Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Gold, Matt-Man, Gold!!

It’s going to be a wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will be filled with plenty of squeegee action in between customers.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…I was thinking about my comedy act and I thought...

“Ya know, I could do a half hour or so just on the people I work with and not have to make anything up.”

Take our fearless and intrepid owner, Drive-By Mikey…

No, he’s not sleeping. He’s thinking. We never know what he is thinking about. We don’t want to know, because we’re certain whatever he’s thinking about is dark and disturbing.

Mikey has never made a mistake in his life and he’ll be the first to tell you that. He often says to me, “Matt-Man…being perfect is not all it’s cracked up to be, but I am what I am.”

Over his years of owning the Beer Mine, he has set the benchmark for customer service. His philosophy on that is defined by what he tells our customers when they gripe about paying $1.55 for a bottle Pepsi:

“If you don’t like our prices, Speedway’s down the street.”

Mutual respect from the customers towards him is evident as well, as I am often asked:

“Where the hell’s your dickhead boss.” or “Tell that owner of yours that he ain’t worth a shit.”

Mike is just as kind and concerned towards his employees.

When he did an inventory of all of our products a few months ago, there were very few things that were off. He praised us all by saying:

“The inventory was really good. It proves that you guys are getting better at stealing from me.” So warm, so human, so Mikey.

Mikey is also a farmer. He grows wheat, beans, corn, whatever and raises pigs as well. In fact right now, he is probably either feeding his pigs or fucking them. Ol’ Mikey is a wealth of material in waiting.

Of course I work with good ol’ Pizza Bill too…

Now Billy Boy makes a great pizza…

But…Bill is also a magician.

He can make cash and rolls of dimes disappear. That’s why his other nickname is, Five Dollar Bill. He’s also called Counterfeit Bill because he knows what one looks like. Well, at least he does now.

Bill doesn’t like the cold weather. He complains about it…of course he doesn’t like the hot weather either.

When it gets hot, he complains about getting, “ass chap.” I’m not sure what ass chap is, but it sounds like a combination of anal warts and a yeast infection.

We keep very regular hours but if some day you come to the Beer Mine during regular hours and the place is shut up for an hour or so, it’s because Pizza Bill is working but he had to close the doors in order to go to the bathroom and take a dump.

He also has a nice wife and cute kids, which to me proves two things. Some women sell themselves short and kids can still turn out well in spite of who their father is.

I also work with Dan…

Now Dan only works now and then. In fact I don’t know if he is still going to fill in at the Beer Mine. Maybe he’ll be back when the weather is warmer in case Pizza Bill’s ass chap flares up.

I do know one thing about Danny Boy. He melts and loses his senses at the sight of big busted chicks who are under 21.

Lastly, there is Little Bill. He works a day and a half a week during the warm months. He doesn’t work for us in the winter…mainly because he’s a big pussy.

Just kidding. He’s a nice guy, but there is something about him that makes us wonder something…

Is Little Bill on drugs all the time, or should he be on drugs all the time? He just ain’t right. Oddly enough, I have no picture of Little Bill, but I do have a short video of him, so enjoy…

With all of that out of the way I will say, Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and as I slave away today, please say a prayer for me that after all of those I have mentioned today read this post, I still have a job come Monday.

If I don't, at least I'll still have plenty of material.

Cheers!!