Fuck David MacDonald...I'm Fondling The Holy Grail

A brother of mine, who is a funny fucker, recently emailed me and said that the link he attached made him think of me.

It is an article (by one, David MacDonald) about why the Catholic Church correctly finds masturbation to be a sin.

First of all, I wondered…

Did the article make my brother think that I jack off too much, or…does he think of me when HE masturbates?

If it’s the latter, I am somewhat flattered, but more than a bit creeped out!! Anyhoo…

The first part of this article (which appears on catholicbridge.com) is all about myths about masturbation, and then goes into the Biblical precepts that talk against it and call it a sin.

The part I enjoy the most is one that follows which discusses ways to stop the sin of masturbation:

1. Avoid temptation…

The author offers suggestions such as no porn…Maintaining “soft eyes” while at public places such as malls, and, praying the following prayer:

"Lord come into this temptation, I ask that you remove any desire to look or fantasize in this situation."

I hate to play Devil’s Advocate here but evidently God was tempted by Mary, and without touching her, got her pregnant all through his mighty mind powers. I call, Holy Masturbation!!

2. Surrender Your Life to God…

Surrender? Pffft…The French surrender to everyone and Hell…the Nazis steam rolled through them in World War II because 2/3’s of the French Forces were caught literally with their pants down as they masturbated during the invasion.

3. Get into an Accountability Group…

It says, “Find someone with the same ideas and make daily phone calls…Getting honest with others who are sympathetic will really help.”

Ha…Sounds like the way phone sex starts, which of course, that’s right…Leads To Masturbation!!

4. Confession…

“For Catholics, it starts with making confession.”

Are you kidding me?

If one is sitting in a confessional talking about masturbation to a Priest, especially if one is a young boy, the Priest is listening to the boys sin, while stroking his own holy order, all the while absolving the sinner.

There are more suggestions but I really like the one that is titled, Restitution, which states…

“Cleaning up every aspect of our lives.”

Trust me, I clean up “my life” as soon as I am done jacking. It’s only courteous. So there.

So kids, don’t listen to the author of this anti-masturbation tripe, David MacDonald. Masturbation is good…It’s fun!!

Masturbation is good for the heart and good for the soul. And really, doesn’t God want us all to have a good soul?

Damn right he does!!

Happy last day of February. I’m going to spend mine blowing a load all over a picture of Scarlett Johansson.

Praise Jeebus for her creation!! God is Good!!

Cheers!!

Using Another's Path Doesn't Make You A Follower

“I got to say, you get absolutely no support from me. It's not that I don't want to see you succeed in your own personal sacrifice (that's a good thing) but to do it when the church is doing it, that's sucking up to the church…” --Micky-T

My buddy Mick uttered those words in a comment to me yesterday as I began my 46 day long Lenten sacrifice of not eating bread, pasta, etc.

I was slightly amused at first, because I know how Mick hates the Catholic Church and many religious things in general. And…that’s cool, the Mick-Man is his own man and a good guy.

I thoughtfully pondered his comment. Within my mind Mick’s comment raised a good point, but not the one which he had initially proffered.

Allow me to ‘splain…

Four years ago I began giving up meat for Lent. Well, that had become easy and lacked challenge. I almost looked forward to it, because it offered me an opportunity to come up with off the wall meatless recipes for six weeks a year.

So this year, I opted for giving up bread, pasta, and the like…and that’s where we are today.

Of course…that doesn’t answer the question of why I began doing this, nor does it address the concerns raised by the aforementioned Mick.

Back in 2005, before I even began this site, I had ballooned up to 270 pounds and started dieting. Four years ago, I still weighed some 225 pounds. I had hit my wall. I couldn’t lose anymore weight.

I had just gotten my Driver’s License in February of '06 and I hated the picture on it. My head was incredible evidence of how big I had gotten, and I didn‘t like it. In fact, I hated myself. So…

Lent was drawing nigh and I thought…What can I do to push myself over this wall of weight stalemate? And then it dawned on me.

Lent is coming up, I’ll give up meat for those six weeks and eat healthier. I managed to make it through the first Lent and continued the same the sacrifice up to this year.

