Something hit me recently…There is a conspiracy afoot that involves my waistline.
Those involved, come from a varied field of friends, family, and present and former fornication partners.
A couple of years ago, I hit my epiphiantic (another new word that I have invented…adj. having the characteristics of inducing an epiphany) body dimensions…
Six foot tall, 265 pounds.
That’s not an incredibly bad build if one is a muscle bound NFL Fullback with 10-12% body fat, but for me? Not so good.
I wrote a post long ago about this aforementioned epiphiantic moment…It was the day when I got dressed one morning and my socks didn’t fit.
My socks, people!! Seriously, how does that happen? No matter how big one gets, doesn’t one’s socks always fit?
Not in my case…I was truly bummed.
I persevered, and after a couple of years I shed many of the pounds through eschewing carbs (yes, even warm, heavily buttered toast…God, I do love toast.)
That’s not an incredibly bad build if one is a muscle bound NFL Fullback with 10-12% body fat, but for me? Not so good.
I wrote a post long ago about this aforementioned epiphiantic moment…It was the day when I got dressed one morning and my socks didn’t fit.
My socks, people!! Seriously, how does that happen? No matter how big one gets, doesn’t one’s socks always fit?
Not in my case…I was truly bummed.
I persevered, and after a couple of years I shed many of the pounds through eschewing carbs (yes, even warm, heavily buttered toast…God, I do love toast.)
I ate meat; drank water, and consumed gallons of soup.
After all of the hard work, that has resulted in a Herculean-Like (Rick Hercules, a former plumber who used to live next door to me) physique of 6 foot tall 184, there is a movement abound to strip me of that.
Last week, my Drive-Thru buddy and Pizza Maker, Bill, brought to work a huge plate full of Chicken and Dumplings that he had made and suggested I take it home and eat it.
After all of the hard work, that has resulted in a Herculean-Like (Rick Hercules, a former plumber who used to live next door to me) physique of 6 foot tall 184, there is a movement abound to strip me of that.
Last week, my Drive-Thru buddy and Pizza Maker, Bill, brought to work a huge plate full of Chicken and Dumplings that he had made and suggested I take it home and eat it.
I did...the entire thing...by myself. It was very good.
As I relayed to you on Sunday’s post, Bill also made a GINORMOUS pepperoni, banana pepper, and double cheese pizza “for Schmoop and I.”
A couple of weeks ago, long time friend Sherri, suggested that I stop losing weight because I am, “melting away”.
Schmoop says the same thing, and often says to me, “Eat Papa, Eat!!”
In a health-related aside, she has also suggested that I take up smoking Camel Non-Filter cigarettes. Hmmmm?
Schmoop’s brother Dave, recently brought me a titanic sized jar full of olives, Hostess Ding Dongs, lunchmeat, and crème puffs.
And the topper? On Sunday, the ex and Ryno came through the Drive-Thru with a hi-caloric and antagonistic thrombotic offering from Chipotle.
The Sunday before, they brought me a sack full of Burger King goodness.
Oh sure, don’t get me wrong…It is very kind of all of these people (minus the Camel Non-Filter thing) to offer their food and their advice, but…
Is it really kind of them, or are they trying to KILL me with kindness?
Is there some type of perverted, insurance policy pay-off cabal being forged by this coven of ne’er-do-wells?
I wonder…Are they really praying for my arteries to burst or my colon to implode?
I don’t know…I hope I find out before it's too late.
In the meantime? Man, all of this crap they’ve been giving me to eat is soooo damn goood.
Cheers!!
As I relayed to you on Sunday’s post, Bill also made a GINORMOUS pepperoni, banana pepper, and double cheese pizza “for Schmoop and I.”
A couple of weeks ago, long time friend Sherri, suggested that I stop losing weight because I am, “melting away”.
Schmoop says the same thing, and often says to me, “Eat Papa, Eat!!”
In a health-related aside, she has also suggested that I take up smoking Camel Non-Filter cigarettes. Hmmmm?
Schmoop’s brother Dave, recently brought me a titanic sized jar full of olives, Hostess Ding Dongs, lunchmeat, and crème puffs.
And the topper? On Sunday, the ex and Ryno came through the Drive-Thru with a hi-caloric and antagonistic thrombotic offering from Chipotle.
The Sunday before, they brought me a sack full of Burger King goodness.
Oh sure, don’t get me wrong…It is very kind of all of these people (minus the Camel Non-Filter thing) to offer their food and their advice, but…
Is it really kind of them, or are they trying to KILL me with kindness?
Is there some type of perverted, insurance policy pay-off cabal being forged by this coven of ne’er-do-wells?
I wonder…Are they really praying for my arteries to burst or my colon to implode?
I don’t know…I hope I find out before it's too late.
In the meantime? Man, all of this crap they’ve been giving me to eat is soooo damn goood.
Cheers!!
Turnbaby is celebrating her 2nd Blogiversary on her BlogTalk Radio show tonight. For details, and to say congrats, click HERE.
33 comments:
People get used to the way you look and are intimidated when you change it. My dad, who is very supportive of my efforts to lose weight when I am heavy, will do everything in his power to get me to eat entire blocks of cheddar cheese when I am thin (all this really takes is placing said block within about five feet of me).
Maybe you should follow up that pizza with a deep fried twinkie for dessert?
