Stench upon stench has covered me in an oily pile of mildew that is deep, dank, and nasty…
Kinda like the balls of sweat that drip from Dick Cheney’s scrotum whenever he thinks about snapping the necks of fuzzy, little kittens.Yeah, I’ve been in a bad mood because of a number of things. But…I’m trying, as I always do, to find a sliver of a rainbow during these times.
Wednesday night at work, I dropped a six pack of Amber Bock. Two of the six bottles broke. There’s eight bucks gone from my wallet for the remaining four bottles.
The sad thing…I don’t like Amber Bock. The upside? My brother, Marte’ is coming over tonight so I can give them to him. He likes ’em.
My son, Ryno…After a month or so, of academic glory, he has slacked way back into a position of near academic emergency.
The upside?
Ryno told me Tuesday that he now officially has a girlfriend. Which means he’s not gay…at this point.
Of course, he initially lied to his mom and I about his grades, so maybe he’s lying about having a girlfriend.
Maybe he is gay. He does, after all, like pineapple and ham on his pizza, and that’s pretty damn gay.
Other than him being my adorable son, I’ll get back to you on the sliver of a rainbow that’s emanating from him.
Schmoop…Mmmmmm, Schmoop. She’s been flooding like the Red River. I think she has stopped. So, maybe today I can pull a Number 9 on her.That’s encouraging…Of course, she really wants to have a hysterectomy. We can’t afford that being performed by a doctor…in a hospital. Man, that’s expensive.
But on the upside? I had a thought.
We had our cat, Corky fixed for a couple of hundred bucks. I think I’ll ask Corky’s veterinarian if he can fix Schmoop.
Hell, Schmoop has the same parts as Cork, only bigger. If the vet can make Schmoop barren for $200.00, that’s a huge ol’ double rainbow.
Slide down and say meow, Schmoop!!
Anyhoo…I’m in a bit of a personal funk right now, but I’m am trying to stay positive. The Bagwine helps.
And, just think…I only have 10 days to go until I can meat again. There's a sliver of rainbow.
Of course, come Easter Sunday, I’ll probably orally rape a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, choke, and die.But then again, that will allow Schmoop, and her new found wombless self, to screw like a rabbit.
And on the upside? That would make Corky’s veterinarian feel very proud.
Cheers!!
32 comments:
Matt sweetie, you have got to stop drinking on the job, those bottles are costly! I am disappointed to read that the boss takes that out of your check, what about all the humor you provide- start billing him for that and I bet your beer and bagwine would be free!
It's up and down with teens; sorry to say it is going to be that way for a while still. Expect the unexpected and trust no teen until you confirm everything.
I wish a hysterectomy for Schmoop and you- is it ok if I email you off blog about it?
Last night my 12 year old son and I were watching TV and he says to me out of the blue.."dad aren't you glad I'm not a faggot?"
I'm like where in the hell did that come from?
"the kids at school say it all the time"
I told him I didn't care what he was that we love him no matter what. But yeah it makes it easier that he likes chicks.
Snugs: Email away!! Don't diss the boss. He's a good guy, and he makes me laugh. It was my fault. And I know all about the ups and downs, but for reasons concerning Ryno, he drives me crazy at time. Cheers Snugs!!
Hammer: Ha. That's Funny. I wouldn't care either. But you're right...It does make things easier. I'll love the little shit no matter what. Cheers Hammer!!
You know Lent is almost over when the meat starts coming back to the blog! Where's the beef??
Dana: It's ten days away...unfortunately. And I want some. Cheers!!
Matt, darlin' I could barely keep up but then the 3 glasses of wine didn't help.
I told my boys that I'd be fine if they were gay as long as they provided me with grandbabies first. I have priorities, people!
Lately I can feel for Schmoop. The whole female thing sucks. I'd be a little concerned about the whole vet thing. You may want to rethink that scenario.
I know that you are looking forward to the meat thing but could you take a couple of minutes to think of your colon before you have that meat orgy? Yeah, I know I'm a pain in the butt but damn someone has to look out for you and I love you so big sister to the rescue.
sometimes the comments here are just as damn funny as the post!
I don't even know what part to comment on FIRST.
so, let's just say......I had a huge damn cheeseburger last night. jealous?
