Easter Ham

I haven’t talked much about the upcoming Easter holiday this year, but never fear; this coming Monday marks the beginning of…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Now those of you who have been drinking the Bagwine for awhile know how reflective, informational, and down right exciting SHHJW is on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought today, in order to get us all in the Easter mood, I would visit a question that many people have.

Why do so many Christians, specifically American Christians, eat ham at Easter? It’s as though the religious holiday and the porcine flesh are synonymous with one and other.

I have already heard advertisements for grocery stores exclaiming, “It’s not too early to order and/or pick up your Easter Ham."

Many cultural, societal, and religious historians will tell you that as Easter celebrations began to spring up in America, that pork was plentiful.

Hogs were butchered in the late fall and were smoked and cured for preservation. Thus come spring time when Easter arrived, ham was readily available, thus beginning the tradition.

Others insist that the eating of ham at Easter, was a clever marketing ploy by 19th Century pork producers who had a pig glut on their hand.

My imagination research does show that in 1818, a German immigrant named Richard Von Kopf, noted in his diary that there was an abnormally high rate of pig fucking going on due to the nation’s slop supply being accidentally tainted with peyote.

Von Kopf referred to this phenomenon in his writing as “Sows Gone Wild.” Interesting, however…

Many folks were eating ham at Easter prior to the Great Swine Sex Outbreak of 1818. So what gives? To answer that, one must go back to the day that Jeebus was resurrected.

Shortly after the tomb was discovered open and Jeebus nowhere to be found, Jeebus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

After exchanging pillow talk and Jeebus asking Magdalene if she would show him her tits before he roamed around for a few days and then ascended into heaven, Mary whipped em’ out and said…

“You are risen my Lord. This makes you new a new religion unto thou self. We shall worship and praise you for all eternity. You kicked those dirty Heebs right in the baby makers by rising up on this first Sabbath after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

We shall honor thou on this day every year until God’s Kingdom comes. We shall sing, pray, and above all, feast in your name.

In fact, in order to give those murdering Jew basatrds a big ol’ Fuck You, we shall gorge ourselves on the flesh of the pig.”

Jeebus nodded and laughed...He gave Mary a big wet kiss, licked each exposed breast, and began to his roamin'. But then, after a few steps, he turned around said unto her…

“Hey Mary, the ham does sounds great, but please, don’t put pineapple on it. That is so fucking gay.”

And that my friends is why we eat ham on Easter, and it also why that not only in my eyes, but in those of the Holy Baby Jeebus, putting pineapple on a perfectly cooked smoked ham is a Goddamn sin.

Cheers!!