Sarah Palin in Israel? Oy Vey!!

It’s time for the Monday Morning News…

In International News…

Sarah Palin touched down in Israel and toured Jewish holy sites including the Wailing Wall on Sunday.

She was overheard asking, “Is this where you guys murdered Jesus?”, and went on to say, “That’s some funny looking graffiti; you should really clean that up.”

She will be meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today to discuss among other things, the similarities between Ariel Sharon’s brain pattern activities and hers.

She was offered the meeting time with Netanyahu after his lunch date and Torah reading with Mel Gibson fell through at the last minute.

In Sports…

My NCAA Basketball bracket was last seen blowing down an alley. It was reported as being tattered, covered in shit, and tear stained.

I played my 16 year old son in a game of one-on-one basketball Sunday. He kicked my ass, but I learned a couple of things from this humiliating defeat.

Ryno is getting pretty damned good, and I am getting pretty damned old.

Lastly, in Entertainment News…

Jayman alerted me that our, I’m With Stupid’s St. Patrick’s Day Extravaganza has been ranked in between 12th and 14th on Blog Talk Radio. That’s out of nearly 1,550 comedy shows that have aired on BTR.

This fact proves what FOX News has known for years…Stupid Sells!!

Thanks to everyone who has joined in the fun with us over the last few months.

Well folks, that’s all the news that fits, so I will bid you Happy Monday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sean Hannity Must Die!!

Yeah, you read that post title correctly. Sean Hannity MUST die.

That’s right…The FOX News talking head, talk radio babbler, and diaper-wearin’ crybaby, Sean Hannity, must die.

I listen to him on the radio and watch his Fox News TV show, and have come to the conclusion that he needs dirt sleep…bodily expiration…a copious amount of blunt force trauma upside his massive, square skull.

Allow me to ‘splain.

First of all, he has been, like many others of his ilk, railing against the proposed building of a community center/mosque near Ground Zero.

His arguments transcend the emotional argument that some use based on the mosque allegedly being a slap in the face to those who died in the 9/11 attacks on the WTC. No, no, my friends…

Blockhead Hannity in his delusional, bizarro world, extrapolates that the proposed mosque is a launching pad for Muslims to somehow usurp our Constitution and replace it with the evil Muslim code of Sharia Law.

I bet blockhead Sean utters the phrase, “Sharia Law” every two minutes.

I think he actually doesn’t want the controversy to go away because he loves to say, “Sharia Law!!” Sharia Law this…Sharia Law that.

It’s annoying as hell, but let me tell you, if a hot Muslim chick wants to become a porn star, Sharia Law would be a sexy name. On top of that, it would make Sean’s head assplode.

But seriously, one reason he should die, is because of the Sharia Law echo. Okay, maybe not die.

Maybe punishment for him saying, “Sharia Law” every two minutes, is to experience it, and have his tongue cut out. Trying saying Sharia Law now, Hanny-Boy!! Ha!!

Another reason Hannity should die? His frickin’ Freedom Concerts that he puts on to raise money for scholarships for children who have lost a parent serving in the military.

What the hell is wrong that Matt-Man, you ask? Let me tell you.

This year the musical acts have been Charlie Daniels and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Holy Cow!!

Charlie has been going down to Georgia with the Devil for decades, and the faux Skynyrd band is fronted by no-talent Johnny Van Zant who has been riding dead brother Ronnie’s duster coattails since 1977!!

If Charlie and this Skynyrd knock off band had been around during the Holocaust..?

Hitler wouldn’t have gassed the Jews, he would have forced them to listen to these two bands until they offed themselves.

For that, Blockhead Sean, must die. Okay not die, but something like likewise suffering at the hands of Nazis.

Perhaps we could somehow resurrect Hermann Göring and force Hannity to have hot, man on man cross-dressing sex with Queen Hermann.

And then…On the FOX Hannity show there are his guests. Oh dear God!! Michelle Malkin? Full of Hate. Ann Coulter? Full of hate and testosterone. Juan Williams? Vacuous. Ha.

Juan doesn’t know the difference between an Indian worshipping a bovine in Calcutta and one in South Dakota smoking peyote. What a dim bulb.

For this, Sean Hannity must die…Okay not die…but he should have to have sex with those hateful chicks while Juan looks on trying to figure what the hell is going.

I know…I know…this was incredibly mean-spirited of me, and I, unlike Hannity, do not think I am God, therefore I cannot make another person die.

However, Sean could kill me. Well, kill me in an indirect way.

You see, I often hear a promo for Hannity’s radio show that goes something like, “Listen to Sean weekdays from 3-6 and get Hannitized!!”

It should read more like this: “Listen to Sean weekdays from 3-6, and long to be euthanized.”

Oy, what a clown…Oh, there’s another thing about Hannity that I don’t like…

He smells like a bushel of rotten potato peels and onions that have been pickling for six months in a jar of Frankenstein’s urine.

Where did that come from and how do I know, you ask?

I have no idea, but it’s true, because I believe it.

Cheers!!

Juan Williams On FOX News: Calls GOP South Carolina Gubernatorial Candidate, Nikki Haley, A Native American

Ha...I always knew that Juan Williams was a dumbass, but c'mon!!

When talking to FOX News blockhead, Brett Baier, he said that it was impressive that Nikki Haley nearly avoided a run-off in old line, male dominated South Carolina...

