I have a feeling that my appliances are banding together in order to kill me in my sleep…
Much like my cat, and Matt on occasion.
Oh please, I can see it in his eyes. The way he ignores me when I talk, the way he says, “that’s fine dear” without moving his lips. Mmm Hmm.
The first appliance to give me grief was a toaster that my Uncle gave me years ago.
He always bought top of the line things, nothing cheap. He was highfalutin’ that way. Yes, that is a word.
Geez. When I brought it home, immediately one “leg” fell off. So to this day, I have a three-legged, quasi-palegic toaster.
Holy crap, see that picture? It leans more than Heather Mills!! Lovely.
Next? My coffee pot, which I have lovingly named, Darth Vader…
It makes a LOT of noise when brewing…raspy, bellowing, “Luke, I am your Father” noises. Sometimes, it won’t brew at all, except...all over the mother fucking counter!!
Well, it was only $10 at the Dollar Store…eight years ago. So perhaps, it has grounds to be a piece of shit. Ha!! Get it? Grounds!? Oh, I kill myself.
Well, tonight was the kicker on the appliance front.
I’ve been wanting a new vacuum cleaner like forever, but M-Man says the NINE YEAR OLD vacuum is JUST fine, no need to buy another one…do you vacuum, Mr. Butthole? Oh yeah, he does…so disregard.
Anyhoo, the fucking handle came loose, and dust, which I like to call Cat Funk, was blowing all over the place.
I managed to put it back together to finish, but I am SO buying a new one.
So now, I’m officially taking donations to buy the Dyson Ball! Ha! I said ball!! It’s only $400 plus. Too much???
Well, I want it dammit! After living with the Matt Man for nine years, I think I deserve a new, super dirt sucking vacuum…
And speaking of things that suck…
I also deserve a telethon for a woman who cannot get enough air due to someone’s EGO sucking all of the oxygen from this tiny, tiny apartment. Feel sorry yet? No? Damn.
What was this all about? Oh yeah, appliances. Well, Matt-Man is kind of like an appliance. In fact, you could call him my, B.O.B.
Bagwine Operated Boyfriend.
In fact, we are both off today and I plan on plugging in Matt-BOB in order to do some hot, “cleaning” on me today.And let me tell you guys…
If Matt-BOB can’t perform the way he is supposed to, he’s going to be put in the trash along with the damn vaccum.
Thank you for allowing me to send you yet another, Dispatch from my Ass.
Zoves,
Schmoop
29 comments:
Your vibrator is still working. We all know that it is the most important appliance.
Holy cow is it in the air or what? I had to replace both the coffee pot and toaster this week and just got the vac out of hawk at the repair shop... geez....
Tell your very own personal BOB that where you were a litle off the mark with your fan buying episode you will redeem yourself if you get a Dyson. It might help to promise a little extra suction in other areas too in order to get your way. Just catch him in a weak moment when you have complete control, I have full confidence that you will soon be watching him running around with the much coveted yellow one!
A talking coffee pot would be pretty cool. Does it ever say "Together we can rule the galaxy?" Cause that would be cool too.
Just so long as it doesn't say "I want you to kill ... kill .. KILLLLLLL!" like Son of Sam's dog did. Bad doggie!
Come on Matt. Get her a ball! I mean a Dyson Ball. ;-)
Allow me to give you my father's patented method of dealing with appliances that get uppity.
Toasters are a special favorite of his. For a year that our toaster burned his toast. One morning he snapped.
I found Dad out on our deck whipping the toaster around over his head by the cord. He looked like a psychotic rodeo dude. With each rotation he chanted, "YOU. WILL. NOT. BURN. MY. FUCKING. TOAST. EVER. AGAIN." and then flung the toaster at our hundred year old oak tree. It was epic.
I am ready, willing, and more than able to clean you up...Provided you catch me early enough in the day before the mass quantities of Bagwine kick in, and my power cord goes on the fritz.
