We Shall Not Perish...

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

It is finished.

And thusly, it is also just begun.

Barack Obama has been elected President. He is the embodiment of the platitude that,

“In America, any child grow up to become President.”

The African-American community is ecstatic.

After decades and indeed centuries of servitude, injustice, and being treated as less than human in this great nation, a black man has achieved the highest office in this great land.

However...

Obama’s achievement is bigger than that of race, of culture, and even bigger than himself.

He has proven that when one sets his or her mind to something, at least in America, anything is indeed possible.

He has not only proven that the human spirit and yes, human ambition is indomitable, but so is the opportunity in our country.

After years of a stained past in regards to race relations and after the despicable events of September 11, 2001, America has spoken and has said the following…

We have decided that, at least in this instance, we have moved on. We have grown up. We will allow hope to outshine the shadows of fear…and prejudice.

Will Obama be a success as our next President? That is yet to be seen.

But as of last night, he has already become a success. He has become a symbol of hope to many.

Not simply to black Americans…but to any person, of any color, or any creed, or any socio-economic status who has a dream that they long to chase.

To Obama, I wish you the best, and to Senator John McCain, I want to thank you for delivering a most gracious concession speech.

I hope that Senator McCain's eloquent words do not fall upon deaf ears.

Cheers!!

America Grows Up

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT AND VICE-PRESIDENT ELECT...

Is racism dead? No, but it just got handed a HUGE black eye.

Here's to Barack Obama, the soon to be 44th President of the United States of America!!

Cheers!!

OHIO GOES BLUE??

OBAMAHIO

Cheers!!

Election Day 2008: Where's Norah?

Just as important as the election itself, is the reporting.

Sure, Amy Robach is HAWT, but where the hell is is Norah O'Donnell?

I need some Irish lass ass...

Mmmmmmm, Norah...

Don't forget...check Dianne's Election Day Extravaganza out by clicking HERE.

And for more of my Election Day fun, scroll down, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Election Day 2008: Poll Dancin'

It's 7:10 A.M. as I type this. We are already back from the polls. Need proof? Here's a very brief video of this event.

Wasn't that exciting? You Betcha!!

I'll be back with more later...

Make sure you check out Dianne and her Election Day Extravaganza. To check her out click HERE.

And, for more from me, scroll on down, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

I've Got an Election Erection!!

This is it. That’s all there is…

There isn’t any more.

It’s go time, Bitches!!

Time to get off of my dead, yet sexy ass, cast my ballot and let my voice be heard. It’s the patriotic thing to do. It’s the right thing to do…

It frickin’ gives me a giant woody. Okay, a serviceable woody, but you get my phallic point. Voting is downright sexy.


When you read this, I may be asleep because I and Schmoop, the sexier half of the Dynamic Bagwine Duo, are getting up at 4:45 A.M. so we can be in line when the polls open at 6:30 A.M.

The entire Election Day, here at Bagwine Ruminations, I am going to be posting on and off all day and night. (With a brief break between 5-9 P.M., to go work for da man.)

Check back often. Drop a comment on your thoughts or voting experiences from today.

My fellow socialist, Marxist, always horny, yet incredibly undersexed liberal buddy, Dianne of Forks Off the Moment will also be posting “live” all day today.

Make sure to click on her name, check her out, and tell her that Matt-Man said, “Hi, Di”

That’s it for now…With any luck, my first early post will be a short video of Schmoop and I at the polling site.

Until then, my Bagwine friends, remember…

Voting is Sexy.

Cheers!!

Election Day Minus One: Decisions, Decisions...

One day left…

In less than 24 hours, polls will be opening up across the country.

From the Atlantic to the Pacific…from Albany to Zanesville.

Americans will make a choice between Barack “I Had Tons of Cash To Spend On this Election” Obama and John “I Sure the Fuck Wish I Had the Money That Obama Had” McCain.

I, of course, will be casting my vote bright and early tomorrow at 6:30 A.M., (Okay, it will be dark and early, but you know what I mean.) and I will be voting for Obama/Biden.

I did not come to my choice lightly. I like many of you, have based my vote on differences in economic, foreign, energy, and other policy stances. I also studied the character and personality factors of the two.

I kept coming back to Obama every time except for one issue…

The Comedy Issue.

If Johnny Mac pulls this election out, while upset at the prospect of him and Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin seizing the Executive powers...

The antics of those two would dump a shit load of comedic gold smack dab in the middle of my lap.

Obama…not funny. Johnny Mac…funny. Biden…Can be amusing. Palin…Can’t be anything BUT amusing.

Trust me folks, with all of the upside I saw in Obama, I struggled mightily over letting my vote rest on four years of McCain/Palin punch lines, amusing vignettes, and downright Oval Office hilarity.

How could I not? I can hear McCain calling Speaker Pelosi, much like he did to his wife Cindy, a cunt.

Madcap humor will ensue if God forbid, a Vice-President Palin were to become fat and disfigured due to an accident.

