Friday, January 15, 2010

I Haiti Earthquakes, But I'm Here To Rock Your World

Hiya kids…

I am so burnt out…I was thinking that I need something with which to put a flame into my brain.

See? That’s rhymes…well, almost.

Anyhoo…

I am off all day today and I’ll be doing Schmoop’s taxes and possibly doing David’s as well, so I’ll be in front of the computer all fricking day.

So…

Today, I am opening up the blog lines in hopes of educating all of you folks as to what constitutes good Bagwine and Good Sex.

As far as today goes, consider me your free “Life Coach”.

I understand that Life Coaches are expensive, so I am once again giving of myself and helping the masses out.

Consider me the Haitian Relief Fund for your soul and your being, so aftershock me with some good questions.

I promise not to let you down…of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So, let me have your questions and/or abuse...


Cheers!!

38 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

Here's one: Need a recommendation for a tasty wine that is not expensive but not Boone's Hill either. I like sweet stuff. I'm new to wine (the kinds I'd always tried were bitter and icky IMO) but I found I like moscato and although it's not really wine, I LOVE champagne (well not REAL, but the American stuff). What do your wino customers like?

Desert Rat said...

Do you decant WIR?

Desert Rat said...

Oh, and what sort of cheese would best accompany the aforementioned. Does WIR have a vintage?

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Arbor Mist (Blackberry is the best) is sweet and only 6% alcohol so you won't be spreading your legs later...however, if that's what you want, get two bottles. It's very inexpensive.

And my friend, you are a woman after my own heart...I Looooove Champagne. Domestic or otherwise. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha...Decant WIR? Hell no, with Wild Rose, one de-bugs it. The cheese that would go best would be Bleu. It's the only cheese that can match the power, er... I mean beauty of WIR. Cheers Rat!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I know! Champagne is sooooo goood. Thanks for the suggestion, I always feel overwhelmed and dumb when perusing the wine department. I'll try that kind next time.

And I think I just might buy 2 bottles ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha...People do seem to like that stuff. It's too sweet for me, but it sells, as does the Strawberry flavor. Let me know if the two bottles worked out for ya. Of course do that in a private e-mail. Cheers D, and here's to Champagne!!

boo said...

Whatever happened to Saturday night?
Does Elmo get purple balls?
Why I find John Leguizamo so hot in Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything?

Do you find that being so incredibly sexy, witty, debonair, and insightful makes you feel more pressure to be a role model to all of panting and fawning devotees?

boo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt-Man said...

Boo: You always have to be so damn difficult...But I can answer all of you questions with one word...yes? Cheers Boo!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I only have a few questions.

Have you ever considered a career shift to H & R block during tax season and as a sommelier to one of the fine dining establishments in Bagwine in the evenings?. BTW- The latter job pays a lot better than the former. My wife is an accountant and although she does love numbers, she doesn’t enjoy the job and got out as soon as other opportunities presented themselves.

Lastly, I may have missed one or two, but I can’t remember any forays into fictional writing for you. I’d love to see what you would come up with. You can have my Gods if you want them. I think I’m through with them. You were right; it was to hard/long (I said hard and long…) of a storyline for a blog.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I don't know if I have done any "pure" fiction on here. I think pretty much everything in the fiction realm that I have done is based on real people and bits of history. Now you've made me want to go back through my posts and look into that.

Keep your Gods, just write about them in a different venue. I'm sure it will be funny. Cheers Scott!!

Micky-T said...

Looks like Schmoop is...
MAKING THINGS UP.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: More like "waking things up". Cheers Mick!!

Doc said...

I could use a life-coach but I would prefer HER to be about 5'6" 38-28-36 redheadded and owning a liquor store and a Ferari dealership... If we are dreaming dream big right?

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Now that's just hurtful that I don't measure up, but you did come close to getting Schmoop's measurements correct, although she is a little bigger on top and not as big below as your dimensions indicate. Cheers Doc!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Question:

Jane has nine moose. Two moose are males. Three moose are females. One moose smokes pot all day. How many moose live in Wilmington, Delaware?...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Nice try P-Man, but that's a trick question. Informed minds know that moose don't smoke pot; they're all meth heads. Cheers P-Man!!

Schmoop said...

What are you wearing???

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: My black dress pants, the ND shirt that Dana sent me, and my gray boxer briefs...sex tonight? Cheers Bay-by!!

Lu' said...

Why do the tips of my fingers split in the winter causing me significant pain?

Why do hard boiled eggs smell like farts?

Why isn't porn available on regular cable tv?

If sour cream is sold as a viable food product why can't sour milk also find a market?

Matt-Man said...

Lu: 1. Because the lack of humidity causes dryness and the cells become more um...cut-able.

2. Because they came out of a place near a chicken's ass.

3. Because regular people with regular TVs are too regular to appreciate the cinematic beauty of a midget coated in flour humping a chick with big tits.

4. I think the bigger question is, "Can Sour Cream go bad?"

I hope that these answers helped you. Cheers Lu!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I'm waiting for an answer. Do I need to take a vitamin or not? I'm making Hamburger Helllllperrrrrr. Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Take two vitamens, and I'll try to get out of here early!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Woo Hoo!! Consider it done. Cheers and Zooooooves!!

Jay said...

Okay, Woody Allen vs Mike Tyson in a regulation boxing match. Only Tyson has to wear stilettos and can only use his left hand and Woody gets to wear a flack jacket and football helmet use a baseball bat.

Who ya got?

Dianne said...

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hee Hee. I take Woody in a minute, and here's why...

After Tyson bites woody's ear off, Woody gets mad and begins to pontificate and soloiliquize in the staccato, off the wall, pretentious way that Woody can.

He uses big words and obscure references. You know...like Dennis Miller, only likeable.

After Tyson's head is done spinning on it's own. Woody hits Tyson over the head with his daughter/lover who he surreptitously brought to the fray.

Match over. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Not personally, but when I go there, I simply follow Dionne Warwick. The bitch got map skillz. Cheers Di!!

Dianne said...

Do you think Bill Bailey EVER went back home?

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Hell No...

You remember that rainy evenin'
I throwed you out, with nothin but a fine tooth comb


I don't care what this chick looks like, but doing that to a guy is just plain wrong.

On top of that Bill lives next door to me, and is quite happy living with a 22 year old Honduran chick who speaks no English and gives great blow jobs. He's gone for good.

Cheers Di!!

Bond said...

Do you --- do you ---feel like I do?

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Dear God I hope not. Cheers Vinny!!

Four Dinners said...

1) Why is there so much vodka and so little time?

2) Why am I not extremely rich?

3) Can I borrow a few dollars as I'm not extremely rich?

Matt-Man said...

Four:

1...Becuase in God's plan he made the human liver only able to handle so much so the Vodka could be enjoyed by everyone.

2...Because you're an asshole. And I mean that in the best sense of the word. Kinda like when I'm talking about myself.

3...When I get rich I'll send some money and vodka you're way.

Cheers FD!!

Bond said...

no peter frampton retort?

disappointed

Mr. Micky-T said...

Why do they call it pie?

Why does asparagus make your pee smell......different?

Why do people ask why?

Matt-Man said...

Bond: As Frampton is now an Ohioan, I never bring him into the mix. Cheers Vin!!

Micky: a) because it's tasty

b) I've heard that chicks dig asparagus residue when giving a blow job

c) Because

Cheers Mick!!