Wednesday, January 20, 2010

1,400 Posts Later, The Bagwine Is Still Flowing

Today marks my 1,400th installment on Bagwine Ruminations. I thought it was a good time to revisit something that I had done long ago but do little of now.

It is a theme that I call, Ask the Bag Man, where “people” ask me questions about Wild Irish Rose.

The questions and answers that appear below were first published in 2006 when Bagwine Ruminations was but a couple of months old and had maybe six readers a day.

After nearly four years and 1,400 posts, I thought I should revisit the impetus and attitude for this website…that being my affection and knowledge about Bagwine in general and Wild Irish Rose in particular.

Enjoy…


Dear Matt-Man:

My name is Horton and I am seven years old. My dad was drunk on Wild Irish Rose and accidentally put our cat into the dryer while doing laundry…little Pussy-Boots died.


He said that if I tell Mommy that I did it, Santa Claus will bring me everything I want this Christmas. Should I lie for my dad and wait for Santa to reward me, or should I tell the truth?

A Frustrated First Grader in Beavercreek

Dear Frustrated:

Your father was probably not drunk. I am sure that he was simply trying to find the reality that only Rose can offer. You, on the other hand need some reality from the Matt-Man. First of all, Horton is a stupid name, as is Pussy-Boots, so I am glad your cat is dead.


Secondly, there is no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad are the ones who buy the Christmas presents for you in order to keep your spoiled, selfish ass quiet. That being said, lie for your dad and take the payola.

Oh, one other slice of reality for you, I’m sleeping with your mommy. Now, you’ve learned your lesson: “Reality goes better with Rose”.


Dear Matt-Man:

I’ve heard good things about Wild Irish Rose and would like to try it. Is there a “lite” or “low-calorie” version of Rose that we women who are watching our figures could purchase?

Craving a Lo-Cal Buzz

Dear Craving:

At this time there is no low calorie Rose available, and I am not sure that there should be one. I think to alter the natural goodness of this well balanced bouquet would be a travesty. Don’t fret, however. If you are new to Rose or drink enough of it, you won’t be able to keep anything down anyway.



Dear Matt-Man,

I had to buy my Wild Irish Rose at the Kroger grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?

Bagged in Springfield

Dear Bagged,

This is a very good question as most Wild Irish Rose is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Bert and Ethel’s Corner Market next to the abandoned Jarts factory.


The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine…use paper.



Dear Matt-Man,

I am a novice Wild Irish Rose drinker. I am not certain which flavor of Rose goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?

Culinary Chaos in Dayton

Dear Chaos,

The great thing about WIR is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Red when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or Loosemeat Sandwiches. The White goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complementing fried SPAM.

If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and the Wild Fruit with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.



Dear Matt-Man:

I was trying to find reality through a bottle of Rose the other day and accidentally killed our cat by putting him in the dryer. I offered a bribe to my seven year old son to take the heat for me.


I told him Santa would be very generous this year. Was this wrong? Also, my wife came home the other night and she smelled like Wild Irish Rose. She doesn’t drink the stuff. Do you think she’s cheating on me?

Bewildered in Beavercreek

Dear Bewildered:

Of course you did the right thing. Kids, like pets, are there for adults to place blame upon, and yes, unlike with animals, a nice incentive seals the deal. As for whether your wife is cheating on you, I doubt it.


Perhaps she hides her love for WIR because she is a woman. One thing for certain, never pose this question to your lovely young son. It could cause emotional scars.

Here's to 1,400 posts and here's to 1,400 more. Have a great Hump Day all, and thanks for reading and partaking of the Bagwine.

Cheers!!

32 comments:

Lu' said...

Speaking of paper or plastic, are you bagged in that photo?

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Which One? I'm probably bagged in all of them. Cheers Lu!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Wow, that's a lot of posts! And to be honest, I had never heard of Wild Irish Rose until I read your blog. Is it really that good? The bottle is reminiscent of Mad Dog 20/20 to me.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. Wild Irish Rose is good but it's an acquired taste. Some say that one needs a tongue made of asbestos in order to drink it.

MD 20/20 is like a lightweight fighting a heavyweight compared to Rose. Typically MD is 13% while Rose is 18%. TKO, Baby!!

If you want more info get a hold of Dana who comments here. She made a video of herself drinking the bottle of WIR that I sent her. Cheers D!!

Michele said...

I'm such a Pussy-Boots because I've never had WIR. I have made time with Boonesfarm in my misspent youth though.

