The second and third weeks of November are a calendarical (cool, I just invented yet another new word) no-man’s land.Halloween and the Election have passed, and Thanksgiving, which along with its own celebration ushers in the holiday season, has yet to come.
This span of time is a wasteland…as empty as Britney Spears’ head and about as exciting as this past year’s Fred Thompson for President campaign.
I have been thinking. How can I liven things up?
I didn’t come up with anything other than making some Loosemeat Sandwiches for Schmoop and I, and then the two of us engaging in hot, primeval sex.
But, why bother…
It would take me longer to eat a Loosemeat Sandwich than it would for me to “reach euphoria”. As for Schmoop?
Any euphoria that she would feel would undoubtedly come from the Loosemeat, not from my meat.
Anyway, that idea doesn’t really help to put a breeze into your mid-November doldrums; and really, that’s why I am here.
After another bad idea…or eight…it finally hit me.
I will take these next couple of weeks to work and plan on how I can make the 2008 holiday season the best ever.
Yep, I am going to plan, plan, plan. I am going turn the time from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day into one helluva celebration.
On Thanksgiving, I am gonna cook some fowl and play with Schmoop’s giblets.
Hanukkah? Slap me on the ass, play with my dreidel, and call me Matthew.
Christmas…fugettaboutit. In my full-on, Holy Baby Jeebus complex, I am going to save more than a few Ho-Ho-Hoes by taking them away to my manger.
New Year’s Eve will be full of champers, pizza, noise makers, and yes, porn. The porn being the result of me videotaping the entire, sordid, nude twister game that will inevitably break out.
Yes, folks. This holiday season is gonna be fan-damn-tastic. And you can be a part of it, if you’d like. How, you ask?
The Cynical Bastard himself, Jay, announced the other day that he is sending out Christmas cards out to any of his readers who wanted one.
I thought that was nice of him, and I thought, “Hey why don’t I spread the Christmas love as well?”
So folks, if you’d like a card that expresses the love and joy of the season from yours truly just let me know.
I will send you a card that tastefully captures the reason for the season as only I can. No, really.
If you’d like one, just email me your address and let me know. My email address is in my left sidebar.
If, like Jay, you’d like a little yuletide picture of Schmoop captured in the card as well, let me know that too.
Well, there you have it. This is going to be the holiday season to top all others. Drop me a line, if you’d like to experience it with me.
Cheers!!
Christmas…fugettaboutit. In my full-on, Holy Baby Jeebus complex, I am going to save more than a few Ho-Ho-Hoes by taking them away to my manger.
New Year’s Eve will be full of champers, pizza, noise makers, and yes, porn. The porn being the result of me videotaping the entire, sordid, nude twister game that will inevitably break out.
Yes, folks. This holiday season is gonna be fan-damn-tastic. And you can be a part of it, if you’d like. How, you ask?
The Cynical Bastard himself, Jay, announced the other day that he is sending out Christmas cards out to any of his readers who wanted one.
I thought that was nice of him, and I thought, “Hey why don’t I spread the Christmas love as well?”
So folks, if you’d like a card that expresses the love and joy of the season from yours truly just let me know.
I will send you a card that tastefully captures the reason for the season as only I can. No, really.
If you’d like one, just email me your address and let me know. My email address is in my left sidebar.
If, like Jay, you’d like a little yuletide picture of Schmoop captured in the card as well, let me know that too.
Well, there you have it. This is going to be the holiday season to top all others. Drop me a line, if you’d like to experience it with me.
Cheers!!
39 comments:
I'm FIRST again!!!
I want some yuletide tidings.... yup I do.
I also want a loose meat sandwich...
I feel like I should be sitting on your lap with a list.
Anndi: Well consider your tidings in the works. And as far as you sitting on my lap, in my mind you are. Cheers Anndi!!
In our younger days we would send tidings to everyone we possibly could. I think that was when it was about 12 cents and we would mail them at the last minute so we would recieve back a few but never many, because we moved around so much, people hated looking us up in their address book. They would have to decifer through two pages of scratched out addresses and phone numbers that no doubt came from last years card. No wonder that as the years went by we got fewer and fewer.
So let me raise my hand high, yelling, I do, I do!
