Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiday so you know what that means. That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

This week, my conversation is one that took place between me and myself, and one which turned me on my head.

Me: Do you realize I am on the precipice of losing everything?

Myself: Yeah…It kinda sucks. Wait…Everything?

Me: I could possibly lose my girlfriend, a place to live, my job is in peril because of the economy, and I owe like 8 gazillion dollars in hospital bills.

Myself: Well…at least you have your health.

Me: Ha. I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. How long can that last? Plus, it was about one year ago that I got sick and went into the hospital.

Me/Myself: Hence the 8 gazillion dollars in medical bills.

Me: Exactly!!

Myself: You will always have your website.

Me: True, and I hear that the Public Library has fantastic internets access.

Myself: Oh yeah…the place to live thing. Well dude, at least you’re cute!!

Me: I used to be, until my gum disease kicked into overdrive and my teeth started poppin' out faster and more often than Brett Favre’s dick.

Myself: Hee Hee. At least you still have your rapier wit and sense of humor.

Me: Ha!! Indeed…Perhaps I could get a gig with the circus.

Myself: You ARE a circus.

Me: More like a freak show.

Myself: Good One. You still have your book to write.

Me: True, but I need a disinterested third party to help me edit it.

Myself: There should be no problem finding someone.

Me: What? Finding an editor?

Myself: No. Finding someone who is disinterested in you. Ha!! I crack Myself up!!

Me: Hee Hee. Funny.

Myself: Dude, just keep pressin’ on. Things will change. You will change.

Me: Damn right, or die tryin’.

Myself: And look on the bright side. If you do die tryin’, it would only be a murder of one.

Me: I can dig it. Thanks. Now cue the music.

I’ll be posting again later today with some updates and info about our I’m With Stupid radio show which airs every Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Until then, Happy Friday and…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means. That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Thursday evening at the Beer Mine talking to Pizza Bill…

Me: Yo Billy-Boy can you use your van to help me move a couch from David’s house over to the apartment the first Sunday in October?

Bill: I’ll have to take the seats out, but sure.

Me: Thanks. Schmoop said that if you helped us out she’d show you her tits.

Bill: Hee Hee.

Me: Ha…Naw, I’ll pay ya.

Bill: I’d rather see Schmoop’s tits.

Me: Deal!!

Thursday morning taking Ryno to school…

Me: I’ll pick you up this afternoon. I’m going to park in that cornfield way behind the baseball diamond.

Ryno: If you park way back there, when I eventually do get to the car, I’m gonna park my fist in your face.

Me: Ha!! Good One.

Monday morning talking to Schmoop following Sunday’s post tryst admission fall out…

Me: You’re not going to work today?

Schmoop: No…I feel like shit this morning. I’ll just blame Dana. Ha.

Me: Ha...I’ll tell her.

Schmoop: And when you do, tell her to stop being a whore!! I did. I mean, shortly after you left your wife and moved in with me, I did.

Me: Ha. Hey-Oooooooo

Schmoop: I crack myself up…ugh, I’m going back to bed.

And that’s it for this week’s installment, but I do have a few things to pass along to you chuckleheads.

First of all, this past Tuesday I wrote about and professed my love for national radio talk show host, Leslie Marshall. Well kids, now dig it.

She read it Tuesday night and got a hold of me via Twitter. We had a brief Twitter convo and she was incredibly sweet.

I just want to say thanks to her for taking the time to read it and actually contacting me. Here’s to the lovely Leslie. Cheers to ya, Mizz Marshall!!

Today marks the 51st birthday of the sexiest librarian in the world, Bagwine buddy, Michele!! I want to give a big ol’ Happy Birthday to Michele. Have a wonderful day, dear!!

Lastly, I’m With Stupid will once again rear its ugly head at 11 AM EDT Sunday on Blog Talk Radio. Please join Jay and myself for some Sunday morning fun.

In addition to our weekly NFL picks and my weekly fucking by Time Warner, we will be talking about bad and/or funny things that have happened to us while drunk.

We invite you to call in and lay your stories on us as well.

And, since many of you will be listening to us with a hangover, we will also discuss what our favorite hangover foods are.

Off today so I’ll be whoopin’ it up I hope you all do the same. Have a good one!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…

Bill: Can I help you?

Chick: (yelling) Yeah, I want to talk to that cocksucker!!

