Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A Revolutionary World of What Ifs...

I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.

Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…


Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.

During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.

Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”

That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.

However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.

The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.

He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.

Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!

Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.

He’s spend his days working the corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.

He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.

They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.

Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…

And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”

Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?

Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.

And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”.


Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...

Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”

He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.

And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.

I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.


Cheers!!

57 comments:

katherine. said...

alternative history....I think I took that sophomore year....I do remember rhe fight over the brandywine....

Schmoop said...

Kat: Everyone should take that course.

Brandywine is a funny kind of battle. The Brits had an oportunity to smash us, and though they won a tactical victory, Washington managed to withdraw with his army pretty much still intact. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

yeah...that original George W. was quite the stud general.

what happened during the battle of bagwine?

Schmoop said...

Kat: Wasn't he though?

During the Battle of Bagwine, I led my army against that of Austin Powers', and instead of fighting, both sides decided to get drunk and shag the camp following whores.

Cheers!!

Crazy Charlene said...

matt'man.
i know i will always laugh and smile at your site

~~PLAWYK~~BGWD~~

Schmoop said...

Char: Why thank ya dear. I hope I can keep ya smilin' for some time to come. Cheers!!

j said...

I don't know text book history well enough to get the inside jokes of Matt Man's history. I'm from Alabama which is right next door to Dubya' home state.

Jen

Jay said...

Those founding fathers were a pretty rowdy bunch.

Unknown said...

I am almost at the Continental Congress in teaching my grandchildren American history. No, Matt-Man, I shall not share your essay with the kids.

Lu' said...

Bill Clinton probably would have done Ben Franklin, that powder wig confusing him and all.

What about Cheney, not to far off from current history, was he the one who fired the shot heard round the world?

Odat said...

Wonder if Marie-A. would off their heads.....ahahaha.
Peace

Schmoop said...

Jen: Seems that you may be slightly geographically challenged as well. Cheers Jen!!

Jay: Wanna go back in time with me and party down with the boys? Cheers!!

Nick: But you should. It iwll teach them how to think "outside the box". Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Lu: I think Cheney would have skirted around military service due to pleurisy. Cheers Lu!!

Odat: She would have said of Bill and Ben, "Let them eat pie." Cheers!!

Dana said...

And you Matt-Man? What would have been your place in alternative history?? Somehow I'm thinking you have just invited them all over for a bit of Wild Irish Rose and some loose meat!

Schmoop said...

Dana: Of course I would have. I am always very cordial and diplomatic. Cheers Sexy!!

Ken said...

This blog is history in the making!
It brings out the real truth, where no history teacher has ever had enough bagwine to go before.

Anonymous said...

What if the founding fathers had mandated that all politicians be able to actually USE the brain in their heads?

Schmoop said...

Micky: Thanks. This blog is something in the making alright. Cheers!!

Metal: What fun would that be? Cheers!!

leelee said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I loved that lesson!

HUGS!

Schmoop said...

Leelee: Ha. Thank you. I was hoping that somebody would laugh out loud. Cheers Cutie!!

RW said...

Larry would have been King of the Loo.

Schmoop said...

Roger: Ha. He's not really alive, y'know. It's a hologram. Cheers Roger!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Jeebus, it must suck to be Larry Craig.......

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: Ha. You nut. Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

You forgot Hillary? What would her role in all of this be?

Schmoop said...

Lady Jaye: I dunno, maybe she would have taken Chickenhawk Cheney's place in the musket line at Bunker Hill. Cheers LJ!!

Lex Valentine said...

Misspelled X. OMG. That was the perfect joke.

Schmoop said...

Winter: Ha, and thanks. I chuckled at that one myself. Cheers Bay-bay!!

Dianne said...

further hysterical historical text tells us that after his portrait op Georgie was so excited that he needed to immediately pleasure himself.

Of course what with the hook and the eye patch he made himself the dickless asshat we see before us today.

Schmoop said...

Dianne: Hahaha. Good one. You are one funny woman. God, that makes me HOT!! Cheers Di!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

LMFAO @ Dianne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knight said...

I have never been so captivated by political alternative history in all my life. Argh! That W misspelling X is too true. Too true.

Anndi said...

