I'm With Stupid: Go Forth and Multiply

“When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for I’m With Stupid to dissolve the singularity which has relegated its hosts to merely one show a week on Blog Talk Radio and to assume among the powers of the earth, to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, and implore of them to do TWO shows a week.”

---Thomas Jefferson from his pamphlet…Declarations, Divinations, and Prophecies of a Mocha-Cheena Lover

That’s right folks…

As Thomas Jefferson so accurately predicted some 235 years ago, Jayman and I are going to ride our tsunami of internet radio popularity to its crest, and begin doing TWO shows a week!!

You see…This past Saturday’s Kentucky Derby/Mother’s Day Show has been the 11th highest rated Blog Talk Radio show of the week in the comedy category. And let me tell ya…

Not out of a mere handful of shows, but out of 1,592. Hell, we even had technical difficulties…just think if things had gone off without a hitch!! Oh my Lordy!!

Anyhoo…

In addition to our Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT I’m With Stupid show, Jayman and I will now be bringing the stupid every Monday morning at 11 AM EDT.

The Monday shows will be a little less scripted and more fly by the seats of our pants than the Saturday shows, as Jay and I tackle the topics that are percolating to the top of the news headlines and brewing in the bowels of American culture.

It’ll be kinda like a cross between FOX and Friends and Entertainment Tonight, but with a dash of relevance, an assumption that our typical audience member has an IQ above 85, and co-hosts who are not spoon-fed morons.

So there you have it folks, two times the stupid…two times the fun…two times a week.

I’ll probably be pimpin’ our shows out through this coming Monday on Bagwine Ruminations so don’t hate me, but I’ll try to also throw in some of that wacky humor that you are so desperately looking for accustomed to on here.

Workin’ most of the day today so I shall see you later my friends, and remember, you can access our I’m With Stupid BTR radio page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Protests Over Mosque at Ground Zero

Big protest in downtown NYC yesterday over the proposed building of an Islamic Community Center/Mosque.

It's was good to see so many Americans spending the Lord's day spewing religious bigotry, fear, and hate.

I had to laugh this morning while watching Fox and Friends.

Steve "I'll Say Whatever You Want Me to Say Mr. Ailes" Doocy shrieked...

"They have already been praying in that building for a year!!"

Praying!!? Oh the Horror!!!

I'm working 9:30 A.M. til' 9:15 P.M. both today and tomorrow, so I'll catch ya when I catch ya.

Until then...

Be nice to one and other and may your God go with you...no matter which God that may be.

Cheers!!

Dick Armey Drunk on FOX News

I just watched an interview of former House Leader and Tea Party front man Dick Armey on FOX and Friends.

He was stammering and slurring as he attempted to answer questions given by Gretchen "Vacuous" Carlson and Brian "Deer in the Headlights" Kilmeade.

Am I the only one who noticed his apparent intoxication? Please tell me I am not. I think the dude was drunk. And I'm not being figurative...

He seemed blottoed to me.

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Naked!!

It’s Saturday Bitches, so let’s party!!

Well…you guys can party. I will be spending my entire day and evening supplying folks like you with smokes and beer.

I must man the Beer Mine from 11-9 today. Poor ol’ Matt-Man. Beer and Bagwine everywhere and not a drop to drink.

I did party yesterday, and had a few beers with Schmoop’s brother, David. I also did his city taxes while half shit faced. I’m pretty sure I filled them out correctly.

At least the temps will be in the 40’s. The way it’s been here since the first of the year, it’s going to feel like it’s summer.

Of course, with the warmer weather, every freak in town will be coming through the Beer Mine. I’ll be sure to have my camera on hand just in case that’s the um…case.

I was watching Fox and Friends this morning. I was really disappointed. Alisyn Camerota appeared to have been out shagging all night.

She looked worn out and her hair was not its usual gorgeousness. I can’t believe she’d get her freak on sans Matt-Man.

Her thighs, as always, still looked incredibly tongue-licious, so that gave me a little bit of morning wood.

And hey, what more can a guy ask for when so many Haitians are dead or wondering where their next coup will come from?

Matt-Man…Always thinking of others.

Anyhoo…I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday, and perhaps tonight when I get home I’ll pound some beer, get drunk, and go on Twitter and Facebook for a couple of hours.

I never use either of those things, but tonight could be the night. Maybe Alisyn will be on Twitter and I can finally make my move.

We’ll see, and I shall see you all tomorrow. Well, for a little bit. I have to work the Beer Mine 11-7 tomorrow as well.

