Tuesday, August 12, 2008

That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia


I am at a loss. You would think that the United States is a relatively safe place to live, and then what happens?

Those damn Russians invade the State of Georgia!!

It’s like the Cold War and the Civil War have been blended into a quixotic, bellicose cocktail of what is surely to be known as the, “The Redneck Russian.”

Drink up folks, The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming!!

They are penetrating deep into Georgia, with troops, armored vehicles, aircraft, and are now dispatching their Black Sea naval fleet to presumably surround Jekyll Island.

And what does President Bush have to say about this raping of our brothers and sisters in the Peach State?

Bush told Prime Minister Vladimir Putin,

(as they had a leisurely dinner of egg roll and Cream of Sum Yung Guy, while watching overly muscular, pre-pubescent chicks straddle a pommel horse, oooohing, while incredibly athletically talented black guys beat the hell out of the Chinese Basketball team and…

Patting a soon-to-be sandied ass chick with under-developed mammaries, on the small of the back because to pat her on the actual ass, would not sit well with red states…)

“This is unacceptable.” “This action is disproportionate, Prime Minister Soulful Eyes.”

To which Putin replied, “Fuck the Georgians, and pass me the Soy Sauce, Dumbass.”

Oh sure, when Dubya wants to invade a third rate power such as Iraq, his little wee-wee gets all a-twitter, living vicariously through the rifle of an 18 year old Marine, but…

When Russian President, Dmitry “Tecumseh” Medvedev seeks to burn Atlanta, it’s nothing but, “C’mon, Ruskies, I’m watching Michael Phelps churn some more agua into Gold!!” says Bush.

Ai yi yi…I just don’t get it.

And, I don’t understand why the Russians would want to attack Georgia anyway.

Do they want to corner the market on peaches and red clay, or do they just want to nationalize the Atlanta Braves and bring Major League Baseball to Eastern Europe?

"Хорошо Хит, Chipper"…That means “Nice Hit, Chipper.” No need to thank me, Comrade Jones.

I don’t understand any of this. Russia attacks Georgia and we do nothing?

Where will we get our Coca-Cola, our CNN, our Weather Channel, our crazy Ted Turner antics?

We won’t get them at all, because the Russians will have assimilated them all.

The worst thing is, once the Russians gain full control of Georgia, Paula Deen will no longer cook with butter and bacon…

She’ll cook with beets and dirt.


Cheers!!

27 comments:

Marilyn said...

I love the new banner. I've never been to Georgia but I'll miss peaches.

katherine. said...

blink...blink...the place is not quite how I remembered.

ya think peaches go well with goulash?

Cinnamon Girl said...

Tecumseh and I have the same birthday. Not something I will be advertising when I move there ;)

Oh and if the Russkies bring Vodka and piroshky's they are most welcome.

PS - Don't forget the vast numbers of hot eastern european models these day. I mean they are no Paula Deen....

Travis Cody said...

I like the two column look. But it doesn't fit on half a screen anymore like the old style. I guess that's a sacrifice I can make at this stage of my blog life.

Jay said...

Honestly, Georgians won't notice much difference in their rights as citizens under a communist regime from the police state they have now.

"Russia has invaded a sovereign neighbouring state.... Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century.... We have no doubts about it. This is a deliberate attempt to destroy an entire country and change the regime."

Bush really said that. NOW it's unacceptable to invade a sovereign nation to affect regime change? Talk about a flip-flopper!

Desert Songbird said...

I hate when your blog doesn't lie right for me. Nice look, bad in bed. Sigh.

Story of my single life.

Unknown said...

As they taught me in ROTC: The only good Russkie is a dead Russkie ; but I understand that in Georgia they used to say the same about damned Yankees.

Lu' said...

Damn, shook off the old cobwebs eh! Looks, white, ha!

Schmoop said...

Marilyn: Thanks and yes, Georgia is now known as The Pit State. Cheers!!

Kat: I was trying to pick myself up wit the change. Hmmm, goualsh and peaches? Nyet!! Cheers!!

Starr: Yeah, you may want to keep that quiet. I would most enjoy steppe (ing) all over of hot Russian babe. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

Putin & Bush = War Pigs...
I think I will post those lyrics~

Schmoop said...

Travis: Ha. You are so resillient, Trav. Cheers!!

Jay: Force feeding independence on a bunch of A-Rabs is far different than regime change. America Hater!! Cheers!!

Songbird: Suck it up and get nekkid. Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Nick: It is ironic, Da? Cheers!!

Lu: I love it when you shake anything. Cheers, Lu!!

Cheesy: That song is a fave 'round the Bagwine digs. Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Figures Georgia would get fucking invaded since I'm moving there at the end of the year.

Does this mean I will have to learn Russian. Will my Mexican ass have to learn to drink vodka instead of copious amounts of tequila?

Will they rape the onion fields in Vidalia?

What about my beloved Georgia Bulldogs?

I am so freaking distraught now.

Dianne said...

Imagine the horror of having to watch all those Georgians lined up for a single pair of overalls!

"...living vicariously through the rifle of an 18 year old Marine"

one of the most brilliant lines ever written.

Schmoop said...

Lady Jaye: Ha...I hate impart all of these worries upon you, but war is hell. Cheers LJ!!

Dianne: Good One. And thanks for the kudos. After today things should be back to normal and I will certainly catch up with your ascerbic posts. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I've got a "special" beet for Chipper Jones....

Lex Valentine said...

Gotta love the beach volleyball. You know Dubya does! ;)

Jeff B said...

Two Olympic sports that don't exist , but would do the world a favor:

The Shot Putin and The Bush Whack

Real Live Lesbian said...

I saw the whole Georgia debacle. Scares the hell outta me. I'm in TN! What will we do without BACON???

Ed & Jeanne said...

Clearly its an Olympic move so that The USA and Russia can practice synchronized Missle launching for the next Olympics. It's such a difficult sport to get the timing right...

As American as Apple Pie said...

Well, me being the newshound that I am *cough* I had a tough time following this one at first.

If the Russians bring vodka I will move to Georgia just for that.

Anonymous said...

I thought Georgia was trying to secede from the Union anyways. Maybe we could trade the Russians for something like, oil? Or vodka?

Knight said...

I knew they would come for our bacon eventually. Thankfully I have a freezer full of nothing but vodka so I am able to barter if it comes to that. You think I'm kidding?

Leighann said...

If you take away Paula Deen's bacon and butter I'll cry.

Tug said...

heh

penetrating, deep and bacon all in one post.

I'm going to have a cigarette now.

CreativeMish said...

Get out the vodka and peach schnapps! I hope Georgia wins! I can't live without my butta!

Anonymous said...

Somethin's different here?!?!

Me likes...