Not only because Ms. Haley is a woman, but because she is a Native American.

Ha!!

Haley is not an American Indian knuckle-fuck. Her parents are Sikh...they are Indians...You know, from In-Dee-Uh.

Holy Shit, Juan. You never fail to impress me with your stupidity.

I'll have more later today, but for now?

I am off to sleep and dream about Orly Taitz. Oh how I wish she had won her race.

Cheers!!

Gary Gardenhire: Idle Hands Are The Matt-Man's Playground

Hee Hee...Oh were to begin..?

Monday at 8:54 A.M. I received the following e-mail from one, Gary Gardenhire:

Oh, Matt-Man, I would so love to ruminate with you, but I just don't think I have the intellectual gifts necessary to give you a good ruminating. You are so obviously brilliant.

By the way, Matt-Man, I see one of your "interests" (q.v. listed in my blog profile) -- gee you have so many neat interests -- is being a horses' ass. Wouldn't it be more accurate given your Buckeye brilliance to say that you look like a horse's ass, more particularly one without any hair on it?

At first I thought…

“Why is the manager of the Minnesota Twins saying awful things about me?”

And then I realized…The name of the Twins manager is RON Gardenhire, not Gary. So, I asked aloud,

“Who the fuck is Gary Gardenhire and why is he peeing all over me?”

I put the crack Bagwine staff to work in order to find out who the hell Gary W. Gardenhire is. It turns out Gary Gardenhire has quite the lengthy and impressive resume.

He is a decorated army officer who served for 36 years, an attorney, and a dedicated public servant for the State of Oklahoma.

He was an Oklahoma State Senator, Chief Counsel for their Dept. of Health, and served some time as Assistant Attorney General, Chief of the Civil Division.

He is, of course, a heap big mug wump in the Oklahoma Republican Party.

He may still practice law, but Gary recently retired from all of that Oklahoma State government and military stuff, so I guess he has some extra time on his hands.

And guess what friends… I know exactly what Gary wants to do with those idle hands of his.

You see…the reason Gary Gardenhire chanced by my site and ultimately my blog profile was that he typed in a Google search that contained the following:

Alisyn Camerota Spanked

That search took him of course to the following post of mine: Alisyn Camerota Is Hot and I Love Her

Now, I dig any guy who wants to spank Alisyn Camerota and him being a Republican and wanting to get down and nasty with a FOX News babe makes perfect sense, but Gary is a man of deep irony.

First of all, while he wants to spank Alisyn Camerota, has at least one son, and may or may not be married, he’s probably gay.

After all, as the movie An Officer and a Gentleman teaches us, “Only two things come from Oklahoma, steers and queers.”

And I don’t see any horns on Gardenhire in his picture below. I guess Gary is not into those traditional family values that GOP’ers so often talk about.

Secondly…His last position in the U.S. Army ran from 2001-2003. He served with the 75th Division as Chief of Staff for Intelligence and Security.

Now don’t ya think that a guy in intelligence would know that I could find out about his desire to spank Alisyn Camerota in about two seconds using the magical tubes that are the internets?

The final irony? This (at least on paper) well educated man read my blog…read my profile…and yes, saw into my soul.

And yet…

After reading my site he failed to realize the most important thing…

I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

For your amusement and mine information…

I’ve e-mailed Mr. Gardenhire and informed him that he is the special Bagwine guest on today’s post, so…

If any of you hot babes (or guys) want to let Gary know how much you’d like to engage in a spanking session with him, feel free to leave your always ass-tronomical remarks in the comments today.

I bet Gary Boy will dig it.

Cheers!!

Sarah Palin Signs With FOX News...Roger Ailes Is My Hero!!

Wow kids…There was big news on Monday.

The Harry Reid, negro dialect comment fallout? Not at all, bitches and ho’s.

Mark McGwire admitting that he was using steroids when he broke the home run record? Swing and a miss batter; that’s no surprise.

Simon Cowell announcing that he will be leaving American Idol? This judge says no.

No my friends, the big news on Monday was that former Alaska Governor Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin was inked by FOX News to a multi-year deal where she will work as a contributor and provide among other things, political commentary.

Political commentary? From Sarah Palin? Holy Cow!!

My funny bone has a hard-on right now thinking about the amount of jocularity that Palin will produce while weighing in with and alongside Senators, Generals, foreign leaders and the like. Oh Baby!!

Say what you want about FOX News President Roger Ailes, the man is a fucking comedic genius. He knows how to take stupid and turn it into ratings as hilarity ensues.

Tune into Fox and Friends in the morning and gaze upon Steve “Sure Thing, Mr Ailes” Doocy, Gretchen “I Graduated From Stanford, But They Don’t Advertise It” Carlson, and Brian “Huh?” Kilmeade do their 21st Century Three Stooges schtick. It’s Hi-Larry-Ous.

Sometimes I wonder how those three keep a straight face while delivering their goofy, tea bagging, right wing paranoia, and then it hits me…

They have no idea what the hell they’re talking about!! Ailes hired those people to be oblivious and the trio have immersed themselves head deep into a bucket full of stupid. Well done, Roger!!

Bill “Ego Oozes From My Pores” O’Reilly of course, pales not to those three. He needs no encouragement from Roger Ailes.

Billy-Boy knows what he says is the truth because, well, he tells you it is. And if you don’t believe him, he’ll threaten to kick your ass. Nicely played once again, Mr. Ailes.