Today I weigh 173 pounds, and as far as that part of my life goes, I dig it.

I weigh less than I did in High School, although the weight has shifted since then, and I had more teeth and hair, so I still looked better in High School than I do today, but nonetheless…

But, it goes far beyond the weight thing. When my No Knead for the Devil Tour is done come Easter, I will feel better about myself because I accomplished something.

You see…I’m pretty smart, fairly creative, and a hard worker, but I lack discipline. I’m a big picture kinda guy who says, “Fuck the details.”

Using Lent as a timeline to get something done gives me structure for at least part of the year, and it affords me the opportunity to know that if I put my mind to something I can get it done.

It’s not at all about the Catholic Church, but it does in a roundabout way have something to do with religious teachings.

How can I, as it is written in Leviticus, love thy neighbor as thy self, if I don’t love myself? How can I do unto others, as the Sermon on the Mount teaches us, if I don’t want to do a damn thing myself?

No, this has nothing to do with any church, Catholic or otherwise. This is all about making myself a better person. A stronger person. A person who can answer the call when met with change and challenge.

And yes…it really is that simple. I like doing it for myself.

Before I go, I want to post a video for Clay Perry. He made me laugh last night and he digs Schmoop so here it is…

A Half Naked Thursday video that Schmoop and I did a year or so ago. She’s uber-cute at the very end. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Pope Benedict XVI and the Virtual Vatican...OMG!!

Pope Benedict XVI has been making news left and right of late.

A couple of weeks ago he was chiming in on the evils of gay marriage, and now?

Blitzkrieg Benny is attempting to bring the Catholic Church into the 21st Century by urging his flock of Priests to make full use of new communication technologies in order to evangelize.

Yes indeed…Instead of his army of Priests spending their time embracing young boys, His Popeness wants them to spend their time embracing the internet.

That’s all this world needs, Priests being encouraged to use the internet fully and frequently.

Sweet Baby Jeebus!!

Now, in addition to physically molesting the altar boys at St. Peter in Chains Church and Bingo Hall, these clerical Captains of Catholicism will be enjoying virtual molestation of young boys all over the world.

Watch out you Laotian lads, I hear Father Peter likes his boy toys skinny!!

Maybe I’m wrong about the consequences, but I find it disturbing that when talking about this, the Pope said that internet use will:

“…Create deeper forms of relationship across greater distances.”

Holy Mary!! I’m sure that’s exactly what many of these men are hoping to do in the name of evangelizing.

They’ll be socializing and commenting on teen blogs, and researching the North America Man/Boy Love Association website in hopes of “bringing kids to Christ”.

I can envision names like, Hot4Preacher, FatherYahoo, and Jawbone In Your Ass 69, popping up in chat rooms everywhere.

I can see VaticanMan XVI sending a message out on Twitter that says:

“Sister Maria just brought my dinner. I sed, Fish again? LOL. She told me to, STFU. Who sed dagos can cook? I 8 better food in the Nazi Army. ROFLMAO!!”

When this happens, I’ll know that the Apocalypse, or at least the end of the Catholic Church is near. Oh yeah, Bitches…

This Papal internet initiative has sin and disaster written all over it, and dear God, I do love it so...

Let the “evangelizing” and the scandals begin!!

Cheers!!

Urban Meyer Resigns Himself To An Indefinite Leave Of Absence

Okay, now let me get this straight...

Urban Meyer, the coach of the University of Florida football team announced Saturday that due to health concerns, he would be resigning, and that the Sugar Bowl on January 1, 2010 against the University of Cincinnati would be his last game.

The sports world was shocked, as was I. How could a guy who has an obscenely successful head coaching record of something like 95-18 leave the game at the age of 45?

Ol’ Urb cited health concerns…Claimed his 45 year old ticker was giving him and his doctors fits.

He didn’t like the prospects of having a jug of Gatorade tossed over his head after a victory, have a myocardial infarction and die at midfield while clutching his heart with drool coming out of his mouth on National TV.

No he didn’t like that prospect at all. Urb wanted to get better and spend the rest of his 40 so years on Earth with his wife and family. And the only way to do that as of this past Saturday, was to quit coaching and take it easy.

