Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gary Gardenhire: Idle Hands Are The Matt-Man's Playground

Hee Hee...Oh were to begin..?

Monday at 8:54 A.M. I received the following e-mail from one, Gary Gardenhire:

Oh, Matt-Man, I would so love to ruminate with you, but I just don't think I have the intellectual gifts necessary to give you a good ruminating. You are so obviously brilliant.

By the way, Matt-Man, I see one of your "interests" (q.v. listed in my blog profile) -- gee you have so many neat interests -- is being a horses' ass. Wouldn't it be more accurate given your Buckeye brilliance to say that you look like a horse's ass, more particularly one without any hair on it?

At first I thought

“Why is the manager of the Minnesota Twins saying awful things about me?”

And then I realized…The name of the Twins manager is RON Gardenhire, not Gary. So, I asked aloud,


“Who the fuck is Gary Gardenhire and why is he peeing all over me?”

I put the crack Bagwine staff to work in order to find out who the hell Gary W. Gardenhire is. It turns out Gary Gardenhire has quite the lengthy and impressive resume.

He is a decorated army officer who served for 36 years, an attorney, and a dedicated public servant for the State of Oklahoma.

He was an Oklahoma State Senator, Chief Counsel for their Dept. of Health, and served some time as Assistant Attorney General, Chief of the Civil Division.

He is, of course, a heap big mug wump in the Oklahoma Republican Party.

He may still practice law, but Gary recently retired from all of that Oklahoma State government and military stuff, so I guess he has some extra time on his hands.

And guess what friends… I know exactly what Gary wants to do with those idle hands of his.

You see…the reason Gary Gardenhire chanced by my site and ultimately my blog profile was that he typed in a Google search that contained the following:

Alisyn Camerota Spanked

That search took him of course to the following post of mine: Alisyn Camerota Is Hot and I Love Her

Now, I dig any guy who wants to spank Alisyn Camerota and him being a Republican and wanting to get down and nasty with a FOX News babe makes perfect sense, but Gary is a man of deep irony.

First of all, while he wants to spank Alisyn Camerota, has at least one son, and may or may not be married, he’s probably gay.

After all, as the movie An Officer and a Gentleman teaches us, “Only two things come from Oklahoma, steers and queers.”


And I don’t see any horns on Gardenhire in his picture below. I guess Gary is not into those traditional family values that GOP’ers so often talk about.

Secondly…His last position in the U.S. Army ran from 2001-2003. He served with the 75th Division as Chief of Staff for Intelligence and Security.

Now don’t ya think that a guy in intelligence would know that I could find out about his desire to spank Alisyn Camerota in about two seconds using the magical tubes that are the internets?

The final irony? This (at least on paper) well educated man read my blog…read my profile…and yes, saw into my soul.

And yet…

After reading my site he failed to realize the most important thing…

I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

For your amusement and mine information…

I’ve e-mailed Mr. Gardenhire and informed him that he is the special Bagwine guest on today’s post, so…

If any of you hot babes (or guys) want to let Gary know how much you’d like to engage in a spanking session with him, feel free to leave your always ass-tronomical remarks in the comments today.

I bet Gary Boy will dig it.

Cheers!!

35 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

LMAO, I'll pass on this guy, Matty. I'm not really into Republicans.

Why did he feel the need to email you and tell you that you look like horse's ass? Shouldn't he be out there trying to ruin the country with all the rest of them? Oh yeah, he's retired.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. I have no idea why he felt compelled to e-mail me, but I'm glad he did.

When he pointed out my brilliance and lack of hair in his email, I emailed him back this morning and praised him for his grasp of the obvious. I have sinced emailed him letting him know "he's up". Cheers D!!

Jay said...

"Oh, Matt-Man, I would so love to ruminate with you, but I just don't think I have the intellectual gifts necessary to give you a good ruminating."

By "ruminate" he means "have sex" and by "intellectual gifts" he means "a big enough willy."

I'm just guessing here of course. I'm just figuring that he spends some time in the men's restroom with Larry Craig. ;-)

Anyway, I'm always impressed with people who are good at using euphemisms.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hee Hee. I thought the same damn thing. In fact, as he spent 36 years in the Army, maybe he was the guy who gave impetus to the "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. Family Values, Baby. Cheers Jay!!

Michele said...

OMG! I loved the post then Jay commented and I laughed my head off.

It sounds like Mr. Gardenhire needs to be spanked but it sounds like he'd enjoy it too much.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. Jay's the man and he nailed it. The man is obviously gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). But seriously...wouldn't he be better off with Ted Haggard rather than Alisyn Camerota? Cheers Michele!!

Christie said...

Alisyn Camerota is pretty hot- I love it when she's on Red Eye :)
(my husband has a thing for Patti Ann Brown heh)

Matt-Man said...

Christie: I dig Alisyn, although lately she's been phoning it in. Not a fan of Patti Ann, but I'd love to bite down on Jane Skinner's lower lip. Cheers Christie!!

bobbybegood1 said...

WTF!! LMAO!! You just can't make this stuff up. Cheers Matty!!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Ha. I know!! It just fell right into my fricking lap. Cheers Michelle!!

