Friday, June 18, 2010

Matt-Man's Private Conversations

It’s Friday, so that means it’s time once again for Matt-Man’s Private Conversations, where I let you in on my most intimate conversations of the past week.

Sunday morning as Schmoop is staring into her make-up mirror, rubbing her right cheek:

Schmoop: Jesus Christ!!

Me: What is it?

Schmoop: I just shaved my legs and it looks like I’m gonna have to start shaving my damn face!!

Me: Hee Hee

Schmoop: It’s not funny. I’m getting every fucking part of menopause except the part that I want, dammit!! Look away from me…I’m hideous.

I just closed the Beer Mine up and was walking out to leave when I saw a big motherfucker sitting on our lot in a pick up truck:

Me: Can I help ya?

BMFer: I’m waiting on someone.

Me: Well, you’ll have to wait somewhere else.

BMFer: You don’t have to be an asshole.

Me: Asshole? Just get your truck off the lot, please.

BMFer: Why?

Me: ‘Cause it’s private property. Park on the street.

BMFer: Cocksucker.

Me: Blow Me.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…An old, Boris Karloff lookin’ guy who buys houses, renovates them, and rents them out, comes through two-three times a day to get a Diet Mt. Dew. He came through last night and it went like this:

Me: Diet Dew?

Boris: Did I say, Diet Mountain Dew? Get me a diet Root Beer.

Me: Not until you say, “please”.

Boris: Please!!

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: Where’s those other two clowns? Y’know if you had an elephant and a bag of peanuts, it would be like a circus around here.

Me: And you could be our freak show!!

Boris: Heh…That was pretty good.

I've had several good conversations with the old guy. Here are a couple…

Boris: Gimme a Diet Mountain Dew.

Me: Here ya go..$1.66, please.

Boris: Jeez…You should wear a mask.

Me: Why’s that?

Boris: ’Cause yer robbin’ everybody.

And my fave of all-time from a couple of months of ago. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks and then he came through:

Me: Hey there, stranger.

Boris: Haven’t seen me in awhile have ya?

Me: No I haven---

Boris: You was probably hopin’ I was dead.


The best thing about this guy? He acts all gruff and curmudgeonly, but every time the old bastard pulls away, he pulls away with a smile.

I dig that.

I’m hangin’ out with Ryno later this morning, and then taking the boy to lunch. Play nice while I’m gone.



Mrs. D said...

That old guy sounds cool. Reminds me of one of my grandpa's. Have a great Friday!

Matt-Man said...

D: Yeah I dig him. Hell if he is driving by and we are outside, he'll yell an insult at us as drives by. Cheers D!!

Desert Rat said...

Friday! Woot woot!

So, Billy (his real name), tells me the soup at My Florist Cafe is substandard. "They said it was tomato and basil bisque and it tasted just like Campbell's from a can and the basil was gritty."

Me later to Steve. "Oh, look, there is My Florist Cafe, notorious home of the substandard tomato basil bisque. Billy said so, therefore it must be true."

And, we're clear...

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. That's funny. Haven't talked to you in awhile, hope all is well wif ya. Cheers Rat!!

Dana said...

Checkers for lunch?? And just when is Ryno coming out my way this summer.

WAIT! That sounded just a little creepy, didn't it??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha....No we are going to Olive Garden. And by the way, Checkers is called Rally's in these here parts. I don't know why companies do that.

But I will tell ya. His aunt and uncle moved back to Ohio last summer so he won't be going out your way any longer. Thank God. ; )~ Cheers Dana!!

Mike said...

The conversation with BMFer bothers me. Will Schmoop take over your blog?

Matt-Man said...

Mike: He was bigger than me, but no worries...He moved his truck. It's all about attitude. Cheers Mike!!

Jeff B said...

When I worked in a bagel shop years ago...

Old Dude (with thick, heavy Jewish accent): Hey, come her.

Me: Yes sir?

OD: What's with this bagel?

Me: What do you mean.

OD: It's not cooked!

ME: Um...yes it is

OD: Look, I'm an eighty-five year old Jewish man and're telling me about bagels?!?

Me: OK, you win.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. What can you say against that arguement? Cheers Jeff!!

Scott Oglesby said...

That image you threw up there is pretty cool, very artsy for you Matty.

And like everybody else, I love the ornery old guy who does the Dew. Because old people are fun and opinionated!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Thanks...The dude is a riot. He's definitely my fave customer. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

Beer Mine made me think of Grippo's... YUM!

Have a great weekend Mahoney.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: I shall do just that and wish you the same. Enjoy traffic school tomorrow. Cheers Doc!!

Michele said...

I love grumpy old guys. I don't know hwy but they make me laugh.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I laugh every time I talk to him. And as Schmoop says, "He probably comes through 'cause you guys make his day." I like to think that is so.

You and the JR-Man have a wunnerful weekend. Cheers Michele!!

Michele said...

Happy Father's Day!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Why thank ya. Pass the sentiment along to JR from moi. Cheers Michele!!

Dianne said...

Boris sounds like a great guy, in his own way
and a perfect match for you

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Me: The Diet Dews would be a good name for a band.

Matt-Man: Ha! Shut up now, P-Man...

Marilyn said...

Poor Schmoop... I'm plucking unwanted things off my face lately too. I hate that. On the bright side, I'm sure she loves that you just told the whole world.

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: When I see him, I see myself 20-30 years from now. Cheers Sexy!!

Phfankie: Ha. Very good, but I would never tell you to shut up. Cheers P-Man!!

Marilyn: She doesn't really mind me saying anything. She reminds the entire world once a month as to how much she wants menopause to set in. Cheers Marilyn!!

Charlene said...

He's pulling away with a smile because you're not only selling him a diet Mt. Dew for $1.66, you're giving him your smile for FREE!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm sure you meet the BEST and most interesting folks at work. :-)

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: As silly as some may think that sounds, and I know you don't, I try to do that with everyone. Cheers Charlene!!

Evil: The "best"? Sometimes. The most interesting? Often. Ryno and I picked a new sundress out for ya. We Have a picture. Cheers ETW!!

Jay said...

Dude. I saw a woman at Walmart today with enough facial hair to play guitar for ZZ Top.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Was it Schmoop? Cheers Jay!!

Micky-T said...

I bet you guys at the mine "really" are a show for the regulars.
It makes me laugh just thinking about how much they might enjoy the visit.
We all like going where they know your name. (but in this case maybe not, they just know they'll enjoy the visit)

Matt-Man said...

Micky: We are nice to everyone and if one is a regular they don't even have to speak if they don't want to. We know what they want and we get it for them. If we see them coming before they pull in, it's already been rung up and ready for them. Cheers Mick!!

佳梅 said...

you did a good job..................................................

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

HA! I love Boris!! An BigMFer really shows that native intelligence we are all to familiar with in the Bagwine region.

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: He is a hoot. He yelled at me as he drove by today. Love the guy. The BigMFer? Just a big pussy, and rude. Cheers Doll!!