See Jane Screw With Young Dick. See Jane Get Paid For It!!

Boy's parents sue to get his baby from mom, 21
Saturday, August 16, 2008 3:12 AM
By Mary Beth Lane
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

LANCASTER, Ohio --- “A Pickerington couple and their son are fighting for custody of a baby born to a Lancaster woman charged with having unlawful sex with the boy, who was 15 at the time of conception.

A paternity test shows that the teen is the father of the baby born April 7 to Jane C. Crane, who was 19 when she became pregnant.”

Okay folks, I am not one to raise Hell about double standards but, the aforementioned story got my blood lukewarm…

Which for me, unless I am having thoughts about being the filling of a Matt-Manwich between Tyra Banks and Jessica Alba, is a rarity.

Here’s the deal, this chick, Jane C. Crane is alleged to have committed two counts of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor…

A felony which carries a penalty of up to 18 months in prison and having to register as a sex offender for 25 years.

The child produced by this unlawful act of teen boy boinking is in the care of Ms. Crane, the teen boy boinker.

The baby in question is not only sharing a residence with Jane Crane, but Jane’s stepfather as well…

A stepfather who is on probation for a previous domestic violence conviction involving hitting, choking, and pointing a gun at Ms. Crane’s younger sister.

Isn’t that nice? So sweet…

Well the victim in this case (aside from the infant) and his parents want to have custody of the child and raise her.

But alas, this so far isn’t the case and we all know why. He’s a male; she’s a woman, and by God that kid needs to be with her mother.

I hope for the sake of that little girl, the victim’s family will someday get their wish. But in the meantime, and here’s the kicker…Are you ready?

“…a judge has ordered him (the victim) to pay $50 a month in child support and set visitation at seven hours a week.”

Yes folks, the 15 year old boy in question, was not only the victim of unlawful sexual conduct, he has to pay 50 bucks a month to the ho-bag who sexually conducted him unlawfully. Brilliant!!

Yes, I know sexism towards female exists, but often times, it exists just as egregiously towards males.

And this story took me to another somewhat related happening on the political front…The Democratic Convention.

There will be a roll call vote at next week’s Dem Convention…

In order to appease Hillary Clinton’s female backers who toiled tirelessly to attempt to put one of their own in the White House, and yet fell short, her name will be put in nomination.

These moms, feminists, and vulva votin’ ladies entered the rough and tumble world of Presidential politics, to show that they are just as rough and tumble as the men and… and…

And got their feelings hurt.

So, the Democratic Party is going to appease these estrogen laden cry babies because they played hardball with “the boys” and got stung by a political fastball that was up and in.

Ladies (and I am just talking about the whiny fringe), just as there is no crying in baseball, there is no crying in politics.

If you want to be considered equal, you need to suck it up and take the good with the bad. Ninety percent of all other Americans, both male and female, do it everyday.

And one last thing, if you are going to stay home in November and not vote for Obama because “your girl” didn’t get the nomination, Obama will certainly lose.

What does that mean?

It means that this country will have about as much chance of a successful future as the little girl in the court case does if she continues to stay in Jane Crane’s care.

Cheers!!

Puttin' The Old Man In My Sights

I haven’t talked about my Presidential candidacy of late.

I have been waiting to see if I would be running against Barack “Keith Olberman Jacks Off to the Thought of Me” Obama, or Hillary “There’s a Penis in my Pantsuit” Clinton.

One thing I do know is that one of my opponents will be Senator John McCain.

I’ll start my opposition research on McCain now, and later research whomever wins between Senators Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy.

Well, I know that McCain is pretty damn old. If he’s elected President, he would be 72 when he is sworn in.

Sure, in the grand scheme of things 72 is not ancient, but c’mon, the job of President is pretty demanding.

Late night phone calls from the CIA, Hugo Chavez threatening world oil supplies, and constant flip-flopping on important issues can take a toll on even a young person.

Can we really have confidence in somebody who begins his day with a glass of Metamucil, and ends his day with a glass of Milk of Magnesia while listening to Lawrence Welk records?

McCain already has a temper, what if he becomes irregular? All I can say, if that happens…

Watch out Iran, McCain has his finger on the button and he hasn’t shit in three days!! Not good.

Now I guess McCain is a veteran. I know this because I think he has mentioned it once or twice.

He was a Navy pilot who was shot down, captured by the Vietnamese, and had the crap beat out of him for several years.

To this day he cannot raise his right arm because of it.