Did you see something lurking in the corn behind Barack? Some banshee in a pantsuit, it looked like. No scarecrow is THAT ugly.

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: She's a hoot, isn't she? Cheers P-Man!!

Knight: Well good. And I know, it's funny, but incredibly sad at the same time. Cheers Lovely One!!

Schmoop said...

Anndi: Hey, watch it. I like Hill. Happy Canada Day, Anndi. Cheers!!

Anndi said...

I thought you were partial to mounds... huh?

Thanks! I'll have a cold one in your honour, you know, diplomatic relations and all.

Desert Songbird said...

You had me at Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

That, and the accompanying photo.

What can I say? My mind is in a weird, sleep shorted state...

Schmoop said...

Anndi: Mmmmmmmmm, Mounds. Thanks, and I'll drink one for you, Gordon Lightfoot, amd Pierre Trudeau. Cheers, eh!!?

Songbird: Ha. It's funny...When one is sleep deprived, Dubya is funny...When wide awake and coherent, he's a just another dumbass. Cheers Dear!!

Desert Songbird said...

True, true. Much like you and your humor. Oooooo.....ZING!

Desert Songbird said...

Just kidding! You know I adore you, Matty me darlin'.

Knight said...

Now that I'm back and a little more conscious I'm upset at how natural our president looks in his pirate outfit. Pillaging the goods of other countries and holding babies with his hook seems like the obvious thing to do when you elect an asshat like him. What was everybody thinking? Don't look at me, I wasn't old enough to vote that first term.

Schmoop said...

Songbird: Uh-Huh...I hope you were smilin' when you typed that. ; ) Cheers!!

Knight: He is an asshat. But as they say, "People get the government they deserve." I guess we are on a downslide.

Not old enough, huh? Wow. I have socks older than you. Mmmmmm. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

I always smile when it comes to reading you, Matty. Sometimes it's a wicked grin, however...

Schmoop said...

Songbird: Meowwwwwwww. Cheers!!

Leighann said...

I want an alternative history! One full of more orgasms and fat free delicious non-make-you-gain-weight chocolate.

Schmoop said...

Leighann: Well stop by, I can supply half of what you are looking for...and no, it's not the chocolate. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

When Ben left France he got a painting of the king framed in diamonds, from the king. I think George W would have returned the favor with a painting of himself framed in cubic zirconium. I am a little surprized he doesn't give out something like that to other heads of state already. I bet they'd go for as much as $10.00 on ebay in a decade or so.

Durward Discussion said...

Obviously The Bill and Ben excellent adventure in France would have filled the broad sheets of the day or the broads between the sheets ... take your pick.

Schmoop said...

RLL: Thank ya and yeah, Lu, is a funny chick. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Marilyn: Well, one thing for sure the fram would be worth far more than Dubya's portrait. Cheers!!

Jamie: They would have been Hell on carriage wheels. Cheers!!

desert rat said...

Barack and Sally Hemmings - LOL!

Hey, the chick flipping her hair on your sidebar is completely irritating.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

And so it has been said and so it tis the truth....

CreativeMish said...

Hey! Our Senator may NOT be Gay.. But our Govenor is Butch!

Jeff B said...

Larry Craig's response to "The British are coming" would have been, "And so am I"

Schmoop said...

Desert Rat: Ha. Thanks. And yes she is...I hit F5 whenever that ad comes up. Cheers!!

Bond: Darn Straight. And if you believe it, it's not a lie. Cheers Vin!!

Michelle: Ha. Good One. Cheers!!

Jeff: Ha. You're a mess. Cheers!!

j said...

Huh?

You mean George Bush isn't from Mississippi?

*note to self* Get subscription to "NewsWeek" next time and drop "NASCAR Today".

I'll be out of pocket for a few days so Happy 4th to you and yours Matt.

Jen

Tug said...

Funny that you should have Georgie in a pirate costume, making me think of Johnny Depp.

*sigh*

I'm sorry, what was I saying??

mmmm...bacon!

Schmoop said...

Jen: Texas, Mississippi, same thing. Have fun over the holiday, Jen. Cheers to you and your family!!

Tug: I think it is just wrong to see a picture of Dubya and think of Johnny Depp.

Mmmmmmmm bacon, indeed. Cheers!!