And then there is…

Glenn “Every Book I Write, I Steal The Title From Someone Else’s Book” Beck. Now there’s a man I enjoy watching.

Unlike the aforementioned FOX personalities, this guy is flat out, bat shit crazy. He can become tiring after awhile but when he’s at his crazy, crying best, he is comedy gold.

Well, I have a word of warning for ya, Mr. Beck…

There’s a new crazy person on FOX News, and she is going to be going fucking rogue!!

Sarah Palin is oblivious like the Fox and Friends stooges. She feigns toughness like Billy Boy, and she is bat shit crazy like the Beck-Meister.

Great Googly Moogly, the Eski-Ho is a fricking triple threat, and Ailes will ride her like a bitch-slapped polar bear to the ratings feeding hole.

Congrats on a another slick move, Roger Ailes. I for one, will be tuning in to watch Palin dish the funny.

I just hope you have set aside plenty of thigh high skirts and low cut blouses for Sarah. I want her to blend in with the other FOX babes.

Cheers!!

Gutfeld, Carlson, and Camerota: The Holy Trinity Of The FOX News Channel

I watch the FOX News Channel often. I watch it for three reasons, which are as follows:

1. Alisyn Camerota.

2. Some of the personalities are funnier than hell.

And,

3. So you don’t have to.

Monday night I felt compelled to e-mail three FOX News Channel on-air personalities and personally let them know just how much I like them, and how much they brighten my day.

I contacted the following personalities via e-mail. Below, is a copy of the e-mail that I sent to each of them.

First up is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld hosts a show called Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. The show airs at 3 A.M. in the morning with a repeat Sunday night/Monday morning at Midnight. It’s a “comedic” look at current news.

Gutfeld typically has various sexy news babes/pundits on as panelists along with his cohort and permanent panelist, “comedian” Bill Schulz. Here is my correspondence to one, Mr. Gutfeld…

Dear Mr. Gutfeld:

I watch your show at midnight every Sunday night/Monday morning. I dig it…well, sorta. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a funny look at the news, but I think your show more accurately falls into that, “It’s so damn awful it’s good” genre of comedy.

It does bring back some wonderful memories. Every time I watch, I am reminded of the time that our fifth grade class at Simon Kenton Elementary School put on a production of, Hamlet. We didn’t know what we were doing, and we would laugh at each others’ tragic lines. Kinda like what you and your panelists do. Of course, we were only eleven year olds.

You were talking about Letterman having sex with his staff members on the show that I saw Sunday October 11th. Let me ask you? Are you having sex with your sidekick, Bill Schulz? I can’t see you keeping him on because of his non-existent comedic skills, so I figure his job is a result of some kind of sex thing you two have going on. If so, more power to you randy rascals.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Second Up? Fox and Friends weekday gal in the middle of the couch, Gretchen Carlson…

Dear Ms. Carlson:

I watch you during the week sometimes. You are really funny. I think it is uber-cool that you, a graduate of Stanford University, would allow yourself to spout out inane observations and non-sequitur takes on current events.

Those two mega-geniuses, Doocy and Kilmeade can be so dour, so I appreciate the way you act like you have absolutely no clue as to the world around you in order to keep things light.

I know you played the violin when you won the Miss America title. Take your violin and comedic skills to Vegas baby. You could be the next Henny, or should that be, Henrietta Youngman!!

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Lastly…My weekend morning source of teenage type tingling…Alisyn Camerota.

Dear Ms. Camerota:

I watch you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I am always captivated, charmed, and intoxicated by your beauty, humor, and intelligence.

You are a cable show triple threat, and I am your captive. While the FOX News Channel agenda and my political views may be polar opposites, you never fail to melt my personal ice cap.

I have done a few posts on my website, Bagwine Ruminations in honor of you, and have provided you with a few links to such. I hope you get a chance to read them. I can’t send you flowers but I can send you my words of adoration.

Tell Roger Ailes that I said that you deserve a huge raise, because Alisyn, you raise my interest every weekend morning.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

I sent along my name, address, and phone number to each e-mail that I sent. I think I may get a call or e-mail back from one or all of them, or perhaps…a call or e-mail back from the legal team at FOX News.

Either way, we will become much closer…and I like that.

Cheers!!

Return From Elba: Don Imus Premiers on FOX Business Network

Today, Monday October 5th, 2009 is a big day in the world of morning talk shows.

The antediluvian, ophidian looking, sarcastic son of a bitch, Don Imus returns to TV today as he will now be simulcasting his radio show on FOX Business Network.

Yes friends, a little over two years after being unceremoniously canned by MSNBC, The I-Man has returned to television.

The President of FOX News and my fellow Ohioan, Roger Ailes, has decided that any wounds resulting from I-Man’s April 2007 “nappy headed ho’s” quote in reference to the Rutgers University women’s basketball team, have healed, and...

The I-Man is ready for “Primetime TV” once more…well, that the I-Man is once again ready for “Holy Crap It’s Early!! TV.”

I was behind Imus when the hubbub over his “ho” remark occurred. I wasn’t behind him because of his remark, although I found it to be pretty damn tame.


I was behind him because of the hypocrisy of those who wanted him fired.

Al Roker who appeared on the Imus in the Morning show numerous times in order to hump his latest book, was “outraged” by what Imus had said.

