Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~
So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.
I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.
I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.
Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…
A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.
It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.
It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
I do, so love America!!
I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.
Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.
TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”
Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”
Ben rocked.
Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,
On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.
It read as follows…
“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”
It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.
Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.
The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!
I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.
Cheers!!
56 comments:
...drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.
What about drunken, buxom, dusky wenches?
What a great history lesson Matt-Man. It's funny cause I didn't learn ANY of this stuff in school. It's amazing how much shit those history book authors just make up and put in there.
"I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor."
Hey, that would cost $300/hour here in the states. It was probably only $5 over there.
Okay, how about this? Drunken, buxom dusky wenches at dawn wearing Russian-made thigh high boots while speaking Vietnamese?
#1 - I was born in Okinawa, not Vietnam.
#2 - It was bamboo, not rattan.
#3 - Well, at least you got the boots right. ^_-
Air Baths? What, no tongue baths? Ben was not that freaky then, now was he ;P
First thought. For a country celebrating it's independence, we sure seem to be dependent :(
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
Patrick Henry and I have a lot in common - I too, appreciate fine meat. What? You wrote meal? Whatever ...
*breaks out in song* And I'm proud to be an American ....
You've got such a great intuitive nature. Funny how I never saw these things in the Declaration. Altho I've never read between the lines. Good job!!!
Peace
Songbird: Hmmmmm. I think I may be in love. Cheers!!
Jay: I like to bring the truth to light Jay. And you can get that treatment in Bagwine for 3.50 and a Wendy's Double. Cheers!!
Boo: I think thou doth protest too much. Spill it. Cheers!!
Starr: He called them air baths. It was actually just an excuse to get nekkid. Cheers!!
Lu: Ha. Very well put, Lu. Cheers!!
Dana: Fine meat can also be a fine meal. And it's Lo-Cal. Cheers!!
Odat: Bewteen the lines lies that truth. Cheers Odat!!
See! I knew my edumacation was lacking. Day 1 of American History Week and I already feel so much smarter - and hotter.
BTW - rumor has it that McCain had a clause put in back then that when he became President he could sell us back to them - to help offset the cost of Cindy's botox.
Something to consider come November.
There's nothing like a steaming pile of Matt-Man education first thing in the morning! Thank you my friend!
Come by today, I've got something for you! ;)
Dianne: Ha. Cindy is gonna crack someday.
And hey, we can all get smarter, but is it really possible for you to get any hotter? Cheers!!
Leighann: I'm catching up from the weekend and will be over soonly. Cheers!!
Ben Franklin Rocks the House, Ya!
Roger: I may do a little time travelling this week and party with him. Cheers!!
...I clearly told her to get TWO pack of brats....what is so #$%&@ing hard to remember about THAT?!?!
Phfrankie: Ha...That's exactly what I'm sayin'. I wonder how many times something along those lines will be uttered come Friday. Cheers!!
I can't wait to celebrate America with my flag made in China, vegetables imported from Costa Rica, and plastic ware made in Taiwan!
Metal: Ha. I posted something similar to that last year. Cheers Hot Stuff!!
That proposed revision by Franklin that didn’t make it into the D. of I. sounds as if it was written as he recovered from a meeting of the Hell Fire Club.
Actually, Patrick Henry got the idea for his “Give me liberty or give me peace” speech from the words of Franklin:
“Gentlemen may cry, “Piece! Piece!” But there in no Piece. The wench has already been done! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberality or give me Meth!”
Nick: Ben was a rock star. I love him so. Cheers, Nick!!
I love American hysteria, I mean history.
Yuppers, I too shall be celebrating our dependence, I mean INdependence, with my good pal, Sam (Adams) - Patriot AND Brewmaster. Way too many damn buttons on his coat and that codpiece has got to go but a hell of a guy to hang out with.
As dear ol' Dad likes to say: "It's so nice out, I think I'll leave it out."
St. Nick: "liberality or Meth?" LOL!