Much like he did in the same circumstances with his first wife, Prez Mac would have her resign quicker than the sex life of a fruit fly.

I could write about when he hosts somebody like, Chancellor Merkel of Germany and the State dinner takes place at 4 in the afternoon, and consists of minute steak, creamed corn, and tapioca.

Oh Johnny, watching your attempt to raise your arm to take the oath of office would be a frickin’ hoot. And Sarah? Oh holy baby Jeebus, Sarah…a virtual laugh factory.

I can picture her getting sent to Morocco to attend the funeral of Prime Minister Driss Jettou, and saying…

“On behalf of the United States of America, I want to say Godspeed to Driss THE Prime Minister. Driss Six-Teabag, God loves ya and so do I.”

I can also imagine her using her role as “being in charge of the Senate” to strong-arm Senators into naming her Chairwoman of the Homecoming Committee.

I swear folks, this kind of comedic enticement was hard to disassociate from my candidate selection process.

I think I have made the right choice in Obama, in spite of the allure of the jokes that could be had. Oh there was one other enticement to vote for McCain that I had to fight off as well…

Meghan McCain…


Wow, are those some nice fun bags or what? You Betcha!! Purrrrrrrrrrrr.

Cheers!!

NOTE: I won a contest over at funny man, VE’s site. My reward? He had to do anything that I asked of him. I asked him to take me out for dinner and dancing in Seoul, South Korea. He is posting about our night out today. It will be posted at 10 A.M. EST/7 A.M. PST.

Please stop by VE’s Fantastical Nonsense today, because knowing him, the story will be funnier than hell.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Benediction of the Ballot Box

It’s a partly cloudy and unusually warm for November Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And…there are but a mere 48 hours until we elect our next President.

Will it be Barack “Lobes-a-Licious” Obama or John “Early Bird Special” McCain?

Will the polls hold true for the O-Man, or will complacency among his supporters and some type of deus ex machina snatch victory from the jaws of defeat for Johnny Mac?

Interesting times, my Bagwine friends, interesting indeed.

I will be manning the beer sales from 11-7 today, so perhaps I will conduct my own informal poll.

On second thought, that might disrupt alcohol purchases, as well as being an affront to the Sabbath.

As you can tell by the picture, I received my pre-Election Day head shaving yesterday in the first step of preparation for this historic election.

Schmoop and I are all ready for our trip to the polls on Tuesday. We are going to leave the digs at 6 A.M. and head to our voting site so we are in line when the doors open at 6:30 A.M.

After that, it’s back to the Bagwine abode where I shall make an Election Day breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs with peppers and cheese, heavily buttered toast, hash rounds, and…BACON!! Mmmmm, bacon.

After that, Schmoop will go to work and I will have the hot babe from next door over, and punch her chad a few times before I do a brief 4 hour stint at work myself on Tuesday evening. I’ll be back at 9 or so…so I’ll catch most of the returns.

And there you have it…my election day plans.

I don’t know what your plans are for Tuesday, but Holy Baby Jeebus, I hope your day includes taking the time to vote, if you haven’t already done so.

Even if you are undecided about the Presidential race, or aren’t thrilled with either candidate…I’m sure there is some race or some issue on your ballot that deserves your attention.

Amen, and Amen.

And now, in honor of the ginormously important event taking place on November 4, I give you Simon and Garfunkle singing, American Tune.

Cheers!!

Saturdays With Sarah: Propositionin'

Three days folks…

A mere 72 hours until the votes are cast as is the die.

Who will win? Will Joe Biden be our next Vice-President? Or will that position be held by Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin?

As a veteran of many a political campaign I never predict.

Too many unknowns that we know about and many that we don’t know about, can affect the outcome in way that is unknown to us even if we should have known that the aforementioned unknowns were a possibility.

Sorry. It’s Halloween night as I type this, and I think I was channeling Donald Rumsfeld.

I was going to ask Joe Biden a few questions for today’s entry, but I really didn’t want to end up with a 25,000 word post.

So, Sarah and I sat down and chewed the caribou fat for a few minutes. What follows are my questions and her answers.

Gov. Palin…Thanks for coming by the Bagwine digs, and Happy Halloween.

Thanks, Matt the Man. Get it? You’re Matt THE Man, like Joe, is Joe THE Plumber. Or like Marian, is Marian THE Librarian…or… lik-

Okay, stop…please. Um, Governor, tomorrow at 2 A.M. we will be setting our clocks back an hour. How do you feel about this?

As you know, I can see Russia from my front porch. Someday, they may want to invade us. Or maybe, sneak into our waters and steal some of our crabs.

Turnin’ our clocks back an hour gives us an extra 60 minutes to deploy our um…you know, our whatever and catch ‘em.

Former Reagan Chief of Staff, Ken Duberstein said on Friday that McCain has undermined his campaign by choosing you as his VP after one interview.

