Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent 2010: No Knead for the Devil

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t any more. Bread that is.

Lent has begun and I shall not eat any bread, pasta, or bread related products until Easter Morning.


This 46 day trek through the frightening, desolate, and crust-less wilderness has begun for yours truly.

Weep not for me.

Instead of your tears offer me hope, encouragement, and if at all possible, if you’re a hot babe, naked pictures of yourselves in order to distract me during this time of toast-less tribulation.

If you can do that for me and along with my own belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus, I shall be strong and will be able to say:

"Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Bread, I shall fear no piece of toast…no loaf of garlic bread, no steaming plate of macaroni and cheese…deep fried or otherwise."

I will stand with courage in the face of the leavened loaf and the palate tempting pasta.

I shall not be a slave to the tempting demands of a bowl of Chicken Noodle soup on a cold winter’s day. I shall not labor under the taunting of an onion bun that cradles a juicy hamburger.

I will not supplicate myself to the steamy soup and only after removing the burger from its bondage of the bun will I ingest it.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I had my fill of bread last night. Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish may have sated my stomach, but not my soul.

Today there is no bread…no manna from heaven for me; but feel no sorrow…for I am feasting on the body of Christ.

For the next 46 days, Jeebus will be the bun of my burger, the toast with my eggs…the mac-daddy in my cheese.

My belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus will be what separates my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s breaded soullessness.

And my friends…I am not alone. For there is another amongst us who will be seeking salvation through sacrifice.

Yes indeed…As he did last year, the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be joining me in this 46 days of self-flagellation self denial.

Jay will be doing what he calls, Junkless 4 Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo. This brave and yearning soul will be giving up Junk Food, Soft Drinks, and…Alcohol. Holy Cow!!

Godspeed Jay…You do your Boogaloo and I’ll endure my No Knead for the Devil Tour. Together we will succeed and people will, in awe, be asking…

"Why the fuck did a guy who hasn’t been a Catholic in twenty years and one who has never been a Catholic give up all that shit for Lent?"

The answer comes from Jeebus’ mouth to my ear…

"Cuz they’re Matt-Man and Jay, Bitches!!"

Cheers!!

40 comments:

bobbybegood1 said...

HALLELUJAH! LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN, AND AMEN AGAIN! Holy Sweet Bejeebus!! Good luck to both ya'll Bitches. I'll be praying for ya. Ha. Cheers Matt and Jay!!

Candice said...

How about I send you a picture of a yeast infection instead?

Not of ME of course. Yours truly ain't baking no bread.

Anyway, good luck with that.

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Ha...Why thank ya kind lady of the choir. Now how about a naked picture...I mean, Jeebus would want it that way. Cheers Michelle!!

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Oh of course not...I mean that you would be baking. I mean...well...whatever you wanna do, that would be fine with me...more than fine...I mean. Cheers Candice!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

So are you doing breaded meats? Like fried chicken or fried fish?

You are a stronger person than I... bread is just too precious.

Desert Rat said...

And so, it has begun... you poor, selfless bastard(s). I wish you Godspeed with your breadless and junkless wanderings. Although, honestly, I was wondering "WTF with this giving up shit for Lent?" but, hey, you are Matt-Man and Jay!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Fried Chicken? No...Fish Stciks or breaded fish, yeah. I'm not getting entangled in that. It's the only way I can eat seafood. I hate naked fish. Cheers Lady!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Jay and I are Kings of Kings...Pillars of Morality...Men Among Men. And stupid. Thanks for the Last Supper, Rat. It was delicious. Cheers Adorable One!!

bobbybegood1 said...

I'm sooooooooo gorgeous, that hey, if I sent you a naked pic of me, you would end up leaving Schmoop. And I ain't into breaking up happy relationships. So there. Beddiebye!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: I don't know...Schmoop's pretty damn hot...funny...and can cook...Okay she doesn't cook, I do that, but damn. Can ya send me a point of reference and comparison? Cheers Michelle!!

Jay said...

Look at us! Far more committed than those fundie right-wing Judgy McJudgersons. They talk big, but aren't willing to make the sacrifices.

I've got 57 minutes til my own personal hell. I'm gonna have some Taco Bell and a beer. LOL

Best of luck to ya on your Journey with Jesus through the Breadless Wilderness.

"Jeebus will be the bun of my burger"

LOL .. Now that's funny right there. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Good Luck Jay...I finished my last of the McDonalds sandwich not fifteen minutes ago...And so it begins...Damn. You and I soooo rock. Drink up while you can. Cheers my friend!!

Mike said...

"Weep not for me."

Not to worry. I'm going to eat the extra FoFF's that will be out there in the junkfoodosphere.

Scott Oglesby said...