Damn! You see what has happened since I have become a bleeding heart pinko anti-war un-American! I misquoted Patrick Henry by writing “…or give me peace” rather than his true words “or give me death.” The American Legion will soon be burning a cross in my front yard!
Desert Rat: Ha. Good for Dad. Sam Adams was an interesting guy. And of course, how can ya not like a guy who brews his own. Cheers Rat!!
Nick: It's okay, I knew what you meant. I'll call the AL on your behalf. Cheers!!
Little known fact...Dolly Madison was under the table and as each of them sat down to sign the Declaration of Independence, she liberated their manhood and showed them some deep-larynx-ation
And Bond goes straight for the creamy white center of the post. Of course :P
Is that why there's cream in the middle of those little cakes?
Wow, does it all go back to history?
Bond: Well, since Dolly's husband was only 5'4" tall...She was always seeking some size. Cheers!!
Starr: He has a cream addiction. Cheers Starr!!
RLL: History is the catalyst for all things creamy. Cheers Sexy!
So that would make you the Cream of The Crop, right Matt? Cause he has that man crush on you :P
I really should be kissing his ass you know, I want that Mayer CD :P
Starr: I'd put in a good word for ya, but that would do more harm than good. Cheers Starr!!
There's nothing like a nice VLT, a veal, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the veal is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that....
Maybe I would have stayed awake during history class more often if they had given us the true story. Thank you Matt-Man for providing a service to all of us by not hiding the truth.
I am so thankful that I am able to come to this blog for the patriotic truths of our history. This year I shall celebrate with Veal!
Well I've got the buxom part down. can you help me with the drunken part, darling?
matt~~too bad you don't write the history books~~it would have been easier to teach those bastards if you had wrote the book~~
i am glad someone else appreciates janis ian
matt~~too bad you don't write the history books~~it would have been easier to teach those bastards if you had wrote the book~~
i am glad someone else appreciates janis ian
VE: You said a mouthful, brother. Cheers VE!!
Amber: I try dear. I believe in wiping away the surface dirt of History. Cheers!!
KNight: Ha. Very Good, funny, hot girl. Cheers!!
Lady Jaye: Oh anytime adorable one. Bottoms Up. Cheers!!
Char: I just like to keep it real, Char. And yes, that's a good tune. Cheers!!
Evil: Ha. Can he even stay up late enough to watch the fireworks? Cheers!!
Happy Birthday to US
Happy birthday to US
Happy birthday to every one of US
....United we Stand.....
Thank you Starr...yes I got to the creamy white middle of it all..but please get YOUR history correct...it is Matt who has a man crush on me....
Not sure my ass is what you should be kissing BTW!
bwahahahahahahahaaaa
A thousand pardons oh pimper of the Mayer CD :P
Ben was sooo underrated. He also invented Kool-aid and brought the practice of anal rimming over from the French.
In True American Spirit, I am starting a campaign... Sometimes Saintly Nick for the COW. THAT was funny!
OH! And you were funny too Matt Man.
Jen
What a fine thing it is to be associated with a first class crew of degenerates like y'all!
Only in America!
While pursuing happiness this week don't forget to say the Pledge while your flag flaps in the breeze.
Bond: That's great, Vin. Cheers!!
Deb: How can you not like that!? Cheers Deb!!
Jen: That's sweet of you to campaign for Nick, but this blog is a dictatorship. Cheers Jen!!
Trav: Ha. They are all that, aren't they Trav? Cheers!!
Jamie: You are always there with timely advice, Jamie. Cheers!!
well...I Declare....
Kat: Succinct and well put. Cheers Kat!!
*pasting signs on bathroom walls *
*passing out contraband flyers*
*holding secret meetings*
~Overthrow evil DIC tator...S.S. Nick needs COW~
Hi!
Jen: Ha. Good One!! Cheers Jen!!
Welcome back. :)
We missed you too although Schmoop did well in your absence.
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