Jeebus Christ, if it wasn’t for me, this town would sober up.

Cheers!!

Sarah Palin Signs With FOX News...Roger Ailes Is My Hero!!

Wow kids…There was big news on Monday.

The Harry Reid, negro dialect comment fallout? Not at all, bitches and ho’s.

Mark McGwire admitting that he was using steroids when he broke the home run record? Swing and a miss batter; that’s no surprise.

Simon Cowell announcing that he will be leaving American Idol? This judge says no.

No my friends, the big news on Monday was that former Alaska Governor Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin was inked by FOX News to a multi-year deal where she will work as a contributor and provide among other things, political commentary.

Political commentary? From Sarah Palin? Holy Cow!!

My funny bone has a hard-on right now thinking about the amount of jocularity that Palin will produce while weighing in with and alongside Senators, Generals, foreign leaders and the like. Oh Baby!!

Say what you want about FOX News President Roger Ailes, the man is a fucking comedic genius. He knows how to take stupid and turn it into ratings as hilarity ensues.

Tune into Fox and Friends in the morning and gaze upon Steve “Sure Thing, Mr Ailes” Doocy, Gretchen “I Graduated From Stanford, But They Don’t Advertise It” Carlson, and Brian “Huh?” Kilmeade do their 21st Century Three Stooges schtick. It’s Hi-Larry-Ous.

Sometimes I wonder how those three keep a straight face while delivering their goofy, tea bagging, right wing paranoia, and then it hits me…

They have no idea what the hell they’re talking about!! Ailes hired those people to be oblivious and the trio have immersed themselves head deep into a bucket full of stupid. Well done, Roger!!

Bill “Ego Oozes From My Pores” O’Reilly of course, pales not to those three. He needs no encouragement from Roger Ailes.

Billy-Boy knows what he says is the truth because, well, he tells you it is. And if you don’t believe him, he’ll threaten to kick your ass. Nicely played once again, Mr. Ailes.

And then there is…

Glenn “Every Book I Write, I Steal The Title From Someone Else’s Book” Beck. Now there’s a man I enjoy watching.

Unlike the aforementioned FOX personalities, this guy is flat out, bat shit crazy. He can become tiring after awhile but when he’s at his crazy, crying best, he is comedy gold.

Well, I have a word of warning for ya, Mr. Beck…

There’s a new crazy person on FOX News, and she is going to be going fucking rogue!!

Sarah Palin is oblivious like the Fox and Friends stooges. She feigns toughness like Billy Boy, and she is bat shit crazy like the Beck-Meister.

Great Googly Moogly, the Eski-Ho is a fricking triple threat, and Ailes will ride her like a bitch-slapped polar bear to the ratings feeding hole.

Congrats on a another slick move, Roger Ailes. I for one, will be tuning in to watch Palin dish the funny.

I just hope you have set aside plenty of thigh high skirts and low cut blouses for Sarah. I want her to blend in with the other FOX babes.

Cheers!!

Gutfeld, Carlson, and Camerota: The Holy Trinity Of The FOX News Channel

I watch the FOX News Channel often. I watch it for three reasons, which are as follows:

1. Alisyn Camerota.

2. Some of the personalities are funnier than hell.

And,

3. So you don’t have to.

Monday night I felt compelled to e-mail three FOX News Channel on-air personalities and personally let them know just how much I like them, and how much they brighten my day.

I contacted the following personalities via e-mail. Below, is a copy of the e-mail that I sent to each of them.

First up is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld hosts a show called Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. The show airs at 3 A.M. in the morning with a repeat Sunday night/Monday morning at Midnight. It’s a “comedic” look at current news.

Gutfeld typically has various sexy news babes/pundits on as panelists along with his cohort and permanent panelist, “comedian” Bill Schulz. Here is my correspondence to one, Mr. Gutfeld…

Dear Mr. Gutfeld:

I watch your show at midnight every Sunday night/Monday morning. I dig it…well, sorta. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a funny look at the news, but I think your show more accurately falls into that, “It’s so damn awful it’s good” genre of comedy.

It does bring back some wonderful memories. Every time I watch, I am reminded of the time that our fifth grade class at Simon Kenton Elementary School put on a production of, Hamlet. We didn’t know what we were doing, and we would laugh at each others’ tragic lines. Kinda like what you and your panelists do. Of course, we were only eleven year olds.

