Monday, July 19, 2010

Matt-Man Has The Kavorka

It’s no secret that Schmoop and I have had “issues” of late, and really, after nearly ten years together, that’s not unusual.

It happens.

There is one problem however, that is an off-shoot of our latest issue, which, at least with her, seems to be an overriding theme.

That problem?

Chicks dig me and Bagwine.

I know, some of you don’t believe me, but it’s true, and I don’t understand it either, but it happens.

And really, I am not talking merely about chicks, I am talking about people in general…They dig me.

It’s both a blessing…and a curse.

I have analyzed the situation and I have come up with the following…Schmoop’s right, but we have different rationale on said situation.

Allow me to explain our different theories on this phenomenon.

How do I explain this oddity in the space/time continuum?

I tell Schmoop that people, and chicks particularly, evidently dig guys who have the “5 B’s”.


What are the 5 B's, you ask?

Bald Head, Beer Gut, Bad Teeth, nearly legally Blind, and yet, have a nice Butt.

And I tell her…“I am just kinda amusing and say what‘s on my mind…people like that.”

Schmoop said this…

“No, that’s not it. You have the same thing Kramer (from Seinfeld) had. You have, the “Kavorka”.”

Now for those of you who don’t know what the “Kavorka” is, allow me to offer you this definition from Seinfeld and through the Urban Dictionary:

The Kavorka is a word which originated from the Latvian Orthodox.

It means "the lure of the animal". It is described as a curse, making someone irresistible to anyone of the opposite sex, even attractive to the same sex, as people will be naturally drawn to you.

It's a heavy responsibility to have to be imposed with everyone's lusty wants, hence, it's consideration as a curse. People will want to be with you, be like you, be you.

And there you go.


Keep in mind…I didn’t make this observation, Schmoop did. And no, she wasn’t drunk when she made it…Well, too much.

I have the Kavorka, my friends. I may be Matt-Man, Bitches, but I am cursed.

Turn away from me; I’m hideous.

Cheers!!

40 comments:

Jeff B said...

Holy shit...that sunburn on your head must be worse than was first thought!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha..Are you sayin' I'm talkin' crazy talk? Hey, Schmoop brought it up. Cheers Jeff!!

MysteryChick said...

I could try to dig you less if that would help...

Maybe there's a program?

Matt-Man said...

Chcik: Ha...I knew there would be interesting comments, and that was funny. Thanks. Cheers Chick!!

MysteryChick said...

Dammit, I have no willpower...can't...stay...away!

David said...

I swear I love you for your mind and your wit but I have no interest in your little dick or your clit-licking skills - for the love of all that is holy, I don't have either of those.

Schmooop - please don't punish him for being desirable to the "others".

Jay said...

Okay, I'm nominating you to be on an episode of "Strange Sex" on TLC. Maybe they can find a cure for this Kavorka thing. Until then, be sure to use protection in case it's contagious.


Also..

"What that? Oh no, that isn't a rash with puss oozing sores on my penis. That's just Kavorka. It's harmless babe."

Matt-Man said...

David: No interest? I think thou doth protest too much. Cheers David!!

Jay: Ha. Were you in bed with me and Lisa Barlow in 1984 'cause I used that very line on her. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I understand...I am that powerful. Don't fight it. Please? Cheers Chick!!

Mike said...

So I was going to say HEY you used one of the two words ending in uum. Thought I'd better check out that statement. Wrong .... 9!!

http://wordfamous.com/ends-with-by-length/uum/

Phfrankie "Vahhst" Bondo said...

...keep your hands off my garlic!...

Kim said...

I have found that a sense of humor is my biggest turn on.

if you make me laugh, you're beautiful/handsome/hot in my book.

Or maybe my standards are low.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Nine, really. I shall go forth and check those words out. Cheers Mike!!

P-Man: You must give me your garlic and you will, because I'm a sven-jolly. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

Kim: I hear that a lot from women. Not the sense of humor thing, the "my standards are low", thing. Cheers Kimmeh!!

Irene said...

Schoomp is on to something.I think Kevin has the Kavorka too so I can identify.

Matt-Man said...

Irene: And Kevin and I must soon open our Styling Center. We'll call it, Kavor-Kuts. Cheers Irene!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The ladies love the Evil Twin. He calls them "sweetie" and "darling". He saves "Honey" for just me, though. After 18 years together, however, he realizes it's just "cheaper to keep her". (me)

Matt-Man said...

Other than calling Beth, Schmoop, I use no pet names. Many women on the other hand, call me, Matty...or Asshole. Cheers ETW!!

Karen said...

We all have our cross to bear. Yours is the Kavorka.

And really, Shmoop, isn't kind of a turn on that so many ladies want your man, and he wants you?

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Better to bear a cross than to burn one, I guess. And oh, I do hope Schmoop chimes in on your question. Cheers Karen!!

Beth said...

Karen: Yes it is, in a way. But I must say, I'm quite lucky.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Wow...That was sweet. Are you not feeling well? ; ) See ya tonight at nine, be naked. Zoves and Cheers, Schmoop!!

Beth said...

Ha! You got it, meet me in the cooler!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I'll Meat ya alright. I'll bend ya over the stack of Busch (appropriately enough) 30 packs. Cheers Schmoop!!

Dianne said...

one must learn to tame the Kavorka ...

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: But I really don't wanna!! Cheers Sexy!!

Dana said...

Call me optimistic, but I'm thinking we could develop a Kavorka vaccine ... maybe a little Snugs sweat, a little Uncle Charlie spew, a little Doggy Bloggy doo.

It's worth a shot (pun intended)!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: You may be on to something. But allow me to expand...

If I, and others saw those three naked together or merely talking to each other on video, it would turn me and the entire viewing audience off permanently. Cheers Dana!!

Raquel's World said...

You definitely have the Kavorka!

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Ha...Well thanks, and you definitely have a family full of cute. Cheers Roc!!

Charlene said...

I don't know about the "B's". My husband was popular with women. He'd spend hours talking to them on the phone and they were all at his funeral. He didn't have any of the "B's".

Had hair.
He was chubby, so no beer gut.
Good teeth.
Good eyes; wore glasses but wasn't blind.
Butt wasn't nice.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Ha...Sorry to laugh but well, I dig your open description of him. Here's to ya. Cheers Charlene!!

Micky-T said...

Kavorka, Kavorkian, isn't that when you kill people because there so wasted already you just put them out of their misery?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I do have a history of taking chicks out of their misery, so that's close. Cheers Mick!!

Lu' said...

That's right! You've got IT baby and I dig ya :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Rowwwwrrrrrr, and thanks baby. Cheers Lu!!

David said...

For the reportedly litte dick or the renowned pussy licking skills I do have no interest...but perhaps I doth protest too much because a nice butt, a woman's or a man's, does catch my eye. And the photographic evidence presented thusfar does confirm you do indeed have a very desirable butt.

hehe

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha...Spoken like a true gentleman. Here's to ya, David. Cheers!!

The Dish said...

Ya know, I like to say that we should be learning something new everyday, but today, you taught me several new things...

a.) I never realized that there was such a thing, and it is nice to finally have a name for this curse I have been dealing with my entire life.

b.) The 5 B's, huh? How about that.

c.) Sunburns really do melt the brain!

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Hee...As I often say, this site is chock full of information and is a great public service announcement platform. Cheers Dish!!