Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Easter Ham

I haven’t talked much about the upcoming Easter holiday this year, but never fear; this coming Monday marks the beginning of…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Now those of you who have been drinking the Bagwine for awhile know how reflective, informational, and down right exciting SHHJW is on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought today, in order to get us all in the Easter mood, I would visit a question that many people have.

Why do so many Christians, specifically American Christians, eat ham at Easter? It’s as though the religious holiday and the porcine flesh are synonymous with one and other.

I have already heard advertisements for grocery stores exclaiming, “It’s not too early to order and/or pick up your Easter Ham."

Many cultural, societal, and religious historians will tell you that as Easter celebrations began to spring up in America, that pork was plentiful.

Hogs were butchered in the late fall and were smoked and cured for preservation. Thus come spring time when Easter arrived, ham was readily available, thus beginning the tradition.

Others insist that the eating of ham at Easter, was a clever marketing ploy by 19th Century pork producers who had a pig glut on their hand.

My imagination research does show that in 1818, a German immigrant named Richard Von Kopf, noted in his diary that there was an abnormally high rate of pig fucking going on due to the nation’s slop supply being accidentally tainted with peyote.

Von Kopf referred to this phenomenon in his writing as “Sows Gone Wild.” Interesting, however…

Many folks were eating ham at Easter prior to the Great Swine Sex Outbreak of 1818. So what gives? To answer that, one must go back to the day that Jeebus was resurrected.

Shortly after the tomb was discovered open and Jeebus nowhere to be found, Jeebus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

After exchanging pillow talk and Jeebus asking Magdalene if she would show him her tits before he roamed around for a few days and then ascended into heaven, Mary whipped em’ out and said…

“You are risen my Lord. This makes you new a new religion unto thou self. We shall worship and praise you for all eternity. You kicked those dirty Heebs right in the baby makers by rising up on this first Sabbath after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

We shall honor thou on this day every year until God’s Kingdom comes. We shall sing, pray, and above all, feast in your name.

In fact, in order to give those murdering Jew basatrds a big ol’ Fuck You, we shall gorge ourselves on the flesh of the pig.”


Jeebus nodded and laughed...He gave Mary a big wet kiss, licked each exposed breast, and began to his roamin'. But then, after a few steps, he turned around said unto her…

“Hey Mary, the ham does sounds great, but please, don’t put pineapple on it. That is so fucking gay.”

And that my friends is why we eat ham on Easter, and it also why that not only in my eyes, but in those of the Holy Baby Jeebus, putting pineapple on a perfectly cooked smoked ham is a Goddamn sin.

Cheers!!

31 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

Not a big fan of pineapple on ham, but I can deal with it okay.... now CLOVES are another story. I do not want my ham to taste like potpourri.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Auggggh...You just sent me into orbit, and not in a good way...I too, am a hater of clove. It's disgusting. Cheers D!!

Jay said...

I've always wondered where that whole ham on Easter thing came from. Thanks for answering that for me. All I knew was that people were supposed to have ham on Easter. At least that's why they sell those "Easter Hams" at the Bypass Junction Kum & Go at this time of year.

Also, I absolutely hate pineapple or cloves on my ham. I also don't really like it peppered. I do love the crispy skin when the whole hog has been cooked over the fire all day long. And, I love the little crispy bits in my pulled pork BBQ sandwiches.

Damn, I'm hungry now. I wonder if Bodacious BBQ is open at this hour? ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You just made me hungry too. You are always so damn graphic. And ha..I had forgotten about the Kum n Go you wrote about...Classic. Cheers Jay!!

MysteryChick said...

I grew up eating ham with pineapple and cloves on it and it always pissed me off to have to cut off the tops of my slices of ham before I could eat them.

Jay, send me a burnt ends sammich if they are would you?

This is why I try not to miss a post. They don't tell us recovering Catholics anything worth knowing!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Jay's shit...er...the food he described did sound good, didn't it?

And as far as the information I provide? I think it's proof positive that while some consider me an asshole, sarcastic, a jerk...I am really just here to provide a public service.

My good intent is large and my wants and desires other than being here to help, are few. Cheers Chick!!

Mike said...

Easter+ham - 3 million google hits
Easter+pork - 1.7 mil
Easter+pork+sex - 357k
Easter+pork+sex+girls - 38k
Easter+pork+sex+girls+matt-man - 10 hits!!!!!!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. Ergo, the title chosen. Cheers Mike!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I love the Pagan references and I love your imagination…er research!

About the only way I’d enjoy ham is if it were tainted with peyote. I can’t stand that salty, fatty shit. Thank God my Italian family always made a big, beautiful lasagna on Easter too. And frittata.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Why thanks, Scott. I like ham and you can find plenty 'round here that aren't incredibly salty (although I dig that) and hardly any fat, but that being said I do loooove lasagna. Cheers Scott!!

