Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I Hunger For You

Every nook and cranny of her supple shape
Warms to the electric heat.
Her flexible body stiffens
Basking in the glow and the slow burn

She ejects herself into my waiting hands
I feel her soothing comfort in my sweaty palms.
I bathe her entire being with my creamy spread
I pull her towards my aching mouth.

I eat her. I smile. I crave more.

Dear God…I love toast.


©2010 Matt-Man

I do love it so. Warm, heavily buttered toast is one of the most beautiful and tasty things on Earth.

Of course, in a little less than a month, with the beginning of Lent, I will be giving up all bread products so it will be one of the things off limits for me until Easter.

And, I was worrying about pizza cravings during my 46 day trek through the wheat-less wilderness.

Pizza pales in comparison to the comfort of warm toast, dripping in cream cheese, peanut butter, or of course…Butter!!

My heart aches just thinking about not having toast for some six weeks, but my soul and belief in the Holy Soon-to-be-Nailed-to-a-Cross Jeebus will be what separates me and my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s chastising.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I will eat as much toast as I can between now and February 17th in order to allay my bread detox. Knowing this, Schmoop went to the store in order to get a big tub of butter.

Typically we keep a small one on hand but she went all out and purchased a big tub of butter. Well, we think it’s butter…You see, Schmoop bought this…

That’s right she bought a big tub of, “Spread”.

It might be butter. It might not be. All Schmoop knew was that it was big and the name on the tub made her laugh out loud in the store.

Ha. And she calls me, my co-workers, and many of you a bunch of 12 year olds.

Who’s the twelve year old now, Mizz Thang? Uh-huh.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

David said...

>>>Her flexible body stiffens

OMG it is not just her flexible body having a stiffening experience.

On a different note, as much as I'm sure we all love Schmoop for all her wonderful qualities and "skills"....anyone who tricks a butter lover into something called "spread"...well that's just not right. If it's not butter, it's just not acceptable. Life is too short to drink bad wine or eat "spread"...from a tub.

Schmoop...you break my heart.

Matt-Man said...

David: Au Contraire. The spread demonstrates yet another of her skills. Such as making a tight food budget go as far as it possibly can. We can always have real butter on the incredibly rare occassion that we go out to eat.

Making things work in life using what one has is uber-sexy. Cheers David!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

We are on a tight budget, too, with me staying home and all, but I absolutely must have REAL butter. I'm sort of a food snob about it. It's actually not that expensive at Walmart. I buy the store brand salted sweet cream butter sticks. (I use Blue Bonnet margarine sticks for generic cooking though, like when you add butter/margarine to mac and cheese, etc.) But for stuff where taste counts, butter rules. Of course, I am not really eating butter lately, but before the diet I LOVED toast with butter and cinnamon sugar. YUM. I ate it every day, which is probably why I needed to go on my diet, lol.

Candice said...

Mmmm, I love CINNAMON toast! I used to eat a half a loaf of that at a time. That was back when my metabolism could handle it of course.

boo said...

There was a period of time, not so long ago, where I swear I subsisted solely on a diet of buttered toast and blueberries. Heavenly.

However, being faced with the very real possibility of being a celiac, I've had to cut the wheat products out of my diet. You'd be amazed at all the places that damn grain is hiding! I've had to start eating gluten-free breads, when I bother with bread.

I've found that for the most part they simply cannot match the texture of a wheat bread, but there are many that are actually really tasty. Every once in awhile, I absolutely must have a buttered toast fix. Seeing as the cost of gluten free bread is astronomically high when compared the grocery store bargain brand of sammich slices, it's a treat I've found I can't indulge in very often. Just often enough to keep me sane.

Mmmmmm..... Schmoop and Matty.... er... I mean toast.

Scott Oglesby said...

Wow, I think I have a position for you on my new ‘niche romance novel’ staff. Can you do what you just did with ‘toast’ but just add some leather, handcuffs and/or golden showers.

I’m not trying to be your nanny or anything here but…..40% vegetable oil? Dude, I hope that’s the last tub of that you consume. Butter or margarine will be a lot better for you. I heard about that 26 year old Bear lineman, and started realizing how long I’ve smoked, how much hamburger, eggs and mayo I’ve eaten in my life. We gotsta start being careful. We have much money to make together, after all!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Butter, margarine, or whatever...It's all the same to me prtty much. I'm not tied to one or the other. And yeah, toast with butter, cinanmon, and sugar is incredible. Cheers D!!

Candice: I like it too, and Schmoop and a brother of mine were freaks about it like you were. Cheers Candice!!

Boo: I hear ya. And it would be tough to be gluten-free. That's why I am giving up bread and nbot wheat during Lent. It would be too hard for me to do. But I shall miss toast.

Mmmmmmmm...Schmoop, Boo, and Me...er...I mean toast. Cheers Boo!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I really don't consume a ton of butter or in this case 40% Vegetable "Spread". I use it mainly to cook with. That being said, I do put away the hamburger and smoke, so...

I would love to make alot of money with you and if it takes me writing about golden showers and toast...or anal sex and fondue, so be it. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...you could just get a jar of petroleum jelly, melt a yellow crayon in it, and call it butter...

Micky-T said...

LMAO Mr Bondo!

Micky-T said...

Matt-Scott-Bondo.......now that would be a hell of a group of wordsmiths.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Not a bad idea. That means I would only have to open one jar to make a PB & J Sandwich. Petroleum Butter Jelly. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky: Ha. That may be true but if you mixed us together would anyone understand the end result? Cheers Mix!!

Doc said...

Damn you make toast hot!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. It's a gift. Cheers Doc!!

Bond said...

Glad Bondo said it...cause that ain't even in the same food group as butter...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: You're not in the same genus group as humans. Cheers Vin!!

Jay said...

Toast is some sexy stuff man! So is "Spread" And I don't see a problem with it being 40% vegetable oil. Vegetables are good for us, right?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Damn right they are. Better living through Vegetable Oil. Cheers Jay!!

Lu' said...

ha ha ha made her laugh out loud at the store Priceless.


Hello it is not butter only butter is butter and there is nothing like butter but butter Especially on toast. Oh I eat the fake stuff too but I am a butter snob too.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: It made her laugh because she is such a whore. Cheers Lu!!

Bond said...

So that is where we are going now..huh?

Dana said...

Peanut butter *OR* butter? No! That should be peanut butter *AND* butter!!

Four Dinners said...

I make a mean Welsh Rarebit!