Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The First Day of Autumn: Colorful Leaves And Gray In The Beard

Today is the first day of autumn.

September 22nd…a day of transition and equilibrium, a day which heralds the slow decline of yet another seasonal cycle.

Much like a March snowfall melting off of the nascent bud of a crocus signals the rebirth of the landscape, the yellow, orange, and umber leaves of September portend the impending slumber of the lush and fertile earth.

Being 44, I too, am in the autumn of my years.

Who am I kidding? As I don’t truly expect to live to be 88 years old, I passed my biological equator a few years ago and in Icarus-like fashion am quickly descending towards my own, personal Tropic of Capricorn.

But, I think you know what I mean.

This past Saturday I thought about getting older…about crossing the midway point of my life, and my thoughts relate to the autumnal equinox.

Saturday afternoon I was talking to Schmoop, as I stood in the kitchen. The calendar caught my eye because I saw something printed on September 22nd.

I looked at it, and read to myself what I thought it said…

First Day of Autism.

WTF? I thought to myself. It was at that point I took off my glasses, got three inches from the calendar, and then said…

“Ohhhh, first day of AUTUMN. Well, that makes sense.” I laughed, and then was a bit annoyed.

I don’t mind getting older at all. I am much better person than I was ten years ago.

I am in much better shape than I was three or four years ago, and much like the sun shining down at zero degrees latitude, I have a sense of personal equilibrium about me.

But…

There are things about getting older that drive me nuts. My teeth for one. I wish they would simply ALL fall out so I can get a nice set of artificial chompers.

My eyes…My vision is 20/775 and on top of that, as demonstrated by my calendar incident I need bifocals.

Hell, I can’t wear my contacts to work, because the only way I would be able to check an ID is if my arms were forty feet long. With my glasses, I can take them off and check ID's…3 inches from my face.

I miss being able to party all night AND having sex. As it is now, I have to choose between the two. Too much drinkie means not much nookie, because after too much drinkie, there is no dinkie.

As George Costanza would say, “It’s like a frightened turtle.”

On the other hand, I don’t mind having very little hair on my head. It saves time getting ready.

I like the gray in my goatee too. Schmoop digs it as well, as does my new Beer Mine “girl” friend, Tiffany (any comment on that one, Pizza Bill?).

Anyhoo…I guess getting older is like fall…like autumn. This time of year is a harbinger of cold, gray, and lifeless times to come, but…

Autumn is also full of beautiful colors, festivals, and clean crisp days. Winter will come whether I fret about it or not.

I guess my best course of action is to accept the coming winter and in the meantime, enjoy the kaleidoscope of foliage, devour the culinary aroma of an Oktoberfest, and bask in the glow of a well-carved Jack-O-Lantern.

Autumn is good.

Cheers!!

31 comments:

David said...

Completely ignoring the introspective nature of your observations on the symbolism of the autumn of our years juxtaposed with the colors of the leaves...Oh, never mind.

Anyhoo do I have good news for you. For several years I had one contact that was for up close and one contact that was for distance. They call this mono-vision. I liked this so much that when I had lasik surgery, I did the same thing. 95+% of the time I don't need the glasses that make both eyes "reading" - that only applies when I'm heavy duty into a novel.

Think about it.

Cheers.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha.. Cute. Yeah I know about the contact thing. As for Lasik?

If I could afford it, I don't know that I would do it. As bad as my eyes are, with glasses or contacts they are correctable to 20/15. How can I give that up? Cheers David!!

Jeff B said...

Then again, you could get run over by a bus tomorrow and miss winter altogether.

Feeling better yet?

Candice said...

Ha!! I like Jeff. He's just a fucking ray of sunshine. ;)

Autism is my favorite time of year!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I dread autumn like Bernie Madoff dreads ‘yard time.’ Living up north the only thing that kept me from rocking in a corner with a blanket wrapped around my shaking body was football. Once I moved to Florida it was really, really all good. I don’t know, I just hate cold weather. I need sunshine, skimpy clothing and water activities to stay placated. And I’m not aging gracefully either. I’m afraid, and I admit it. I found a few gray pubes in the shower the other day and it fucked up my whole weekend. Do they make Just for Men Pubes?
If I had the money, I’d go completely artificial also. I’d get the Lasik. I’d get all my teeth pulled and get the porcelain implants. I know this; I gotta quit smoking again soon, or my golden years are going to be a sickly shade of gray.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: With any luck you'll be under it with me. Cheers Jeff!!