They are trying to kill you. It's obvious. The plan is perfect and there is nothing you can do. How will you ever turn down delicious FREE food? You can't. You will be missed.
I think they just want to make sure you don't lose you ass, but what do I know?
I am SO jealous! All I have in my motel room is a package of Mother's Striped Shortbread Cookies and a six-pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Er... make that a FIVE-pack. Pizza. Yeah... that would be good...
geez....how many people do you have on your insurance policy...I'm a really good cook....can I get in on this action?
Bill is probably trying to get you hooked so you'll not leave his employ. Schmoop might be hoping if you get bigger, "everything" about you gets bigger. Dave might be trying to help his Sister get her full potential. Rino might be trying to slow you down on the b-ball court. Then again, they all might just care and nothing says that better than a good plate of food. Just ask any Italian.
I think they've just decided that you're too sexy for your own god and now you've got to pack on the pounds. Maybe they think you're arrogant about how you are such a fine specimen of a man. Just a thought.
Marilyn: Now eating entire blocks of cheese, I find very appealing. Cheers!!
Jay: You are in on this, aren't you? Cheers Jay!!
Knight: It is a foolproof plan, isn't it? Thanks, it's been nice knowing you too. Cheers!!
Dana: Ha. That's not far away. I do get warned about being thrown out if I lose it. Cheers!!
Desert Rat: You, a motel room, and beer...I hear a porn soundtrack playing in my head. Cheeers Rat!!
Kat: If you can help to speed up my demise, I am sure they would welcome you. Cheers Kat!!
Lu: You're right food is wunnerful. But as for the reason of those involved, I think you give them to much humanity. Cheers!!
LJ: Yeah that's it. I am always talking about what a "hot body" I have. Cheers LJ!!
Good luck to you my friend, don't let them get you!
In your honor I'm going to go have a love affair with my left over homeade chicken and noodles.
mmmm comfort food!
Pass the TUMS!
Leighann: I love noodles and anything. Mmmmmmm...Nooooodles. Cheers!!
What could possibly be wrong with MORE Matt-man? I mean, who can blame them for wanting more MM to grab?
RLL: More is fine, but man, I was HUGE. It wasn't "good" more. Maybe 20 years I could have pulled it off. Cheers Hot Stuff!!
Come on Matt-Man!!
I was skinny once, WAY over rated!
...first of all, I don't know if an imploding colon is better or worse than an exploding one....and second of all, toast and Camels sounds pretty good.....and lastly, thank you for publishing the word "ne'er-do well"....fine, fine word.......
That's okay - Lent will be here before you know it, and you'll be back to your meatless self. Your colon will get cleansed, and all will be right in the Matt-Man world.
Or, wait...never mind.
And I am shedding them, without killing myself...some exercise...watching the calories, NOT the carbs...it works dude 12 pounds...2 months...
AND NO MENTION OF MY APPEARANCE ON TURN'S SHOW TONIGHT????????
Here is 3 pounds of pasta smothered in ground pork and beef and covered in ricotta and Parmesan cheese EAT IT ALL!
Thanksgiving is coming and I have a feeling that you are this year's turkey!
Al: I am not by any means skinny. Just less large. Cheers!!
Phfrankie: Mmmmmmm toast. Ha, I like that word as well. Cheers!!
Songbird: I do love the Lent season. It gives me a chance to get creative in the culinary department. Cheers!!
Bond: Congrats. I could eat all of that dish. And it's Turn's show and Special Day, not yours. Suck it up. Cheers!!
Metal: Uh-huh...If I am still alive. Maybe the cost of their Bird-Day feast is on me. Cheers!!
Meat, water and soup? For me, that means WATER RETENTION and then.........bursting.
I was hysterical with the sock story!
In my own personal opinion, I think it's better to be overweight than to have a huge cholesterol or blood pressure problem.
:)
All things in moderation.
Now, I need to repeat that last sentence over and over and over again.
*sigh*
Deb: I did anything but retain. I was flowing. Other than a risk for diabetes, I agree with you on your theory. Cheers and enjoy your moderation, Deb!!
Did you get those deep fried Twinkie hot dogs with the really fatty brats in them that I sent you?
If you give me the email addy for 'your' Donato's I won't have to wait until Lent to get your Double Meat delivered;-)
Thanks for the pimpage!
TB: Funny thing you mention that. After three days, the Donatos that we use is STILL without power. Cheers!!
Ah, Carbs. Hello Darkness My Old Friend.
Tell you what, Matt. Next time you get that pizza you just Fed Ex it to me. It's the least I can do for you ;)
Starr: Bill makes a damn good pizza. If it would keep, I'd buy ya one and send it your way. Cheers!!
You have to eat good unhealthy food occasionally or you'll go crazy!
Evil: Uh-huh...I'm sure that is exactly what they told Caesar about Brutus. Cheers!!
Michelle: Oh I know...and I do it all of the time. Cheers!!
"Schmoop’s brother Dave, recently brought me a titanic sized jar full of olives, Hostess Ding Dongs, lunchmeat, and crème puffs."
Must have been a helluva jar.
I heard that groaning...yes it's a lame attempt at humor. I think all the studying I've been doing is rotting the humor centers in my brain.
Travis: Ha. That wasn't bad. Cheers!!
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