Puttin' The Old Man In My Sights

I haven’t talked about my Presidential candidacy of late.

I have been waiting to see if I would be running against Barack “Keith Olberman Jacks Off to the Thought of Me” Obama, or Hillary “There’s a Penis in my Pantsuit” Clinton.

One thing I do know is that one of my opponents will be Senator John McCain.

I’ll start my opposition research on McCain now, and later research whomever wins between Senators Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy.

Well, I know that McCain is pretty damn old. If he’s elected President, he would be 72 when he is sworn in.

Sure, in the grand scheme of things 72 is not ancient, but c’mon, the job of President is pretty demanding.

Late night phone calls from the CIA, Hugo Chavez threatening world oil supplies, and constant flip-flopping on important issues can take a toll on even a young person.

Can we really have confidence in somebody who begins his day with a glass of Metamucil, and ends his day with a glass of Milk of Magnesia while listening to Lawrence Welk records?

McCain already has a temper, what if he becomes irregular? All I can say, if that happens…

Watch out Iran, McCain has his finger on the button and he hasn’t shit in three days!! Not good.

Now I guess McCain is a veteran. I know this because I think he has mentioned it once or twice.

He was a Navy pilot who was shot down, captured by the Vietnamese, and had the crap beat out of him for several years.

To this day he cannot raise his right arm because of it.

I see a couple of problems here…

First of all, I don’t see how being shot down by people who exist on rice and poodle burgers and becoming a P.O.W for five years qualifies one to be Commander-in-Chief.

But, I guess he would be adept at being my Director of the Bureau of Federal Prisons.

Secondly, if McCain can’t raise his right arm, and thus his right hand, he will be unable to take the oath of office.

If you can’t place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand, and promise to govern in accordance with the Holy Baby Jeebus, you got no business being in the White House.

Kiss the Religious Right goodbye Johnny. I’m outing you as oath deficient.

I am sure there plenty more things about this guy, but these are the things I shall look into first.

After all, calling this guy an old, constipated, missile magnet, who doesn’t believe in raising his hand in deference to the Lord Almighty, is a pretty good place to start.

Cheers!!