I Like Mascots And Donuts, But Gloria Allred Is A Khunt

I usually reserve my more hodgepodgical posts for Hump Day as I am a fan of alliteration but I shall break tradition and parlay some various thoughts and bon mots upon you today instead.

I guess we shall consider today, Mélange Monday. Mmmkay?

Some of you may know that my son Ryno plays on his High School Junior Varsity Basketball team.

He is one of the two starting forwards and will end up as their leading rebounder this year when the season comes to an end after tonight‘s game.

However…Ryno pulled double duty during this year’s season.

During home games this year, after Ryan was finished toiling and sweating on the court with his JV teammates he would don his school’s lion mascot suit and perform as the mascot for the varsity games.

Damn right…Ryan the Lion. He digs it. And why is that? He explains as follows…

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

Here’s to Ryno…He is definitely his father’s son, although his ego may even be bigger than mine. It’s a toss-up at this point.

Schmoop went to the grocery this past Thursday. She was very kind and bought things I could eat without breaking my Lenten promise to eat no bread. She even knew that, oddly, I have had a sweet tooth of late.

So, what did she buy for me to feed this rare occurrence? Donuts!! Donuts, folks!! Hello…Deep fried what? That’s right…Deep Fried Bread!! Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph, people.

She says that it was an assident. Uh-Huh…She’s the fucking devil trying to tempt me. If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life.

But it’s okay…I have a defense.

I have set up the cabinet in which the donuts sit in a way that will prevent me from eating them…

Damn right, Bitches…Dashboard Jeebus will guard against me slacking from my commitment.

Oh I just had an extemporaneous thought…Is there a bigger fricking whore in world than Gloria Allred? I don’t fucking think so. God, she’s a khunt.

I am not a big celebrant of Birthdays but today is one very special Birthday…um…day. A great American who is responsible in great part for who we United Staters are today.

No, not George Washington. Washington was gay. Hell, George and Bend-a-Dick Arnold use to go down on each other behind the stables before Arnold cheated on him with Major Andre and was deemed a traitor.

No folks…I am talking about one Scott Oglesby who authors the very funny, Zodi’s Blog. Ol’ Scotty turns 37 today.

Scott no longer lives in the States; he lives in Spain. But I won’t hold that against him. I just figure he wanted to move to a country where it was socially acceptable to bathe in olive oil and take a nap six times a day.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Scott. I even gave a present to Scott without his knowledge..

Last night, I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex with the Donut-Buying Devil that is Schmoop , and I had her call me “Scott” the entire time.

I hope you could feel it last night Scott. It’s the least I could do for you, and on top of that?

I figure now since I did that for you, the next time I have sex with Schmoop she’ll let me call her, "Tyra."

Cheers!!

Well There Ya Go...

Okay folks…

I am giving up bread and pasta, and the such for Lent, but evidently that isn’t good enough for a handful of you.

I hate to punch down, but in this case I feel the need.

So, this an open letter to those of you who feel I am not giving up enough…

Dear Head Up Your Ass,

You are bordering on the brink of taking every little bit of fun out of Lent. Yes, I know I’m not Catholic, but I do so enjoy this time of year.

And…

It pleases me. I enjoy showing some self-discipline. However, I have none where jerks are concerned.

Especially ones who have some uber-competitive feelings toward me. (For whatever reason)

Listen…I have been told in the past that fish was meat when I was giving up meat…blah blah blah, by you and others.

WTF?

Who the fuck are you to tell me what I give up and what I don’t? That’s right…no one.

I have held these feelings back for awhile, but this year I am not only purging my body of bread, I am purging it of folks who have unfounded issues with me.

If you have issues with me, don’t say, “we”…don’t say “us”. I’ll address any issue and take criticism better than anyone.

Stand Up, Man…

Cheers!!

Using Another's Path Doesn't Make You A Follower

“I got to say, you get absolutely no support from me. It's not that I don't want to see you succeed in your own personal sacrifice (that's a good thing) but to do it when the church is doing it, that's sucking up to the church…” --Micky-T

My buddy Mick uttered those words in a comment to me yesterday as I began my 46 day long Lenten sacrifice of not eating bread, pasta, etc.

I was slightly amused at first, because I know how Mick hates the Catholic Church and many religious things in general. And…that’s cool, the Mick-Man is his own man and a good guy.

I thoughtfully pondered his comment. Within my mind Mick’s comment raised a good point, but not the one which he had initially proffered.