Michele said...

You have just explained why I don't eat that stuff. :-)

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. I guess I did. Glad I could put an exclamation point on it for you. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I never met a ham I didn't like...

Dianne said...

I make lasagna on Easter too

none of that ham crap for this Jesus killing Heeb

always go with the food of the Eye-talons, those ganstas know how to eat

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I agree, ham is kinda like cheese. I like cheese. Cheers P-Man.

Di: I love Italian food but those damn sweaty Italians had a hand in killing our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Bastards. Cheers Sexy!!

David said...

In my family, we've always had lamb for Easter feasting (perversely that Lamb of God thing I suppose) and save our ham for Hannukah. Hannukah Ham is a phrase that just rolls off the tongue.

But now you’ve gotten me flummoxed. I hear people claiming that Jeebus was evidently gay cause he spent his adult years roaming around the middle east, well as far as he could go in sandals and nothing but an ass to ride…..why didn’t he ever have a camel?.....with 12 single men but thanks to the incredible (‘credible’ being the key) research by the incomparable Matt-Man, we now see that Jeebus was a tits man….and all these years I assumed he was a legs man….all that foot-washing fetish I guess. But was he really a ‘tits’ man (or is he really a nipples guy?) or did he just have issues from Mary, the woman worshiped by the Cathohoiics (not that other Mary - the hooker from the bible) refusing to breastfeed him?

Joker_SATX said...

Matt-Man,

You are a true religious zealot after my own heart. The Joker sits and reads this post and wonders...."How many churches did Matt-Man get kicked out of? Is it more than me?"

Good Post! Now I am achin for some bacon!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Thanks for chiming in. I haven't been kicked out of any Churches, but I loathe them. Not as far as a sanctuary for the soul, but as far as money making opportunities.

I dig religion, but I hate organized religion.

Cheers Joker!!

Matt-Man said...

David: I hate you. You know why? I was going to make the same point next week about Christ. The man was a bisexual. He LOVED everyone. Back to the drawing board. Thanks alot. Cheers Funnyman!!

B Baker Esq said...

I thought it had to do with the fact that in Spain especially but also anywhere they forced the Jews to convert to Catholicism, they would test them by offering them some lovely delicious pork and pork by-products?

Matt-Man said...

Baker: No, no, no...Spain is a different story. They had the Muslims invade in the 6 AND 700's.

Fortunately, the French had one good battle left in them and chased the away the Moors at the Battle of Tours in 732.

It wasn't throguh their bow and arrow, but its because the French wore hams around their necks and bacon as belts.

Cheers!!

Clay Perry said...

oh yeah... youre going to hell for that one... LOL..

Marilyn said...

If by gay he meant happy and yummy, then I agree. :)

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha...And you, knowing me as you do after all this time, know that that that is not what I meant. But it doesn't make your abiltiy to make me smile taste bad....what? Cheers Marilyn!!

Simstone said...

Eating a ham on Easter is about as confusing, doctrinally speaking, as telling me how wonderful the afterlife is gonna be but then telling me that I can't kill myself to get there or I'll go to Hell. If I should get to the point of wanting to go to Heaven that bad I should have the right to make the journey any damn way I see fit. It seems like more Christians should be looking forward to the journey. IMO.

BTW, you know why Pentecostals don't have sex standing up?

Because it could lead to dancing.

Matt-Man said...

Sim: Ha. Good joke especially since I have a sister who is Pentecostal. I love her, but wow!!

As for your other stuff...I have always felt that joy, redemption, and every other feeling that one could possibly have are in the journey and not in the destination. Cheers Sim!!

Rick Harrison said...

I took another look at that picture and am always amazed how they portray people in the Bible as stone Honkies. Those are some of the Whitest white people to have played Jews since Charlton Heston was Moses.

Matt-Man said...

Rick: Aren't they though? Of course John Derek was looking pretty buff as a white Joshua in those days. Where am I going withthis. I have no damn idea. Yours in Christ, Cheers!!

Dice Mardell said...

I guess you don't like Hawaiian pizza either then?
bummer.

I LOVE it!

Pineapple and Ham w/o the pizza under it though; not so much. And I'm not sure why. I never wondered that before.

gee, thanks M2.

Charlene said...

I never cared for ham since that Christmas when we got 7 hams as gifts and were eating them until March. But seeing your post here and that ham picture, I guess I'm going to have to dig that Honey Baked Ham catalog out of the trash and order one. Sigh! SMILE

Matt-Man said...

Dice: Oh my...I'm sorry that I tipped your axis of thought on edge Dice. Jeezz...What have I wrought? Cheers Dice!!

Charlene: Holy Cow...I'm sorry that I brought up the thought of a multitudeo fhams, but your order will make one pig very happy...or not. Cheers Charlene!!