He went on to say that even at McDonald’s people have three interviews before they are hired. Because of you, he is supporting Obama. How do you respond?

I don’t know who this Ken THE Chief of Staff guy is, but sounds to me like he pals around with terrorists. Listen, I will be a voice for job creation, lower taxes, and um…job creation.

And let me say to Mr. Ken, with my experience as a mayor and Governor of Alaska, I could not only get that job at McDonald’s. I could be a manager.

That would make you, Sarah THE McDonald’s Manager!!

Hahahahaha…You Betcha!!

One last thing…What will you do if you and Johnny Mac lose on Tuesday?

Well, I’ll still be Governor of Alaska. With that comes the opportunity to choose myself as Sen. Ted Stevens replacement should he win reelection to the U.S. Senate and then resign due to his felonies.

Or, I may write a book. Maybe write a coloring book. I’d like that. Then again, maybe I’d dump Todd, and have hot bi-partisan sex with you, Matt THE Man…wink wink.

Really? Hmmmmm? Could I be on bottom?

You Betcha!! That would make me Sarah THE Cowgirl. Giddy Up, Matt THE Man!!

She is simply fascinating.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back before you go to bed tonight.

Cheers!!

Countdown to Maturity

Six days folks…Less than a week…

A mere 144 hours until the McCain and Obama campaigns refrain from talking and turn the podium of the voting booth over to you and I.

We not only get to send a message as to whom we would like to govern this great land, but also send a message to the rest of the world…

And more importantly, to ourselves.

In the aftermath of the tragic events of September 11, 2001, we as a country united. We shared a common grief, a common confusion, a common outrage.

And then…

President Bush led us into an unnecessary war in Iraq, and paid for it by borrowing money from an oppressive government comprised of Chinese thugs.

Division among Americans became wide, deep, and often personal.

The unity that had been born from tragedy, fractured and dissipated like splinters in the wind.

Much like kids on a playground we let that unity of purpose go by the wayside. We formed our own cliques, picked up our toys, and headed home for supper…for seven years.

Now, here we are…A mere 144 hours away from electing a new President.

I am voting for Obama. He wasn’t my first choice, but over the course of the last couple of months, he has become my only choice.

I see him not only as a man who is thoughtful, curious, and hopeful. I see him (and in him) as a 232 year old America reaching maturity…

An America who after a history of legalized slavery, the disenfranchisement of women, and the quiet (and not so quiet) hate and bias towards different ethnicities after 9/11, even among her own citizens…has finally grown up.

In spite of the incredulous lies that he is a Marxist, a Muslim, a non-citizen that are spread about him, for once, many voters are saying, “Shut the hell up!! Will he try with everything he has to move us forward?”

I am confident that he will try. I am confident that Obama, more than John McCain, will put country first. And more importantly…

After our history and the anti-Muslim, Arab hatred that some Americans displayed after the attacks on 9/11, an election of a black President with the name of Barack Hussein Obama sticks every painful bit of rubble of the World Trade Center right back into the jaded eye of Bin-Laden and others like him.

I leave you with this.

As Obama is being referred to by McCain/Palin as a Marxist, I think I can sum things up with a quote from Karl Marx.

“History repeats itself…First as tragedy, second as farce.”

The Bush administration has been the tragedy, a McCain/Palin administration would be the farce.

I for one, do not want to see Marx’s words become a reality…once again.

Cheers!!

The Right Wing Says: Damn, Niggah is Thickah Than Party

Ha. Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for President.

I find this so damn funny, not because I think endorsements make a huge difference, but this one will have an impact because of the right wing reaction to it.

I am not talking about “normal thinking” Republicans (yes, there are some out there), but I am talking about the right wing fringe.

And man…these snakes are showing their colors, and their poison…quickly, loudly, and vehemently.

I got home late last night , and I was so excited to listen to Vietnam dodger and talk show radio host, Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW-AM.

Willie, as he’s known, has a large audience…And this man, who calls himself, The Voice of the Common Man is livid over the endorsement.

Willie, was saying that Powell owes everything to the Republican Party.

His career…his prominence, and it’s a damn shame that the General has backed a terrorist, and double-crossed the GOP.

Well ya know what, Willie? Sen. Joe Lieberman rose to power with the strength of the money and the machine of the Democrat party.

Yet, Jerusalem Joe has given the Dem party the big ol’ F-U, just so that he can insure that his career on the backs of the taxpayer continues, and...

That his first patriotic love, the State of Israel, still stands gazing down upon the dirt roads, poverty, and hovels of the Palestinian State.

Joe, the jig is up…We all know that you would rather have the capital of the U.S. reside in Jerusalem, and not Washington, D.C.

How’s that for hyperbole? Well it’s on Cunningham’s level. Only mine isn’t filled with hate and I don’t have the mindless audience that he has that would agree with me.

The first caller (an ex-military guy) that I heard on Cunningham's show last night said that he couldn’t believe that, “Race trumps substance.” He was speaking of Powell’s endorsement of Obama.

