I was flipping through our 300 channels of Cable TV wasteland last night when I came across a Catholic Mass that was being televised.As a former Catholic, I watched it for a few minutes, and oh the thoughts that were resurrected in my mind.
Hosanna on High, Baby!!
Many "salmon cake eating on Fridays during Lent" memories came to mind. The tearfully boring Catechism classes…First Communion, and picking out my confirmation name, Xavier.
I knew nothing of St. Xavier, at that time, but I thought it would be cool to have the initial “X” in my name.
Hell, today, my initials sound like a cool satellite station…“Tonight at 8 Eastern, catch the Matt-Man, only on the MPXM Satellite Radio Network.” Ha…but I digress.
However, the one memory that truly struck a hymnal chord with me was my memory of being an altar boy, or as we called them in my day, a server.
I didn’t have time to find a picture from my tenure, but man, I was a show stopper. Or, I guess, a Mass stopper.
It was hard work getting up early on Sunday and going down to the church.
More than hard work, it was hard to sleep in church as an altar boy what with the bell ringing, the bible holding, and the candle lighting.
There were some good things to come out of it though.
Myself and the other young soldiers for Christ would sneak drinks of the Communion wine prior to Mass. From my first Sabbath as a server, I was forever hooked on Bagwine.
They used Mogen/David for Christ’s sake. Wine made by Jews!!?
Well, I guess it does make sense to turn Jewish-Made wine into Christ’s blood. After all, Mogen and David were descendents of the frickin’ bastards that killed the Holy Baby Jeebus.
I remember Father Hoying orating his uninspiring, yet brief homilies. He was a bit dull in the pulpit, but one heckuva nice guy.
I also remember that where I typically sat on the altar, I always had a perfect view of Erin Marie Murphy.
She was 13 or 14 years old and stacked. Her blarney stones were HUGE, and I wanted to kiss them.
She always wore a short plaid skirt that highlighted her green eyes and reddish pony-tailed hair.
I am so glad that we wore those cassock, robe-like, sacrificial smock looking things, because it would hide my raging, sinful, barely pubescent hard on.
Nobody could tell the wicked thoughts that ran through my mind whilst ogling her. Well, nobody except God and the Holy Baby Jeebus. Those two are frickin’ sven-jollies.
I always wanted to take Erin into the confessional box and admit my sins as I was transgressing against her in real time.
No such luck. The confessional was usually occupied by Father Coleman, Sister Mary Agnes, and/or my buddy, little Ricky Bolton, doing God only knows what.
But, hey, that’s life. It’s probably best, because two years later Erin Marie Murphy gave birth to triplets courtesy of a High School Biology teacher.
You’d think someone in his position would know how to prevent that.
Anyhoo…There you have a little slice of the young, altar boy Matt-Man.
If you are unfamiliar with the Catholic Mass, I have a special treat for you.
Here’s a video of Bagwine fave Phfrankie Bondo , singing Tom Lerher’s, Vatican Rag.
Damn, the boy is so good; it’s like he was lip-synching the entire thing. P-Man, You RAWK!!
Cheers!!
36 comments:
You know, my daughter is an altar server, and I shudder to think what goes through her mind while she's doing her "duties." Then again, my daughter is fairly naive, so perhaps I'm safe. Perhaps.
You know, they do confessions so differently now; my daughter actually looks forward to going when she needs it! So weird; she has no concept of The Box and that ominous sliding sound and "thunk."
Brr.
What a lovely little glimpse into the mind of a confessed Mass stopper. Hmmm ... that almost sounds naughty!
Songbird: Looks forward to it? That's just not right. I have always had a problem with confessing my sins to a guy who may not understand the joy of committing them. Cheers!!
Dana: It does sound naughty, doesn't it. One time, me and Anna Martino, found this giant crucifix, and then...damn I need more coffee. Cheers Dana!!
I never served for mass but I served 4 years in a Catholic school.
When picking confirmation names, my buddies and I went for the weirdest ones we could find, I always liked the name Bart from the westerns so when I saw Bartholomew that did it for me, you did really good with Xavier.
That Bondo's version of the rag truly is a classic!
Micky: I was one of the three lucky ones in my family not to have to serve time in Catholic school.
One brother chose the name Blaise...Classic, as is the P-Man. Cheers Mick!!
I served at mass... and sang in the choir.
Would you believe me if I said I had to make up sins for confession? No?
Those two are frickin’ sven-jollies. Sounds like two Swedish guys out for a good time :)
Right on P-man.
Anndi: I used to make up sins as well, but only because I didn't want to admit my actual ones. Cheers!!
Lu: Ha. Good one. And yeah, right on, P-Man, right on. Cheers Lu!!
I lied 5 times
I hit my sister 15 times
I didn't obey my mother 2 times
I kicked a cat 2 times, is that a sin father? YES!!!!!
