Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Gold, Matt-Man, Gold!!

It’s going to be a wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will be filled with plenty of squeegee action in between customers.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…I was thinking about my comedy act and I thought...


“Ya know, I could do a half hour or so just on the people I work with and not have to make anything up.”

Take our fearless and intrepid owner, Drive-By Mikey…

No, he’s not sleeping. He’s thinking. We never know what he is thinking about. We don’t want to know, because we’re certain whatever he’s thinking about is dark and disturbing.

Mikey has never made a mistake in his life and he’ll be the first to tell you that. He often says to me, “Matt-Man…being perfect is not all it’s cracked up to be, but I am what I am.”

Over his years of owning the Beer Mine, he has set the benchmark for customer service. His philosophy on that is defined by what he tells our customers when they gripe about paying $1.55 for a bottle Pepsi:

“If you don’t like our prices, Speedway’s down the street.”

Mutual respect from the customers towards him is evident as well, as I am often asked:

“Where the hell’s your dickhead boss.” or “Tell that owner of yours that he ain’t worth a shit.”

Mike is just as kind and concerned towards his employees.

When he did an inventory of all of our products a few months ago, there were very few things that were off. He praised us all by saying:

“The inventory was really good. It proves that you guys are getting better at stealing from me.” So warm, so human, so Mikey.

Mikey is also a farmer. He grows wheat, beans, corn, whatever and raises pigs as well. In fact right now, he is probably either feeding his pigs or fucking them. Ol’ Mikey is a wealth of material in waiting.

Of course I work with good ol’ Pizza Bill too…

Now Billy Boy makes a great pizza…

But…Bill is also a magician.

He can make cash and rolls of dimes disappear. That’s why his other nickname is, Five Dollar Bill. He’s also called Counterfeit Bill because he knows what one looks like. Well, at least he does now.

Bill doesn’t like the cold weather. He complains about it…of course he doesn’t like the hot weather either.

When it gets hot, he complains about getting, “ass chap.” I’m not sure what ass chap is, but it sounds like a combination of anal warts and a yeast infection.

We keep very regular hours but if some day you come to the Beer Mine during regular hours and the place is shut up for an hour or so, it’s because Pizza Bill is working but he had to close the doors in order to go to the bathroom and take a dump.

He also has a nice wife and cute kids, which to me proves two things. Some women sell themselves short and kids can still turn out well in spite of who their father is.

I also work with Dan…

Now Dan only works now and then. In fact I don’t know if he is still going to fill in at the Beer Mine. Maybe he’ll be back when the weather is warmer in case Pizza Bill’s ass chap flares up.

I do know one thing about Danny Boy. He melts and loses his senses at the sight of big busted chicks who are under 21.

Lastly, there is Little Bill. He works a day and a half a week during the warm months. He doesn’t work for us in the winter…mainly because he’s a big pussy.

Just kidding. He’s a nice guy, but there is something about him that makes us wonder something…

Is Little Bill on drugs all the time, or should he be on drugs all the time? He just ain’t right. Oddly enough, I have no picture of Little Bill, but I do have a short video of him, so enjoy…


With all of that out of the way I will say, Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and as I slave away today, please say a prayer for me that after all of those I have mentioned today read this post, I still have a job come Monday.

If I don't, at least I'll still have plenty of material.

Cheers!!

22 comments:

boo said...

Somehow, I have absolutely no doubt that you could spin a tale about each of these characters that would have me rolling around on the floor in hysterics. Then again, hysterical floor rolling is something I'm a wee bit prone to. Have fun at the Beer Mines!

Jeff B said...

I'm betting Drive-by Mikey is thinking about shagging the babe in the picture pasted to the head liner of his car that he downloaded from a porn site the night before.

Matt-Man said...

Boo: Ha. I've only scratched the surface with these guys. They are nuts, and that's why I dig 'em. Cheers and enjoy the floor rolling, Boo!!

Mike said...

I like Dan. He remains cool and calm showing you his new shirt while there's a trailer on fire right behind him.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. The only porn he looks at is what he downloads from the Farm Bureau website. It usually involves really hot looking swine. Cheers Jeff!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha Ha. Good one. That's actually a BBQ pit that was was up for the weekend last summer. Cheers Mike!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Is that a bbq smoker back there?

So is Danny on duty to weed out the under 21-ers who try to buy? LOL

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Yes. That is indeed a smoker that was puttin' out chicken and ribs. We gots it all.

And Dan? Um...yeah you could say that. Cheers D!!

Dana said...

I'm thinking flashing their pictures up on your blog was your only downfall ... or it was a brilliant way of ensuring you start your comedy act soon!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Yeah I;m trying something new. It's called, self-destructive impetus. Cheers Dana!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I think that we’ve all worked with the exact same cast of characters disguised in different bodies. If you even look at 'The Office' it’s always the same personalities in some form. It doesn’t matter if it’s blue collar, white collar, the mob or the government.

Hahahaha, Bud light huh?

Michele said...

Have a great day. Try to stay away from Mikey. He sounds very indiscriminate.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: No doubt. I have worked with plenty of characters but these goofballs are quite endearing. Or something. Cheers Scott!!

Michele: Mike is a mess who has more OCD than I do, but he's actually the best boss I have ever had. Cheers Michele!!

Jay said...

When I was in college I had a roommate who worked the overnight shift at 7-11. Every night around 4 am, he would lock the doors and go take his daily dump. He said someone would come up and bang on the doors virtually ever single night. I think he and Pizza Dave might be related. haha

Candice said...

$1.55 for a bottle of Pepsi? People really like taking it up the ass in Ohio huh?

;)

Four Dinners said...

But are you all in the union?

It's important you know!

Union reps like me need to make a living...;-)

(well...allright..I ain't now..but I was!)

Micky-T said...

Straight from the heart.....

stick with politics and sports celebrities, not the average Joe, unless you want to talk about whether or not they crumple their toilet paper or fold it. If your going to make jokes about Joe, talk the talk that no one ever mentions.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Maybe they are related. Pizza Bill called me today. He was "overjoyed" with his tribute. Cheers Jay!!

Candice: Some do. But not nearly enough. Cheers Candice!!

Four: We have something in common. I was a Union Staff Rep for almost five years. Cheers FD!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Don't you worry. I have had politics going through my head all day. Cheers Mick!!

Robin F. said...

Well somehow I feel as if I've just watched an episode of King of the Hill. I don't know why... I just do...hahahaha... as usual Matt reading your posts is like a breath of fresh air. Carry on the greatness!

Ilyssa said...

ROFLMAO! Little Bill needs

You made an amazing guess, ass chap IS exactly what you said plus some rugburn...ask my neighbor Shane.

Love Ya Matt-Man! Keep it coming! (make whatever you want outta THAT!)

Ilyssa said...

OOps! Lil Bill needs POT! LOTS of it, like 2 45 gallon trash bags! BTW this is Isobel, my laptop crashed...