After the caller and Willie had phone sex over the issue, Willie once again, went on an anti-Powell rant.

And it was funny…Willie who is also a lawyer of some success, implied that Powell was endorsing Obama because of race.

Cunningham said that it was a travesty because Powell should have endorsed McCain because they were both soldiers.

Huh? Wouldn’t that be the same endorsement by association that Cunningham is eschewing? Hey Cunningham, for a lawyer you ain’t so cunning.

On a similar note, FOX News began spinning this 1,001 Ways to Sunday since the news broke, and will be doing so today…

Powell wants a position…Powell wanted to be McCain’s VP…Powell is sticking with his “homey”.

You guys all suck. Powell is still a Republican. He’s still the man he was yesterday. He’s still a thoughtful man.

The only difference is that he doesn’t walk in lockstep with the GOP.

Powell said that he likes Obama’s calm, cool, thoughtfulness. He doesn’t like the Palin choice. He doesn’t like the negative ads from McCain.

I understand that the right wing of the GOP doesn’t like people deviating from the lockstep, because if one does; they may all fall down.

And the irony is?

You have an alleged bi-partisan Maverick as a candidate, and yet you guys obviously hate self-thinkers…

Ha, and I thought the Democrats were the ones who ate their own.

Cheers!!

Update: I want to apologize to Fox and Friends...This morning the self-proclaimed, "Official Morning Show of the 2008 Election" has decided not to talk much about the Powell endorsement.

They are ignoring it in order to talk about Barack's murky fundraising and the new Lynne Spears book. Oh they mention the endorsement a bit and ask, "Did race play a part in the endorsement? What does Rush Limbaugh think?" Cue, drug boy!!

October 15th: A Non-Day...Or is It?

October 15th…It really doesn’t conjure up anything exciting, does it?

It’s not like other days in October such as Halloween on the 31st…Thanksgiving Day in Canada this past October 13th …and my son’s birthday which falls next week on the 24th.

It’s as though we should just skip October 15th.

October 15th is to me, a non-day…Or is it?

I had my crack staff research this day in history, and to see if there are any special observances taking place today.

Well, slap me on the ass and call me Sally. October 15th is butt cheek deep in Gregorian calendar grandeur.

On this day in 1917, the sexy, leggy, World War I German spy, Mata Hari was executed by a French firing squad. I think the big news here is that the French soldiers actually hit her.

October 15, 1935 Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie called for a Holy War against Mussolini’s Italian army that had seized the city of Aksum. In spite of their drunkenness and themselves, the Italians remained in control of the country.

October 15th wasn’t a good day for rotund, cross-dressing Nazi, Hermann Goering. On this day in 1946, he committed “suicide” rather than being hung the next day.

Actually, Goering was eating his last meal which consisted of a side of beef, wiener schnitzel, and three dozen potato pancakes.

The pantyhose, girdle, and bra that he was wearing became so tight that his breathing and circulation shut down.

I guess that due to the nature of Goering’s demise, October 15th should also be known as Auto-Erotic Self Asphyxiation Day.

There are a few birthdays today as well. Sarah Ferguson, former Duchess of York. Penny Marshall, former brewery worker.

And of course, Richard Carpenter, who unlike his late sister Karen, remains un-corpse like looking prior to his death.

There are a couple of observances going down today. October 15th is White Cane Safety Day…If you’re blind and are reading this, make sure that your cane is sturdy and true.

Funny thing is…October 8th was World Sight Day. Hey blind folks!! WTF? You want October all to your sightless selves or what? Some of us would like to see the pretty fall foliage, dammit…so back off.

I found this next observance quite fascinating…

Today, my friends, is National Grouch Day. So have at it bitches, and piss a few people off. It’s your day.

Finally, tonight marks the third and final debate between Barack “Had Sex with Bill Ayres” Obama and John “I Got Nothin’, but I was a POW, You Ungrateful Motherfuckers” McCain.

For many Americans, knowing that this is the final debate may be the highlight of the day because it means the campaigning is coming to an end.

No matter your politics, I hope you all watch and listen.

One programming note…Tomorrow is my only day off for awhile, so I am going to make it special. Tomorrow’s post will be, Ask the Matt-Man.

I will field any and all questions that you may have for me in the comments section, in near real time.

So think of a question for me, but don’t ask me until tomorrow’s post. It can be personal, sexual, political, or religional. Anything at all.

Enjoy your October 15th, make it as special as it appears to be.

Cheers!!

Going, Going, Gone!!

I hate to bore you with politics (Hey, we only have three weeks left), but I am feeling a bit confused.

Not confused that I that I don’t know what is going on around me, but rather, my humor is a bit sapped for the moment.

I rarely get bitter about politics. I have worked in it, off and on for years, and have always been a bit unemotional about the workings of the science…and the art.

I have made a point about not being a big fan of Obama. I was first a Biden supporter, and when he dropped out; a Hillary supporter.