You were talking about Letterman having sex with his staff members on the show that I saw Sunday October 11th. Let me ask you? Are you having sex with your sidekick, Bill Schulz? I can’t see you keeping him on because of his non-existent comedic skills, so I figure his job is a result of some kind of sex thing you two have going on. If so, more power to you randy rascals.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Second Up? Fox and Friends weekday gal in the middle of the couch, Gretchen Carlson…

Dear Ms. Carlson:

I watch you during the week sometimes. You are really funny. I think it is uber-cool that you, a graduate of Stanford University, would allow yourself to spout out inane observations and non-sequitur takes on current events.

Those two mega-geniuses, Doocy and Kilmeade can be so dour, so I appreciate the way you act like you have absolutely no clue as to the world around you in order to keep things light.

I know you played the violin when you won the Miss America title. Take your violin and comedic skills to Vegas baby. You could be the next Henny, or should that be, Henrietta Youngman!!

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Lastly…My weekend morning source of teenage type tingling…Alisyn Camerota.

Dear Ms. Camerota:

I watch you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I am always captivated, charmed, and intoxicated by your beauty, humor, and intelligence.

You are a cable show triple threat, and I am your captive. While the FOX News Channel agenda and my political views may be polar opposites, you never fail to melt my personal ice cap.

I have done a few posts on my website, Bagwine Ruminations in honor of you, and have provided you with a few links to such. I hope you get a chance to read them. I can’t send you flowers but I can send you my words of adoration.

Tell Roger Ailes that I said that you deserve a huge raise, because Alisyn, you raise my interest every weekend morning.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

I sent along my name, address, and phone number to each e-mail that I sent. I think I may get a call or e-mail back from one or all of them, or perhaps…a call or e-mail back from the legal team at FOX News.

Either way, we will become much closer…and I like that.

Cheers!!

Oktoberfest In Bagwine Is Here...Willkommen!!

Guten Tag und Wie Geht’s, Bitches!!

It’s going to be a glorious day. Oktoberfest has come to Bagwine!!

That’s right jungen und mädchen, my brother Marty and his uber-lovely wife are throwing an Oktoberfest bash today at their palatial estate.

It’ll be like partying the afternoon away in Berchtesgaden. Well, except we won’t be surrounded by Nazis, unless of course, my brother John shows up. I mean, while his last name is of course Mahoney, it may as well be Goebbels.

Kidding of course…I kid because I love.

Okay, he did throw one of my sisters up against the wall once because she woke him from his nap, but hey…what’s a little happy horseplay amongst siblings?

I do love drinking some brew ha ha’s with my family. They are all incredibly rude, infantile, and over the top with their caustic wits. It will be wunderbar.

Plenty of food, beer, laughs, and tom foolery. And…

I’m taking the R-Man with me.

While I am first and foremost Ryno’s dad, he is next to Schmoop, my very best friend, and we never stop laughing when we are together in situations like this.

Uncle Marty will be giving him Oktoberfest shit all day, and Ryno will be giving it right back. Good times…good times.

I am a little bummed that Marty couldn’t get the Pope to stop by. It would have been way cool having Blitzkrieg Benny give the Oktoberfest Benediction.

He could stand over a stein of beer, and while wearing his big, holy, iron cross, wail on about strength through joy, and then pontificate about the irony of him leading a church that is based upon the teachings of a long haired Jew boy, whom if he had met in 1944 he would have shot in his Heeb head with his Luger.

Oh the hilarity that would ensue. But alas…Benny can’t make it.

Anyhoo…The get-together should be a gas…or should I say, a mustard gas. Ha!!

Another positive on this Oktoberfest day? The weather is going to be nice, and since I am not picking up Ryno until this afternoon, I can watch all of the Fox and Friends weekend show, and you know what that means…

That’s right.

Three whole hours of drooling and fantasizing about the love of my life…Alisyn Camerota. Purrrrrr.

Look at that sick and twisted tongue on her. Alisyn…Ich liebe Dich.

Have a wonderful Saturday all, and of course…

Cheers, Prost, and Hau weg den Scheiss!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Fantasy Football and Programming Notes

It’s going to be a Partly Cloudy, Cool and, Breezy Sabbath in Bagwine today.

I of course, will be minding the Beer Mine today from 11-7, ensuring that football fans everywhere will have plenty of beer and smokes on hand while cussing at their TV.

Just consider me, a Social Worker.

Speaking of football…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be in pedophile football heaven today as his 1-2 Stalkers try to manhandle my boyishly sexy 2-1 Jonas Brothers in the Open Bar League over at ESPN Fantasy Football.