Well, until Sunday rolled around. On Sunday evening, Urban Meyer said that being with his players at a “spirited practice” Sunday morning persuaded him not to resign. So…

The Urb-Meister will be taking an indefinite leave of absence instead of resigning and after the Sugar Bowl, Steve Addazio will be at the helm of the Gator football squad.

In less than a 24 hour period, Urban Meyer joined the likes of such sports greats as Michael Jordan and Brett Favre by retiring and un-retiring while a nation of sports fans were held captive by the drama.

The only difference is that while Jordan and Favre let the melodrama of their situations drag on with the pace of Marathon runner, Coach Meyer played out his tragedy and rebirth at the speed of Usain Bolt blazing down a 100-meter track.

Damn Straight…Coach Meyer has refused to let the course of his future be drawn out into a swirl of uncertainty. Urban will definitely be on the sidelines coaching the Gators during the 2010 NCAA Football season…or will he?

During a press conference on Sunday, Meyer said that despite his health concerns, he expects to be on the sidelines when the Florida Gators open next season. He continued…

“I do in my gut believe that will happen.”

WTF? He “expects to be on the sidelines”? He “believes in his gut” that it will happen? What kind of doublespeak and anything but definite kind of talk is that crap? What a dick.

Either be the coach or don’t, Meyer.

You allegedly have a bad heart (uh-huh). Are you saying that the problems will go away after just a couple of months? Or are you saying that the U of F wants you to act like you are staying so that potential recruits do not get scared off and go somewhere else?

I don’t like the smell of this. It smells of musty ball sweat stained jock straps and deceit.

I think Florida convinced Meyer (perhaps with money)"to stay", in order to save the recruiting class. But…

I can also see this situation as nothing nearly as nefarious as stringing recruits along as I have suggested.

Maybe Urban Meyer, outside of his skill as a football coach is simply a rash, annoying, fucked up crazy person.

He is after all…a devout Catholic.

Cheers!!

Blitzkrieg Benny and the Bagwine Easter Tree

Twelve days to go until Jeebus resurrects hizzelf.

As you can see, I have the Bagwine Holiday Tree decorated for the festive, life renewing event.

A video on that later.

However, while I looove the Baby Jeebus…His self-proclaimed mouthpiece, Pope Benedict XVI, has pissed me off once again.

Yep, Blitzkrieg Benny during his recent tour of Africa, said that condom use is evil. “No Condoms, Dammit!!”, he said.

Okay he didn’t say, “Dammit.”, but he said that they shouldn’t be used.

He says that condoms will cause more problems than they will help to prevent the spread of AIDS.

Benny, just because you were lecturing while touring the Dark Continent doesn’t mean you have to remain in the Dark Ages.

I know…God doesn’t want the gift of sperm-driven life wasted merely on the pleasures of sexual gratification, but…

What the hell? Should we take you and your Priests lead on how to practice birth control?

And no, I’m not talking about celibacy.

I’m talking about boinking 12-16 year old boys. I mean, yeah, that’s an effective method of not getting anyone pregnant, but c’mon!!

Sure, a good Priest can help to inject a person with the Holy Spirit, but damn…

Does he have to initiate a religious schism between a young boy’s ass cheeks to do it?

And another thing…Why can’t women be Priests?

Y’know…If you Joan of Arc, Mary Magdalene, or even the Virgin Mother herself were alive today, they would not be permitted to be Priests?

And as I said, still today, the Catholic Church is speaking out against responsible, safe sex and birth control practices.

The Catholic Church, and the current Nicene Nazi are just not getting it.

The hierarchy of that Church blows, and that is why I haven't considered myself a Catholic since Notre Dame won the National Championship in football back in 1988.

In fact, I think all organized churches blow. Jeebus never needed a church. He just needed a crowd with whom to discuss peace, love, and understanding.

And that my friends, is how it should be. And how I wish it was today.

And now…A short video of the Bagwine Easter Tree.

Enjoy, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

T-Minus Three Weeks Until the Big "L"

Today marks the three week point prior to my annual not putting juicy, delicious meat into my Adonis-Like body for the duration of Lent.

That’s right, in 21 days I will begin my 46 day meatless sojourn.

When Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morning, I can greet him with a clean colon and a skin tone that resembles that of a bloodless cadaver.

No bacon…no burgers…no sausage…no hot wings or veal parmigiana.

From 12:01 A.M. February 25th ’til 12:01 A.M. April 12th, I will consume no…fricking…meat.

I haven’t been a Catholic in years, but two Lents ago, Jeebus appeared to me and said…

Matt-Man, your body is a temple, could you at least respect it for 46 days a year and refrain from eating meat during Lent? For me?

I replied…

Okay Jeebus; Why the fuck not?

We laughed, and then I began to cry. But, I muddled through that first meat-free Lent and will do so again this year.

It is a nice change of pace. I eat things such as fish sticks, baked potatoes, eggs, tons o’ soup such as tomato and minestrone and…

I will consume every damn bean known to man. But, that’s okay because I have yet to meet a bean I didn't like…although garbanzos are merely so-so.

I enjoy experimenting. I have made black bean burgers. I love a concoction that I make with kidney beans, cream cheese, and onions.

I have dined several nights on either homemade Tuna Helper or a meal of butter beans and cottage cheese. Oh, I come up with some culinary doozies.

This Lent, I plan on knocking up Bagwine friend Michele, of, It’s a Dog’s Life, often.

For recipes, you gutter minded bitches, for recipes. She’s a veggie-head. Jeebus, you guys; I swear.

I am going to add a new twist to this Lent. While giving up meat, I am also going to take up a rigorous workout plan. I call it…

Molding Muscles for the Messiah.

My workout regimen will include 300 push-ups, 300 sit ups as well as walking three miles.

That’s a hundred of each exercise and one mile for each part of the Trinity.

I am also going to do forty-six 50 pound free-weight curls to signify the growing strength that my sacrifice during the days of Lent provides me.

Of course, these numbers reflect the total amount I will be doing over the entire 46 days of Lent.

Therefore, between Ash Wednesday and Easter…

I will do 6.52 push-ups and sit-ups per day. One arm curl per day. And, walk roughly 334 1/3 feet per day.

I’ll alternate curls, one day left, one day right.

If I did one for each arm per day, by Easter I’d be freakishly muscular. I don’t want that.

So that’s my plan, and it begins in 21 days.

I was going to go full bore and refrain from cussing and having sex for the duration of Lent as well.

But holy shit, there’s no way I could go 46 days without swearing.

Cheers!!

Monday Morning Matt-e-Chism

I was flipping through our 300 channels of Cable TV wasteland last night when I came across a Catholic Mass that was being televised.

As a former Catholic, I watched it for a few minutes, and oh the thoughts that were resurrected in my mind.

Hosanna on High, Baby!!

Many "salmon cake eating on Fridays during Lent" memories came to mind. The tearfully boring Catechism classes…First Communion, and picking out my confirmation name, Xavier.

I knew nothing of St. Xavier, at that time, but I thought it would be cool to have the initial “X” in my name.

Hell, today, my initials sound like a cool satellite station…“Tonight at 8 Eastern, catch the Matt-Man, only on the MPXM Satellite Radio Network.” Ha…but I digress.

However, the one memory that truly struck a hymnal chord with me was my memory of being an altar boy, or as we called them in my day, a server.

I didn’t have time to find a picture from my tenure, but man, I was a show stopper. Or, I guess, a Mass stopper.

It was hard work getting up early on Sunday and going down to the church.

More than hard work, it was hard to sleep in church as an altar boy what with the bell ringing, the bible holding, and the candle lighting.

There were some good things to come out of it though.

Myself and the other young soldiers for Christ would sneak drinks of the Communion wine prior to Mass. From my first Sabbath as a server, I was forever hooked on Bagwine.

They used Mogen/David for Christ’s sake. Wine made by Jews!!?

Well, I guess it does make sense to turn Jewish-Made wine into Christ’s blood. After all, Mogen and David were descendents of the frickin’ bastards that killed the Holy Baby Jeebus.

I remember Father Hoying orating his uninspiring, yet brief homilies. He was a bit dull in the pulpit, but one heckuva nice guy.

I also remember that where I typically sat on the altar, I always had a perfect view of Erin Marie Murphy.