That darn Anndi!! She's sitting on your lap and blocking my ability to give my yuletide greeting!
Mick: I stopped sending cards out years ago as well. But you, my good man, were already on my list whether you wanted one or not. Cheers Mick!!
Dana: It doesn't have to be an exclusive greeting. You can always join in with us. Cheers Dana!!
I want loose meat too!
TB: You'll have to come and get it. Trust me, it doesn't mail well. Cheers!!
...can my card be in the form of a folded-over slab of slow-roasted spiral-cut ham, with yam lettering inside?...oh, and a picture of Schmoop?
Phfrankie: Hmmmmm. Would you settle for a card that has a picture of Schmoop wearing nothing but a bra made from yams and ham panties? Cheers!!
...ham panties? Now I can die happy...
Phfrankie: And your corpse will be well-cured. Yeah, I know, sorry. Cheers!!
Your are doing a grand deed for my employer! lol
Cheesy: Ha. That was first and foremost in my mind when I decided to do this, Cheesy. Cheers Sexy!!
oh my! cards from you and Jay!! My holiday is complete. Plus my birthday is in December so I'll send you my address now so that you can plan accordingly. Nothing fancy, just something tasteful that says Matty :)
life is good!
You're gonna be sending out lots of cards dude. I didn't get all that many people wanting cards. Seems that there are a number of people out there not wanting to give up their address to me. Weird huh? LOL
Dianne: I think maybe your idea of tasteful and mine might be different. On second thought, I am pretty sure it isn't.
Rest assured, when I send your card, the envelope will be sealed with a huge, sloppy, wet kiss. Cheers Di!!
Jay: I haven't gotten anybody yet who has actually sent their address, so it ain't you.
Thanks for inspiring me. And for once, I am being serious.
I just wish that along with their address, they would send a traced picture of their front door house key. Cheers Jay, and Thanks!!
I better get one again this year - that is all I am saying...
Bond: I don't think I sent you one last year. I think I may have called ya. You sent me one, but I think I may have wiped my ass with it, so send me your address again, just in case. Cheers!!
Ah crap I'm going to have to get a po box so I can get stuff from my blogger friends because my Hubby is paranoid one of you might rob us blind or kill us in our sleep. But if I got a po box that would be keeping a secret from him and as far as I know, we don't do that so I will have to pass on the snail mail card I guess, maybe, not sure yet, I'll let you know :)
As far as the loose meat, I'd be happy to try and pack that for you *wink*
Yes on the loosemeat - can you be here by lunchtime?
Of COURSE I want a card, you send me yours, I'll send you mine. ;-)
I'll take mine without the loosemeat. Unless you can send a grilled cheese samich instead??
Lu: Well yo ulet me know and Ha...Pack my Loosemeat, eh? You're funny. Cheers Lu!!
Tug: Sweet. I'll send you mine, alright. Cheers Tug!!
Giggle: Mmmmmmmm, Grilled Cheese. Whateveah you want dear. Cheers GP!!
You already have twister? Man, I'm gonna have to take that part of your unwedding present back. I'm keeping the crisco though. I can cook with that.
hell, so that card from "your favorite commie-pinko-stalker" was not from you?
OH and Dad Vince asked me to respond to your comedic efforts on The Couch today...it is in my comments.
Marilyn: Ha. Good One. Dirty Crisco Hoarder, you. Cheers Marilyn!!
Bond: No, maybe it was sent to you by Hoot in a drunken moment. I'll check it out, Vinny. Cheers!!
Ha!
Funny, a bit smutty, and good hearted all at the same time.
Kanani: Just like me. Cheers Kanani!!
I might join in and send folks Greek christmas cardsm this is a great idea matt!
Cathy: That would be way cool. Could you throw a real gyro into the mix as well? Good to see ya. Cheers Cathy!!
You already have my address from last year. I still have yours, so I can continue to stalk you.
Songbird: Stalk me baby, stalk me. Cheers!!
SIGN
ME
UP!!!
Hope: Well, where do I send it!? Cheers Hope!!
I want one! You better have just added me to the list without my email too or I am gonna be pissed. I have still not recovered from my Best Man tuxedo loss ;0
Starr: Ha. It took me a second before I knew what you were talking about. Cheers Starr!!
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