Kanye West, ACORN, and Mary Travers...They All Leave Me Lonely

Today…I have a void in my life.

I am floating within an emotional chasm. My heart and soul are empty.

Today is Thursday, my day off. A day on which I typically hang out with Schmoop. Alas, Schmoop’s boss is having her work five days this week.

That is a good change of events monetarily, but it has left me sullen, sad, and alone.

I am taking her to work this morning, carting Ryno off to school, but from 8:15 until 3:00 when I pick him up, I will be pacing and moping aimlessly through the Bagwine digs.

I’ll be all dressed up, and have no one to get undressed with. My world has been knocked off its axis.

I could ring up Kanye West and see if he’d like to hang for awhile.

As I live across from a hospital, we could sit on the porch of the apartment building and make fun of the people going in and out of the Emergency Room.

Kanye could shout, “Hey Bitch!! You call that a fracture? I’ll give ya a fracture!!” Eh, that would be fun for awhile, but I can see him getting on my nerves.

Having my past connections with SEIU, I could call the ACORN office in Columbus and ask if they could send me some underage El Salvadoran prostitutes.

That’s not a good idea either…I mean, young chicks who have grown up subsisting on fetid water, sorghum, and dirt during their formative years, can’t be very attractive, nor very well-built.

I could call up these two nut jobs and see if they’d like to party with me during my emotional exile…

Ol’ Mick and Phfrankie look gangsta good in their Bagwine wear, don’t they? Not going to happen though…They’re too far away.

Heavy sigh…Heavy, Heavy sigh.

I guess I am just looking for a friend for a few hours. Would any of you like to be my special friend?

If you stop by, I’ll make lunch for you. We could chat, laugh, and just hang out. I don’t bite. I am actually a pretty nice guy.

If you’d like to be Matt-Man’s friend today, drop him a line. Matt-Man is very sad, and when Matt-Man is sad, he begins to talk in a self-absorbed third person kinda way.

Do you really want that? I know that Matt-Man doesn’t. Matt-Man finds it annoying as well.

Call, stop by, or email Matt-Man and make my first person sadness and his third person madness stop.

Matt-Man is counting on you.

Cheers!!

Addendum: As I was typing this, I read that Mary Travers of Peter, Paul, and Mary has passed away from leukemia at the age of 72.

As a lover of folk music in general, and Peter, Paul and Mary in particular, I am saddened.

I saw Peter, Paul, and Mary in concert in 1992, and they were fantastic.

If you are going to be my special friend and drop by today, expect to hear P,P and M music bouncing off of the walls as we chat.

Here’s to Mary Travers…In death, may she find the peace and harmony that she sang about during her life.

Monday Morning Matt-e-Chism

I was flipping through our 300 channels of Cable TV wasteland last night when I came across a Catholic Mass that was being televised.

As a former Catholic, I watched it for a few minutes, and oh the thoughts that were resurrected in my mind.

Hosanna on High, Baby!!

Many "salmon cake eating on Fridays during Lent" memories came to mind. The tearfully boring Catechism classes…First Communion, and picking out my confirmation name, Xavier.

I knew nothing of St. Xavier, at that time, but I thought it would be cool to have the initial “X” in my name.

Hell, today, my initials sound like a cool satellite station…“Tonight at 8 Eastern, catch the Matt-Man, only on the MPXM Satellite Radio Network.” Ha…but I digress.

However, the one memory that truly struck a hymnal chord with me was my memory of being an altar boy, or as we called them in my day, a server.

I didn’t have time to find a picture from my tenure, but man, I was a show stopper. Or, I guess, a Mass stopper.

It was hard work getting up early on Sunday and going down to the church.

More than hard work, it was hard to sleep in church as an altar boy what with the bell ringing, the bible holding, and the candle lighting.

There were some good things to come out of it though.

Myself and the other young soldiers for Christ would sneak drinks of the Communion wine prior to Mass. From my first Sabbath as a server, I was forever hooked on Bagwine.

They used Mogen/David for Christ’s sake. Wine made by Jews!!?

Well, I guess it does make sense to turn Jewish-Made wine into Christ’s blood. After all, Mogen and David were descendents of the frickin’ bastards that killed the Holy Baby Jeebus.

I remember Father Hoying orating his uninspiring, yet brief homilies. He was a bit dull in the pulpit, but one heckuva nice guy.

I also remember that where I typically sat on the altar, I always had a perfect view of Erin Marie Murphy.

She was 13 or 14 years old and stacked. Her blarney stones were HUGE, and I wanted to kiss them.

She always wore a short plaid skirt that highlighted her green eyes and reddish pony-tailed hair.

I am so glad that we wore those cassock, robe-like, sacrificial smock looking things, because it would hide my raging, sinful, barely pubescent hard on.

Nobody could tell the wicked thoughts that ran through my mind whilst ogling her. Well, nobody except God and the Holy Baby Jeebus. Those two are frickin’ sven-jollies.

I always wanted to take Erin into the confessional box and admit my sins as I was transgressing against her in real time.

No such luck. The confessional was usually occupied by Father Coleman, Sister Mary Agnes, and/or my buddy, little Ricky Bolton, doing God only knows what.

But, hey, that’s life. It’s probably best, because two years later Erin Marie Murphy gave birth to triplets courtesy of a High School Biology teacher.

You’d think someone in his position would know how to prevent that.

Anyhoo…There you have a little slice of the young, altar boy Matt-Man.

If you are unfamiliar with the Catholic Mass, I have a special treat for you.

Here’s a video of Bagwine fave Phfrankie Bondo , singing Tom Lerher’s, Vatican Rag.

Damn, the boy is so good; it’s like he was lip-synching the entire thing. P-Man, You RAWK!!

Cheers!!