Baby Daddy, Jesse Jackson used the “scandal” in order to attempt to resurrect his long lost relevance.

Al Sharpton, who once said, “White folks was in caves while we was building empires…We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it.” was driving the Fire Imus Bandwagon.

MSNBC and CBS Radio were outraged as well…not by his comment, but by the fact that they were losing advertising revenue over the incident.

Jackson, Sharpton, MSNBC, CBS, and many other people and groups wore their hypocrisy and phoniness on their sleeves over this “scandal.”

It was completely and intentionally blown out of proportion by civil rights ambulance chasers and multimedia bean counters.

But…that is in the past. Today, Imus, while he has continued to air his show on radio, begins anew on TV.

I’m going to watch it today, but eh…

While I have always found Imus to be funny in a rude, asshole type of way, I’m hooked on Morning Joe (Brewed By Starbucks) on MSNBC.

I know, Joe Scarborough is as Conservative as they come, but he has the best guests on…and they come from all political spectrums.

On top of that, if I want to be amused by a rude asshole, I’ll just read my old posts (like this one) or write a new one. So…

I’m glad that Imus is back. I think he got a raw deal by being fired, although he did get a 40 Million Dollar settlement from CBS.

But hey, if you’re one of those who thinks he didn’t get punished enough, consider this…

Even though Imus is back on TV, he’s on FOX Business Network. FOX Business Network, People!! Holy Cow!!

It’s channel 353 on the Bagwine cable box. Who has the strength and where-with-all to punch THREE numbers into their remote!?

I bet Ailes would have rather put Imus on FOX News Channel in the morning in place of the Fox and Friends Stooges: Doocy, Kilmeade, and Carlson, but being the smart guy that Ailes is, he recognizes something important.

People who watch Fox and Friends during the week, don’t like to think for themselves. They want the right wing honey served to them on top of their morning oatmeal.

The I-Man? He sometimes has opinions that go against the grain of those types of people. Ailes doesn’t want to upset those folks, especially during breakfast. It could very well confuse them for the rest of the day.

Cheers!!

Tea Party March On Washington, D.C.: FOX News And Glenn Beck Aren't Fair and Balanced; They're Steeping The Tea!!

I mentioned yesterday that I was just flat out pissed off and disgusted with what I saw on the FOX News coverage of the Tea Party march on Washington, D.C.

As one who appreciates loud, proud, and sassy civil disobedience, don’t think for a moment that I feel that these tea baggers shouldn’t have descended on our Nation’s Capitol.

However…I was disturbed by a couple of things that I saw.

First of all FOX News…

I heard inflated attendance numbers given by the moronic numb nut Griff Jenkins. I watched and listened to Glenn Beck heaping praise upon the protestors as his eyes “welled-up” with pride.

Former Congressman and House Majority Leader Dick Armey, whose group FreedomWorks Foundation has sponsored and financed many of these events, talked about the “spontaneous and grassroots” movement that is taking place.

Many in the crowd, when placed in front of a FOX News microphone by the aforementioned Griff Jenkins, returned the praise given by Glenn Beck by thanking him and FOX News for helping to get their message out.

Fair and Balanced, alright. FOX News is as fair as Rachel Maddow is an open-minded chick who likes guys and as balanced as Keith Olbermann is not a guy who is full of himself. Puhleeeeze, how the hell do you guys say that with a straight face?

Anyhoo…The Teabaggers…I heard the same old tired crap. “Obama is a Socialist!!” Now, let me do my best Joe Pesci and ask:

A Socialist, how? A Marxist? A Trotskyite? A Stalinist? An Uber-Hot, Blonde, Swedish Chick Who Lives in Stockholm? Exactly what do you mean by Socialist? Oh that’s right…You haven’t a God Damn clue!!

Then I saw posters and signs throwing the tired, old Nazi label on Obama.

Hmmmm…The only time I have ever seen a black Nazi was when I saw the late Ivan Dixon portray one a couple of times on Hogan’s Heroes during one of their wacky, wartime capers.

Glenn Beck recently released a book titled, “Glenn Beck’s Common Sense”. The title sums up the book correctly, well…halfway anyway.

It’s Beck’s book alright, I mean, other than the title that he creatively borrowed from Thomas Paine, but it’s far from common sense.

And the tea baggers who marched on D.C. Saturday that Beck helped to inspire, displayed the same lack of common sense that spews from Beck’s mouth on a daily basis.

I heard shouts of, “We’re losing our liberties!!” “It’s Communism!!” Hell, I was fully expecting someone to echo Beck’s words that we are now living under an “Oligarhy”. Ha.

The folks that FOX News showed and had talk on camera just threw out quick lines that injected some sense of losing freedom, Communism, Nazism, or otherwise dictatorial intent on the part of the Obama administration.

Get over it. Protest all you want. Protest loudly. Have fun with it. But please, I beg of you…

Could you refrain from merely throwing out invectives and vagaries? Seriously…put some thought into what you are protesting and put an argument behind it.

Do this not, and I will call upon Ivan Dixon to return from the dead, and in all of his Nazi glory, gun you down with his Schmeisser.

Tomorrow…I will announce the name and direction of the independent third political party that I am establishing.

Until then…I am working a rare day time shift today, so play nice while I am gone. If you can, try to keep folks in line, Phfrankie.