Bill: Who?

Chick: (pointing at me and angry) That cocksucker standing against the wall. He stole my virginity!!

Bill: Hey Matt-Man this woman wants to speak with you.

Me: (walking to the car) What did I do? I---

Chick: (laughing) Hi cocksucker, need a ride?

Me: Ha. Sure!!

It turned out to be my old girlfriend from High School!!

With the aforementioned old girlfriend in the Bagwine digs minutes later…

Me: So, how’s tricks?

OGF: Eh, okay. I kinda want to find someone to date.

Me: Sweet…I’m available on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

OGF: I said I want to find someone to date, not do!!

Me: Rats.

Tuesday night working the Beer Mine as my old, Boris Karloff looking customer pulls in…

Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.

Me: There ya go.

Boris: Could you hand me one of them?

Me: There ya go.

Boris: You know? You’d make a good butler.

Me: Ha. You couldn’t afford me.

Boris: Just like everything else in this place. See ya.

Thursday evening seeing one of my shirts that Schmoop laid out for her to wear to work today…

Me: Hey, that’s my shirt.

Schmoop: Yeah? So?

Me: Well you could at least ask if you could wear it.

Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.

Me: Good point.

And there you have it for this week folks. Off today, partying and catching up on blogs!!

Make sure to listen to I’m with Stupid with Jay and me this Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Among other things we will be celebrating Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed.

Bottoms Up, and as always...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiday so you know what that means. That’s right…

Another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Saturday Morning at the Bagwine digs getting ready for work…

Schmoop: Would you like me to make a sandwich for you to take to work?

Me: Sure!!

Schmoop: Baloney, okay?

Me: Hell yes.

Schmoop: Want the rind left on or not?

Me: Ha…Oh you’re a riot.

Schmoop: Hee Hee…I crack myself up.

Tuesday evening working at the Beer Mine as my regular who looks like Boris Karloff pulls in…

Boris: Get me a Diet Dew and be snappy about it.

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: How’s the website going?

Me: Just fine…doing an internet radio show now too.

Boris: (evidently setting up a joke) I had my own TV show for 25 years, y’know.

Me: Really? What, The Bozo Show?

Boris: (chuckling) You’re pretty quick tonight. See ya.

Saturday morning on the couch with Ryno prior to him, his mom, and his friends going to King’s Island…

Me: (putting my hand on his leg) Hope you guys have fun. I love you buddy.

Ryno: Um…could you get your hand off my thigh; I don’t see you buying me dinner anywhere in the near future.

Mom: Ryan!!

Me and Ryno: Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Good one.

And there you have it for this week, folks.

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend.

Don’t forget…

If you get the chance, listen to I'm With Stupid with Jayman and I Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiiday, so you know what that means. That’s Right..!!

Time for yet another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Schmoop going through the Beer Mine Wednesday afternoon while Pizza Bill and Drive-By Mikey were working…

Mikey: Smootie. Hey Smootie!! Can I--

Schmoop: No Mike, you can’t pee on me.

Mikey: You could pee on me. I could get off on that. Hee Hee Hee.

Schmoop: (Looking at Pizza Bill) Your boss is a moron. I ain't peein' on him. Women got no pee direction anyway. Of course, you guys don’t either.

Pizza Bill: Sure we do.

Schmoop: Then why do you guys always leave piss all over the seat and the floor?

Pizza Bill: That’s not from not having direction. It’s from backsplash.

Mikey: Smootie!! Hey Smootie!!

Schmoop: WHAT!?

Mikey: Tell Matt-Man not to have sex with you for two hours tonight; he has to work tomorrow. Tell him to get it done in 15 minutes.

Schmoop: Bye Bill (drives off)

Mikey: (yelling as she drives off) Smootie!! Hey Smoot!! Hee Hee Hee.

Thursday prior to taking Ryno to school on the day that the guys have to wear a shirt and tie…

Me: Looks good dude.

Ryno: Thanks. You know what else looks good?

Me: What?

Ryno: My fist in your face. Hee Hee.

Talking to Ryno as I took him home from school…

Ryno: Do I look good or what? Man, I am chiseled.

Me: Ha. You’re 6 foot tall and 162 pounds.

Ryno: But I’m ripped. When I enter a room people say, “Ryno looks just like Lou Ferrigno, only beautiful.”

Me: Ha. That was pretty good.