Jay’s team has a deadly receiving corps and is using the Bengals defense who are playing the hapless Cleveland Browns, so he has a leg up on my Jonas Brothers…which I am sure excites his sick self to no end.

My only hope is that one of my running backs, Pierre “Thick as a Brick” Thomas and my quarterback, Peyton Is He Manning Enough have big games today.

C’mon Jonas Brothers, put that pervert back into his dark, dark place!!

After work, I am going to go see Ryan for a few. After I give him a week ahead pep talk, it is back here to tip a few, watch the late game, and type up some Bagwine magic for tomorrow.

My selflessness is never-ending, and what do I get in return? You got it…Heartache. But, I continue to give, and shall.

I am a little sad this morning. I am watching my favorite FOX babe, Alisyn Camerota of Fox and Friends weekend as I type this, and Alisyn is wearing a dress that shows far too little.

I always count on her for a little Sunday morning wood, but alas, my phallus remains flaccid. Bummer. That’s okay, my love for her remains firm and steadfast.

I love you, Allie!!

Anyhoo…Before I leave you today, I have a programming note in regards to the content of what you will be seeing on Bagwine Ruminations.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing for the next three or four weeks, my daily commentary will be concentrating on political and social issues.

I know these topics do not thrill some of you, but it is something I have to do for awhile in hopes of accomplishing something that is uber-important to me.

I promise to try to make these upcoming posts amusing, but I just ask you to bear with me on the topics I will be addressing over the next month or so.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. And of course, as always…

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Is Hot, And...I Love Her

A powerful, uncontrollable feeling has gripped the soul and yes, the heart of Matt-Man, and...

As one who does not like to run from his feelings, nor keep them from you, my readers…

I am publishing an open letter to Fox and Friends weekend host, Alisyn Camerota in order to unleash and express my deep feelings for her.

Dear Alisyn (or dare I call you, Allie? hee-hee),

While I loathe FOX News (other than for comic value), every Saturday and Sunday morning around 7 A.M., after I take a leak, fire up a Basic Full Flavor, and crack open a beer grab a cup of joe, I turn on the T.V. and watch you in all of your babe-o-liciousness.

Sometimes, I am stark naked while I watch and I imagine that I am the couch upon which are sitting.

I’m 44, so it’s kind of late in life for me to be suffering from puppy love or a mere crush.

Alisyn, my dear, I have an incurable case of Camerotarrhea and there’s not enough penicillin in the world to abate it.

I know, I know…You are married and have three kids including a pair of twins, and I? I have been living with a woman named Schmoop for nearly nine years, but think about it.

You probably would like a break from your husband and the kids, and frankly Schmoop would probably enjoy some time away from me…of that, I have little doubt.

And yeah, we do come from different worlds. You work with complete and utter morons and address an audience comprised mainly of inbred mouth breathers, who are always seeing black helicopters above their houses, and think that Sarah Palin is the answer to this nation’s malaise.

I on the other hand, am a thinking individual and work for a guy named Drive-By Mikey, who while I was working Friday, threw a smoke bomb at me while I was standing in the Drive-Thru of the Beer Mine.

Yes, my boss and owner of the Beer Mine, threw a smoke bomb at me and into his own place of business, Alisyn. How cool is that?

We need to meet and try to make this love affair happen. I know it would be electric.

You could come to Bagwine. We could have drinks and get a room at the Fairfax Motel/Biker Bar.

We could stay in Room 20 so I could show you the puke stain on the carpet that I left in 2003 after blowing off my afternoon work meetings, and instead, held a meeting with 13 Seven and Sevens at the motel bar.

You’d like the stain…it looks like the Virgin Mary.

I could take you by the Beer Mine and introduce you to the aforementioned Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill as well.

Since you’re Italian, I’ll have Pizza Bill make a pizza for you. In fact, I’ll ask him to bake a heart-shaped pie just for you, my bella.

I can give you a tour of the beer cooler, and maybe while we’re in there I could steal a kiss and a warm embrace. Don’t worry about being caught.

Mike will be in his office sleeping, moisturizing his feet, going over the books. Bill will be occupied with some Fox News watching son of a bitch who can’t decide whether she wants a Dr. Pepper or a Coke.

Bill will be tied up for at least ten minutes before the chick finally settles for a Three Musketeers Bar and a Diet-Pepsi.

I’ll then take you to a romantic dinner and we can chat, flirt, and make fun of that horrid, vacuous bone-head, Gretchen Carlson.