Michele: Well I had far more than three glasses when I wrote it so it should have made perfect sense. Yeah, Schmoop's periods are pretty rough for her. Hopefully one day soon the pox upon her womb will be eased. I appreciate your colon concern but I am and always shall be a devout carnivore. Cheers Michele!!
Vodka: I have always said that the comments are typically funnier than the posts. As for the cheeseburger? I am not jealous...I wanna lick the juice form your chin. Cheers VM!!
Perk up Pal :) Beef is just around the corner and Schmoop is close at hand...
Lu: I know, and Schmoop and I were just talking about you. We both hope things are healing up for ya pal. Cheers Lu!!
Eat some freakin meat already....all your ills will go away if you shove some charred cow flash into your pie-hole...
Ryno will get into Harvard...Schmoop will never bleed again and you will not have the DTs causing you to drop expensive beers on the floor...
EAT THE MEAT
..yes, ham and pineapple on pizza is, in a word, gay...(not that there's anything wrong with it!)...
Bond: Eat some meat!!? And break my covenant with Jeebus? You sir, are a Harlot of the Seven Hills on a level never before seen since Caligula. I rebuke you. Cheers Vinny!!
Jeebus called me last night to talk about you, it was so hard to understand what he was saying
I think he was eating a burger
He did say he loves you
Phfrankie: Ha. It is gay. I mean, it tastes "okay", but c'mon, pizza is designed for REAL MEAT, CHEESE, and FUNGI. Pizza eaters of the World, Unite!! Cheers!!
Dianne: I know Jeebus very well...When talking to you, he wasn't eating a burger; he was eating Mary Magdalene, and probably drunk off of his holy ass as well. Cheers!!
It doesn't matter if your kids are gay or straight. What matters is that they can provide for you in your old age.
Jay: Ha. No Kiddin'. Why do you think his mom and I pay to send him to a private school and basketball camps? You are the genius of the day. Cheers Jay!!
The first time (and not quite the last) I had a pizza with pineapple and ham I thought it was real good, but I agree with you there is something "not right" about it!
Micky: Y'know you summed it up correctly. Ryno has given me a slice or two and it's not horrid, but it just ain't right having pineapple on pizza. Cheers!!
Many gay men dated women when they were in their teens. I'm just saying. You pay for basketball camp to make sure you are covered in the future but maybe he would like a ballet class as well?
Knight: What are you implying? He has already has expressed desire to be a chef. Is that gay enough for ya? Cheers!!
Dang, make sure he doesn't get slippers with big nobs at the toes!
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
First, a big kiss on the forehead, Mattman. I think it's a bad planetary line up or something..dunno, but craprastic does not seem to amply describe it for me either. Still this post made me smile and reminded me to knock my shit off and be a little more positive course the bottle I broke out to share iwth you and Schmoop prolly didn't hurt!
be good! xoxox ~hope
Even if Rhino is gay, at least he'll have good taste.
Younz (how do you like that word)were talkin' about little ol' me ah shucks youze (an how about that one) guys *blush*
First time I saw a gal here in Pa actually write those words I could not believe it. It is one thing to speak that slang, which yes I do from time to time, but to actually write it in a letter HA!
You crack me up! LOL
sorry about the funk.
sorry about schmoop's unavailability.
maybe she can help you out with Palm Sunday?
(I am impressed with your meatlessness yet again)
I can't wait until ryno is older...
Darryl: He does have an eye for all things pretty. Cheers!!
Lu: Younz...Ha...I know people that say that as well, but until know hadn't really seen it in print. Thanks!! Cheers Lu!!
Karen: Why thanks. Smiles are what I live for. Cheers Karen!!
Kat: Thanks. I'm sure the funk shall pass at some point. And everyday is Palm Sunday in my world. Cheers Kat!!
I feel your pain, Matt. I got my cell out after the auction on Wednesday and BOOM. 8 missed phone calls. I just called my mom and asked what she had broken this time.
She dislocated her kneecap and sprained her knee. By WALKING. So she is home on Vicodine and has an ortho appointment on Tuesday. She stayed at my moms yesterday and I have her tonight. On the plus side, pizza got rid of my headache!
Oh and it was spinach alfredo pizza. Totally lent friendly =)
You must have had a tough week if you intentinally tortured yourself with the double bacon cheeseburger pic.
Hang in there dude!
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