Stiffening a Soft Economy

We are in the midst of a financial crisis not seen since the day when Paul McCartney married Heather “Pogo Stick” Mills.

This nation cannot continue to print money or borrow cash from those Godless, slant-eyed Devils in Beijing.

Sure, President Obama and Congress are “working” on creating jobs, fixing the banks, and repairing our infrastructure.

That’s nice, cute even. But we need cash in our governmental coffers, people!!

I have a plan that tackles this very issue. It attacks this problem in four different areas. Today, I unveil the first part…

The Prostitution Solution

Oh sure, scoff…But let me tell you, prostitution is a billion dollar industry in this country. We need to legalize it and tax the hell out of it.

If we do that, we will see that not only does sex sell, it pays as well. Just ask Pogo Stick Mills.

I am not simply asking for prostitution to become legal, I am asking that it become encouraged. These are dire times my friends, but Americans always respond.

During World War II, patriotic Americans throughout this land planted Victory Gardens, in order to help the war effort.

I am calling for prostitution to become legal and that busty, young, patriotic chicks heed the call of national duty and become not merely simple hookers, but rather…

Prosperity Pussies!!

And listen to me now you unhappily married men…You’ll be doing your part by paying higher fees for their services.

After all, we can no longer afford to allow you to hire a hooker and experience, Ejaculation without Taxation!!

We need thousands of young ladies to become citizen concubines, and help to infuse sorely needed dollars into our economy.

I have come up with a couple of incentives in order to make this happen.

First of all…Are you a sexy babe between the ages of 18-23, and you’d like a way to pay for college?

If you agree to become a hooker for a period of four years, your college will be paid for by the government.

I call this initiative, the Penetration for Matriculation Service (PMS).

The tax dollars you bring in will more than pay for your tuition, and you’ll be helping to turn a flaccid economy into a throbbing, national ATM Machine.

Older than 23 or feel that college is not for you? Not a problem. Sex is also a product that is part of the global economy and global competition.

You can sign-up to become a member of my hooker export program.

We are going to flood the streets of Bangkok, Moscow, and other international hot spots with sexy, sassy American prostitutes.

This branch of my prostitution solution will be known as, The Piece Corps.

After two years of service banging ill-mannered Russians or unintelligible Thais, you have two options.

You can take a tax free $25,000 grant to start your own brothel here in the States, or…

Put your newly found skills to use by working for the State Department in the diplomatic corps.

Damn right, bitches. Part one of my plan rocks, no? And please, don’t think of this tax as a sin tax…

Think of it as a win tax.

Pass me a condom, levy my tax, and God Bless the United States of America.

I’ll have part two of four, tomorrow.

Cheers!!