After that, we can…well, I think you know where I am going. I have visualized the “after that” many times.

I know that a gentleman never discusses over whom he silently masturbates, but let me tell you…

You look really hot in that cooler when I have your naked body bent over a stack of Busch 30 packs.

I hope to hear from your lawyer you soon my love.

Always in mind, my heart, and my dreams…

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Way Too Early With Willie Geist and Morning Joe on MSNBC: Actual Thought Goes Well With Coffee

I am an early riser typically.

On most days I arise at 5:30 A.M.…

Or to be more accurate, at 5:30 A.M., I get off of Kelly in order to go take a leak, plug the coffeemaker in, fire up the day’s first cigarette, and then turn on the TV.

The channel on the Bagwine TV is immediately turned to MSNBC.

At 5:30, MSNBC kicks off with, Way too Early with Willie Geist. I dig the Willie, and his half hour show is a great way to wake up. It’s news, but he makes it amusing.

At 6 A.M., Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks) begins, and runs until 9:00 A.M. If you want to know what the day’s headlines are, enjoy politics, and revel in intelligent discourse, this is the morning show that you need to watch.

Morning Joe is hosted by Joe Scarborough, a former Congressman from Pensacola, FL. His co-hosts are Mika Brzezinski, and the aforementioned, Willie Geist.

Scarborough is almost as conservative as people can be. His lifetime voting record in Congress earned him an ACU rating in the low to mid 90’s. How could I, Matt-Man, enjoy watching a guy like this?

He’s not a nut job conservative who believes in Death Panels or the claim of Obama being born in Kenya, and is more than comfortable in criticizing his own, beloved GOP. On top of that…

Scarborough can be pretty damn funny. I like that. He and Willie Geist are the Abbott and Costello of morning shows…but it’s in a smart way.

Mika Brzezinski is sitting next to Joe the entire time. And Mika? She’s easy on the eyes, can read the news as well as anyone, and…she is freakin’ annoying as hell!!

She’s a nanny state chick who wants everything that is bad for a person’s health, such as Big Macs, sugary drinks, and of course tobacco to be taxed out the ass. Rarely does a day go by that she doesn’t bring it up. And, she…never…shuts…up!!

And while I don’t find Mika to be too bright, her IQ is still at least 20 points higher than the combined IQ of Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, and the uber-vacuous Gretchen Carlson over at Fox and Friends.

Anyhoo…

Morning Joe, unlike the right wing propaganda over at FOX with Hannity and The O’Reilly Factor, and the left wing love fest that takes place on MSNBC with Countdown with Keith Olbermann and The Rachel Maddow Show, is incredibly balanced.

The show is balanced not so much by the trio of hosts, but by the guests that they have on. They have the best guests on morning show TV, period.

Whether a person is Liberal, Conservative, or Moderate…If that person is someone who has influence in our country and the world in all areas from economics, health care, or international relations, they appear on the show.

Recurring guests include Liberals such as, Eugene Robinson, Lawrence O’Donnell, and Mike Barnicle.

Conservatives include Pat Buchanan, Dan Senor, and Peggy Noonan. Anyone in the know, appears on Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks).

There you have it folks. Nothing really funny here today, but I just wanted to give you a tip.

If you are tired of all of the left and right wing crazies that appear on cable TV, and want to hear informed and thoughtful opinions (whether you agree with them or not) being bandied about, there is a place that you can go.

And that place is called…

Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks)...in spite of Mika.

Cheers!!

Taxes, Tea Parties, and FOX News

Well it’s Tax Day, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Sharpen those pencils, get out the calculators, and mail those tax returns in. Or…

Go to the nearest Teabag Party!!

That’s right…

A bi-partisan group of individuals, (read, right-wing "visionaries" such as Dick Armey, Grover Norquist, and Newt Gingrich) is throwing “grassroots”, anti-tax, anti-socialism, anti-Obama demonstrations, known as tea parties, across the country today.

And guess who will be giving protesting inbreds across America wall-to-wall coverage? That’s right…FOX News!!

Of course, FOX News claims they are not promoting these Teabag orgies. They are just simply covering four of these events because it’s hard news.

FOX’s Cavuto, Beck, Hannity, and Van Sustern will be tea bagging live for your viewing enjoyment!!

I’ll be at work, but I hope to catch the replay of Glenn Beck’s appearance at the teabag party in San Antonio. Hell, Ted Nugent is going to play the National Anthem at that one.

