Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lent: Give Us Not Our Daily Bread

This is it folks…It’s Mardi Gras…Fat Tuesday…the last day of joy until Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morn. Lent begins tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.

And this year during Lent, instead of giving up meat for 46 days, I am giving up bread, and bread related food. For 46 long, long days…

No bread, no pasta, no mac n cheese, no bun for my burger, nothing. It’s as if I am being crucified, but instead of brutish Dagos and uptight Heebs hanging me upon the cross, I am doing it to myself. Mea Culpa.

Ironic, this entire thing…In fact, I was discussing it with Jeebus Monday night when he stopped by to wish me luck and toss back a gallon of Manischewitz (God, I hate kosher Bagwine) with me.

I said to JC:

“It’s as though our journeys are mirror images of the other’s.

My Last Supper is Tuesday and my culinary crucifixion on Wednesday start at the beginning of Lent whereas your Last Supper and crucifixion take place at the end of Lent. Pretty Wild, no?”


Jeebus laughed, and said:

“Ha. I guess that makes you the Anti-Christ, Matt-Man. Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week ladies, and gentlemen. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Damn…I’m funny, Bitch!!”

After saying, “Good luck with your breadless shit, Matt-Man.”…He patted me on the back, threw up on the cat, apologized, and left. He’s cool like that.

Anyhoo…

Today, Tuesday February 16, 2010 is the last day that I shall consume any bread until Easter Morning April 4th.

However there is a caveat. I weigh 174 pounds now. I told my BFF/OSP Schmoop, that if before Easter I hit 165, I shall once again eat bread as I do not want look to like a centerfold for Men of Auschwitz Quarterly.

But, there is some manna for me prior to this maelstrom of bread deprivation.

Thanks to my buddy Rat, as soon as I get off work tonight at seven, I am headed straight to McDonald's and purchasing fifteen dollars worth of bread wrapped grease for my Last Supper.

Quarter Pounders w/ Cheese, Filet O’ Fucking Fish, and of course…Big Macs. Oh how I love that middle section of the Big Mac bun that has grease, sauce, and a goodly and Godly dose of heaven on it.

I have no doubt that consuming these items will give me the first hard-on that I’ve had in a long time that occurs without me fondling myself. Praise Jeebus and pass the special sauce, my friends.

Enjoy your Mardi Gras…Mine will be spent consuming calories for Christ. And with that…I must reflect, gather strength for my breadless journey, and read my Bible.

I think I’ll begin with Genesis 19: 30-38. Damn, that always makes me hot.

Cheers!!

40 comments:

Mike said...

"Filet O’ Fucking Fish"

Remember when FoFF costs 75 cents? I do. I used to get 4 of them. Now I'm down to two and curse the price.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...No Kiddin'. I love em'. But c'mon what's with price of frozen fish squares? Cheers Mike!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I wish you luck, Matt. Going breadless will be tough. I bet you do drop weight fast without it. Enjoy that McD's!

Desert Rat said...

I don't think I could do it unless I used a very narrow definition of "bread." It's gonna be way fun to follow along 'cause I know your posts are gonna get crazy ass as you slip into some sort of bread-deprivation coma.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Yeah, it will be tough and you're right, if I start dropping alot, I'll start at least eating some bread a couple of times a week, so I don't look sickly. Love the Micky D's, but I could go for some Culvers too. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. I'm having pizza AGAIN tonight. I have been packing in the bread. Thanks again...I'll take pictures of my Pre-Lent orgy of oral sensation. Oh and thanks for having Mrs. A stop by. Cheers my friend!!

Jay said...

I always go for the #6 w/o onions. In fact, I might do that tomorrow for the same reason as you. Well, I'm not giving up bread, but still. haha ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...At least you'll be with me in spirit, right? RIGHT?? Cheers Jay!!

Jeff B said...

Enjoy those incestuous dreams while fondling your Big Mac.

Scott Oglesby said...

My guess is you’ll hit your 165 mark within two weeks….especially if you’re counting white rice and white pasta as well.

When I worked for the turnpike we always hung beads on the outside window for Fat Tuesday. You’d be very surprised how many we had to give away. Pleasantly surprised!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Oh I will Jeff. I'll be enjoying the bread and the incest a Lot!! Cheers Jeff!!

Scott: Rice will be okay but no, no pasta of any kind will be eaten. Lucky you. I have a couple of sets here, maybe I'll take them to work with me, but then again, I might be afraid of what I'd see. Cheers Scott!!

Dana said...

Just be careful and make sure you get some carbs via Old Milwaukee's Best. Ketosis is a very real problem with a low carb diet and your health hasn't been stellar this year.

EGADS I sound like a mother ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Between beans, wine, beer, soup I'll get the carbs I need. But I appreciate the words of concern Mom...Can Whitey, Lumpy, and I go out and play now? Cheers Dana!!

Micky-T said...