Candice: Yeah, he's a real peach. I dig fall as well warmish days and cool nights. Perfect drinking weather. Cheers Candice!!

Scott: I must be cold blooded, because I can adapt easily to the hot or the cold. I don't mind gray in my beard but when I see my first gray pube, I'll freak. Here's to all of us not smoking...someday, 'cause dear God I love it so. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...If this post doesn't win a Pulitzer for you I don't know what will...phfantastic wordsmithin', you old bastard...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Are you saying that I'll win one based upon the poetic description of my inability to get it up after drinking? Seriously though, thank you much P-Man. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

I love fall.. except that it matches the direction my tits are taking~ Sigh.....

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: That's not all bad news.

You see, in a couple of years, I could meet ya and while we are standng there talking to each other, my balls and your tits can get to know each other while they rest on the floor. Cheers Cheesy!!

VE said...

You know what they say
Everyday
Is another gray!

(ps...I saw my first two gray hairs in my beard stubble the other day...I guess 48 was a nice long ride though)

Matt-Man said...

VE: Ha. 48? And just now getting gray in the beard? I have enough frost in my goat to make a dozen sno-cones. Cheers to ya, VE!!

JennyMac said...

I love Fall...and I only wish I had Cheesy's problem. LOL. There's not much here to fall.

Lu' said...

Mmmm mmmm mmm today's post fo yours gave me the warm and cozies and then the giggles and grins followed by the warm and cozies again. Well done Matt-Man, thanks :)

Matt-Man said...

Jenny: Ha. Don't feel alone. I ain't got much on the man end to fall either. Thanks for the comment, and Cheers!!

Lu: Well I'm glad my friend. And you saying things like, "warm", "cozies", and giggles" made me feel just that way too. Cheers Pal!!

Jay said...

Excellent post my friend.

I'm also finding that getting older isn't all that much fun. I didn't used to have to get up and pee at 3:30 am every damn night. And the bathroom floor didn't used to be so cold. And I used to have better aim. Well, we won't get into that.

Anyway, I need to adjust to this getting older thing. You know, take better care of myself and all that shit. Otherwise, I'll never fulfill my dreams of being a dirty old man. Nobody likes a dirty middle-aged man. But, everyone thinks dirty old men are hilarious. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: One of the things I love most about you is that you have set your goals and have your priorities in order. Here's to dirty old men. And thanks. Cheers Jay!!

The Teamster said...

Fall is great for changing of colors. We don't get many down in the Valley, but up in the Sierra's the colors are magnificent. My favorite fall was a few years ago in Northern Minnesota (where my mom and dad were raised)..the maples were orange, yellow, and red.

However...It's near the end of day light savings time...and I hate the short days....

On the vision issue. I have 20/400 and take my glasses off to read as well. My face is about 6 inches from my lap top screen sitting on my steering wheel sitting at a Costco warehouse delivering. I was one day from Lazik but cancelled my surgery. The doctor informed me that I'd need reading glasses right away. I wore contacts for the week prior to surgery (remembering I can't read with my eyes corrected) and I had a week of "practice" with readers. I lost them on an average of 3 times a day. I had to put my readers on while going to the bathroom...leaving them twice on the toilet paper roll...and this was at customers making deliveries...then walking around like a goofy "old" man yelling...."anyone seen my readers?"...I just wear my glasses..

and fyi...we are having record heat in the Valley this week...100 degrees plus for the next 2-3 days..

Matt-Man said...

Teamster: "...then walking around like a goofy "old" man yelling...."anyone seen my readers?"..." Ha!! Very Funny. I'm still laughing.