Beck and Nugent will tea bagging each other, baby. Who will be the tea bagger and the tea baggee, I’m unsure.

I mean Teddy has that long flowing, girly hair, and yet Beck, like a woman, cries on cue and wants everyone to look into his eyes. I think those two tea bagging is more akin to train wreck-like chick on chick action.

The whole tea party idea is based on the 1773 event in which Americans protested British taxation by pouring tea into Boston Harbor.

“No taxation without representation!!”, they clamored. Who among these protesters don’t have representation? And…

What increase in taxes are they clamoring about? I think we are still under the tax rates of the Bush administration, aren’t we?

I know Obama wants to raise the tax rates on the very top income earners, but even then, his top rate will still be 10% less than it was during the Reagan Administration.

So…um…what? Okay, maybe their message is about keeping America from becoming a Socialist state. I can see that…

I mean before we know it, we’ll have unemployment insurance, Medicare, Social Security, Rural Electrification, free/reduced school lunches, and one day we may wake up and the entire Tennessee Valley will be under some type of Authority!!

Oh the Humanity!!

Yeah, I think they may have missed the Federally subsidized bus on the socialism thing. Of course that does leave these folks and FOX News with one other angle…

Bash Obama!!

These tea bagging parties could very well end up turning into anti-Obama rallies, the likes that have never been seen.

Obama’s reputation may be forever sullied on a nationwide scale as men teabag with men…women teabag with women, and children teabag with their parents.

But wait just a minute…

Perhaps that is exactly what President Obama wants. After all…

A guy who is an Uber-Liberal, America-Hating, Kenyan Born, Muslim and who was elected President of the United States would want all of that free perverted tea bagging going on.

It keeps the masses distracted and spent, and leaves Obama free to ruin the country.

Damn…Obama is one smart, bad ass, frickin’ genius.

Cheers!!

Update (12:45): In the Heart of the Boston Tea Party...Fox News reports that the, and I quote, "The Fascist budget" has drawn hundreds to the Tea Bagging Party in Boston...

Get Your Hand Out of My Chips!!

Sunday morning I was watching Fox and Friends Weekend.

Yes, I watch it on the weekends because well...

The two dudes are not incredibly hateable like their weekday counterparts, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade.

And…

Unlike Fox and Friends weekday Gumby Gal, Gretchen Carlson, Alisyn Camerota can put complete sentences together and is smokin’ hot.

Anyhoo…

They had uber-nutjob and founder of National Action Against Obesity (NAAO), MeMe Roth on. Oh, how I loathe her simple, skinny ass.

She’s a Food Nazi who has called for boycotts of Girl Scout cookies, said that Jordin Sparks should not have won American Idol because she’s fat, and wants junk food banned altogether.

She’s a goofball and media whore, and her appearance on F&F just fired me up about this whole movement to tax and/or ban “junk food”.

Roth is far from alone in the movement to tax or ban certain products. Governor Patterson of New York wants to tax sodas that are high in sugar.

It’s all because there is a childhood obesity epidemic and the Guv wants nothing but the best of health for the cheeeeldren.

Oh, and the 1.2 BILLION Dollars the tax would generate for the state would be nice too.

Individuals and advocacy groups popping up over the issue of junk food related obesity are almost always involved in the cause for one of two reasons.

Either they want to generate money through taxes or…

THEY CAN’T MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR OTHERS!!

Jesus Christ, now dig it…

Weekday mornings I watch Morning Joe on MSNBC. It’s hosted by Joe Scarborough, a former U.S. Rep from Florida.

He’s quite the conservative, but I find him funny and they have really good and varied guests on.

The only drawback to his show? His co-host, Mika Brzezinski.

Oh dear God, she is a Junk Food Nazi just like MeMe Roth.

She finds it super duper that smoking is banned in all places but one’s bathroom.

And, she loves the fact that Gov. Patterson wants to tax soda.

She think it’s “cool” because he is taxing things that are bad for people.

She often berates Scarborough for his weight and sometimes refers to herself as, “Mommy”. Uh-Huh, if that doesn’t hit the societal nail on the head.

Some people want to be everyone’s mommy and dictate how they live. I’ve got two words for Mommy Brzezinski and others of her self-rightgeous ilk…

Get Stuffed!!

Because of people like these, laws have been enacted that force us to wear seatbelts, helmets, and in turn, veto our personal choices and responsibility.

They have grossly exaggerated the effects of second hand smoke which has forced smokers to hide in the shadows while paying exorbitant taxes. And now…

These same people want to tell us what to eat and drink, all in the name of the children.