Ryno: I learned from the best, Dad.

That’s it for this week folks. Have a wonderfully fun and safe Labor Day Weekend. And…

If you have nothing better to do Sunday morning at 11 AM EDT, tune into I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio and listen to Jayman and me.

Or, if my computer and/or phone has the shits again this Sunday, you can at least listen to Jay.

Have a Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiday and you know what that means…

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

First up, a Twitter conversation I had with my buddy Average Chick on Thursday morning…

Me: That's what Schmoop says...She tells me I'm the first man she's been with who knows how to use it. She's so kind.

AC: They are hard to find. Very hard to find....

Me: Even harder to find is a 44 yr old chick who can put her legs behind her head. Rowwwrrrrr. Ima gunna put Schmoop and her talent on eBay

AC: I have never been able to do that. Oh how I'd like to!

Me: She can do it well. She's like a contortionist. When she does that, she looks like a rolled up piece of Swiss cheese. Holes everywhere!! Ha!!

AC: Rolled up Swiss cheese? More like a dream girl!

Me: Dream Girl? You don't know how much I like Swiss Cheese. I love it!!

Thursday night at the Beer Mine talking to a hot, Tyra Banks lookin’ babe who just pulled in…

TB: Hi, can I have two 24 ounce Bud Lights?

Me: Sure, do you have an ID?

TB: Ha, you kiddin’ me? (fumbling to get it out of her purse)You’re carding me ‘cause I’m black aren’t ya?

Me: Hee…No, I’m carding you ‘cause you’re hot and I want to find out your name.

TB: (handing me her license) You could have just asked me what my name is, honey.

Me: (looking at license) I’ll remember that…um…Lisa.

TB: Did you get my address too?

Me: Ha…Of course. I’m very thorough.

TB: I bet you are, and you’re pretty damn cute for a white boy.

Me: Thanks and here’s your change, dear.

TB: Maybe next time I’ll give you my number.

Me: Make sure you write it down; my memory sucks.

TB: Ha. I will…bye honey.

Me: Hee Hee…see ya. Rrrrrrowwwwrrrr.

Wednesday morning…an e-mail conversation with Schmoop...

Me: How’s work?

Schmoop: Boring.

Me: Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese tonight!!

Schmoop: Mmmmmm, I love it.

Me: Sex tonight?

Schmoop: That sounds dandy!!

Me: I’ll get an injection of penicillin and B-12, and powder my bottom.

Schmoop: Hee Hee.

And there you have it folks. Remember…

Jay and I will be broadcasting our first “official” installment of, I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Sunday at 11 AM EDT.

Our topic will be Pet Peeves, so I hope you listen if you have the time. Here’s the link: I’m With Stupid.

Have a Friday and a weekend, chuckleheads.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiday, so you know what that means, chuckleheads…

That’s right…another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Thursday morning taking my son Ryno to school…

Me: So what kind of sandwich did Mom make you for lunch?

Ryno: Ham.

Me: Ha. I knew it. You have had a ham sandwich every freaking school day since 8th grade. Why do you refuse to expand your lunchmeat horizons?

Ryno: Well, for one, I like it, and two…I’m trying to make up for the ham that Muslims and Jews don’t eat.

Me: Ha. Good One.

Seven and a half hours later, picking Ryno up from school…

Me: How was your lunch?

Ryno: Ham-tastic!!

Me: Ha!!

At the Beer Mine Saturday night, walking out to a regular named Roger…

Roger: (loud, inaudible ranting)

Me: Would you li--

Roger: Jesus Christ…What took you so long to get out here? Holy fuc---

Me: Hey now. Let’s try this again. I’m going to go back into the office, come back out, and you will be nice to me, m’kay?

Roger: (grumbling)

Me: (coming back out) Hello what can I get you?

Roger: Twelve Natural Light and a pack of KB Light 100’s, please.

Me: See? Now was it so hard being nice to me?

Roger: A little.

Sunday morning standing at the window looking outside, as I am fondling…

Schmoop: Um…What are you doing?

Me: Just a-standin’ here by the window a-playin’ with my pee pee.

Schmoop: Do you have to do that where people can see you?

Me: I have to. I have developed a following.

Schmoop: You’re really proud of yourself, aren’t you?

Me: (still a-playin’) Hee Hee…yeahhhhh.