When I'm working and it's incredibly hot I wear my contacts so my glasses don't slide down my nose, and if I know I won't have to read anything I wear them, other than that...

I just accept the changing of my eyesight and take the glasses off when I need to read something. I haven't much vanity left in me, and if that's the biggest problem I encounter while getting older, I am ahead of the game.

Cheers Teamster!!

Desert Rat said...

Ummm... Fall... It's my personal New Year. I actually make my "New Year's Resolutions" in the Fall - before I'm worn out in spirit from the Holidays and trying to work the miracles of the season.

Although we don't really experience the fantastic color changes of the foliage in Phoenix, the light is different and there is a new coolness in the morning: summer losing slowly its grip. The State Fair will be next month - I love the Fair! Then the Holidays.

Fall is a wonderful time for introspection, and I love your post. Each season has its own beauty, celebrations, and secret anniversaries of the heart.

Jay kills me: "Dirty middle-aged man!" Ha ha! I remember a skit on SNL about "Middle Aged Man!" I think he had super powers for calculating amortization and such.

Gray? I think it looks so dignified on men - especially right around the scrotum. ;-D

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Okay then...As soon as I get off work tonight, I am headed to Walgreen's to pick up some gray hair coloring. I hope it doesn'r burn my boys.

I love Fall too. It's full of variation. In the weather, the colors, and events. I dig that.

Each season as does each person, has its own beauty. Cheers Rat!!

Bond said...

Old fart...

I feel like I am getting younger....

I am hopeful to go into the mountains and see the foliage this year - one thing I miss about living in the South now...

Did I tell you that you are just an old fart?

It is all between your ears dude...feel young - be young...

OK, make some snide-wiseass response...I expect it from you...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Okay...I will.

When I say that I can't party AND have sex, that means that unlike being able to party for 15 hours straight and then having sex, it means that I have to party maybe six hours and then have sex...eat...recharge and then party again.

I don't feel like I am getting younger, and to think that I am, would be folly.

What I do think is that I am getting wiser, more discerning, and focus on less, while doing certain things better.

I'll take those attributes over "feeling young" anytime. Cheers Vinny!!

Bond said...

I have always been able to do things better...

and 'feeling young' means having the energy to get it up after having cocktails...

Nothing wrong with taking the learnings and also feeling young my man...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Better than whom? I don't think I can do things better than anyone. I only know that I can ansd should strive to be better than I was yesterday. My only competition is with who I was yesterday or a week ago.

And sport, I didn't say I felt old. I acknowledged that I was getting older. There's quite a difference, and in acknowledgement there is enlightenment. Cheers!!

snugs said...

Lasik is not all it is cracked up to be, it is good for about 10 yrs and then alot of people start to have problems with it. My vision fluctuates daily, so I have 3 differnt strengths of glasses to compensate. The floaters suck and if I had it to do all over again I would stick to my contacts.

Starrlight said...

Age is a state of mind. I am actually finding that 25 years of chronic pain is paying off. Everyone around me is stunned by the onset of age related aches and pains. I just shrug. Ditto the gray hair. Got my first at 25.

Sex is a non issue, I'd have to be getting any to care :P

I am actually fine and dandy with getting older all in all.

Michele said...

JR and I are like 6+(JR more the plus) older than you. Get over it. It's not that bad. So you can't have sex AND drink in the same night but since the kids have moved out we can have sex anywhere we want. Added value here is that we can now afford the Viagra to make it all worth while.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Yeah, I have hear people 'round here complain that their Lasik procedure wasn't all that great. I'll just stick to my glasses and 'tacts. Cheers Snugs!!

Starr: Hey, my body has ached for ten years and plus I have a high tolerance for it...it's no biggie. Cheers Starr!!

Michele: I am not complaining I am merely mentioning the good and the bad. As I said, "Autumn is good." Cheers Michele!!

katherine. said...

I love Autumn. It is my new years.

I am losing my eyesight as well....but the other way...I need the glasses to read.

You don't think you'll live to 88?
why not?
ahhhhhhh....cause you smoke!!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha...Why did I know that that last remark would surface? Cheers Kat!!