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Is Hot, And...I Love Her

A powerful, uncontrollable feeling has gripped the soul and yes, the heart of Matt-Man, and...

As one who does not like to run from his feelings, nor keep them from you, my readers…

I am publishing an open letter to Fox and Friends weekend host, Alisyn Camerota in order to unleash and express my deep feelings for her.

Dear Alisyn (or dare I call you, Allie? hee-hee),

While I loathe FOX News (other than for comic value), every Saturday and Sunday morning around 7 A.M., after I take a leak, fire up a Basic Full Flavor, and crack open a beer grab a cup of joe, I turn on the T.V. and watch you in all of your babe-o-liciousness.

Sometimes, I am stark naked while I watch and I imagine that I am the couch upon which are sitting.

I’m 44, so it’s kind of late in life for me to be suffering from puppy love or a mere crush.

Alisyn, my dear, I have an incurable case of Camerotarrhea and there’s not enough penicillin in the world to abate it.

I know, I know…You are married and have three kids including a pair of twins, and I? I have been living with a woman named Schmoop for nearly nine years, but think about it.

You probably would like a break from your husband and the kids, and frankly Schmoop would probably enjoy some time away from me…of that, I have little doubt.

And yeah, we do come from different worlds. You work with complete and utter morons and address an audience comprised mainly of inbred mouth breathers, who are always seeing black helicopters above their houses, and think that Sarah Palin is the answer to this nation’s malaise.

I on the other hand, am a thinking individual and work for a guy named Drive-By Mikey, who while I was working Friday, threw a smoke bomb at me while I was standing in the Drive-Thru of the Beer Mine.

Yes, my boss and owner of the Beer Mine, threw a smoke bomb at me and into his own place of business, Alisyn. How cool is that?

We need to meet and try to make this love affair happen. I know it would be electric.

You could come to Bagwine. We could have drinks and get a room at the Fairfax Motel/Biker Bar.

We could stay in Room 20 so I could show you the puke stain on the carpet that I left in 2003 after blowing off my afternoon work meetings, and instead, held a meeting with 13 Seven and Sevens at the motel bar.

You’d like the stain…it looks like the Virgin Mary.

I could take you by the Beer Mine and introduce you to the aforementioned Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill as well.

Since you’re Italian, I’ll have Pizza Bill make a pizza for you. In fact, I’ll ask him to bake a heart-shaped pie just for you, my bella.

I can give you a tour of the beer cooler, and maybe while we’re in there I could steal a kiss and a warm embrace. Don’t worry about being caught.

Mike will be in his office sleeping, moisturizing his feet, going over the books. Bill will be occupied with some Fox News watching son of a bitch who can’t decide whether she wants a Dr. Pepper or a Coke.

Bill will be tied up for at least ten minutes before the chick finally settles for a Three Musketeers Bar and a Diet-Pepsi.

I’ll then take you to a romantic dinner and we can chat, flirt, and make fun of that horrid, vacuous bone-head, Gretchen Carlson.

After that, we can…well, I think you know where I am going. I have visualized the “after that” many times.

I know that a gentleman never discusses over whom he silently masturbates, but let me tell you…

You look really hot in that cooler when I have your naked body bent over a stack of Busch 30 packs.

I hope to hear from your lawyer you soon my love.

Always in mind, my heart, and my dreams…

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Sheryl Weinstein and Bernie Madoff...Madoff's Other Secret!!

Friday night after work I watched Greta Van Susteren.

You heard me right. I watched Greta…on FOX News. Don’t get in a hissy fit. I am not having a mental melt down…

Our TV remote is broken and I was too damn lazy to manually switch the channel…once again.

Ol’ Facelift Greta had an “author” on as a guest. The name of the author? Sheryl Weinstein…

I know…“who the hell is she?”, you ask.

Sheryl “Jeebus Christ I’m Ugly Inside and Out” Weinstein was Bernie Madoff’s mistress.

Anyone? Anyone? Remember Bernie Madoff…The guy who absconded with billions of other peoples money, ruined their lives, and is now serving the rest of his sad, sorry life in prison.

Yes, Bernie Madoff was a complete and utter asshole, prick, criminal, and fiduciary fucktard. However…

So is this Weinstein chick. She has written a book titled, “Madoff’s Other Secret”.

Give me…a fucking…break, tootsie.

Hey Sheryl, I realize that you lost everything because of him, but there was a time when you were gladly accepting his nightly deposits into your lady wallet.

He was cheating on his wife and you were cheating on your husband with him.

I understand that you were “having trouble in your marriage” because your husband had ADD (that’s a lame, yet new excuse), but I think that your hubby had ADD when he married you…‘cause man….you’re one fugly bitch…inside and out.

Holy Cow. For someone who was smart enough to bilk billions out of people, Madoff had a God-Awful choice in mistresses.

Listen honey, I understand that you are trying to recoup your losses, but outing yourself as a cheating bitch may not be the way to go…especially when you are doing it on the back and the cum stain of someone you cheated with and allegedly hate.

How deeply did you hate Madoff when you were screwing him and enjoying his money? Uh-Huh…

Go to Hell, Sheryl Weinstein, and while you’re there, suck Madoff’s dick…again.

Cheers!!

18 Kids and Counting: The Duggar Family, Huckabee, and TLC, are Freaking Me Out!!

I have mentioned that I don’t watch much TV other than news/political talk shows, sports, and Seinfeld re-runs.