Schmoop: Oh Dear God, we are so going to get kicked out of here someday.

And that’s it for today, you lovable pervs, you.

I’m off today, Schmoop’s basement is done flooding, and she’s coming home at noon. You know what that means…

Damn right, Bitches…

It means that we may or may not have sex at some point, but we will definitely be pretty damned buzzed by the time Glenn Beck comes on at 5.

Have a Friday and a Weekend, all.

Cheers!!

By the by (I love that expression). Jay and I will be doing our final test show for our BTR show on Sunday at 11 EDT.

Here's the link if you'd like to listen in and call in if you're not all hungover n'shit like we will be.

Keep in mind, we have never used the switchboard and will be winging it, in order to get used to the particulars.

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiday so you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Sunday morning, half naked, in the Bagwine digs, singing a song that I thought of to the tune of the Theme from Shaft:

Me: Who is the man curing lepers ‘cross the lannnnd? Christ!! Right On.

Schmoop: (look of disbelief with mouth agape) Oh Dear God…

Me: Hee…Who’s so divine, turning water into wiiiiine? Christ!! Can ya dig it?

Schmoop: You’re such a dick.

Me: Ha. But I looooove you.

Schmoop: (walking away, shaking head) Whatever.

Wednesday morning talking with Jay on Twitter about me not being able to access our Blog Talk Radio home page:

Me: The damn thing won’t let me in.

Jay: I got in just fine.

Me: Okay…I’m in now. Can ya feel it?

Jay: Yeah. It hurts a little, but I’ll get used to it.

Tuesday night at the Beer Mine talking to some young chick who just pulled in:

Chick: Can I have a pack of Marlboro Light 100s?

Me: Sure. Do you have an ID?

Chick: No.

Me: Sorry. Can’t sell ’em to ya.

Chick: Awww, man. I’m just turned 21 for gods sakes.

Me: Well I don’t know that without seeing an ID.

Chick: (anger rising) I’m 21!! Would I be driving a car if I wasn’t 21!?

Me: Um…Last time I checked, a person in Ohio can drive when they’re 16.

Chick: (really pissed now) They’re for my mom anyway.

Me: You want to stick with that story, or would you like to show me an ID?

Chick: You’re an asshole. (drives away letting the Fuck Off’s fly)

Me: Hee Hee.

Thursday around 5 P.M. in the office of The Beer Mine with Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill giving me shit about my dangly earring:

Mikey: That’s dangerous. It could get caught on something.

Me: Or some idiot could rip it out.

Mikey: Exactly.

Me: That happened to me a long time ago in a bar fight. It hurt like hell.

Pizza Bill: Ha. You? You were in a bar fight?

Me: Yes indeed.

Pizza Bill: Was the guy in the wheelchair hurt bad?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Suck It.

Mikey: Ha. I was gonna say, “How old was she?”

Me: Oh you two are just a couple of funny fucks today aren’t ya?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha

Me: It’s all fun and games when we’re making fun of Matty-Boy.

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha.

Me: You guys suck.

And that’s all the private conversations for this week…

I’m off and getting drunker than shit today, because Schmoop’s basement is flooding so I need not worry about having to get it up later.

Have a Friday and a weekend, you chuckleheads!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiday and that means…you guessed it.

Another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™…and a preview of sorts.

A Thursday morning Twitter conversation with new found funny buddy, Average Chick:

Me: Hiya AC…Ahhhh what’s a happenin’ hot stuff?

AC: Hiya Matty :) Not a whole lot :) Making sure my desk doesn't fly away on me today ;)

Me: Well if it does, please take pictures

AC: The funnier picture will be when I face plant into it later since I'm the only one here

Me: Ha…Will your cheek be down on it, as you fall asleep with drool coming out your mouth? That's Hot!!

AC: Cheek down or forehead slammed onto the keyboard :) With drool...That's hot as hell!

Me: Either way works for me. Man, you are making me hot today. Thoughts of keyboard sex with drool is where its at. Boo Yah!!

AC: Your wiring is sooo short circuiting.....:)

Schmoop and I have been at odds of late and hadn’t talked a whole lot since Saturday. She came home early Wednesday and we had this conversation:

Me: You still love me?

Schmoop: Yes. Do you love me?

Me: Yes.

Schmoop: Cool. Wanna have sex?

