com on now... do I need to buy more stuff from the Bagwine mall?
You still own a Bible? There is hope!
Jahooni: Always happy if you did, but actually we like the MBL. Cheers Jahoooooni!!
Marilyn: Look closely at the picture...There are TWO Bibles sitting there. Cheers!!
Joseph and his coat of many colors screams Poof as well ;)
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