Gee Sarah, Why Is Your Kid's Stomach Bloated?

Breaking News!!!

Conservative Christian, Mom to the Masses, Sarah Palin, Johnny Mac's Veep Pick, is evidently lacking in the skills to keep her 17 year old daughter's legs closed.

Bristol is pregnant.

How nice...How sweet...

Good ol' sexy, big chested Bristol, got rode like the race track of the same name in Tennessee.

She's keeping the baby, which is sweet. Underage sex for Christ. Demonstrate your love for the unborn by getting pregnant at 17.

Here's to ya Bristol...Here's to you Miss Runner-Up Miss Alaska...

Hey Mom, I am sure that you didn't know this prior to McCain picking you. Boy Sarah, you did put asperations over disclosure.

The McCain campaign is saying that they knew...Um, I don't think so.

Hey Palin, those morals that you instill in your kids are shining through, and so is your selfishness.

Cheers!!

That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia

I am at a loss. You would think that the United States is a relatively safe place to live, and then what happens?

Those damn Russians invade the State of Georgia!!

It’s like the Cold War and the Civil War have been blended into a quixotic, bellicose cocktail of what is surely to be known as the, “The Redneck Russian.”

Drink up folks, The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming!!

They are penetrating deep into Georgia, with troops, armored vehicles, aircraft, and are now dispatching their Black Sea naval fleet to presumably surround Jekyll Island.

And what does President Bush have to say about this raping of our brothers and sisters in the Peach State?

Bush told Prime Minister Vladimir Putin,

(as they had a leisurely dinner of egg roll and Cream of Sum Yung Guy, while watching overly muscular, pre-pubescent chicks straddle a pommel horse, oooohing, while incredibly athletically talented black guys beat the hell out of the Chinese Basketball team and…

Patting a soon-to-be sandied ass chick with under-developed mammaries, on the small of the back because to pat her on the actual ass, would not sit well with red states…)

“This is unacceptable.” “This action is disproportionate, Prime Minister Soulful Eyes.”

To which Putin replied, “Fuck the Georgians, and pass me the Soy Sauce, Dumbass.”

Oh sure, when Dubya wants to invade a third rate power such as Iraq, his little wee-wee gets all a-twitter, living vicariously through the rifle of an 18 year old Marine, but…

When Russian President, Dmitry “Tecumseh” Medvedev seeks to burn Atlanta, it’s nothing but, “C’mon, Ruskies, I’m watching Michael Phelps churn some more agua into Gold!!” says Bush.

Ai yi yi…I just don’t get it.

And, I don’t understand why the Russians would want to attack Georgia anyway.

Do they want to corner the market on peaches and red clay, or do they just want to nationalize the Atlanta Braves and bring Major League Baseball to Eastern Europe?

"Хорошо Хит, Chipper"…That means “Nice Hit, Chipper.” No need to thank me, Comrade Jones.

I don’t understand any of this. Russia attacks Georgia and we do nothing?

Where will we get our Coca-Cola, our CNN, our Weather Channel, our crazy Ted Turner antics?

We won’t get them at all, because the Russians will have assimilated them all.

The worst thing is, once the Russians gain full control of Georgia, Paula Deen will no longer cook with butter and bacon…

She’ll cook with beets and dirt.

Cheers!!

My Excitement is Close to Peking!!

I’m off today and I am going to spend it working on a new Matt-Man for President ad.

Well…Until my Campaign Chief of My Staff comes home early this afternoon.

When she gets home, the work on the ad will have to wait, as we have a backdoor…er…closed door strategy meeting scheduled.

However, before I begin my work on the aforementioned ad, I want you all to know that I have taken ill.

It’s true, I have a bad case of the 2008 Summer Olympics Fever…

Okay, maybe not a full blown fever, but at the very least, my body is stricken with the symptoms of a mild bout of Asian flu, and perhaps a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge.

Yes, the Olympic games begin August 8th, taking place in that mecca of Capitalism, Chinese Restaurants, seismic activity, and polluted air.

No, not Los Angeles, ya goofballs…Beijing, China!!

I actually always have enjoyed the Summer Olympics. I enjoy the boxing, basketball, and as I grow older I really enjoy vicariously running really fast through others.

I am more excited this year because there are a couple of new events being held on a trial basis. Events with a distinctively Asian flavor.

First up, is a woman’s event that involves agility, speed, and well developed embryonic skills.

The Rice Paddy Biathalon…

Yes indeed, this event places female athletes within a two acre rice paddy and each woman has 15 minutes to harvest as many bushels of rice as she can and birth as many babies as she is able.

Each Paddycake, as they are called, receives 1 point for each bushel of rice collected and 3 points for each child that drops from their womb.

The current World Record is held by Lee-Ki Pi of Vietnam.

After a slow start during the 2006 Asian Games, which saw her harvest 15 bushels of rice yet drop only two baby boys in the first twelve minutes...

Ms. Pi snatched five more bushels and with three seconds left, dropped a set of bouncing female triplets!!

With her incredible score of 35, she received her gold medal.

Unfortunately, all three of the baby girls were quickly killed off for they are a burden to the family in particular and the Vietnamese economy in general.

When asked by a reporter how she felt about this, Pi replied, “We go to Disneyworld now, Big Boy?”

Another fun event scheduled is the fast and furious, American Flag Sewing Dash.

This event is comprised of three bolts of nylon, needle and thread, and grim human determination.

Each contestant sews his oriental ass off to determine who can sew an American Flag the quickest.

The current World Record was set late last year by a 14 year old Chinese boy named Yu So Ho. He created a perfectly done 3 x 5 version of Old Glory in a mere 1 minute and 57 seconds.

He will not be participating in the Olympics because after hearing the news of his skills, Wal*Mart hired him to the post of President of its, Asian-Made American Flag Waving Division.

Along with the job, Wal*Mart signed Ho to an incredibly lucrative 6 year/$702.00 contract.

Since Ho, is not participating, the odds on favorite is an 11 year old kid from Thailand named, Phuket Khunt.

Phuket is referred to as, "The Big Tsew-Nami".

Excitement abounds!! I can’t wait. Somebody strike up, “Theme for the Common Man”!!

Have a great Thursday all; I hope your day is made of not only gold, but silver and bronze as well.

Cheers!!