But, in my defense...When I am operating at peak form, no mechanical B.O.B. can elicit the carnal ecstasy that Matt-BOB can. Cheers!!
Michele: Actually, I don't own a vibrator. Is that sad?
Cheesy: It must be. Wow, you have your vacuum repaired? I'm throwing this mother right out the window!!
Snugs: You had to remember the fan thing, didn't ya? The only problem with your theory is the price. A $38 fan, compared to a $400 vacuum. Oh well, I can dream can't I?
Jay: I wondered what the coffee pot was saying to me! Now I must carry out it's wishes...Please collect bail money : )
Starr: OMG!! That is classic! I am still laughing!! I almost set the vacuum outside my door with a sign that says "Free If You're Stupid"
Matt: Oh I'll catch you early enough! There will be abuse, I demand it!! Oh, and the Ego? CAN'T BREATHE....
But I have faith that you are capable of providing $400 worth of pleasure..remember it's all in the jaw :)
Heather Mills...toaster...Heather Mills...toaster...Heather Mills...toaster...
the toaster may have a leg missing but it says - 'extra wide slot' - and that's gotta count for something
Snugs: Oh I'm sure I do, but where is the $400 going to come from???
Phfrankie: God I hope it doesn't ask me for millions of dollars!!
Diane: Ha! Now if I could only find something to fill that "extra wide slot"!
Like I always say: if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they make a toaster that doesn't burn toast.
And oh, that poor oak tree...
Meg: I have never had a toaster that didn't burn toast. What is "slightly toasted"? Do not know. Poor oak tree? Think of my neighbors when it all comes out the window!!
HA! loved it :)
Stiller & Meara...
Lu: Ha! We are, aren't we?!! Do you have a Dyson, for me just ot have?? Or maybe a coffe pot that doesn't want me to kill?
"Slightly toasted" - isn't that Matty's normal condition?
Songbird: Why yes, yes it is!
I have an Oreck, love it. It is a salty priced item too. Hubby got it for me one Christmas. Some might think it was a sucky gift but he knows I hate the sound of the vacuum cleaner and the Oreck is not ear shattering or nerve bending in decibles. I just go in for the cheap coffee pots. What the hell have a friend who's wife bougjt a pot for like $150 bet my coffee tastes just as good :)
Reminds me of the Great Appliance Revolt of '02 - hot water heater, dishwasher and air conditioner. It wasn't pretty.
I have a hair drier that I have to watch as it tends to suck my hair in the back end if it gets too close to my head.
My first husband liked to take uncooperative appliances out into the desert and shoot them.
Enjoy your BOBapalooza!
Lu: My sister has on Oreck, and she LOVES it! I'll check those out also. I know about the coffee pot. My $10 Dollar Store pot is still going, so I won't replace it until it finally dies. You're right the coffee tastes just as good, if not better!
Desert: I've had my hairdryer for nine years also! God how could I forget about that! I asked for it for Christmas! Still going strong, but I have had one that burnt the hell out of my hair! Could I send my appliances to your desert??
And Matt Man says: Here's to Truckee!
Schmoop: That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. You must go out and get one ASAP. You'll thank me for it later. BTW, my husband thinks it's great but before I get into TMI territory I'll go.
Michele: I had one, ok a few, years ago, but I just don't need them now. But if you insist..
I have an Oreck, too. It IS pricey, but well worth it. Plus, it doesn't weigh much, so my kids can push it (teehee!). It has great suction power. That thing could suck the hair off a Barbie from a foot away. Trust me on that one. *grin*
I think BOBs are easy to replace. Vacuums... not so much.
Marilyn: Ha, Very Good. Cheers!!
Dont you think you need a new ass picture, Schmoop? I mean, it's past valentine's day, and I do think you ought to slip into something that says "summer."
Buy a new vacuum! Yours sounds awful.
Oh, and I got a reconditioned Oreck from the Oreck store for $100. But you can get a new Hoover or something at WalMart for around $50 - 70.
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