I skipped mass 1 time
Redheads are ALWAYS trouble~
Micky: Ha. Sounds like about the same crap I used to say. Cheers Mick!!
Cheesy: Yes they are, and I love them for it. Cheers Cheesy!!
Oh man if I went to confession -which we Greek Orthodox do have although no hiding is a box for us - it would have to be a Port-a-Potty cause I'd be in there a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooog time.
That was a stellar Vatican Rag. Working as I do for the Catholics I felt so rebellious playing it outloud!
Starr: Ha. You are a rebel. Most boxes that I come across I like very much. That wasn't one of them. Cheers!!
Loved the rag. As someone who works for a "competing" denomination that really perked up my morning. I wonder if I can work it into my paper?
And, on one last note...GRACE!!! It's the best thing ever.
Apple: Work it in baby, work it in. And as far as Grace? Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas would agree.
I would too; she was one hot chick. ; ) Cheers Apple!!
I don't remember the confirmation name I picked. I just remember I chose it because I could plagiarize half the report I had to write about her. I did like singing in the choir and the blood of Christ was delicious.
Knight: Ha. Good One. I didn't realize that you were or are Catholic. You have just given me a new idea.
A diet book written by the Holy Baby Jeebus.
Eat Me and Drink Me: Get to Heaven and Look Great Doing It. Cheers!!
As a Baptist, we always had grape juice. Geez, I was robbed! If I'd known about the short skirts and real wine, I'd have swapped Jesuses in a heartbeat!
RLL: Many denominations use grape juice...Because of that, you are all going to Hell. Cheers Sexy!!
The Vatican Rag is a classic!! You really do bring the most talented people together.
MPXM eh? Pretty cool - I'd tune in anytime ;)
My confirmation name is Mary - yep original but I figured the virgin needed some street cred
...my favorite part of the Mass was when Father would utter those Golden Words:..."Go now, the Mass is ended..."!
Dianne: Yes it is, Lehrer is da man. And Mary's? I think the girls in my class all took Mary, Elizabeth, or Ann. But none of them remained virgins for long. Cheers Di!!
Phfrankie: That exact phrase always woke me up from a deep sleep. Excellent Job, P-Man. Cheers to ya!!
I can tell you that diet plan works. I lived it through college.
Knight: Ha. I lived on Champagne Velvet and Velveeta and Crackers. Cheers Knight!!
That was a great video by Phrankie. I didn't know that those electric keyboards came with a laugh track. That's a cool feature.
I always thought that church would get a better crowd if it was more like a Martin and Lewis comedy act.
Or maybe if the preacher was more like Don Rickles? And some people in the congregation could heckle him to set him up. I'm sure if you weren't busy focusing on the hotties, you would have been heckling the Priest right?
Speaking of the hotties, I always thought it was odd that the girls I went to school with wore such tight, short skirts to church, but were forced to wear much less revealing clothes at school. And by "odd" I mean "exciting."
That white binder she's holding. Yeah...that's full of every guy that had sinful thoughts about her. Yes...it's VERY small handwriting.
Jay: Ha. Very good. And I wish I had a laugh track on Tyra Soundbank. You crack me up. Cheers Jay!! Oh, sorry about the Razorbacks.
VE: You are probably correct. The sad thing? I doubt that my name is in it. Cheers VE!!
Matt-Man the alter boy. Holy Father O'Malley, does that ever conjure up a mental picture.
Jeff: I was so cute...so angelic...so horny for Erin. Cheers Jeff!!
Oh dude. That was uncalled for. I was sitting here still thinking about the good old days of sitting in church noticing 16 and 17 year old girls wearing skirts that didn't make it half-way past their silky smooth thighs and wearing high heels and you go and bring up the Razorbacks.
That was cold. Way to kill the mood Matt-Man. ;-)
Jay: I'm sorry. Now, if you would...continue on about the young chicks with the smooth thighs and hi-heels. Cheers!!
ERIN CALLED...THE TRIPLETS ARE GROWN AND OUT OF THE HOUSE AND SHE HAS LUSTED AFTER YOU FOR YEARS.
sHE STILL HAS THE SKIRT AND WANT YOU TO CALL HER SOON!
Love Phfrankie and the V-Rag!
Bond: Thanks for the tip. I am so on that. Cheers Vin!!
Margaret: Phfrankie should go to Hollywood. Cheers!!
Wow. I missed so much coming to this in adulthood. I'm just starting to feel all rebellious and it's no fun without some parents or somebody to offend.
Who's laughing in the video? It doesn't seem like he could fit an audience in his living room.
Marilyn: I think the laughter is coming from the angels. Unlike most nuns, angels are quite the humorous lot. Cheers Marilyn!!
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