I am even more out of the idiot box loop when it comes to TV reality shows. Hate em’.

Sunday night I was watching my favorite Arkansan (outside of Jay), Mike Huckabee, on FOX News.

Huckabee’s show blows, but I find it to be the Lawrence Welk Show of political punditry offerings, and seriously, watching old episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show is funny.

The Huckster had a family on his show that when I saw them, my mouth became agape…canyon-like…wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs.

The family? The Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids. I had never heard of these people.

Evidently, Jim Bob, Michelle and their 1 ½ dozen kids have a reality show on TLC…The Learning Channel. It’s called, 18 Kids and Counting, and many of you, unlike me, have heard of it.

A few things came to mind when I saw this congregation of familial fundamentalism. The first thing?

I asked out loud to no one in particular…WTF?

The second thing that came to mind? Who the hell wants to have 18 frickin’ kids? Hell, my mom and dad had nine kids and I thought they were bat-shit crazy for having that many.

The third thing that came to mind…?

Holy Shit…Michelle’s hoo-ha has to be wider than my mouth which was at the time of that thought, lying on the floor approximately 5’7” below my incredibly kissable, yet quivering top lip.

The Huckster interviewed Jim Bob, Michelle and the rest of the Cirque du Duggars, and it became apparent that they thought God was responsible for this ginormous born-again family.

Prayer, God’s blessings, and home schooling led to this gargantuan family that is only a kicker and punter short of a starting football roster.

I don’t fucking think so. God had nothing to do with this.

The God I know would not permit a man from Arkansas named Jim Bob to produce 18 kids with a chick named Michelle who is neither his mom, sister, and/or cousin. Arkansas should now and forever be known as, The Un-Natural State.

God would also not allow the parents to name all 18 kids with a name that starts with the letter “J”.

In honor of God’s son, the J-Man, there is a Joy…a Joshua…and a Jeremiah. How hopeful and biblical. There is also an older daughter named, Jinger. Jinger? With a J?
I went to the Duggar Family website...

Jinger’s favorite hobby is riding horses. I think that between the name Jinger and her penchant for riding horses, I see a pole dancing and/or porn career in Jinger’s future.

Where I am going with all of this? I have no idea. But I do know a couple of things…

A couple who produces 18 kids, is pretty damn crazy.

In fact, Jim Bob and Michelle having 18 kids makes them twice as crazy as my parents.

I know one other thing as well…

Home Schooling may teach a person a helluva lot about Creationism but it doesn’t teach a person one damn thing about birth control.

Cheers!!

Taxes, Tea Parties, and FOX News

Well it’s Tax Day, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Sharpen those pencils, get out the calculators, and mail those tax returns in. Or…

Go to the nearest Teabag Party!!

That’s right…

A bi-partisan group of individuals, (read, right-wing "visionaries" such as Dick Armey, Grover Norquist, and Newt Gingrich) is throwing “grassroots”, anti-tax, anti-socialism, anti-Obama demonstrations, known as tea parties, across the country today.

And guess who will be giving protesting inbreds across America wall-to-wall coverage? That’s right…FOX News!!

Of course, FOX News claims they are not promoting these Teabag orgies. They are just simply covering four of these events because it’s hard news.

FOX’s Cavuto, Beck, Hannity, and Van Sustern will be tea bagging live for your viewing enjoyment!!

I’ll be at work, but I hope to catch the replay of Glenn Beck’s appearance at the teabag party in San Antonio. Hell, Ted Nugent is going to play the National Anthem at that one.

Beck and Nugent will tea bagging each other, baby. Who will be the tea bagger and the tea baggee, I’m unsure.

I mean Teddy has that long flowing, girly hair, and yet Beck, like a woman, cries on cue and wants everyone to look into his eyes. I think those two tea bagging is more akin to train wreck-like chick on chick action.

The whole tea party idea is based on the 1773 event in which Americans protested British taxation by pouring tea into Boston Harbor.

“No taxation without representation!!”, they clamored. Who among these protesters don’t have representation? And…

What increase in taxes are they clamoring about? I think we are still under the tax rates of the Bush administration, aren’t we?

I know Obama wants to raise the tax rates on the very top income earners, but even then, his top rate will still be 10% less than it was during the Reagan Administration.

So…um…what? Okay, maybe their message is about keeping America from becoming a Socialist state. I can see that…

I mean before we know it, we’ll have unemployment insurance, Medicare, Social Security, Rural Electrification, free/reduced school lunches, and one day we may wake up and the entire Tennessee Valley will be under some type of Authority!!

Oh the Humanity!!

Yeah, I think they may have missed the Federally subsidized bus on the socialism thing. Of course that does leave these folks and FOX News with one other angle…

Bash Obama!!

These tea bagging parties could very well end up turning into anti-Obama rallies, the likes that have never been seen.

Obama’s reputation may be forever sullied on a nationwide scale as men teabag with men…women teabag with women, and children teabag with their parents.

But wait just a minute…

Perhaps that is exactly what President Obama wants. After all…

A guy who is an Uber-Liberal, America-Hating, Kenyan Born, Muslim and who was elected President of the United States would want all of that free perverted tea bagging going on.

It keeps the masses distracted and spent, and leaves Obama free to ruin the country.

Damn…Obama is one smart, bad ass, frickin’ genius.

Cheers!!