She was 13 or 14 years old and stacked. Her blarney stones were HUGE, and I wanted to kiss them.

She always wore a short plaid skirt that highlighted her green eyes and reddish pony-tailed hair.

I am so glad that we wore those cassock, robe-like, sacrificial smock looking things, because it would hide my raging, sinful, barely pubescent hard on.

Nobody could tell the wicked thoughts that ran through my mind whilst ogling her. Well, nobody except God and the Holy Baby Jeebus. Those two are frickin’ sven-jollies.

I always wanted to take Erin into the confessional box and admit my sins as I was transgressing against her in real time.

No such luck. The confessional was usually occupied by Father Coleman, Sister Mary Agnes, and/or my buddy, little Ricky Bolton, doing God only knows what.

But, hey, that’s life. It’s probably best, because two years later Erin Marie Murphy gave birth to triplets courtesy of a High School Biology teacher.

You’d think someone in his position would know how to prevent that.

Anyhoo…There you have a little slice of the young, altar boy Matt-Man.

If you are unfamiliar with the Catholic Mass, I have a special treat for you.

Here’s a video of Bagwine fave Phfrankie Bondo , singing Tom Lerher’s, Vatican Rag.

Damn, the boy is so good; it’s like he was lip-synching the entire thing. P-Man, You RAWK!!

Cheers!!

The Collar is on the Other Neck

I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.

In fact, I was bowled over by the spontaneous, collective firing of my synapses. When I think, it’s a powerful thing.

Anyway, I thought…

Our entertainment world has Taxi Cab Confessions, True Wife Confessions, and even Postcard Confessions.

Why not turn the tables, and start a segment called, “True Priest Confessions”? Let’s put those guys in the hot seat of gut spillin’.

And so, I called, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, and asked a priest to allow me to interview him.

He acquiesced. In order to protect his identity, I will refer to him only as Father Xavier.

Matt-Man: Father X, you have been a priest for 37 years, have you ever seen or participated in sex with with underage boys?

Father X: My heaven’s noooo. That pedophile thing is a bit overblown, because it makes good TV ratings. None of that goes on around here.

Matt-Man: So there isn’t scandalous sex going on in this Church or this Archdiocese?

Father X: Oh there’s plenty, just not with underage boys. We get our ordained freak on with the nuns and some of the hotter parishioners.

Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?

Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit. But man, that Sister Agnes Patrice, talk about your Sisters of Charity.

Matt-Man: I notice that your eyes are red, your speech is slurred, and your wine glass is constantly filled. Do you drink a lot?

Father X: This is the blood of Christ for Godssakes, who wouldn’t want to stay drunk on it. I eat a lot of communion wafers too.

Matt-X: You eat a lot…of hosts? Communion wafers?

Father X: Hell yes. I make a mean BLTBC.

Matt-Man: What’s that?

Father X: Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato on the Body of Christ. You get salvation and a full stomach all at once. Those Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missin’.

Matt-Man: Very interesting. Are there any other “scandalous” happenings my readers may be shocked to learn?

Father X: Well, much like in the world of sports, we have (hiccup) had a problem with steroids within the clergy.

Matt-Man: Really? How did you find out about this?

Father X: Well…(burp) excuse me. It seems some weeks ago, Father Callahan’s sermons really started to improve.

Matt-Man: So?

Father X: Well, his homilies had always sucked. People were falling asleep left and right, and then BAM, he began to knock them dead, and the money was pouring in.

Matt-Man: So this proved…

Father X: That was just part of it (belch) But when he got 400 people through the communion line in under two minutes and could do the Stations of the Cross in five minutes flat. We knew.

Matt-Man: Was he punished?

Father X: Hell No. Pilarczyk, the Archbishop, covered it up like he does with everything.

Matt-Man: Anything else before we go?

Father X: Yeah…Fuck Notre Dame, those (hiccup) bastards rejected my application in 1967. The Four Horsemen were gay!! Pass me the Blood of Christ, would ya? God is Dead!!!

Was that interesting or what, folks? If we do another installment of True Priest Confessions, I hope you’ll join me.

Enjoy your Monday, and Cheers!!