I see a couple of problems here…

First of all, I don’t see how being shot down by people who exist on rice and poodle burgers and becoming a P.O.W for five years qualifies one to be Commander-in-Chief.

But, I guess he would be adept at being my Director of the Bureau of Federal Prisons.

Secondly, if McCain can’t raise his right arm, and thus his right hand, he will be unable to take the oath of office.

If you can’t place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand, and promise to govern in accordance with the Holy Baby Jeebus, you got no business being in the White House.

Kiss the Religious Right goodbye Johnny. I’m outing you as oath deficient.

I am sure there plenty more things about this guy, but these are the things I shall look into first.

After all, calling this guy an old, constipated, missile magnet, who doesn’t believe in raising his hand in deference to the Lord Almighty, is a pretty good place to start.

Cheers!!

Matt-Ster Of The Universe

Mornin’ Peeps!! I knew it was only a matter of time, but I have finally won a major award.

More on that in a minute, but first, a very brief wrap-up of yesterday’s Presidential Primary results…

Hillary Clinton won Rhode Island, Texas, and my state which is, An Odd Mix of Inbred Meth Addicts, Evangelicals, Uber-Wealthy Gated Community Dwellers, And Redneck Pig Fuckers Ohio.

Vermonters turned out to show that they prefer to pour their fresh maple syrup on Obama Cakes.

John “Pontius Pilate” McCain put the final nail into Mike “Hay-Zoos” Huckabee’s campaign, and impaled The Huckster upon the cross of Presidential Wannabes.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Already this morning, the blabbering political pundits are hypothesizing as to why H-Rod won three states.

I have heard it is due to her “3 A.M. Phone Call” ad, that Obama relaxed and played it safe, and maybe the Dems are having Obama “buyer’s remorse”.

These people are morons; don’t waste your time listening to them.

The reason that Hillary won these states is because she got more votes.

Let’s move on to the next contest or even better, cut some deal in order to work together and put Judas McCain’s Oval Office aspirations six feet under.

Now…

I received a message yesterday that I, The Matt-Man, was named:

Most Hilarious Blogger in the Universe for January and February of 2008.

The message stated that my site was...a unique blend of biting satire and informative pop culture rantings.

The message went on to say:

Rarely does a site contain such a mix of high brow humor and infantile jokes about becoming the Messiah or a lesbian porn star…Simply Brilliant!!

It continued...

Finding a writer who does thorough research upon topics, applies it with unmatched jocularity, and oozes unbridled sex appeal is a once in a blue moon chance.

I am truly humbled by this award, because unlike other "Best (fill in the blank) Blog" awards, this was not chosen through a popularity contest.

This prestigious honor was based upon the opinions of a completely unbiased group of judges, and I want to publicly thank the staff of Bagwine Ruminations for bestowing this award upon me.

Thanks Guys!!

That’s it for today my friends. Tomorrow is a big day so please stop by again.

Tomorrow is another edition of Half Nekkid Thursday.

I have a new HNT picture and even a brief Half Nekkid Matt-Man music video for ya.

See you then,

Cheers!!

Toungin' Hillary And Eatin' Tuna

It's Election Day here in the Buckeye State, and at 6:30 AM the polls open.

I plan on being there to cast my vote as soon as they open.

Appropriately enough, I vote at a church. So goes Matt-Man, so goes God.

As I have said, I am voting for H-Rod. Maybe she will be at my polling location shaking hands.

I sure hope so, cuz I'll plant a big ol' wet kiss on her mouth, slip her a little tongue, and finish off with a firm reach around. I do so love democracy.

As promised, I made Tuna Casserole yesterday. It was Yum-Oh, and I plan on having it again today.

There's plenty left because Schmoop refuses to eat tuna. What a lousy lesbian she would make.

Which, makes me sad because I would love to see her enagaged in some hot chick on chick action.

But I digress...Follow me if you will, through the journey of the Tuna Casserole ala' Bagwine.

Here are most of my ingredients...I also use a bit of milk. Keep some Bagwine handy as well.

I cook the noodles in salted water and then drain. See that was easy, wasn't it?

I mix the noodles, tuna, cracker crumbs, potato soup, parsley, and onion in the pot and add the following:

A glob of Sour Cream, a modicum of milk, and a smattering of butter. Make sure you use those exact measurements!!

Let the conglomeration cool, and then spoon out into a buttered baking dish. Top with Velveeta, Butter, cracker crumbs, and parsley. Mmmmmm, my uvula is getting a Hard-On already!!