Me: It’s only 4:45.

Schmoop: (blank stare of disbelief with mouth agape)

Me: How about I make a bratwurst, chili bean, and mac ‘n’ cheese casserole? That’s kinda like sex.

Schmoop: Cool. Hand me a beer too, please.

In addition to our romantic conversation, I gave her a peace offering…



Damn right, Bitches. Two eight inch long, garden fresh cucumbers. One for her butt and one for her hoo-ha.

I hope she labels each according to which part of her body in which she used them.

I’ll use the one that was in her hoo-ha to eat plain. The one that was in her ass, I will, of course, use to toss salad with. Ha. I kill myself.

Lastly my friends and enemies, I have a bit of a preview of the Blog Talk Radio Show that Jay and I are developing.

Jay has been working on our show logo, which by the way will be called, The Tequila Rose Social Hour, and some have been really good.

Here are a couple of examples of Jay’s work...



Of course, I like this one the best…

Ha. I dig it so, and the following tag line would be perfect for it…

The Tequila Rose Social Hour…Where Political Correctness Goes to Die.

Have a wonderful Friday and a fan-damn-tastic weekend all. I will be whoopin’ it up all day today.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Today be Friday so you know what that means…That’s right!!

Time for yet another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Speaking with my son, Ryno on the phone Thursday morning:

Ryno: Mom cooked the rest of the Rally’s fries you bought for me.

Me: How were they?

Ryno: The ones I cooked were better. Mom cooked em’ too long. They were kinda burnt.

Me: What did you say to her?

Ryno: I told her they were great.

Me: Smart Boy.

Ryno: Hee Hee.

Talking to Schmoop Wednesday morning after she read my blog and the comments:

Schmoop: Jesus Christ.

Me: Ha. What?

Schmoop: I don’t know who’s more fucked up. You? Or your readers?

Me: Hee Hee.

Tuesday evening talking to a guy who comes through the Beer Mine regularly:

Me: 12 Busch Light?

Customer: No, just six.

Me: Only six? What’s wrong? Ya sick?

Customer: No, my wife wants me to cut back. Hell, she wants me stop drinking altogether.

Me: Ha. Why is that?

Customer: She says that I’m an asshole when I drink.

Me: But you’re always an asshole.

Customer: That’s what I told her!! But…you know how that goes with women.

Me: I used to. But now the only drinking related shit I get from my girlfriend is when I come home with less than a 30 pack.

Customer: You suck.

Me: Hee Hee.

Talking to Jay on the Wednesday about our radio show and who we would make fun of:

Jay: We could always make fun of the Amish.

Me: Ha. True.

Jay: Of course they won’t be listening because they don’t have the internet or radios or shit like that.

Me: Good point.

Jay: Hee Hee.

And there you have it for this week folks.

Off to see Ryno this morning, pick up Schmoop from work at noon, and then hopefully we will head over to my brother Marty’s house for some drinks and rudeness later this evening.

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend, all.

Cheers!!

I May Be Off Today, But I Am Sooooo On It!!

It’s my much anticipated Friday off and boy do I have a hodgepodge of things for you lovable perverts today.

First of all, when I got home Thursday night, I noticed Schmoop had cleaned the digs. She never does that on Thursday.

I also noticed she had her wife beater laid out in the bathroom for Friday. I don’t recall her wearing that to work.

I think she is taking Friday off an hasn’t told me. We shall see if I am right.

A couple of days ago, Kimmeh, (who is also off today) and I decided that today would be deemed National Naked Tweeting Day.

So, if you are so inclined, hook up with us on Twitter and get naked, Bitches!!

Last night at work, a regular hubby and wife duo came through with their dog. I noticed something incredibly special about their dog.

They allowed me to take its picture, and now allow me to show you something…

Many of you are familiar with the creepy Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s, It…

Ladies and Gentlemen…I give you Pennywise the Dog…

Is that creepy or what? I think the mutt looks just like Pennywise!! Look into those deadlights.

In the comments yesterday I mentioned that I was going to shave my head today. Too Late…I did it late Thursday morning…

Holy Cow!! I gots some big ears. I find that ironic ‘cause I still can never hear a damn thing.

If at some point today my website is fucked up it’s because I may fiddle with the look. Yeah, that’s how exciting my life is.

I recently hooked up on the internets with a blogger who is new to me, and maybe you have noticed her comments here on Bagwine.