Update (12:45): In the Heart of the Boston Tea Party...Fox News reports that the, and I quote, "The Fascist budget" has drawn hundreds to the Tea Bagging Party in Boston...

Glenn Beck: It's April Tool Day!!

I had a hilarious post about abortion in the works for today, and then it dawned on me…

Today is April 1st, and we all know what today is…That’s right!!

Glenn Beck Day!!

Oh sure you may think today is April Fools’ Day, but in the World of Bagwine, I have taken tom foolery to the nth degree and deemed it, Glenn Beck Day.

Who better to represent the fools in our country? Damn straight. Nobody. Glenn “Slugnutty” Beck is the Pied Piper of Fools.

Ol’ Glenn has been around for awhile. He’s worked in radio, written books, had a show on CNN, and now is spewing his supreme goofiness to the masses via the FOX News Network.

If you are unfamiliar with the Beck-Tard click HERE. It will take you to a You Tube page full of videos teeming with some of Beck’s most hilarious work.

Oh Baby!! He’s a hoot. He loves himself. He emotes quite a bit, and let me tell you folks…

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can fake cry, while pleading with the viewer to look into his eyes like the Beck-Tard.

For a guy who hates Muslims, Mexicans, Katrina victims, and anyone who doesn’t share his views, he is one sensitive son of a bitch.

He is also, the penultimate American.

He is George Washington, Joe McCarthy, and Lee Greenwood rolled into one.

Hell, with all of his fake crying and if he wears lacy, women’s panties like I think he does, throw a little Tammy Faye Bakker into the Beck-Tard mix as well.

In fact, Glenn has begun a “non-political” movement/group called the, 9-12 Project. Here’s the mission statement:

The 9-12 Project is designed to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001. The day after America was attacked we were not obsessed with Red States, Blue States or political parties. We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the greatest nation ever created.

That same feeling – that commitment to country is what we are hoping to foster with this idea. We want to get everyone thinking like it is September 12th, 2001 again.

That is so warm…so American…so full of shit coming from a guy like Beck, who said this:

“It took me about a year to start hating 9/11 victim families…When I see them, I say, ‘Oh shut up.’…They are always complaining.”

God Bless You, Glenn Beck, you magnificent nut job, you. You make me laugh. You’re my favorite fool and my favorite tool.

I chuckle when you say things like:

“Believe in something. Even if it’s wrong. Believe in something.”

Ya mean like your 9-12 Project, Beck-Tard?

He is a fool…or is he? Hell, he’s making some big time cash. He has millions of viewers and listeners, and is idolized by many God-Fearin’ ‘Murricans.

Perhaps it isn’t Glenn Beck that is the fool here.

Perhaps it is the people who take him and his goofy antics and blathering seriously.

After all, it is Glenn Beck who also says the following:

“As I say on the air all the time, '…if you take what I say as gospel, you're an idiot.' "

Happy April Fools’ Day to all, especially those mouth breathers who adore the Beck-Tard, all the while being called, idiots.

Cheers!!

I Love the Fox News Channel!!

Sunday after work, I popped open a couple of beers and watched Huckabee on the Fox News Channel.

Good ol’ Gov. Mike Huckabee…He has his own show at 8 o’clock on Fox on Sunday nights. Why do I watch it?

My favorite genre of entertainment is unintentional comedy.

While Huck is not as funny as those comedians, Brian “Duhhhhh” Kilmeade, Steve “Whatever You Say, Mr. Ailes” Doocy, and Gretchen “Uber-Vacuous” Carlson on Fox and Friends in the morning...

His show does provides me with a chortle or two.

As I watched, my mind became overcome with a series of random thoughts. Shall I impart them to you? I shall…

First up on the show was Jonathan Krohn. He’s a 13 year old little dweeb who spoke at CPAC on the same bill as Rush “I Downed Three OxyContin and Ate Kirstie Alley for Dinner ” Limbaugh.

Little Johnny has written a book, Define Conservatism. He’s done a plethora of talk shows. He’s been described as a prodigy.

I describe him as a little right-wing shit who is never going to kiss a girl, go to a school dance, or enjoy good ol’ American porn…

I mean, unless it’s porn involving Rev. Ted Haggard and/or Mark Foley.

He’s a semi-professional child actor whose mom found an angle, and on top of that…he plays the cello AND the banjo. Can you say, weenie?

Dude, my advice to you?

Politics can wait. While you’re young…go to a school football game with a hot teen chick, and feel her blossoming boobies underneath the bleachers.

If you continue down the path you're on, you’ll end up a bitter old wife beater.

Speaking of which…

The Huckster’s next guest was Denise Brown. Gack!! Blah, blah, I lost my sister. Blah, blah, it hurts. Blah, blah…I need some face time.

Ick. Yeah, it was a tragedy that OJ walked away, but girl?

You are nothing more than a opportunist, and the psychologist in me thinks you were jealous of Nicole.

It’s nice that after her death, you started a foundation that “promotes the awareness” of domestic violence but seriously…

1998 tax records show that your foundation only gave away 3.6% of what it took in. And on average, your group at best, gives back 36%. Pfffffft. Go Away, you suck.

Lastly, during the Huckster’s show, I had an epiphany due to a commercial for the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept.

I was thinking…Alzheimer’s does have its benefits for both victim and family.

If I had Alzheimer’s Disease, I could have sex with Schmoop and I wouldn’t know that it was her. It would be like having sex with a different woman every night.