Put into a pre-heated 450 degree oven for 10 minutes, and then turn back to 375 for another 30-35 minutes.

While it is baking, drink some Wild Irish Rose. Unfortunately, I was out of it last night, so I drank the better part of a bottle Vodka.

After a total of 45 minutes, or when you start to see the Vodka Fairies, whichever comes first, pull that dish of deliciousness out of the oven.

Mmmmmmm, Mangia!! It was excellent, and will taste even better today. I hope you try it.

Not only is it a taste bud sensation, the smell is unique and intoxicating.

I can only descibe the aroma as being akin to what my olfactory senses experienced when I engaged in a 69 with a mermaid last summer.

Earth's wonderful oceans...Full of bounty and booty!!

Well, I am off to take a shower and then go vote. When I get back, I promise to catch up on everyone's blog. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Election Eve In Ohio: H-Rod v. B.O.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, and all Ohioans.

We will be casting our votes in the Presidential Primaries.

Voting also takes place in Texas, Vermont, and Rhode Island.

Only one of which of those three is really a state.

I mean, c'mon...Vermont? Lotsa Maple Syrup, Ethan Allen, and what else…green mountains?

Maybe if you were one of the original 13 colonies you would have a claim to fame, but you were the 14th.

Maybe I’ll visit your “state” if I am in need of a hearty pancake breakfast and a nice nap.

Rhode Island? Did you come up with that name in order to become a tourist trap for 17th Century English and Dutch settlers?

Hellooo, not an island. You my Rhodies, are but a mere piece of national insignificance.

So, Vermont and Rhode Island, go ahead and vote and if it possibly makes a difference in things, we will go ahead and count them.

If not, well, just go back to doing whatever is you folks do.

Tomorrow's vote, for me, comes down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

I am voting for Hillary Clinton tomorrow, mainly because her and I share the same taste in pantsuits.

Nothing says competence like a smart polyester blend sansi-belt pantsuit.

Rock On, H-Rod…You wear it well, baby.

There are a few things about Barack Obama that give me pause for concern, but the following may be my biggest concern…

The thing I most dislike like about Barack Obama is that he can’t pronounce “Massachusetts” correctly.

He pronounces it, “Massa-two-shits”, which greatly irritates me for a couple of reasons.

Not only did my ex say it that way, I find it to be an affront to African-Americans because it sounds like he is describing a slave owner’s bowel movement habits.

Shame on you, Barack…Pandering to The Man, are we?

The candidates can blah, blah, blah all they want about the economy, health care, and national defense. To me, it sounds like white noise.

If you want my vote, simply buck the current fashion trends, and refrain from talking about the fecal matter put forth by Plantation owners.

Hillary Clinton, has certainly done that. Even though her campaign is fading, at least for tomorrow, my vote, and my heart will belong to her.

Enjoy your Monday my friends. I am going to prepare a delicious Lenten Tuna Casserole today.

Maybe I’ll take pictures of the process, and we can have a pictorial Bagwine Buffet tomorrow.

Until next time,

Cheers!!

Barack Obama: His Name Just Don't Sound 'Merican

Tonight, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debate in Cleveland, and one week from today I will be voting in the Ohio Democrat Primary.

Initially, I fully supported Senator Joe Biden for President, but he dropped out long ago. So, it now comes down to Obama and Clinton.

While not having any kind of fire in my belly while doing so, I will be voting for H-Rod.

I’m not a big fan of Obama, but I will say this, he has been subjected to some of the most idiotic and ill-informed attacks ever leveled against a Presidential candidate.

The attacks both amuse and frighten me.

A few examples of this, I now offer…

If you live within a few hundred miles of Cincinnati, Ohio, between 12:20 and 3:00 in the afternoon, you can listen to Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW AM radio during the week.

Cunningham is a radio talk show host full of right wing schtick, and political red meat for rednecks.

Willie, as he is known around here, gets very high ratings, but the collective IQ of his listeners who call into his show, run in indirect proportion to those ratings.

Sadly, most of these callers live within an hour of lovely Bagwine, Ohio.

The comments made by these callers confirm that eating grain fed beef while drinking Wild Irish Rose does produce a detrimental effect on one’s mind.

Willie’s show is filled with talk about Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim.

I really don’t give a crap if the guy is a practicing Aardvark worshipper, but for the record, Obama is not a Muslim; he’s Christian.

Willie and his flock say that Obama was raised a Muslim and attended one of them there madrasas.

Well, Obama, did attend school, and since "madrasa" is the Arabic word for school, any type of school, they may be on to something.