But..

While my vote for Obama was never in question after the primaries were settled, I will now vote for him with vigor. And here’s why…

Senator Obama, and in an interview with my man-crush Joe Biden that I saw last night, shows that they are thinking about governing.

Not in a sense that they are thinking about what it would be like to merely win the White House, but rather, how would they lead our nation.

What should I expect from the Palin/McCain ticket?

Ethics violations from which Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin exonerates herself?

Claims by McCain that Obama is a good and decent man while he runs ads saying Obama lacks judgment and is associated with terrorists?

Should I expect Pastor Arnold Conrad to give an invocation at a McCain rally in Iowa to say that Christians should pray hard that the other Gods not defeat our Christian God, who of course, is greater.

Electing Mccain will show that the Gods of the Hindus, Muslims, and whatever, are inferior to our God.

(Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s…Eh, Pastor Dickhead? Guess not, pig fornicator.)

No, I don’t think that’s what I, or any other American who is worrying about whether there is food on the table or more importantly a job to go to next week should expect.

I want…I demand, an overtly powerful attempt to get this country back on track. I think that with Obama/Biden, should they fall flat on their face or not, I will get that.

Is Obama vague? Yeah, he can be.

But one thing Obama has, is cool, calm, confidence. He’s not full of hate, desperation, and, unlike McCain, doesn’t harbor the feeling of wanton political greed.

In addition to that, Obama has Joe Biden. What does John McCain have? Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

And let me remind you of an old proverb, Gov. Palin…

"Jade that is not chiseled cannot become a gem."

You, Palin, are not a gem. You are not a maverick. You are an ambitious person, who hasn’t a clue about me, Joe-Six Pack, or more importantly, how to run the greatest country on Earth.

And Senator McCain, we both know it’s not “Country First” with you. It’s become, a ghost hunt...

A ghost hunt in search of your past greatness, or more accurately, what you perceive to have been your greatness.

Cheers!!

Two Heads Are Worse Than One

I have made no secret that I am not a huge fan of Obama.

I have and will always will, had a man-crush on Joe Biden…and, after he dropped out of the Presidential race, I voted in the Ohio primary for Hillary.

Obama, to me, is a smooth talker (which I do appreciate), but is a master of vagaries.

I don’t doubt his love of country, like some right wingers do, I just wonder if he has the balls to change things.

With that being said, I have a bit of an anti-McCain rant to level…

As a former campaign manager for local and statewide political campaigns, I have one rule that isn’t exclusive to my own thinking.

If you are going to go negative…define yourself first.

Palin/McCain has yet to do that. In fact, they are now being defined by their own negativism.

It’s easy to throw around quick, pithy sound bites about Barack Obama “pallin’ around” with terrorists, in the case of Bill Ayres.

It’s fun to question Obama’s AMERICAN Christianity by espousing the less than virtuous teachings of Jeremiah Wright.

It’s politically expedient to question, Senator Obama’s patriotism.

All of these arguments are ignorantly visceral, inane, and desperate. Whose fault is this? McCain first, but a close second is the Evangelical Right.

The Republican Party has lost it’s heart and more ironically, it’s soul, to the right wing Evangelical demands of the party.

The crushing economic troubles of these days illuminate just how badly the Republican party doesn’t know how to deal with “real” issues such as staying in one’s house and putting food on the table.

The GOP has forgotten how to deal with these things because they have spent the last two decades wailing and gnashing their teeth over the possibility of two guys having marital relations and whether some 17 year old chick named Bristol might have an abortion.

Obama is not a Muslim (if that matters to you), he is not a raging Liberal (much like Clinton wasn’t), and he is not out to rape your white daughter or destroy your country...or burn your Bible.

He is merely a man running for President. Like him or not, he is not the devil; he’s not a terrorist and Sarah “Robot Bitch” Palin and John "McMake Things Up" McCain, Obama is just doing the same thing you are doing.

He’s trying to run for President.

The only difference is, that while you are calling him what he is not, he is trying NOT to say what you two are.

Cheers!!

P.S. Hey McCain, Palin, and surrogates, if you have any balls, tell Obama to his face that he's a black, Muslim, terrorist. I didn't think so...Pussies...

Death of a Politician

Well, the Obama/McCain debate last night yielded for me a couple of things.

McCain looks old. He sounds old. He seems sad and he strikes me the same.

Sad in the way seeing a once great 39 year old major league ball player who can no longer catch up with a high fastball, has slowed in his running, and can no longer turn the double play.

Much like many aging baseball players who see their time under the lights fading, Johnny Mac clings like grim death to his celebrity, sense of ego, and the idea that he can still hit the political home run.

I have in the past, called McCain, a mama’s boy…a bully. Bullies are actually, quite often cowards.

Last night after a weekend of attacks on Obama’s character using lies and distortions about Obama’s “ties” to William Ayres delivered by Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin…

McCain passed on doing the same in last night’s debate. He chooses to hide behind Palin’s skirt and let her offer up the red meat to the electoral audience.