Mike said...

"a spanking session with him"

Paaaaaaasssssssss.......

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I would say that I don't want to have a spanking session with him, but I think I did just spank him. Cheers Mike!!

Micky-T said...

Hey Gary, you better grow a tail to swat flies because you just opened the barn door and let out one hell of a horses ass.

Go git'm Matt!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Why thanks Mick. And see? When you call me a Horses' Ass, I truly appreciate it. Gary doesn't get it. Cheers Mick!!

Clay Perry said...

i have to respect the GOP.. they get better chicks & drugs than the democrats do.. & usually have the good sense to get away with it by not getting into fights in the bar.. but contain it all to the hotel room.. or rest stop.. or the airport stall.. or they just leave the country to do it... or get the housekeeper to pick it up for them.. but be careful... he will sick a team of attorneys on you for outing him...

"hypocrisy is the only real fruit politics can create"

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Ha...Damn you speak the truth, Clay. Bring on the attorneys. After all, much like Dems, Republicans want tort reform too, right? Eh, who am I kidding...your quote is dead on. Cheers Clay!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Dear Mr. Gary!

I wanted to personably thank you for you’re years and decades of servises to our great county! I been lovin your work a real long time! To many of this country is becoming liberal hoarmongers. These radicel bloging writters need to be stopped even if it means visiting in every single one of there blogs.

You’ve done real good godly works. You have kept us safe from the evel gun stealing, book reading, communist, dope smoking, god haten homosexuals and envoromentals. Please keep it up!

God Bless You Sir!!!!

Rebublicen 4 life!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. I knew it. Your true colors have finally been shown. Not only did I expose Mr. Gardenhire, in this searing expose I exposed you as the right wing nut job you are. I hope you and GG get together have a great time, sport. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

Oh boy Gary you are pissing against the wind here Sir. You happen to have founf the one horse's ass on the interwebz who doesn't give a flying Sooner crap about anything. Matt Man has taken on every disingenous institution in America. You think that he gives a crap about some sort of Oklahoman Larry Craig wanna be?

Matt have you given any thought to the fact that he might have been trying to pick you up?

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Thanks Doc and I dig the word, "interwebz". Hee. But you know...

I do now regret that I may have not picked up on his sexual advances, alienated him, and potentially missed out on a deep and lasting relationship with him. I feel much sorrow. Cheers Doc!!

Doc said...

Interwebz is the 13 year old girl in me yearning to get out.

(TMI??)

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Of course not...After all, to know you is to love you. Cheers Doc!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Gary, Gary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and COCKle shells
and pretty maids all in a row.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha...Poor Gary. He came to Bagwine as a chick spankin' conservative and is now known as a fancy boy, Log Cabin Republican. Oh the errors of his ways. Cheers P-Man!!

MysteryChick said...

I love it...what a maroon!

On the other hand Matt-Man you are a ROCK STAR and my own personal hero.

Plus bald(ing) men are sexy.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha...I dig the word, "maroon". It goes back to my love for Bugs Bunny. Who by the way, is the coolest creature to ever roam this Earth.

And just so you now...I'm shaving my head this week. The sexiness will ooze. Cheers Chick!!

David said...

Unlike most of your other loyal readers and ardent admirers, I would love to put your new friend Gary over a sawhorse in the barn and beat the bejebus out if his pasty white Republican ass - just as a thank you for all the wonderful things the Repubs have done to…er for America in recent years. I feel it is my patriotic duty. And if he wants to stare at or drool over a picture of Alisyn Camerota while I express my gratitude he is welcome to do so.

I missed out on military service since the Vietnam war ended before my student deferment ran out when I graduated so it really is the least I could do to properly thank such a fine officer.

Cheers Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

David: I'm sure that Gary appreciates your heart-felt and fisticuffs version of a thank you. You are a warm human being. Cheers David!!

Four Dinners said...

I have a nice bamboo cane once used by a headmaster to discipline young boys if that is of any use to him?

Gardenhire?

What an odd name.

Who would ever wish to hire a garden?

Where do you Americans get these names from?????

Inquiring minds want to know

Matt-Man said...

Four: Because you are such a swell guy, I looked it up for you. It is a family name that has its origins out in Bavaria, specifically the Nuremburg area. Cheers and Tally Ho!!

Lu' said...

Spanking OK oh wait it's not from you, ptooey then no thanks.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha...Yo are too kind. Purrrrr. Cheers Lu!!

The Covert Lover said...

Well I'm a little late so you should've shaved your head by now - where's the sexy pics!?!

Now, WTF would anyone want a spanking session with Gardenhire for? Even if you (the obvious first choice) are not available for one, surely there is a better second choice. (or third, fourth or millionth?)

Matt-Man said...

Covert: Hey Covert? I have been a bad, bad boy. Cheers Lover!!

Dana said...

Oh Gary Gardenhire ...

It's people like you that give people like me (a pseudo Republican) a bad name. I'm just trying to figure out why you calling Matt a horses ass earns you an entire blog post and when I do it I just get a "Cheers!"

Must be something about that ruminating ...