Gimme a break. It’s all about the money and busy-bodyism.

So, Food Nazis, let me eat my junk food tax free and guilt free, because while it might not be good for me, it tastes so much better than the line of bullshit that you are feeding me.

Cheers!!

I Love the Fox News Channel!!

Sunday after work, I popped open a couple of beers and watched Huckabee on the Fox News Channel.

Good ol’ Gov. Mike Huckabee…He has his own show at 8 o’clock on Fox on Sunday nights. Why do I watch it?

My favorite genre of entertainment is unintentional comedy.

While Huck is not as funny as those comedians, Brian “Duhhhhh” Kilmeade, Steve “Whatever You Say, Mr. Ailes” Doocy, and Gretchen “Uber-Vacuous” Carlson on Fox and Friends in the morning...

His show does provides me with a chortle or two.

As I watched, my mind became overcome with a series of random thoughts. Shall I impart them to you? I shall…

First up on the show was Jonathan Krohn. He’s a 13 year old little dweeb who spoke at CPAC on the same bill as Rush “I Downed Three OxyContin and Ate Kirstie Alley for Dinner ” Limbaugh.

Little Johnny has written a book, Define Conservatism. He’s done a plethora of talk shows. He’s been described as a prodigy.

I describe him as a little right-wing shit who is never going to kiss a girl, go to a school dance, or enjoy good ol’ American porn…

I mean, unless it’s porn involving Rev. Ted Haggard and/or Mark Foley.

He’s a semi-professional child actor whose mom found an angle, and on top of that…he plays the cello AND the banjo. Can you say, weenie?

Dude, my advice to you?

Politics can wait. While you’re young…go to a school football game with a hot teen chick, and feel her blossoming boobies underneath the bleachers.

If you continue down the path you're on, you’ll end up a bitter old wife beater.

Speaking of which…

The Huckster’s next guest was Denise Brown. Gack!! Blah, blah, I lost my sister. Blah, blah, it hurts. Blah, blah…I need some face time.

Ick. Yeah, it was a tragedy that OJ walked away, but girl?

You are nothing more than a opportunist, and the psychologist in me thinks you were jealous of Nicole.

It’s nice that after her death, you started a foundation that “promotes the awareness” of domestic violence but seriously…

1998 tax records show that your foundation only gave away 3.6% of what it took in. And on average, your group at best, gives back 36%. Pfffffft. Go Away, you suck.

Lastly, during the Huckster’s show, I had an epiphany due to a commercial for the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept.

I was thinking…Alzheimer’s does have its benefits for both victim and family.

If I had Alzheimer’s Disease, I could have sex with Schmoop and I wouldn’t know that it was her. It would be like having sex with a different woman every night.

I have always thought erroneously that I am a stud muffin, but in this case, at least in my mind, I actually would be!!

And for Schmoop? She could feed me baloney sandwiches every night, and tell me the next day that I had steak for dinner.

It’s a win-win.

Even more so for her because, instead of actually having sex with me, she could tell me that we did and I wouldn’t know any better.

Oh sure, I’d wonder why my balls were engorged, and my prostate was backing up, but hell…

I’d just blame it on a side effect from the Aricept.

Cheers!!

The Right Wing Says: Damn, Niggah is Thickah Than Party

Ha. Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for President.

I find this so damn funny, not because I think endorsements make a huge difference, but this one will have an impact because of the right wing reaction to it.

I am not talking about “normal thinking” Republicans (yes, there are some out there), but I am talking about the right wing fringe.

And man…these snakes are showing their colors, and their poison…quickly, loudly, and vehemently.

I got home late last night , and I was so excited to listen to Vietnam dodger and talk show radio host, Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW-AM.

Willie, as he’s known, has a large audience…And this man, who calls himself, The Voice of the Common Man is livid over the endorsement.

Willie, was saying that Powell owes everything to the Republican Party.

His career…his prominence, and it’s a damn shame that the General has backed a terrorist, and double-crossed the GOP.

Well ya know what, Willie? Sen. Joe Lieberman rose to power with the strength of the money and the machine of the Democrat party.

Yet, Jerusalem Joe has given the Dem party the big ol’ F-U, just so that he can insure that his career on the backs of the taxpayer continues, and...

That his first patriotic love, the State of Israel, still stands gazing down upon the dirt roads, poverty, and hovels of the Palestinian State.

Joe, the jig is up…We all know that you would rather have the capital of the U.S. reside in Jerusalem, and not Washington, D.C.