You know those Burger King fish sandwiches are WAY bigger than Mac Fish. I used to buy them for the quantity, not the quality.
Good Luck....No Dough Boy

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Yeah, the BK fish sandwich is huge, but I like the taste of the Micky D's. No Dough Bot...I like that. Cheers Mick!!

Schmoop said...

Once again, I beseech you in the name of the Holy Baby Jeebus...Pray for me!!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: What's wrong Schmoop, are you saying I'll have bread DTs and go over the edge? I stayed normal and loveable when I gave up meat for Lent...right?....RIGHT?? Cheers and Zoves, Schmoop!!

Doc said...

Praying for you (and Schmoop) Matt Man.. I hope your intestines make it to Easter!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Schmoop- I pity you... being around a low-carb dieting person is HELL. Hang on tight!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: My Lord and Savior, Jeebus Christ, will keep my intestines flowing like the River of Jordan. Cheers Doc!!

Lady: She's went through it a couple of years ago...As I recall, she really enjoyed it. Okay she hated it, but this time will be better...or not. Cheers D!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I do not envy you eating a BLT...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Actually P-Man it's not that hard. Instead of using bread I'd use two big leaves of lettuce as the bread and the bacon and tomato would be the "innards" of the sandwich. It's quite refreshing. That's how I'll eat burgers as well. Lettuce as bread. Cheers P-Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I give up bread for Lent too. A few years ago, I was down to 110lbs (I'm 5 foot 9) before Easter and people begged me to eat a sandwich. LOL. I didn't. Although my Lenten sacrifice doesn't include pastas, rice or corn tortillas. I include any baked good.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Yeah, I'm 6 foot so anything below 165 ain't gonna look pretty. Good for you sticking to it though.

I'm giving up all the stuff that you mentioned, although I don't consider rice a bread so I'll eat that. I love rice and beans. Cheers ETW!!

bobbybegood1 said...

I'm trying to go vegetarian -- Bic Mac looks sooooooooo inviting. But, like the good Lord Jeebus, I ain't giving in to temptation. Ha.

Maybe when you finish Lent, you'll look soooooooo good to Schmoop that you won't go back to bad carbs; namely: white rice, sugar, white bread, white flour. I heard Dr. Oz say that the only whites (well, besides you and your Lady) a person should have in their kitchen are cauliflower and egg whites. Hahaha. What cha think about that? Anydoodles, good luck!

Happy Mardi Gras!!

David said...

You get your "special sauce" from McDonald's??? All all this time I thought you produced your own...so to speak.

Enjoy Fat Tuesday!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: I know you are and I wish you the best of luck and hope you succumb not to temptation.

As for me, I am not giving up carbs afterwards. I don't eat tons of them and I walk 3-4 miles a day so it's not a problem. On top of that, Schmoop thinks I weigh too little now. She's told me on more than one occasion that if I lose my ass; I'm out the door. Cheers Michelle!!

Matt-Man said...

David: While I do get my special sauce from McDonald's, the EXTRA special sauce comes straight from the Matt-Man. Cheers to ya, David!!

Bond said...

No White Castles - you are nutz dude

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Why, when the Micky D's is free? On top of that, neither Schmoop nor I have had a Big Mac in ages. Oh yeah, we're goin' with the burger clown. Cheers!!

bobbybegood1 said...

Ahhhhhhhh, a woman after thine own heart. I, too, like a healthy size MAN.

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Damn right, with the emphasis on the Man. Cheers!!

Christine said...

At times like this, I am so glad I am a fallen Catholic. I gave up lent for lent several years ago and that has been working great for me. :-)

Four Dinners said...

I remember someone talking to me about 'lent' once.

I said "WTF is lent?" and they attempted to explain.

I recall asking "Look. Lend me £50 and you've lent me some'at"

Sadly they didn't understand...

oh well....

Tally Ho! On we go!

Irene said...

FOFF is the bomb!Now I want one.
I am giving up all types of candy and desserts for lent, last year I did the meat thing.This past year I developed a love bordering on obession for all types of treats and ice cream cookies ect.. that I didn't really have before so I am hoping lent can break the habit.

Mike said...

@Micky-T - If I remember my scary news stories correctly the BK fish sandwich is the number ONE high calorie fast food sandwich of all fast food sandwiches. I think it's 1500 or 1600 calories.

Matt-Man said...

Christine: Ha. I haven't been a Catholic in years. I started giving things up 3 or 4 years ago during Lent just to see if I could do it. Hell, I'll be eating meat on Fridays during Lent this year...just no bread obviously. Cheers Christine!!

Four: Ha...Of course you did, you cheeky monkey, you. Cheers Old Bean!!

Irene: I'm about to eat one as I type this. It smells awfully gooooood. Good luck with your self-denial of the sweets. Cheers Irene!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: You type that as if there is something wrong with that. Cheers Mike!!

Lu' said...

Had me a fastnacht after returning from a bit o' slice and dice today. Slice and dice without a hitch and fastnacht was nummers. Good luck on your bread fast my friend.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Thanks Lu...I'm glad that things went off without a hitch especially when it is something that important involving someone that important. Cheers my friend!!