I have always thought erroneously that I am a stud muffin, but in this case, at least in my mind, I actually would be!!

And for Schmoop? She could feed me baloney sandwiches every night, and tell me the next day that I had steak for dinner.

It’s a win-win.

Even more so for her because, instead of actually having sex with me, she could tell me that we did and I wouldn’t know any better.

Oh sure, I’d wonder why my balls were engorged, and my prostate was backing up, but hell…

I’d just blame it on a side effect from the Aricept.

Cheers!!

Jeebus Ahead...Next Three Exits

With December 25th just days away, the Messiah has communicated to us all again at long last.

In his divine way he is putting his message out to the masses in the form of…

Billboards…In of all places, Ohio.

Who knew that when Jeebus decided to speak to us he would do it via billboards in the Youngstown, Ohio area?

The purchasers of the billboards, Joanne Brown and Linda Bennett…

Were able, through some kind of Messianic magic, to interpret and place the words of the Holy Baby Jeebus onto several billboards, or as I call them...

Christvertisements, throughout northeast Ohio.

The Heaven to Highway messages from the Holy J-Man include, “It’s Okay To Say Merry Christmas.” and “I Miss Hearing You Say Merry Christmas.”

Each message is signed by the Christ child hizz-self. Praise be to GAWD, and please merge carefully.

This billboard epiphany occurred to these two nay bobs after feeling dissed when shopping last year and hearing people say unto them, “Happy Holidays”.

Hey, if these ladies and their contributors want to put up these boards, have at it, but c’mon, attributing these sayings to something Jeebus would promote if he were on Earth?

"We feel that Jesus wants to be honored with 'Merry Christmas,'" said Bennett, according to Fox News.

Oh Baby, I don’t think so, Mizz Bennett. He would cringe at what takes place during “his birthday”.

Hell if he saw you and your buddy Joanne shopping last year in his honor, he would probably tell you both, “Hey bitches, leave me out of this unholy greed-fest.”

And then…he’d beat the hell out of every money changer selling iPods and Wiis in his name. If the crowds don’t trample them first. Word.

I have an idea though. Let’s put this phrase rage to rest.

Let’s encourage stores and marketing firms to not only say, “Merry Christmas”, let’s attach Jeebus’s image to the Christmas sales displays.

Yeah, I think that’s pretty hip. What say you guys? Joanne Brown…Linda Bennett? You say you don’t like my idea? You think it’s offensive?

Hey, just trying to keep Christ in Christmas. It’s no different than what you two are doing.

And isn’t that what his birthday is all about…Celebrating his special day by going to stores, hearing the words, “Merry Christmas”, and buying presents for everyone but him?

I say Merry Christmas to others. Others say the same to me, but I appreciate a friend or a stranger saying Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings to me as well.

In Jeebus-like fashion, this is often a time of good will, friendship, joyous times with our families. But let’s keep this time in perspective.

From the Christmas Tree, to the mistletoe, to the brand new HDTV miraculously delivered by Santa…

This is also a very secular event. And…there’s nothing wrong with that.

Can’t we just acknowledge that, and celebrate both without pressure, proselytizing, and boycotts?

I hope Joanne, Linda and others like them think about that when opening their brand new toys this Christmas.

Tomorrow…We look at Kwanzaa. Oh yeah.

Cheers!!

Veteran's Day: Our Unsung Hero

Today is Veteran’s Day.

A day when we honor those who have served in the defense of this great country.

We celebrate those who have served in not only peace time, but those who served in every American war from the Revolution to those now serving in Iraq and in Afghanistan.

As it should be…however, there is man fighting a war that should be recognized on this day as well, especially since we are entering the Christmas Holiday season.

That man? Bill O’Reilly. The Five-Star of Bethlehem General in the War on Christmas.

O’Reilly has been, for a few years now, waging war against the godless armies of secularism and political correctness and their attempts to perform a post-partum abortion on the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

His attacks against those who would dare attempt to rip apart the fabric of our Christian way of life, have been courageous, forthright, and for him, quite profitable.

John McCain? Sarah Palin? Mavericks? Pfffft. The real maverick is Bill O’Reilly. And he’s not just any maverick; he’s a Messianic Messiah.

O’Reilly will berate, castigate, and intimidate any department store chain that doesn’t allow their workers to say, “Merry Christmas” to the gift buying shoppers.

He will denunciate any school district that dares to hold a winter pageant rather than a Christmas play that involves awkwardly spoken lines by elementary school kids being heard by parents who would rather be at home knocking one off.

He is Patton, Santa Claus, and St. Peter rolled into one.

And his words, like that of a bell at Midnight Mass ring true…

“See, I think it's (The War on Christmas) all part of the secular progressive agenda…If you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage…”

This War on Christmas is a bloody one, but he will be the first to tell you that, there are no atheists in FOX-News holes.

In spite of all of our 43 (and now 44) Presidents being Christians, he knows that this attack on the birthday of the Baby Jeebus is just the latest in a series of persecutions upon the Christian faith in America.

On this Veteran’s Day, I salute you Bill O’Reilly and say to you, “Keep on fighting the good fight.”

If the power was vested in me, I would award O’Reilly not only the Congressional Medal of Holiness, but the Distinguished Marketing Cross as well.

Happy Veteran's Day, All.

Cheers!!