Allow me to ‘splain…

Four years ago I began giving up meat for Lent. Well, that had become easy and lacked challenge. I almost looked forward to it, because it offered me an opportunity to come up with off the wall meatless recipes for six weeks a year.

So this year, I opted for giving up bread, pasta, and the like…and that’s where we are today.

Of course…that doesn’t answer the question of why I began doing this, nor does it address the concerns raised by the aforementioned Mick.

Back in 2005, before I even began this site, I had ballooned up to 270 pounds and started dieting. Four years ago, I still weighed some 225 pounds. I had hit my wall. I couldn’t lose anymore weight.

I had just gotten my Driver’s License in February of '06 and I hated the picture on it. My head was incredible evidence of how big I had gotten, and I didn‘t like it. In fact, I hated myself. So…

Lent was drawing nigh and I thought…What can I do to push myself over this wall of weight stalemate? And then it dawned on me.

Lent is coming up, I’ll give up meat for those six weeks and eat healthier. I managed to make it through the first Lent and continued the same the sacrifice up to this year.

Today I weigh 173 pounds, and as far as that part of my life goes, I dig it.

I weigh less than I did in High School, although the weight has shifted since then, and I had more teeth and hair, so I still looked better in High School than I do today, but nonetheless…

But, it goes far beyond the weight thing. When my No Knead for the Devil Tour is done come Easter, I will feel better about myself because I accomplished something.

You see…I’m pretty smart, fairly creative, and a hard worker, but I lack discipline. I’m a big picture kinda guy who says, “Fuck the details.”

Using Lent as a timeline to get something done gives me structure for at least part of the year, and it affords me the opportunity to know that if I put my mind to something I can get it done.

It’s not at all about the Catholic Church, but it does in a roundabout way have something to do with religious teachings.

How can I, as it is written in Leviticus, love thy neighbor as thy self, if I don’t love myself? How can I do unto others, as the Sermon on the Mount teaches us, if I don’t want to do a damn thing myself?

No, this has nothing to do with any church, Catholic or otherwise. This is all about making myself a better person. A stronger person. A person who can answer the call when met with change and challenge.

And yes…it really is that simple. I like doing it for myself.

Before I go, I want to post a video for Clay Perry. He made me laugh last night and he digs Schmoop so here it is…

A Half Naked Thursday video that Schmoop and I did a year or so ago. She’s uber-cute at the very end. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Lent 2010: No Knead for the Devil

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t any more. Bread that is.

Lent has begun and I shall not eat any bread, pasta, or bread related products until Easter Morning.

This 46 day trek through the frightening, desolate, and crust-less wilderness has begun for yours truly.

Weep not for me.

Instead of your tears offer me hope, encouragement, and if at all possible, if you’re a hot babe, naked pictures of yourselves in order to distract me during this time of toast-less tribulation.

If you can do that for me and along with my own belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus, I shall be strong and will be able to say:

"Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Bread, I shall fear no piece of toast…no loaf of garlic bread, no steaming plate of macaroni and cheese…deep fried or otherwise."

I will stand with courage in the face of the leavened loaf and the palate tempting pasta.

I shall not be a slave to the tempting demands of a bowl of Chicken Noodle soup on a cold winter’s day. I shall not labor under the taunting of an onion bun that cradles a juicy hamburger.

I will not supplicate myself to the steamy soup and only after removing the burger from its bondage of the bun will I ingest it.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I had my fill of bread last night. Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish may have sated my stomach, but not my soul.

Today there is no bread…no manna from heaven for me; but feel no sorrow…for I am feasting on the body of Christ.

For the next 46 days, Jeebus will be the bun of my burger, the toast with my eggs…the mac-daddy in my cheese.

My belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus will be what separates my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s breaded soullessness.

And my friends…I am not alone. For there is another amongst us who will be seeking salvation through sacrifice.

Yes indeed…As he did last year, the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be joining me in this 46 days of self-flagellation self denial.

Jay will be doing what he calls, Junkless 4 Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo. This brave and yearning soul will be giving up Junk Food, Soft Drinks, and…Alcohol. Holy Cow!!

Godspeed Jay…You do your Boogaloo and I’ll endure my No Knead for the Devil Tour. Together we will succeed and people will, in awe, be asking…

"Why the fuck did a guy who hasn’t been a Catholic in twenty years and one who has never been a Catholic give up all that shit for Lent?"

The answer comes from Jeebus’ mouth to my ear…

"Cuz they’re Matt-Man and Jay, Bitches!!"

Cheers!!