Greetings from Schmoop and Dave.This week, we’re combining his, Dig It, With David and my, Dispatches from my Ass segments.
I guess we’ll call it, Dig It From My Ass, David. Ha!!
We’re going to take you to the Grocery Store with us. Won’t this be a fun ride?
My brother Dave and I go to the grocery store (either Wal-Mart or Kroger’s) every two weeks or so, and we find all kinds of mischief to get into!
My brother is nice to everyone, believe it or not, and I just want to get OUT! He talks to the Wal-Mart greeter, while I grunt.
I’m just glad everyone at our neighborhood Kroger store knows us now. They used to think we were husband and wife.
Ewww! Hello! Not brother husband /sister wife. This is Ohio, not West “By God” Virginia.
As we go up and down the isles at either store, we have been known to yell at each other from three to six aisles over, asking where such and such is.
As we go up and down the isles at either store, we have been known to yell at each other from three to six aisles over, asking where such and such is.
Dave smells every fucking thing in the place, and I do mean everything.
He shakes the cottage cheese (might not be enough whey you know), and chip containers, (a few might be broken) Oh the Humanity!!
He opens the frozen pot pie, and TV dinner boxes to see if they are in aluminum tins. I remind him every time, that they haven’t done that since the Carter administration.
He shakes the cottage cheese (might not be enough whey you know), and chip containers, (a few might be broken) Oh the Humanity!!
He opens the frozen pot pie, and TV dinner boxes to see if they are in aluminum tins. I remind him every time, that they haven’t done that since the Carter administration.
No matter. I guess he has hope.
He wanders aimlessly…I, with purpose.
I cuss out people who stare at the soup cans for HOURS, while standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, and even when I say, “Excuse Me”, they look at me like I have five heads.
Ok, it’s in my head, but I give them really dirty looks, and sigh a lot. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s fucking soup!
I know…I know…you’re torn between Campbell’s or the Kroger brand, and trying to figure out what the fuck the word, “consommé” means has just rocked your pea brained world but please…
Buy it or don’t…But get the fuck out of my way!!
I can never get to the meat section, because someone is always STARING, and handling every fucking package.
He wanders aimlessly…I, with purpose.I cuss out people who stare at the soup cans for HOURS, while standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, and even when I say, “Excuse Me”, they look at me like I have five heads.
Ok, it’s in my head, but I give them really dirty looks, and sigh a lot. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s fucking soup!
I know…I know…you’re torn between Campbell’s or the Kroger brand, and trying to figure out what the fuck the word, “consommé” means has just rocked your pea brained world but please…
Buy it or don’t…But get the fuck out of my way!!
I can never get to the meat section, because someone is always STARING, and handling every fucking package.
It’s hamburger people…you know, minced cow?? It’s funny, because no one we see ever looks at produce that way. Just toss it into the cart! Idiots.
Of course, judging by the looks and smell of some of the burger gawkers and produce tossers, I don’t think any type of fruit or vegetable has passed their lips since the night that Ethel Merman guest starred on an episode of, The Love Boat.
We do have fun though. We make fun of people, look for stuff that we had in the 70’s, and I always, and I mean always, look for that elusive and ultimately never found, box of Frankenberry cereal.
Years ago, when Mom, and Dave’s dog Megan was still alive, Mom insisted she have Mighty Dog soft dog food. Fourteen cans mind you. Why fourteen? No clue.
We’d be standing in that isle picking out the food, and we’d simultaneously begin singing, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, by Heywood Banks.
Of course, judging by the looks and smell of some of the burger gawkers and produce tossers, I don’t think any type of fruit or vegetable has passed their lips since the night that Ethel Merman guest starred on an episode of, The Love Boat.
We do have fun though. We make fun of people, look for stuff that we had in the 70’s, and I always, and I mean always, look for that elusive and ultimately never found, box of Frankenberry cereal.
Years ago, when Mom, and Dave’s dog Megan was still alive, Mom insisted she have Mighty Dog soft dog food. Fourteen cans mind you. Why fourteen? No clue.
We’d be standing in that isle picking out the food, and we’d simultaneously begin singing, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, by Heywood Banks.Nobody really stared until I said “let’s do PI!”
