Friday, December 11, 2009

Hanukkah 2009: Let The Jew-a-Palooza Begin!!

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, Praise Judah!! Yeah, that’s cool.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs. They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having such acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to gross millions and ultimately take over the world. These people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over many industries in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house as often as they can by sending them on trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and shopping sprees in the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

From now on, if I happen to become the target of affection from say Barbra Streisand, in addition to James Brolin becoming even more irrelevant, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa”.

Anyhoo…Where was I? Oh that’s right…Hanukkah.

To all of my Jewish friends out there, of which I have none, eat, drink, bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV and Holofernes, and all that happy Hanukkah crap.

And now, one of my favorite songs by Peter, Paul, and Mary and inspired by the plight of the Maccabees…

Happy Hanukkah and L’Chaim!!


Scott Oglesby said...

There’s something I never understood about the Jewish people, and I was hoping that you could enlighten me. If some of the Christians hate them because of the whole Jesus ‘incident’ then why do the Arabs take umbrage with them? I mean that mistrial should have pleased them greatly by bringing more honor upon the great prophet. I mean I know Mohamed was later and all, but if Jesus had been alive then there wouldn’t have been room for Mohammad to shine. You cannot have TWO heavyweight champions of the world.

And I think you’re wrong about Jewish women. Henry Hill married a Jew and he turned out alright. Well maybe not, but she didn't want him to turn into the ratfuck he did!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I have written about that before. The Muslims and Jews probably have more in common than Jews and Christians.

Neither the Muslims or Jews believe that Jeebus was the Son of God and neither will eat bacon. BACON!! Not eating bacon is a powerful bond.

As for Hill, he finally saw the light and divorced her, but I guess that's better than having her whacked. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

I learned so much this morning!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. I like to laugh but it is very important to me to be accurate. For instance, a Jewish deli first invented the sandwich that made McDonald's famous. It was called the, Big Maccabee. Cheers Doc!!

Anonymous said...

I think the whole "shiksa" think is due to the fact that in Judaism the "Jewishness" is passed on through the mother, not the father, so if a man were to have kids with a non-Jewish woman the kids aren't as Jewish as they should be. Or something like that. I got my facts from reading about why Ivanka Trump had to convert to marry her Jewish bf. So it must be true.

And I don't get the whole bacon thing either. They don't know what they are missing!

Phfrankie Bondo said... me corny, but I dig me some PPM...

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I am glad that you came by to clear that up. I understand now, well as I can. And yeah the bacon thing? WTF? Bacon is God's gift to humanity. Why would someone deny that? Cheers D!!

Phfrankie: I loooove PP&M. Saw them in concert (Sorry Schmoop)as a matter of fact. And....I am getting ready to put their Christmas CD in as we speak. Cheers P-Man!!

Four Dinners said...

Oi vey!...or whatever....;-)

I am considering changes faiths on a regular basis. It has just dawned on me that I could get extra holidays and presents by doing that.

When my spell of being muslim comes around I may even get the rocket launcher I've always wanted...;-)

Matt-Man said...

Four: Good for you to being open to different religions. Go out now and buy a fez for your head because I believe next Friday is the Muslim New Year. Cheers FD!!

Dianne said...

My Nana would have loved ya Matty, after she smacked you around a bit

I love the term 'Dicksa' !!!

I hope Chanukah Claus slides down your chimney tonight and leaves lots of goodies

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: And I would have loved her for smacking me around. Ooooo Baby!!

Thanks, and have a wunnerful day. Cheers Sexy!!

Desert Rat said...

It's all about microbes and hygiene. I love me some bacon but trichinosis, not so much.

If you think about it, it's so much easier to tell someone that eating a swine is a sin than to try and explain the life-cycle of Trichinella spiralis.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: True and Ha. Trichinella spiralis has ALWAYS been one of my favorite things to say, although undercooked pork is not one of my fave things. Cheers Rat!!

David said...

I am sitting down right now (well, as soon as I push the send button...wait where is that?) with pen and paper to write a letter to the President recommending Matt-Man as the new negotiator for the middle east peace process.

I've been in the role of a Dicksa and I approve the term.

Jay said...

I just don't think I could imagine a life without bacon. It just doesn't seem right.

Chag Chanuka Sameach Matt-Man. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

David: I could have the process over with in mere minutes. It might not be a peaceful end but over with nonetheless. Thanks Dicksa and Cheers!!

Jay: It would be Hell on Earth, and looking at some Jewish and Muslim Arab settlements my thoughts are confirmed. Thanks and Cheers Jay!!

Lu' said...

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs. ah ha ha ha!
Dicksa once again we are on the same page.

I thought you were going to say they were making all their money so they could relocate; from Isreal.

Seriously I think jews get a bad rap.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Jews have sadly been a target of hate for years. And nowadays, it's a shame that the thuggery of the Israeli government does nothing to enhance the ill-gotten reputation of the everyday, peace-loving Jewish person. Cheers Lu!!

Michele said...

Ahhhh....As a born again agnostic Buddhist I'm not sure how to respond.

On a totally different note, I found something you might find interesting.

Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame
That Jesus isn't as dumb as he looks in the beard. Haha, go Cougs!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. I'll check it out. Thanks. Cheers Michele!!