I had a revelation last night.I was drinking beer and eating pizza when a theory popped in to my empty head.
You see, I looked at the Bible that sits upon my table at the exact moment I heard a clip of Johnny Mathis on TV.
It all made sense to me at that point…
God is Gay!!
I’m not talking, let’s sing Hosanna and dance around the burning bush kinda gay…
I’m talking a John Waters, Rip Taylor, Oscar Wilde kinda gay…
An in your face, intelligent living room design, supernatural homosexual.
It certainly makes sense when you look at the Bible.
Adam and Eve…These two Garden of Eden go-getters got it on, and gasp…look what happened. Sin was born.
Not a good first chapter for the history of heterosexuality my friends.
In I and II Samuel you have Jonathan and that young, sling slaying piece of beefcake, David, involved in a fifteen year relationship.
They would often “make time alone together“ and “affirm their love”. Ol’ Dave wasn't slingin’ his rocks just at Goliath.
Years later, Michelangelo would turn out to be not only a great artist, but also a legendary producer of gay porn thanks to Dave’s kosher man-meat.
And then we have Mary and the little baby Jeebus…A child born of God through an immaculate conception.
God impregnated Mary this way, because he wanted to safeguard her virginity and protect the savior from original sin, right?
Pffffffft. The Almighty just didn’t want to get naked with an “icky girl”.
Plain and Simple. The very thought of sex with women makes the big guy kvetch.
Speaking of Jesus, why name him Jesus? Well, what better name to say when one has the lilting lisp of a gay man? None.
And then of course, Jeebus walks around for years with 12 other guys doing God knows what.
C’mon folks this has gay written all over it.
“True, but what about Mary Magdalene being with him and the others, Matt-Man?"
Two words people, “Fag Hag”.
Are you all blind to this?
But God’s sexual sway makes no never mind…Either way, the rules of getting to Heaven are the same.
And if you make it there you can walk on roads paved with gold.
Why gold? Does it represent eternal wealth and abundance?
No you morons, any self-respecting gay God who's worth a lick, would make sure that the color of the roads match the color of the sun.
Sheesh, must I explain everything?
Happy Monday...be blessed and be gay.
Cheers!!
