Saturday, January 30, 2010

Burgers, Schmoop, and Ass Chap

Another fun-filled weekend for the Matt-Man. So fun in fact that the Matt-Man is compelled to talk in that pretentious third person type of way that makes the Matt-Man more annoying than usual.

Yes indeed. Matt-Man will be working all weekend. Saturday 11-9 and tomorrow from 11-7. Don’t worry ‘bout Matt, Pizza Bill…

You simply enjoy spending time with your family in your nice warm home while Matt-Man freezes his nuts off doling out beer to the idiots of Bagwine, Ohio our loyal customers.
The Matt-Man hopes that you get winter ass chap, sport.

Oy Vay…Okay I think the Matt-Man is done with the third person talk. The Matt-Man apologizes.

As I was off yesterday I asked the uber-sexy, soon-to-be-ragging Schmoop what she would like me to cook for din-din.

She had only one request. She said to me…

“Would you just make something normal for once? No Hot Dog Helper…no Cheesy Noodle Loaf…no other “wacky” creation that your twisted mind has come up with.”

She went on to say…

“We have hamburger. Why don’t you just make hamburgers. You know, real hamburgers. You pat them and mold them into round patties and the cook them…with cheese on top. Oh dear God. Can ya just do that for once!?”

After licking the wounds that had been suffered by my culinary ego, I acquiesced. I made hamburgers…plain, ordinary hamburgers, with one exception…

I shaped them like this…


Damn right. In spite of her outburst and attack on my culinary creations, I expressed my love by shaping the burgers into hearts.

Not only did I find this to be a nice gesture, I found it amusingly ironic that we would be eating burgers shaped in the very organ that would be getting clogged up by the fat contained in said burgers.

Maybe I’ll open up a restaurant that specializes in “Ironic Food”. Oh yeah, Bitches. This has possibilities written all over the bill of fare.

I will be working this idea up in my brain as I freeze my nuts off at work all weekend. And Pizza Bill..?

If you want a job at my new restaurant…your chapped ass is going to be working weekends.

Cheers!!

22 comments:

Micky-T said...

I heard as clear as a bell the voice of Schmoop as she said that to you, a slow, sing songy sweet voice pleading with every breath.

Loved it!

Jay said...

Sometimes we all just need normal food. Good call on that one Schmoop.

But, the heart shaped burgers was a brilliant idea dude. As is your restaurant. You could serve burritos there too cause they resemble the part of the body they'll be racing through in a couple of hours. Hell, when you bite into one end and all the filling squirts out the other end is a great metaphor for what will be happening also.

Just thought I'd give you a nice visual this morning before work. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. You described her voice perfectly. That is exactly how it came out. Cheers Mick!!

Jay: I like the visual; there may be Taco Bell in my post-work future tonight.

Hey...You can be my maitre'd. I'll pay you well, and you can extort as much money as you want from people when seating them at the "prime tables". Cheers Jay!!

Doc said...

I though that Schmoop loved your 'hot dog suprise' Matt-Man?

Matt-Man said...

Doc: She did Doc. She loves my Cheesy Noodle Loaf and my Hamburger Stuffing as well. I think however, last night her biggest craving was some normalcy. She doesn't get alot of that around here. Cheers Doc!!

Ena said...

Ah, how cute, dangit! heart-shaped burgers!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Cute. My mom makes my stepdad a heart shaped meatloaf every Valentine's day. It's his favorite.

David said...

Heartburgers - how sweet.

I'm glad to know that the title was not what happened to you in chronological order.

Can I make a reservation for opening night in your restaurant? I'm sure it will be festive.

bobbybegood1 said...

Something has got to be said about people who get on the computer the first thing in the morning. Before ya brush yo teeth, pee or take a dump, say hi to roommates, etc.

Hey I'm a fantastic cook. Opening a resturant -- great idea! Thought the same. But, um, Matt you'd be working for me -- not the other way around, son. Have a great day!!

Michele said...

It's so sweet how you indulge Schmoop. What will you do for Valentin's day?

And, Jay, My EYES!!!!! The Burn!!!!

Scott Oglesby said...

That’s beautiful Matt-Man, love the idea. I’m sure that she’ll be really, really appreciate too….like I was alluding to the other day.

I love that picture of Schmoop too…………….sexy!

Dianne said...

there is no end to the romance in your soul Matty

Clay Perry said...

LOLOLOLOLOL.. i love the burgers... (and schmoop)

Jeff B said...

I never thought I'd say this on your site, but that's pretty cute.

Matt-Man said...

Ena: I am selfless. I'm like Ganhdi. Cheers Rat!!

Lady: Ha. That's funny. I was just thinking about making that my next heart meal. Cheers D!!

David: Ha. That would have been funny if the title played out like that. You'll always have a table. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I'm not sure what I will do for V-Day. I may finally break down and get the inflatable bondage chair I have been eyeing for a couple of years. Cheers Michele!!

Scott: Thanks and yeah...I like that picture. Cheers to ya, Scott!!

Dianne: Just call me Mattsanova. Cheers Sexy!!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Sorry to skip ya there. I guess it was a sub-conscious reaction to you saying that I would be your subordinate...of course, that might not be a bad thing. Cheers BBG!!

Clay: Ha. Some of them are more heart-shaped than others. And your love for Schmoop is quite evident...watch it mister. Cheers Clay!!

Jeff: Ha. That killed you didn't it? I bet your tongue swelled up and blood shot from your eyes. Cheers Funny Man!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Heart shaped pizzas are good, too.

Simstone said...

Don't feel guilty 'bout eating the burgers if you'll chase each bite with a shot of whiskey.

It'll help keep the arteries wide open during the digestive process.

Seriously ... the local doc down at the tavern wouldn't lie to me about something like that.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Oh yeah. We have a place here in town called Cassano's that makes a great heart-shaped pizza. We dig their pizza. Cheers D!!

Simstone: Ha. I would never doubt a doctor that hangs out at the local tavern. Thanks for the comment and for stopping by. Cheers Sim!!

Dice Mardell said...

three cheers to "normal, everyday, ordinary" meals" like meatloaf.
speaking of which, it's been a while...
But ♥-shaped burgers? BRILLIANT.
I'll have to remember that one.

Thanks M2 for, well, everything!

If I ever find myself in OH again(I did drive through there twice)
I know now who I want to visit for a good laugh and a meal.

Matt-Man said...

Dice: For you? The door is always open and the stove is always on. Cheers Dice!!