Congrats on 1400 posts.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Oh C'mon, Michele...You don't do meat, feed your wild side with some Wild Irish Rose. Boones Farm is fruit juice. Cheers Michele!!

P.S. Tell J.R. that WIR goes great with steak.

Scott Oglesby said...

Congrats on the landmark post buddy! That's a whole lot of scribing. Play the number 1400 stright and boxed tonight and give me a little cut for the advise.?..

I thought I'd give you a chance to use your fictional talents and answer me this: Who was Rose? Not the wine, or the song, but the woman. Such a woman surely existed..... Oh, and have you seen that fucker Mad Dog? He still owes me 5 hours of my life back!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Congratulations on post #1400! Of course, I had to check and note that I'm not far behind you with 1393!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Actually Rose was a chick immortalized in the song, "Darling Corey". Pete Seeger does an excellent version. The name Rosie was changed to Corey to protect her identity from the IRS:

Wake up, wake up, darlin' Corey.
What makes you sleep so sound?
When them reveenooers are comin'
For to tear your still house down.

Well the first time I seen darlin' Corey
She was settin' by the side of the sea,
With a forty-four strapped across her bosom
And a banjo on her knee.

As for Mad Dog? He's a rabid Jewish SOB who has been pissed off his entire life because his circumcision was botched. He began making Wild Grape and Banana Red MD so people who drank it would understand his pain.

Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

NIck: I always knew you and I were inter-connected. We are both a couple of prolific, internet philosophers. Here's to ya, Nick. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Dear Matt-Man:

My boomerang won't come back. Should I drink some WIR and just forget about it?

Signed,

Worried in Walla Walla

Doc said...

Dear Matt Man,

What is a more appropriate snack with the WIR Fritos or Fun-yuns?

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Yes. Drink copious amounts of Rose. That way if your boomerang still does not come back it will, when you wake up, feel like it did, and hit you on the head. Cheers P-Man!!

Doc: Holy Cow. That's a tough one. I do so love both of those salt laden snack foods. Let me tell ya, Doc...

Because I dig ya...I am going to experiment with both of those while drinking WIR over the next three days, and report back. Cheers Doc!!

Doc said...

I will be breathlessly awaiting the scientific results... Oh yeah and congrats on the big # of bloggy postings too!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Thanks...Now, get rid of some of those damn coats. Cheers Doc!!

Joker_SATX said...

Congrats on your 1400. This is awesome!

Jay said...

1400 posts? Sheesh. Get a life dude. haha

I would comment more, but I gotta go and become best friends with this Michelle chick. Mostly because she called herself "Pussy Boots." Anyone who uses that phrase is gonna be awesome!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Why thank ya Joker. I guess it's a big milestone if one is a geek like me. Cheers Joker!!

Jay: Ha. Michele is the bomb. She is also the hottest vegetarian librarian in the country. Cheers Jay!!

Dianne said...

Happy 1400 matty!
1400 is a cool number
it's all even and shit and it flows off the tongue - much like WIR

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Thanks...WIR doesn't flow off the tongue; it eats it away. Cheers Sexy!!

Micky-T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Micky-T said...

Dear Matt,

When I Run

With Icy Rose

Will I Return

With Ill Rectum?

Matt-Man said...

Mick: It doesn't have to be icy. Falling down after drinking WIR happens and yeah...sometimes the result is a one in a million shot, one in a million.

Be careful Mick, and Cheers!!

Bond said...

Wait..this stuff actually exists???

I thought it was a fragment of my regurgitation

Does the 1400 include reruns?

Will I get the runs from drinking that stuff?

What is the square root of 4948676947856769?

OK....BELCH...I am ready for more

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I can answer all of that with one word:

Yes.

Cheers!!

Bond said...

The square root is yes?

Put DOWN the bottle dude...

Dana said...

Do you ever shut up??

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Yes it has one. Cheers!!

Dana: No I don't. But unlike many people I have something to say. Cheers Dana!!

Bond said...

I asked what is it not if it had one...

Four Dinners said...

1400?

Christ!!!

...and I thought I was an old fart!!!...;-)

David said...

Congrats on the milestone...now, I'm going to need to google this.

>>>the abandoned Jarts factory.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I know Vinny. I know. Cheers!!

Four: Ha. I was just thinking about you. Most of it infantile. Hope things are well with ya. Cheers FD!!

David: Hee Hee. Don't ya miss Jarts? I do. Safety wonks have eradicated them. Cheers David!!