Her name is Raquel, and she authors the site, Raquel’s World. I don’t know her well, but already kinda dig her, so if you get a chance, stop by her site by clicking HERE, and give her a hearty hello.

Lastly, since it is Friday, how about a couple of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations entries…

Monday night when a slightly tipsy Schmoop picked me up from work at the Beer Mine:

Schmoop: Oooooo, you’re all sweaty.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Schmoop: I wish I had a strap-on right now. I’d take you in the cooler and fuck ya.

Me: That’s nice.

Tuesday talking to Bagwine fave, the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:

Boris: Gimme a Diet Dew, and don’t tell me it's five dollars, you robber.

Me: I won’t; itsa buck sixty-six.

Boris: Where’s your other two robber friends?

Me: I don’t kn--

Boris: You’re like John Dillinger and they’re like Frank and Jesse James.

Me: Ha. I gue---

Boris: You know who Frank and Jesse James were, dontcha?

Me: Weren’t they a Vaudeville Act in the 20’s?

Boris: Smartass…See ya later.

That’s all I have for today. If breaking Bagwine news happens during my day off drunkenness, I’ll let ya know.

Have a good one, all.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friday again, so it’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™. This week they are all Beer Mine related…

Wednesday morning talking to Schmoop as she got ready for work:

Schmoop: Did you get rained on during your walk to work yesterday afternoon?

Me: Yes I did.

Schmoop: Eh, what a fucking shame.

Wednesday evening talking to Schmoop after she got home from work:

Me: Mikey just called. I’m going to be filling in at work for Pizza Bill through next Thursday.

Schmoop: How come?

Me: He is going to Florida for a few days.

Schmoop: Bill? The man who hates the heat and gets ass chap, is going to Florida?

Me: I guess so.

Schmoop: Ass Chap Boy in Florida…hmmmm…That doesn't make a lot of fucking sense.

(You can see that one of Schmoop’s fave words is “Fuck” or variations thereof.)

Drive-By Mikey and I at our meeting Wednesday upon seeing that one of dudes in the meeting looked exactly like Sammy Davis, Jr.:

Mikey: Hee Hee…Look Matt.

Me: Holy Shit, it’s Sammy Davis, Jr.!!

Mikey: Hee, I know…Who can take the sunrise. Sprinkle it in dew?

Me: Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two…

Me and Mikey: The Candyman…The Candyman can. Hee Hee Hee.

Same meeting upon seeing a gorgeous, 6’2 blonde chick sporting 3” heels, a big sweet ass, and ginormous tits:

Mikey: Holy shit. Look at that woman.

Me: Oh my. She’s hot.

Mikey: Everything on that chick is huge.

Me: Indeed…Oh yeah.

Mikey: I know she doesn’t have trouble dropping babies, ’cause I bet her vagina is the size of a softball.

Me: LOL

Mikey: Of course they’d have to lay her across two birthing tables.

Me: Ha. Shut up.

Monday night talkin’ to the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff, and buys houses and rents them out for a living:

Boris: Gimme one of those high priced Diet Mountain Dews.

Me: Sure thing.

Boris: See that house across the street that’s for sale?

Me: Sure do.

Boris: I’m gonna buy it so I can stand in the front yard and throw rocks at you.

Me: Ha. Of course you are.

Boris: See ya later.

Other than Sunday, I am working everyday through next Thursday, so I’ll catch ya all when I can.

Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man's Private Conversations

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations…

Wednesday on the phone with Schmoop:

Me: Hiya

Schmoop: Hi. Hey?

Me: What?

Schmoop: Can we have sex tonight?

Me: Sure!!

Schmoop: Cool.

Last Saturday at the Beer Mine talking to a regular (tipsy) who had a friend with her (also tipsy) in the passenger seat:

Me: Hiya…Smokes?

Regular: Yes, please.

Me: Five sixty fi--

Friend: Oh I want a Mountain Dew…

Me: Is this together or separate?

Friend: That’s fine.

Me: What does that mean?

Regular and Friend: Hee Hee Hee, LOL.

Yesterday on the phone with Ryno talking about his media success:

Me: So, Mr. Superstar is on the front page of the paper, eh?

Ryno: Darn right, and I look sexy.