Oh, the adventures when Dave and I start out doing it all again this Thursday morning!! And, it will start out by both of us saying the following…
“I’m only getting what’s on the list.” Yeah baby, you keep thinking that. But…We’re a team dammit!!
And maybe, just maybe I’ll be the nice one this time, just for shits and giggles…
Nah!! Better yet, I’ll ride in the cart, Dave can push me, stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, and we’ll both stare at the soup!!
Zoves and Dig It,
Schmoop and Dave
23 comments:
All the sudden my trips to the grocery store seem a tad lacking. I take it that there are no other siblings? Or at least no other siblings that partake in your grocery shopping ritual.I am also thinking that dear Matty is one smart cookie for bowing out of this outting of yours.
Hey Schmoop!? Don't forget the eggs and broccoli...I need some natural viagra for Mr. Winky.
David, make sure she buys me something good. Oh and Snugs? I can shop with Dave, with Schmoop? Not so much. Cheers and Zoves, All!!
I'm thinkin' the reason your Mom had you get fourteen cans of dog food was because you went to the market every two weeks or so....maybe?
My mama is a soup shopper. My step-dad likes three or four different flavors and they always seem to be in a different place on the shelves. When I try to help...she insists she wants to find them herself!
just so you know...I'm totally envious of you grocery shopping with your brother....
Snugs: You don't know what you're missing! I do have other siblings, they're just no fun! Matt can't go, I make him nervous!
Matt: Eggs and broccoli, got it. I was just going to by beer and cookies, but oh well.
Kat: Back when we were getting dog food, it was EVERY week, spoiled dog! Dave and I do have fun, and I will try to be tolerent of the soup people today!
Beer, an occasional gallon of milk and all my drugs are the only thing "I" go into Krogers for.
Bic also every once and awhile drags my ass to a Wally World.
I must say....I'm thankfull that I rarely deal with the masses of idiots that frequent these establisments.
Mick: Oh come one, it's a laugh riot! Don't be a fuddy duddy! Come up here, we'll go together! I'll try not to embarass you too much!
Beer and Cookies? I love that you know that a way to a man's heart is not only through his stomach but through his liver as well. Cheers Schmoop!!
I LOVE the comment about checking out the meat but never the produce - you're a brilliant observer of our times
How cool that you guys still make everything an adventure
...my personal favorite is counting the wheels on a big rig in roman numerals...
I can't go to the store on Thursdays because that's the day the senior center sends the van out to pick up a couple hundred old folks and take them to the store. Sure, it's fun watching them fight over the little scooters, but after that they really get annoying.
Excuse me Schmoop - you must be thinking of Kentucky. Here in WV we never marry closer than a cousin...We have principles after all.
Great post - I would love to tag along on your shopping adventures. Sounds like much fun.
Matt: Damn staight! I got your eggs, but I had to draw the line at the little green trees! Zoves!
Diane: It is so true. Feel up the meat, and the produce could be slimy for all they care! We had fun, but he was still the nice one!
Phfrankie: Ha! I did do that one, but I can only go so far! We also did it backwards!
David: Ha! I do apologize. I am from the land of crack and meth heads, I know not what I say! Come on up, we have to drink first though, you can't do this without a buzz!!
Wait...pea brained soup is a consumme?
What an adventure you have with Dave
Vin: It is an adventure, as was today! You go staight to the minestrone soup, don't ya!
The little old ladies that block the isle while reading soup labels..
Down here we call that a Mexican Road block.
Hammer: Ha! Here we call it Blue Hair Day!
I am totally un-womaned (yeah, I;m using that as a word) by your shopping experience.
The most fun I've had shopping is when my friend Sally & I went mattress shopping together. We pretended we were life partners.When we spooned on the Posturpedic it freaked the elderly salesman right out.
Michele: Classic! Come shopping with me, we could have a hoot!
Stopping in the cart in the middle of the isle friggin blows! Do they drive down the middle of the road huh do they, well maybe they are that friggin self absorbed as to think they are the only one on the PLANET. Ah that feels better thanks :)
Lu: Yes they are, and yes they do. That's why I sigh, and try not to say "get the fuck out of my way"! Well, I try anyway. Thanks!
Ha! Good one...those center aisle standers...don't even get me started...
VE I know, i try to stay away from them, but sometimes....I push em!!
Post a Comment