How’s that for hyperbole? Well it’s on Cunningham’s level. Only mine isn’t filled with hate and I don’t have the mindless audience that he has that would agree with me.

The first caller (an ex-military guy) that I heard on Cunningham's show last night said that he couldn’t believe that, “Race trumps substance.” He was speaking of Powell’s endorsement of Obama.

After the caller and Willie had phone sex over the issue, Willie once again, went on an anti-Powell rant.

And it was funny…Willie who is also a lawyer of some success, implied that Powell was endorsing Obama because of race.

Cunningham said that it was a travesty because Powell should have endorsed McCain because they were both soldiers.

Huh? Wouldn’t that be the same endorsement by association that Cunningham is eschewing? Hey Cunningham, for a lawyer you ain’t so cunning.

On a similar note, FOX News began spinning this 1,001 Ways to Sunday since the news broke, and will be doing so today…

Powell wants a position…Powell wanted to be McCain’s VP…Powell is sticking with his “homey”.

You guys all suck. Powell is still a Republican. He’s still the man he was yesterday. He’s still a thoughtful man.

The only difference is that he doesn’t walk in lockstep with the GOP.

Powell said that he likes Obama’s calm, cool, thoughtfulness. He doesn’t like the Palin choice. He doesn’t like the negative ads from McCain.

I understand that the right wing of the GOP doesn’t like people deviating from the lockstep, because if one does; they may all fall down.

And the irony is?

You have an alleged bi-partisan Maverick as a candidate, and yet you guys obviously hate self-thinkers…

Ha, and I thought the Democrats were the ones who ate their own.

Cheers!!

Update: I want to apologize to Fox and Friends...This morning the self-proclaimed, "Official Morning Show of the 2008 Election" has decided not to talk much about the Powell endorsement.

They are ignoring it in order to talk about Barack's murky fundraising and the new Lynne Spears book. Oh they mention the endorsement a bit and ask, "Did race play a part in the endorsement? What does Rush Limbaugh think?" Cue, drug boy!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so break out the Ben Gay ‘cause I am going to play basketball with my son sometime BEFORE I go to work tonight.

Holy Frijoles am I going to be sore tomorrow. My body will be stiff in every spot except where stiffness is of use to me. Nobody knows the troubles I see…

I can’t believe that Bernie Mac died at such a young age. And then the soulful Scientologist Isaac Hayes is picked up by the big spaceship. Yikes.

I heard that Hayes died from a stroke.

Won’t that be ironic if that is what one day takes the life of Clarence Carter? Strokin’ to the East, Strokin’ to the West, Strokin’ with St. Peter, makin’ one holy mess…I be Strokin!!

Flip flop…flip flop…goo goo goo. Mmmmmmm coffee. Need more. Sid is throwing up again, doesn’t it seem that Schmoop is always allegedly having her monthly visit.

I smell a cruel plot by her to keep me from violating her hoo-ha.

Or, maybe that smell indicates that her basement is actually flooding once again. Strokin’!! And in fact, that seems to be the case for the next few days.

Fox and Friends: Steve Doocy. Brian Kilmeade. Gretchen Carlson. Are there any three people sitting in the same place that are more vacuous than these three yay hoos? No, no I say!!

Dear God, they are awful. They make Bill O’Reilly appear thoughtful and intelligent.

I be strokin’!! Mmmmmmm, cigarette. I really should quit, but I so love the taste of tar in the morning. Be right back, I gots to pee. Ahhhhhh, much better.

Televangelist and wife of Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen was cleared by a jury of assaulting a flight attendant. I took one thing away from the trial upon seeing Ms. Osteen on TV yesterday, and it’s this…

If she was made in God’s image, God must have one Huuuuuuuuuge Ass!!

Wow, Vicky, girl. Noah’s ark wasn’t as wide as your holy caboose. You’d better do something soon, ‘cause your trunk ain’t gonna fit through the pearly gates.

Amen, and Praise da Baby Jeebus.

Well, I must be off, for I must take Schmoop’s raggin’ ass to work. And then come back home.

Then I have to go to the grocery…and then come back home…then, off to see Ryno…and then to pick up Schmoop…then back home…and then go to work…and then back home.

I won’t know if I am coming or going today, but at least when I see the wet spot on my crotch I will no that I went…or something like that. There was a joke in all of that somewhere that I just couldn’t pull off.

Have a lovely Friday, all. As for me? I’ll be strokin’!!

Cheers!!