Me: Oh please don’t---

Ryno: I’m taking a Sharpie with me to weightlifting, in case anyone wants my autograph.

Me: Oh dear God…Dude don’t get a big head, by tomorrow you’ll be as old as yesterday’s news.

Ryno: Dad, the front page may fade, but Ryan Mahoney is forever!!

Me: Ha…that was pretty good.

Ryno: Ha. I know.

Me: I’ll be over tomorrow around nine, be awake would ya?

Ryno: I’ll try…

Monday evening at the Beer Mine talking to the old, regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:

(pulls in blaring his horn)

Me: Shove that horn up your ass.

Boris: Get me a diet root beer and shut up.

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: (who has a big bucket of KFC next to him) You want a piece of chicken?

Me: Thanks, but it’s too damn hot to eat right now, but again, thank you.

Boris: Uh-huh…I bet if this was a bucket of steak you’d hit me over the head and take it from me.

Me: LOL…

Boris: See ya later.

Last night on the phone with Ryno after LeBron James announced that he was going to play for the Miami Heat:

Ryno: (crying) Hello?

Me: Hi Bud.

Ryno: (crying) This stinks.

Me: Sorry pal.

Ryno: (crying) I know.

Me: I’ll see ya tomorrow at nine. I love you, buddy.

Ryno: I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you tomorrow.

No matter how old your kid may be, or how trivial the issue may seem to us, there is nothing worse than seeing, or in this case, hearing your own kid cry.

But…he’ll recover. He is after all, just like his dad.

Off to see Ryno for a couple of hours this morning. Talk at ya all soonly.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man's Private Conversations

It’s Friday, so that means it’s time once again for Matt-Man’s Private Conversations, where I let you in on my most intimate conversations of the past week.

Sunday morning as Schmoop is staring into her make-up mirror, rubbing her right cheek:

Schmoop: Jesus Christ!!

Me: What is it?

Schmoop: I just shaved my legs and it looks like I’m gonna have to start shaving my damn face!!

Me: Hee Hee

Schmoop: It’s not funny. I’m getting every fucking part of menopause except the part that I want, dammit!! Look away from me…I’m hideous.

I just closed the Beer Mine up and was walking out to leave when I saw a big motherfucker sitting on our lot in a pick up truck:

Me: Can I help ya?

BMFer: I’m waiting on someone.

Me: Well, you’ll have to wait somewhere else.

BMFer: You don’t have to be an asshole.

Me: Asshole? Just get your truck off the lot, please.

BMFer: Why?

Me: ‘Cause it’s private property. Park on the street.

BMFer: Cocksucker.

Me: Blow Me.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…An old, Boris Karloff lookin’ guy who buys houses, renovates them, and rents them out, comes through two-three times a day to get a Diet Mt. Dew. He came through last night and it went like this:

Me: Diet Dew?

Boris: Did I say, Diet Mountain Dew? Get me a diet Root Beer.

Me: Not until you say, “please”.

Boris: Please!!

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: Where’s those other two clowns? Y’know if you had an elephant and a bag of peanuts, it would be like a circus around here.

Me: And you could be our freak show!!

Boris: Heh…That was pretty good.

I've had several good conversations with the old guy. Here are a couple…

Boris: Gimme a Diet Mountain Dew.

Me: Here ya go..$1.66, please.

Boris: Jeez…You should wear a mask.

Me: Why’s that?

Boris: ’Cause yer robbin’ everybody.

And my fave of all-time from a couple of months of ago. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks and then he came through:

Me: Hey there, stranger.

Boris: Haven’t seen me in awhile have ya?

Me: No I haven---

Boris: You was probably hopin’ I was dead.

Ha…Classic!!

The best thing about this guy? He acts all gruff and curmudgeonly, but every time the old bastard pulls away, he pulls away with a smile.

I dig that.

I’m hangin’ out with Ryno later this morning, and then taking the boy to lunch. Play nice while I’m gone.

Cheers!!

Private Conversations

It’s Friday so that means it’s time for the second round of my new installment, Private Conversations…I really need to come up with a catchier title, don’t I?

Anyhoo…

This is where I put snippets of my private conversations for the week out there, so we can all have a better understanding of the Matt-Man.

Here we go…

A Wednesday phone conversation with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus) After his five minute, expletive filled diatribe about the evils of the government of Israel:

Me: Wanna go grab a knish?