He knows what they have recently been saying about Obama is a series of lies, and when the bully goes head to head with somebody who might fight back to these lies…McCain backs down.

The worst thing is that when the campaigns hit the trail anew today, McCain and his femme fatale proxy will once again regurgitate the same lies.

“Go get ‘em Sarah!! Beat Obama up!!”, McCain will tell her. Palin will say, “You betcha, John.”

Another sad reality of this campaign. McCain didn’t turn to Palin because he thought she was qualified. He turned to her to help him get something that he so desperately wants.

He uses her…and because of ambition, she lets it happen. This entire situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And yes, kinda makes me sad.

I guess the most defining moment of the debate was when McCain was answering a question about a bill that had been voted upon.

McCain who disagreed with the bill, told the audience that he didn’t vote for it, but guess who did?

Pointing to Obama, the Mac-Man let us know who voted for the bill by saying, “That One.”

That One?

No, Barack? No, Obama? No, Senator? “That One” is how he referred to a man who may be the next President.

It was like watching the baseball player I mentioned that has been benched for a pinch hitter, and the player screams at the coach, “But it’s my turn to bat, it’s my turn, Coach“”

I write satire and make fun of McCain, but I don’t revel in this situation. It did make me a bit…well…icky.

McCain has reached a low point. He will say and use anyone to get elected, and yet says, that with him, "It's Country First”.

It may have been at one time in his life, but now…

It’s McCain First.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Representin'

Tonight, Barack “He’s a Terrorist” Obama and John “Early Bird Special” McCain will hold their second debate.

The battle royale takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

I refer to this oratorical smack down event as, The Music City Mutterings.

They will get to speak their peace (or is that, piece) tonight, so I thought I would take this time to speak mine.

Here is my position on Health Care that I would enact if elected to govern this nation.

The Matt-Man Health Care Initiative

Preventative, mental health, and medical care will be a right, and free to all Americans. How do I propose to pay for this expensive venture?

Simple…I will seek passage by Congress of a, Stupid Driver Tax.

Those who fail to merge correctly, don’t use their turn signals, pull out in front of other drivers and then go ten-fifteen mph below the posted speed limit will be taxed $20.00 per offense.

Even with that minor level of monetary taxation, that should be more than enough to cover the cost of my Health Care Plan.

Doctor’s visits?

From now on, the doctor will come to YOUR house to see you.

More importantly…the doctor will have to sit in your living room in the midst of sick, contagious people for at least ninety minutes prior to you coming out for your examination.

Breast and cervical exams will be provided by me, Matt-Man. I will fondle your fun bags with medical diligence.

As for the cervical exam, I will not use a cold, steely spatula…er…speculum. I will use the Matt-u-Lum; and I think we all know what that is.

President Matt-Man, at your cervix!!

For men, prostate exams, will be performed by the following…

For Liberals, Tyra Banks dressed in only thigh high stockings and a man’s dress shirt will be thrusting her digits up your ass.

For Moderates, it will be Jessica Alba sporting a bikini, who invades you.

For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.

Sorry, no lubricant for you guys, and by the way, Maude will be in all her naked, octogenarian glory while checking you out.

As for the issue of stem cell research?

I will call for Dick Cheney to be dissected, his stems cells harvested, and we will find out what makes him such a major league asshole and correct the situation for generations to come.

Can you imagine a future without assholes? You're welcome.

Will I call for legalized medical marijuana? No. Why, you ask?

Because marijuana will be legal for anyone and everyone!!

Hey, just treat the stoners the same as drinkers when it comes to the law, tax their vice of choice the same, and Boo Yah!!…We’re makin’ money, America!!

What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.

Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!

So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.

Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…

Cheers!!

Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8 EDT. For Details Click HERE.

2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Folks…Believe it or not, Baby Jeebus’ Birthday is just a little over three months away.

In yesterday’s post, I talked about the must have toy of 2008...

The Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures.

Monday, I introduced to you, John “Early Bird Special” McCain and Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

Today it’s the Democratic Action Ticket’s turn to take the Bagwine stage…

Barack “Chi-Town Cicero” Obama*

This sleek, sinewy, Shaka Zulu lookin’ Senator, is not your mother’s Windy City homey. He puts the “Go” in Chicago.

Is your city, town, or hamlet in societal disrepair? Call the O-Man and he will organize the hell out of your community.

He will fill the food bank. Employ the indigent…And sink a round ball from three point range down at Tony Rezko Park while playing basketball with your kids.

He may look unassuming, but throw a tough issue at him and he can dance around it with more élan than Bill “Bojangles” Robinson.

Don’t worry ‘bout the switch blade in his coat pocket; words are his weapon and he has Svengali-Like powers. When in Rome, he’s referred to as Barackus Maximus.

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Muslim Action Figure. What an ironic gift on the birthday of the Holy Baby Jeebus!!”

