Friday, August 13, 2010

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiday so you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Sunday morning, half naked, in the Bagwine digs, singing a song that I thought of to the tune of the Theme from Shaft:

Me: Who is the man curing lepers ‘cross the lannnnd? Christ!! Right On.

Schmoop: (look of disbelief with mouth agape) Oh Dear God…

Me: Hee…Who’s so divine, turning water into wiiiiine? Christ!! Can ya dig it?

Schmoop: You’re such a dick.

Me: Ha. But I looooove you.

Schmoop: (walking away, shaking head) Whatever.

Wednesday morning talking with Jay on Twitter about me not being able to access our Blog Talk Radio home page:

Me: The damn thing won’t let me in.

Jay: I got in just fine.

Me: Okay…I’m in now. Can ya feel it?

Jay: Yeah. It hurts a little, but I’ll get used to it.

Tuesday night at the Beer Mine talking to some young chick who just pulled in:

Chick: Can I have a pack of Marlboro Light 100s?

Me: Sure. Do you have an ID?

Chick: No.

Me: Sorry. Can’t sell ’em to ya.

Chick: Awww, man. I’m just turned 21 for gods sakes.

Me: Well I don’t know that without seeing an ID.

Chick: (anger rising) I’m 21!! Would I be driving a car if I wasn’t 21!?

Me: Um…Last time I checked, a person in Ohio can drive when they’re 16.

Chick: (really pissed now) They’re for my mom anyway.

Me: You want to stick with that story, or would you like to show me an ID?

Chick: You’re an asshole. (drives away letting the Fuck Off’s fly)

Me: Hee Hee.

Thursday around 5 P.M. in the office of The Beer Mine with Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill giving me shit about my dangly earring:

Mikey: That’s dangerous. It could get caught on something.

Me: Or some idiot could rip it out.

Mikey: Exactly.

Me: That happened to me a long time ago in a bar fight. It hurt like hell.

Pizza Bill: Ha. You? You were in a bar fight?

Me: Yes indeed.

Pizza Bill: Was the guy in the wheelchair hurt bad?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Suck It.

Mikey: Ha. I was gonna say, “How old was she?”

Me: Oh you two are just a couple of funny fucks today aren’t ya?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha

Me: It’s all fun and games when we’re making fun of Matty-Boy.

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha.

Me: You guys suck.

And that’s all the private conversations for this week…

I’m off and getting drunker than shit today, because Schmoop’s basement is flooding so I need not worry about having to get it up later.

Have a Friday and a weekend, you chuckleheads!!



Jay said...

"Was the guy in the wheelchair hurt bad?" LOL! That's a great line.

You need to record your Shaft parody and post it on YouTube. I'm sure you'll get lots and lots of really positive reviews similar to the ones when you made fun of Huckabee back in the day. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Yeah Bill's a funny guy alright. And, I will record the song but those are the only verses I have. I need a couple more. That stupid Huckabee thing I did has like 3,500 views. Go figure. Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie "The Devout Catholic" Bondo said...

..."Who's the man with the nail in his hand? Christ...can ya dig it?"...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha...I shall add that. Thanks. Cheers P-Man!!

Desert Rat said...

"How old was she?" That's some funny shit, right there!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Drive-By is a funny man. He also never stops talking. Just ask Schmoop; she's known him since second grade. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Mike said...

You should have told the little chicky, "wait right here while I call the cops. If they say you can have them they're all yours."

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. I'll use that the next time. Cheers Mike!!

David said...

>>>>Me: Okay…I’m in now. Can ya feel it?

>>>>>Jay: Yeah. It hurts a little, but I’ll get used to it.

AND you say my sexual identity is ambiguous?????

But I effing love the line about was the guy in the wheelchair hurt. Hehe.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha...It was a good line. The shit. Cheers David!!

Scott Oglesby said...

When I was 17 I’d go to the beer distributor to get my cigarettes, they were always more worried about selling beer underage. And when we needed beer we’d call for delivery and my girlfriend would pretend she was my mom in the shower and yell down, “The money is on the table dear.” Always worked!

Beth said...

You suck!

Michele said...

Still laughing about bar fight conversation. *shakes head* That Pizza Bill is one funny dude.

Have a great day today. I'll be at work wrangling staff and writing policy. You could always come help.

Micky-T said...

I feel privileged to know exactly what this looks like and the sound of her voice.

(look of disbelief with mouth agape) Oh Dear God…

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Hee. How's the craps workin' out for ya? Cheers and Zoooves!!

Michele: Yes he is, and I'll be right down to help you out because my staff wrangling skills are legendary. Cheers Michele!!

Micky: Ha. I could see that look on her face as I read your comment and she's not even here. Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Hell you can't do the mom in the shower thing any longer. There is no tolerance for anything like that even if the smokes are really for mom or dad. Cheers Scott!!

Schmoop: Ha. That should have read: How's the CRAMPS workin' out fo ya?

Raquel's World said...

Yeah sure those cigarettes were for mom. That's why you're so upset. Umm hmm a likely story young lady.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Indeed. On top of that, she was just not a likeable human being. Cheers Roc!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

GD it!!! Everyone's basement's flooding!!! Fuck!!! well guess not fuck.... dammit.....

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: Am I drunk or did your comment make no sense whatsoever? Cheers Doll!!

Dice Mardell said...

Who is the man curing lepers ‘cross the lannnnd? Christ!! Right On.

Bwwahahahahha! You rock my Catholic phfunny bone!!!

Suck it, er, affectionately yours,

Matt-Man said...

Dice: Ha...Your batting average is spectacular. You comment once every two months and yet, you always hit it out of the park. Cheers Dice!!

Lu' said...

Hee hee hee good read my friend :) When that movie came out I was under age for the R rated movie so I got all made up and two of my friends and I went to the theater and they believed I was 18 so we were able to see the picture. I'm glad of it too. That is a good movie. Right on! HA!
Have a great weekend Bud'

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ricahard Roundtree and I LOOOOOVE You. Cheers Lu!! ; )~

Jeff B said...

Dicking with under age-ers, now that would be reason enough to work at the beer mines.

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

I'm sure you are exactly as drunk as me and what I meant was while the basement's flooded there will be no fucking for Dingo... Cheers! UGH I am STILL drunk. Piss on Marci Playground and waaay too much tequila!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Oh and Schmoop I can sympathise with you... the Christ song, while hilarious would be annoying as hell (or heaven depending on perspective) if my BF was singing it--I;D hit in square in tha nutz!! (sowwy Matty:()

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: I smell sex and candy...You are a fucking nut. I love it. Make sure you let me know if you guys are coming up to Ohio next month. We'll have beers. Cheers Doll!!

Marilyn said...

You mean, "I'm buying them for my Mom," didn't totally convince you?

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha...No. Cheers Marilyn!!