How can you do that to yourself already…naming all of those delicious bread products? I know when I blog about what I can’t get in Spain, I only crave it more. If I were you, I’d focus on Candice’s idea. THAT my friend will turn you off of bread!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I appreciate your honesty and your ability to gorge yourself and go about your buisness. I think. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Oh I don't know...depending on the lighting and set up of the yeast infection picture it could be a sexy photo. Cheers Scott!!

Four Dinners said...

In support of your bravery I will decline to eat any brussel sprouts for the rest of my life.

How about that then!

Matt-Man said...

Four: I'm with you there. I ate them once...that was plenty. Cheers!!

Michele said...

What is Jay thinking? Giving up alcohol? There is just something not right in that. Good luck on your quest. I'm pulling for you.

I'll be teaching myself how to make a good beignet so when you come out the other side of this ordeal I can send you the recipe.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I agree but I shall not question him as to his quest...although I will shake my head in disbelief.

And thanks...I always love a new recipe. I finished my last Big Mac at 5 til Midnight last night. My it was good. Cheers Michele!!

Micky-T said...

I got to say, you get absolutely no support from me. It's not that I don't want to see you succeed in your own personal sacrafice(that's a good thing)but to do it when the church is doing it, that's sucking up to the church. Your Matt-Man bitch! You want people to think you suck ass to the pope? Do it YOUR way, not theirs! Pick some other time of year and create something like...Matt-Lent-Bitches.

Doc said...

I wish you both the best... you are better than I am... Im heading to McDs for a Big Mac at lunch BTW.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: You kiddin' me? This is the best time of year to do this thing.

I do this not in support of the Catholic Church but in spite of it. Some of my best writing is making fun of the Church and the events leading up to Easter, and me being involved in this sacrifice is like method acting.

I support not the Catholic Church nor any organized religion or denomination. I gots my own personal Jeebus and he is a good hearted and light hearted muthafuckah.

Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Have two...I found out last night that this time of year, is a good time for Big Macs. Cheers Doc!!

David said...

In support of your journey through valley of the shadow of bread death, I am giving up all forms of cooked liver. It is of no consequence that I haven't eaten liver in 40 years. It is the thought that counts.

Pate is still on the menu however.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...yes, but will you listen to Baby I'm-a Want You by Bread?...

Matt-Man said...

David: Your soul knows no breadth or depth. Cheers David!!

Phfrankie: I can't stand Bread. I hate them. It's a long story. Cheers P-Man!!

RobinF said...

Ok...naked pics huh? Hm... I'll cover my body in some non-bread substance like.. maybe whipped cream..LOL.. then take a pic...whoohoo..think on that for a moment..... still missing bread??? I don't think so! HAHAHAHA

Matt-Man said...

Robin: You can save it. I don't need it..yet. Cheers Robin!!

katherine. said...

having never been catholic it wasn't until adulthood I used the Lenten season to "give up" things.

what is really nice is how those close to me have a whole list of suggestions for what I should give up. Thank God bread wasn't on the list.

Wishing you and jay much success with your Lenten sacrifices. It'll be interesting to read along.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha...It's nice of "those" to make the suggestions for you. Everyone else always seems to know better.

Thanks Kat, and Cheers!!

Bond said...

Lenten post #6...and counting

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Thanks for keeping track. Tell me when I hit 100. When that happens I get an autographed picture of The Pope. Cheers Vin!!

Lu' said...

I'll do my part to support you and Jay by not sending you a picture of my large breasty chesty nekkid loaves so as not to tempt to to stray and break your lenten promise. I'm supportive like that *wink*

Matt-Man said...

Lu: You always have my breast interest at heart, and for that I love you. Cheers Pal!!

bobbybegood1 said...

Has Jay ever tried this before? If not, we have to cheer him on extra. Lots of Cheers to ya Jay!! You can speak in his behalf yourself Matt since it is your blog. Still haven't figured out which naked pic to send ya.

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Whichever one you'd like. I'm easy...Ask anyone. And Jay?

He gave up junk food last year and did quite well. However...Jesus likes me more than Jay so he will need extra encouragement. Cheers Michelle!!

I Wonder Wye said...

what, no pancakes for shrove Tuesday? They don't call it fat Tues. for nothing.....wonder how much weight you will drop in the process of 40 days??

Matt-Man said...

Wye: I don't know...I am expecting to lose maybe 8 pounds, and I draw the line there.

And no, I figured the Big Macs and Filet O Fish were much tastier than pancakes for the Shrove. Thanks for the comment Wye. And Cheers!!

Clay Perry said...

i didnt eat bread once while on a low carb diet for about two months... lost alot of weight too... the first time i ate bread it made me sick, so face it matt.. this is going to kill you.

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Ha. Thanks alot. When I read your comment I laughed and spit some beer out. I love your candor. Just for that I am going to post a Schmoop video especially for you tomorrow. Cheers Clay!!