*Bitch Slapped Hillary and I Want Your Cock Barack Olbermann sold separately.

And don’t forget the O-Man’s Ballot Brutha…

Joe “My Head is Exploding” Biden*

Unlike the other three Action Figures, JB is disembodied. That’s because he doesn’t need one.

He has a head full of knowledge and a mouth willing and ready to spew it out. He’s sneaky dangerous.

Some action heroes are strong…some are fast…some have X-Ray vision. Joe wears down evil doers by the sheer volume of his words.

He wears down opponents by talking until their eyes glaze over, and then smacks them upside the head by calling them a dumb son of a bitch…all the while with a sarcastic “you’re a dumbass” smile on his face.

His massive brain is so impervious to attack that not even two aneurysms could stop it.

“Leak all you want you bloody sacs. I have things to say.”, he says. And so he does…and does…and does…

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dictionary Doll. Does he ever stop talking?”

*Hair plugs and Shut the Fuck Up Filter sold separately.

Have a lovely day all.

Cheers!!

Listen to Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Yes folks, start your Christmas shopping now.

And, Boy Howdy, do I have a gift idea for your younger ones.

Your kids can not only spend Holy Baby Jeebus’ Birthday playing with the hottest action figure since Bangkok Heroin Den Barbie…

They can also get an invaluable lesson in civics and the American political process.

That’s right folks; the 2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures are now available.

You need details? I got your details right here, bitches…

John “Early Bird Special” McCain*

Don’t let his aging, avuncular look and tone fool you as he opens every other sentence with, “My friends…”


Early Bird Mac-Man is one bad ass, septuagenarian mutha fuckah.

He will do and say whatever it takes to put his Viagra Fueled-crotch and diaper-wearin’ ass into the Oval Office.

This John McCain Action Figure is a Barbie-Chasin’, Dora the Explorer Beatin’, war hero.

You can’t move his arms, but you’ll find he can head butt and kick the bejeebus out of any Ken Doll’s nuts.

Johnny Mac may eat dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon, but when he does…Mac-Man eats minute steak…Rare!! (And maybe a little sponge cake, sherbet, and warm milk as well...when he's feelin' sassy…)

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dead Father of Tori Spelling Action Figure. I didn’t know he had Bell’s Palsy. Did he come with a naked Shannen Doherty Doll?”

* Botox Cindy with Breast Implants, A-1 Skyraider Jet Fighter Wreckage, and Joe “Christ Killer” Lieberman sold separately.

And don’t forget to pick up Johnny Mac's Action Figure running mate…

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin*
This Tart of the Tundra can flat-out do it all.


Not only can she bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…

She can first kill the pig, cure it, and then apply lipstick to it.

She’s a Governor…She’s a self-proclaimed reformer, and she's a soon to be GILF at the age of 44.

Talk about your triple threat!!

Don’t let her Land of the Midnight Sun charm fool you; she is not afraid to call you every name that Johnny Mac tells her to call you.

And that’s not all…

Mess with her, and she’ll make Congress pass a law that forces every couple to name their first kid, Trig…or Algebra, or Tangent, or something.

Buy it today and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the hot plastic bitch. Where’s the inflation hole?”

*Six Inuit tribesmen standing around an ice fishing hole performing an Arctic Circle jerk, and Salmon Spawning Bristol, sold separately.

Have a good Monday all. And no, don’t call me Olbermann…The Dems get their turn tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Update (9:20 A.M.): I sent my Action Figure idea to Gov. Palin's office. This is the response that I have received so far. I hope they like it!!

Thank you for writing to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The concerns, opinions, and/or information you have sent are important and valuable to the Governor. Although she is unable to respond to each and every email herself, your message has been received and is being reviewed by the appropriate staff person in this office who can best address your need, suggestion, or comment.

Please do not reply to this email. If you would like to contact the Governor in the future, please address correspondence to governor@alaska.gov.

I Think I Must Have One of Those Faces You Can't Help Believing

I’m still feelin’ a bit noodle-like with the cold, but dammit, I must press on.

I had plenty of time to think while I was lying around masturbating nursing my cold yesterday.

My mind was bordering on boredom and delirium when I jotted down the following mentalisms.

(Yep, I just invented another new word.)

I was watching TV as John McCain and Sarah Palin worked the uber-conservative Southwest Ohio crowd in Lebanon, Ohio.

My thoughts were this…

I am probably sick because Johnny Mac and Sarah, Lame and Tall were just 42 miles south of the Bagwine digs.

And then, as the flag waving, adoption-only, mouth breathing crowd cheered while Old Man Mac beamed at her, it hit me…

Johnny Mac is an old, girly mama’s boy.

Sure, his 96 year old mom, Roberta-Mama, said just that in a video clip at the GOP convention, but it is confirmed by his life story. Follow me, now.