The truth is that Obama attended elementary school while living in Indonesia. He went to a school for awhile that was full of Muslims.

Which makes sense since Indonesia has a Muslim population that is even larger than Rachel Ray’s ass.

Hell, the impressive thing to me is that Obama also attended, and survived a Catholic school while there. Can you picture an Indonesian Nun?

Screw getting hit with a ruler, they probably use steel reinforced rattan canes to beat the kids.

I also hear that this picture shows that Obama refused to place his hand on his heart while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Not true.

In the picture shown, it is the Star Spangled Banner being played at the time it was taken.

I don’t put my hand on my heart when our National Anthem is played.

If at a ball game, I merely take off my hat, sing off key, and mangle the lyrics as mustard from my hot dog drips from my chin.

That may be true too Matt-Man, but Obama didn’t put his hand on the Bible when he was sworn in. Yes, he did.

But seriously, I really don’t care if had he placed his hand on the Bible, the Quran, or a copy of SCREW magazine. None of these reads can counteract the stupid of any lawmaker.

I am not voting for Barack Obama, but not because of any of these baseless rumors.

I will not vote for Obama because he is black…and there is no way in hell that I am voting for one of them there niggras.

Kidding of course, but I am sure that there are plenty of morons who call Willie Cunningham’s radio show that think that way.

No, the real reason I will not be voting for Obama is the following…

When he gives a well delivered speech that conjures up visions of majestic, amber, waves of grain, all I see is a man who is long on chaff and short on wheat.

Cheers!!

Rodeo Clowns and the Politics of SPAM

I was going to write about my idea for a religious based amusement park today, but my protein deprived hallucinations and visions have started.

Today is the fourteenth day of my 46 days of a meat-free Lent.

The two week mark of this bumpy and hungry road to Damascus has been greeted by a couple of not so normal, nocturnal nightmares.

After eating a plateful of scalloped corn and black beans, I fell asleep while watching the results of the Wisconsin Presidential Primaries.

The colon was tight…the die had been cast…the stage was set.

I dreamt that I was sitting a leather chair smack dab in the middle of a rodeo ring.

There before me, stood Barack Obama dressed in a rainbow patterned suit with question marks all over it…much like a black version of that creepy Matthew Lesko guy.

Next to Obama stood Hillary Clinton ensconced in an ecru colored polyester pantsuit and donning cowboy boots with really shiny spurs.

I thought to myself, Hmmmmm, kinky…maybe H-Rod will travel below my beltway and go all cowgirl on me.

Off to the side, a little further away, John McCain was standing inside a wooden barrel. He was dressed like a rodeo clown in all of his old, tired, 5’6” glory.

I never thought I could hate clowns more than I already do, but I found that it was indeed, possible.

The three of them were trying to convince me to vote for them.

Obama was the first to speak…He stuck his empty hand out and eloquently told me that if I vote for him, he will make a big, juicy rib eye steak appear in his palm and I can eat it.

He said that if I don’t like rib eye, he could change it into a porterhouse.

Matt-Man, he said, I can change things for you. I can change potatoes into hamburger…change Fish Sticks into a BLT…

I can even change boring, tasteless lima beans into fried SPAM.

You like that kind of change dontcha Matt-Man?

You want that SPAM…You deserve that SPAM, Matt-Man. When you think of me, my brother, Obama continued, think first of CHANGE and secondly, think of SPAM!!

As the empty promise of SPAM made my mouth water, Hillary spoke...

He can promise you all of the SPAM he wants, but don’t be surprised if he hands you nothing but a can that is as empty as his suit.

Think about that.

Matt-Man, she said, if you have a sudden hotspot of hankering for SPAM, whose finger and hand do you want on the skillet handle frying it up?

A neophyte short order legislator, or someone who has been dishing out the SPAM for 30 years?

One more thing Matt-Man…If your years of SPAM eating have clogged your arteries, I’ll make sure that you are covered for that quadruple by-pass surgery and pacemaker installation that you so richly deserve.

Wow…I already had plenty of thoughts to chew on, when the suspender wearing, rodeo clown looking John McCain chimed in.

What kind of meaty delight would he offer me?

Hey Matt-Man, feast on this my friend, said McCain.

If you vote for me, give me the names of five sunzabitches that you don’t like and I will call in an air strike using our new F-22 Raptor jet and wipe the fuckers and their families off the face of the Earth.

He laughed maniacally and then awkwardly tipped over in his barrel.

I really need some meat.

Cheers!!