Well folks, Christmas is just three days away, but today is the first day of Hanukkah.So, I think it only appropriate that I take time today to give a shout out and a blow on the shofar to our Messiah Killin’ Jew friends.
Actually, Hanukkah began at sunset Sunday night. That’s appropriate, since the first day of Winter began as well, and…
We all know how frigid those Jew chicks can be. But, this post is about the love I have for my Jewish brothers and sisters.
Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to light a recently defiled temple for eight days…
So they cut a deal with God and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.
Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews broke their deal with God, and killed his only begotten son.
Give a Jew an inch of candle wick and he’ll take a mile…or your only offspring.
I guess during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.They eat latkes, pontshkes, and knishes. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.
Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling and they can admire themselves while having the hoo-ha humidified or their Shabbat salad tossed.
And well, that’s about it. Oh, there’s the whole dreidel thing, but is spinning a wooden top, really something to get excited about?
I’ll take Santa Claus over a block of wood with Hebrew writing all over it anytime. Hell, the damn thing probably spins right to left anyway. To me, that’s just not kosher.
In spite of all of that, I hope you guys have a lovely holiday. I am, after all, all about the love, joy, and togetherness of the season.
In fact, I hope your Hanukkah is filled with smiles as wide as the West Bank, laughter as loud as an Teheran marketplace, and bacon…
Lots and lots of bacon.
Cheers!!
27 comments:
Again dude, I would love to tell you that this post is hilarious, but this time I would be risking a potential three-way with Natalie Portman and Sara Silverman. I don't want to mess that up! I'm sure you understand. ;-)
This post and Jay's comment only reinforce why you two are my blog pimps tomorrow...heehee. You crack me up!!!
Jay: I understand your concern about Mizz Portman, but as for Sexy Sara...she'd probably find this post mildly amusing. Cheers Jay!!
Hope: I have longed to be used and pimped out by you. Merry Christmas to ME!! Cheers Hope!!
I've been surfing ALL MORNING looking for ADAM!! Thank you Sweet Baby Matt-Man!!!
Love me some latkes!
Ha! Love me some Satire! You crack me up!
Hanukkah, I have the urge say Gesundheit :)
Vodka: I am here to serve sweet stuff. Cheers VM!!
Cheesy: Oh dear God, so do I. Happy Hanukkah. Cheers Cheese!!
Desert Rat: I was being serious. Bada Bing. Cheers Rat!!
Lu: Well, then by all means say it. SAY IT!! Cheers Pal!!
My Jewish Nana is gonna come back from the other side and hunt your ass down.
You better have some good f'ing jewelry ready for her if you want to see your pagan tree again.
Dianne: Ha. I thought perhaps you might invoke her name if you commented on this post.
I give her some jewelry and the promise to listen intently to her stories about her aches and pains. Cheers Di!!
You do know how to invoke the joy, don't you?
Think I'll build a Hanukkah top. Just cause I can!
Songbird: It's a gift. Cheers Dear!!
Micky: I bet you could build one helluva ark if you put your mind to it. Cheers Mick!!
Phfrankie: I always had a thing for Monica Lewinsky. I dig thick chicks with dark hair. Mmmmmmm, yes I do. Cheers P-Man!!
♫...with a garlic aroma that could level Tacoma...♫
Spreading the history of religion since 2006....
Soaking up a Bagel with Cream Cheese as I type. -15? lol, damn, now I know why I left Ohio.
Stay warm Matt.
Phfrankie: Ha. You Funny. Cheers!!
Bond: I try use this forum as a public service. Cheers!!
Hoot: Eh, it builds character. At least that's what I tell myself. Cheers!!
Hoot just turned me off cream cheese...
Ah man you lost me at Latkes and Knishes. Kidlet went to a Jewish Community Center Day Care center from 6 months until Kidergarten. Their deli....oh my dear lord...........
Sorry food porn got to me!
But ... but ...
They get a gift EVERY day for 8 days! Hello?? I'm going Jewish!
I'm 1/2 Jew, so as my Hanukkah gift to you I'll let you spin my dreidel.
Ha! :-)
Anndi: But cream cheese is delicious!! Cheers Anndi!!
Starr: There few things better than a top notch Jewish deli. Cheers!!
Dana: And lose your Shiksappeal? Don't do it. Cheers!!
Giggle: Will you call me Moses while I spin ya? Cheers GP!!
Ah Matty - it's too true. My first boyfriend was (and most likely still is assuming the bastard is still alive) Jewish, and I never received any oral pleasure from him during the holidays - and very rarely during the rest of the year too.
However, I do have Jewish cousins and they rock the house down.
But I still don't get the dredle thing either.
Angell: Ha. Man, it aint easy being you. Cheers!!
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