His mama raised him and he still uses her to deflect the age issue by telling voters he obviously has good genes that will allow him to live beyond the insurance actuarial charts.

But after becoming an adult, he needed a mama with whom he could have sex. In 1965 he married swimsuit model, Carol Shepp. They had a family. He went off to Vietnam.

He was shot down, captured and beaten up for five years. Carol was in a horrible car accident that crushed much of her body.

Upon his release, he was broken, as was his wife. Carol, being overweight and literally two inches shorter due to her injuries led Johnny Mac to ask, “Who will take care of me?”

Enter USC cheerleader, Cindy Lou Hensley…A lovely, nubile chick, whose father had money and political connections.

The Mac Man was eaten up, so to speak, by this babe who was 18 years younger than him. Johnny Mac divorced Carol. He and Cindy married, and had kids.

Relying on Roberta-Mama being married to an Admiral, and Cindy-Mama having money and daddy’s influence, a Congressman was born in 1982.

Or is that re-born to a new mama? I dunno.

Fast forward to 2008. McCain’s Cindy-Mama has helped him win the GOP nomination but the convention is fast approaching and his poll numbers aren’t so nifty.

Johnny Mac ponders upon his low numbers as he lies on his Posturepedic bed, curled in a fetal position, sucking his thumb, and peeing in his adult diaper.

And then in all of his infantilism…it comes to him. Through his cathartic, child-like cries he screams:

“Bring me Sarah-Mama!!”

And thus, Sarah, Lame and Tall, Governor of Alaska, is tapped to be his Vice-Presidential running-Mama…er mate.

Take care of little Johnny Mac, Sarah-Mama. He can’t do it on his own. He needs you to be his “special electoral needs mommy.”

John McCain…War hero? Eh, no more so than the millions of other Americans who have served.

John McCain…Maverick? Pffft. He is as old and unexciting as yesterday’s news.

John McCain…He is first and foremost a Mama’s Boy, and he is so looking forward to saying:

“Oh we have 15 vacancies. 15 cabinet positions. 15 vacancies.”

Just don’t cross this Mama’s boy or his mama, because as he would tell you, “A boy’s best friend is his mother.”

Cheers!!

Dark Pretentious Lighting, and Manila Envelopes

At 10:09 P.M. last night, there was a knock at the door.

The type of knock that asked the question, "Hi, it's danger, anybody home?"

I opened the door.

There, before me, stood a tall man, in a black duster, dark sunglasses, and oddly enough donning a Shriner’s fez.

With his gaze affixed upon mine, I took a swig of my Rose, a deep drag off my cigarette, paused, exhaled into his chiseled face, and uttered:

“Can I help you, man of film noir characteristics?”

The stranger was not amused.

He grunted; thrust a manila envelope to my chest, and exited.

Holding the envelope, I watched him walk away as I shouted to the stranger’s back, “Say Hi to Otto Preminger for me.”

Once back inside the Bagwine digs, I opened a fresh fifth of Wild Irish Rose as well as the envelope. It contained a hand written note.

What follows, is the contents of said note…

Dear Matt-Man,

It’s been a long time since last we spoke. I hope your life is going full bore, because I have always kind of liked you.

I hope that Schmoop is well and your cat, Corky, is still full of life. They are both so cute…yes indeed, damn cute.

Though you are my dear friend, I have been reading your blog of late with some consternation. Why are you trashing Sarah Palin?

Why are you lashing out in a tasteless and gratuitous manner towards her young, nubile daughter Bristol, with such vile and ill-conceived blasphemy? Okay maybe “ill-conceived” was a poor choice of words in Bristol’s case, but you get my point.

I know you enjoy poking fun at people, and typically, I laugh. This time, however, your pokes are hitting too close to home for me to simply laugh them away.

If you were making fun of any other candidate for Vice-President I wouldn’t be upset. But, Matt-Man, Sarah Palin is my daughter…Bristol Palin, my granddaughter. I feel the need to protect them.

I fathered Sarah Palin in a Sandpoint, Idaho motel room the night of May 11th, 1963.

It was a night of passion involving myself, Sarah Heath, and a pan full of twice baked potatoes. Charles Heath, her husband had, and still has, no clue.

In fact other than myself, Sarah Heath, and now you, nobody is wise to this clandestine copulation.

Here’s the deal, Matt-Man. If you continue to attack Sarah, Bristol, or any of the Palins, I will have to take decisive action against you.

What is the action of which I am speaking? I can’t answer that, but I can impart to you, a couple of questions.

I mentioned earlier that Schmoop and Corky are so damn cute…I know that they mean the world to you.

Do you really want to receive a phone call saying that Schmoop has been run over by a bus or fallen down an elevator shaft?

Do you want to come home one day and see Corky boiling in a pot on the stove with potatoes, carrots, and onions?

I didn’t think so…The ball is in your court, funny man.

Sincerely,






John McCain
Senator, GOP Prez Nominee, Potato Eater

Wow…just wow.

Cheers!!