I Think I Must Have One of Those Faces You Can't Help Believing

I’m still feelin’ a bit noodle-like with the cold, but dammit, I must press on.

I had plenty of time to think while I was lying around masturbating nursing my cold yesterday.

My mind was bordering on boredom and delirium when I jotted down the following mentalisms.

(Yep, I just invented another new word.)

I was watching TV as John McCain and Sarah Palin worked the uber-conservative Southwest Ohio crowd in Lebanon, Ohio.

My thoughts were this…

I am probably sick because Johnny Mac and Sarah, Lame and Tall were just 42 miles south of the Bagwine digs.

And then, as the flag waving, adoption-only, mouth breathing crowd cheered while Old Man Mac beamed at her, it hit me…

Johnny Mac is an old, girly mama’s boy.

Sure, his 96 year old mom, Roberta-Mama, said just that in a video clip at the GOP convention, but it is confirmed by his life story. Follow me, now.

His mama raised him and he still uses her to deflect the age issue by telling voters he obviously has good genes that will allow him to live beyond the insurance actuarial charts.

But after becoming an adult, he needed a mama with whom he could have sex. In 1965 he married swimsuit model, Carol Shepp. They had a family. He went off to Vietnam.

He was shot down, captured and beaten up for five years. Carol was in a horrible car accident that crushed much of her body.

Upon his release, he was broken, as was his wife. Carol, being overweight and literally two inches shorter due to her injuries led Johnny Mac to ask, “Who will take care of me?”

Enter USC cheerleader, Cindy Lou Hensley…A lovely, nubile chick, whose father had money and political connections.

The Mac Man was eaten up, so to speak, by this babe who was 18 years younger than him. Johnny Mac divorced Carol. He and Cindy married, and had kids.

Relying on Roberta-Mama being married to an Admiral, and Cindy-Mama having money and daddy’s influence, a Congressman was born in 1982.

Or is that re-born to a new mama? I dunno.

Fast forward to 2008. McCain’s Cindy-Mama has helped him win the GOP nomination but the convention is fast approaching and his poll numbers aren’t so nifty.

Johnny Mac ponders upon his low numbers as he lies on his Posturepedic bed, curled in a fetal position, sucking his thumb, and peeing in his adult diaper.

And then in all of his infantilism…it comes to him. Through his cathartic, child-like cries he screams:

“Bring me Sarah-Mama!!”

And thus, Sarah, Lame and Tall, Governor of Alaska, is tapped to be his Vice-Presidential running-Mama…er mate.

Take care of little Johnny Mac, Sarah-Mama. He can’t do it on his own. He needs you to be his “special electoral needs mommy.”

John McCain…War hero? Eh, no more so than the millions of other Americans who have served.

John McCain…Maverick? Pffft. He is as old and unexciting as yesterday’s news.

John McCain…He is first and foremost a Mama’s Boy, and he is so looking forward to saying:

“Oh we have 15 vacancies. 15 cabinet positions. 15 vacancies.”

Just don’t cross this Mama’s boy or his mama, because as he would tell you, “A boy’s best friend is his mother.”

Cheers!!