Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, Praise Judah!! Yeah, that’s cool.
Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs. They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.
Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…
So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.
Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude by killing his only begotten son.
Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.
As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.
They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.
Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.
This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.
For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having such acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.
Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to gross millions and ultimately take over the world. These people are only half right.
Jews are attempting to take over many industries in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.
They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house as often as they can by sending them on trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and shopping sprees in the Big Apple.
Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.
How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?
As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…
From now on, if I happen to become the target of affection from say Barbra Streisand, in addition to James Brolin becoming even more irrelevant, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa”.
Anyhoo…Where was I? Oh that’s right…Hanukkah.
To all of my Jewish friends out there, of which I have none, eat, drink, bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV and Holofernes, and all that happy Hanukkah crap.
And now, one of my favorite songs by Peter, Paul, and Mary and inspired by the plight of the Maccabees…
Happy Hanukkah and L’Chaim!!