Richard: Fuck you, Mahoney.

Me: Shalom.

Sunday afternoon at 2:30 talking to Schmoop:

Me: Wanna have sex?

Schmoop: Can you still have dinner ready by five o’clock?

Me: Sure…

Schmoop: Okay

A twitter convo between my friend Dana and me:

Me: Are you at work? ‘Cause I am typing this message to you completely nekkid.

Dana: Why yes, I AM at work, fully clothed, but commando - does that count?

Me: Mmmmmmmmm. You win.

Speaking of Dana…I had speaks with Schmoop about Dana’s boobs on Tuesday:

Me: I saw a new pic of Dana’s cleavage. I had to comment on her girls.

Schmoop: What did you say?

Me: I said, “I want to eat them.”

Schmoop: Aren’t you precious?

Me: Ha. I wuuuuv youuuuu.

Schmoop: Whatevs.

Talking with my boss, Drive-By Mikey and our ice delivery guy, Luis, who is Mexican:

Mikey: Holy Shit Luis. You get slower and slower unloading that ice. Did you join a union?

Luis: Ha. Fuck you. (turns to me) You think I am getting slower too?

Me: Hell dude…I could have swam across the Rio Grande and back in the time it took you to unload that shit.

Luis: Ha Ha. You suck.

I have to take Ryno to an overnight Basketball camp this morning. Yesterday I called him to make sure what time he has to be there:

Me: 8 o’clock, buddy?

Ryno: Yep.

Me: We need to take some road music. What do you want me to bring?

Ryno: How ‘bout, The Cars? (my favorite band)

Me: Awwwww. I like that.

Ryno: I thought you would.

Me: And you were right.

Ryno: Aren’t I always?

Me: You had to ruin it, didn’t ya?

Ryno: Well, I am your son, Dad.

Me: Ha, true. I love you buddy.

Ryno: I love you too.

And there you have it folks…my second installment of Private Conversations.

Have a wonderful Friday, and I shall see ya after I get back from dropping Ryno off.

Cheers!!

Private Conversations

On some Fridays from now on, I will give you a little insight into my life by passing along some snippets from conversations that I have had during the past week.

Following, are a few little gems of verbal and oral pleasure I have been involved in recently.

Phone call with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus)…

Me: How’s things?


Richard: Not good. I had to put another one of my cats down.


Me: Eh, what a fuckin’ shame.

Talking to Ryno on the phone…

Ryno: Dad, you’ll never beat me in basketball so stick that in your juice box and suck it.


Me: I can still bring it…so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


Ryno: Ha. You’re awful. So stick that in your microwave and heat it up for a minute and then take it out and find it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds…Yeah…Do That, Old Man!!

Sunday morning talking incessantly about nothing as Schmoop stares at me in disbelief and then says:

Schmoop: Oh Dear God Mahoney, would you shut up!?


Me: You don’t like the lilting tone of my voice as I wax poetically?


Schmoop: No…Shut up.


Me: You shut up…in fact--


Schmoop: No, YOU SHUT up


Me: But I wuuuuuvvvvvv you. I lov---


Schmoop: Shut the hell up. Better yet, go somewhere far away and leave me here alone to die in peace!!


Me: I’ll go downtown and take some pictures.


Schmoop: Thank God!!

Talking to Mika Brzezinski of Morning Joe on MSNBC through my TV:

Mika: blah blah blah…blather blather blather


Me: Jesus Christ…Shut the fuck up dumbass!!
(That is a conversation I have nearly every weekday. God she’s stupid.)

At work Monday with our beloved Beer Mine owner Drive-By Mikey:

Mikey: Where’s the lawn chair?


Me: I didn’t bring it.


Mikey: You didn’t bring it?


Me: No.


Mikey: You suck. Just for that Matty-Boy, I’m going to sing


Me: Please don--


Mikey: On the wings of a snooooow whiiiite dove…

Talking to a sitting Schmoop Thursday night:

Me: That’s an amusing comment you left today.


Schmoop: I’ll be your straight man anytime.


Me: Ooooo, and I’ll be yours…


Schmoop: Would you please quit dry humping my arm, Mahoney!?

And there you have it for this Friday…a little peek into the wonderful world of Matt-Man.

Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and your intimate speaks with others.

I’m off all day today, so Bottoms Up, Bitches!!

Cheers!!