Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Little Boy Blue

It’s going to be a warm, humid Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. There’s also a chance of thunderstorms so you could say the atmosphere is a bit unsettled.

My mood yesterday was much the same. It was a pretty crappy day for several reasons. In fact…

As you can see in the picture of me at work, I am like a modern day Little Boy Blue. My clothes are blue and so am I.

Allow me to ‘splain…

I woke up Saturday with a “post-off all day Friday hangover”, and to the fact that since Schmoop is shedding her uterine walls, there will be no sex for several days.

However, Schmoop had gone to the grocery and only spent four dollars more than she intended to and my hangover was already receding.

Schmoop also made a gorgeous, ginormous sandwich for me to take to work.

Things were looking up right? Well…

I got to work, opened up the bag I take with me and had everything I meant to bring except for one thing…

The gorgeous, ginormous sandwich that Schmoop made. Fuck!!

And the masses came to the Beer Mine. Busier than hell and I was hot, sweaty, and hungry, and in need of a smoke.

And then it got better…The phone started ringing while I had a line of cars and the dumb ass caller kept letting it ring.

When I finally answered it, it was some jackass with a funny voice who was trying to call the airport. I hung up.

Still busy, the phone rang again, and after it rang 15 more times I answered it and it was the same guy wanting flight information. I hung up again, and was pissed.

I was still getting cars in and out when once again the phone rang. I answered the phone by saying, “What!!!?”

On the other end of the line? It was the Beer Mine owner, Drive-By Mikey laughing his ass off. He was the one who had been calling “the airport”. Fucker.

And then?

The rains came…

I was slipping and sliding all over the place and one person needed ice.

So, I had to go out in the thunderstorm to get a bag of ice for some chick with a thicker beard than mine.

Now, I was sweaty, hungry, horny, pissed off and soaking wet.

And then? Something happened that completely accelerated my already fragile, pissed off mood.

My son Ryno and his mom showed up but his mom wasn’t driving...someone else was...

See what Ryno is holding in his hand ? That’s his temporary learner’s permit to drive.

Oh Dear God…Kill me now and take me Jeebus!! This just…isn’t…good.

I hope today is better, and I am no longer feeling like Little Boy Blue.

Would someone…anyone…like to come blow Little Boy Blue’s horn and make him feel better?

Amen and Amen…

Working all day at The Beer Mine, so swing by for some cold ones.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

Dana said...

Sooo ... Ryno get's his Learner's Permit and the first place he drives to is the Beer Mine??

I think I'd be saying a few prayers too ;)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha. That is ironic, and not a good omen. Cheer Dana!!

jme said...

um, matt-man....we really need to talk. um, well, ryno is a cutie - no doubt, but ah, what the hell is up with the ELECTRIC AMISH BANGS? what the fuck, chuck!! time for a bang intervention, seriously. those tupperware bangs are going to seriously diminish his changes of getting laid in the near future. wait, maybe this is your "secret" form of teenage birth control? omg, you are a genius.

jme said...

*chances

jesus, i was so thrown off by your new form of teenage birth control i couldn't think straight.

Matt-Man said...

jme: Ha. Yeah I know...Actually his hair spikes up really well, when he does it, but when he is too lazy to spike it, it looks like that. Eh...He has to live with it. Cheers jme!!

Matt-Man said...

jme: Ha. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Would someone…anyone…like to come blow Little Boy Blue’s horn and make him feel better?

Ha ha ha I just had to laugh and I did; thanks.

P.S. I've been know to play a excellent rendition of reveille...

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

(typo fixed)

"Now, I was ...."

Just when you think it can't get worse, God says "Oh yeah? watch this!"

Scott Oglesby said...

Congrats to Ryno!

About a year ago I was going down to the coast for the day and packed a big, beautiful lunch, on my way out the door I also took the garbage (which is in nothing but a grocery store bag) out and tied it up.

You can imagine my dismay to open my lunch to find dirty paper towels and banana peels. It happens to the best of us.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: God is a freakin' comedic genius. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Ha. Now that's some funny shit right there. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Reville eh? Come wake me up, Baby. Cheers Lu!!

Joker_SATX said...

Matt,

Get him a T-Shirt that reads, "If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!"

Matt-Man said...

Joker: That's a thought, but he doesn't need any encouragement to not pay attention. Cheers Joker!!

Baseball Mom said...

I am with you on the Learner's Permit. It is hard watching the these steps more towards adulthood. I could pass on some of them.

But least now you have leverage with school work .. no get your crap done .. no get to drive. Haha I like it when we finally have to upper edge.

So did the Sandwich ever get eat?

I too hope you are no longer feeling like Litte Boy Blue. :)

(damn .. did I ramble enough this morning??)

Matt-Man said...

Baseball: Yeah...Hopefully this is the one kick in the ass we have been looking for for evah.

Yes, the sandwich got eaten and it was maginfique', and hopefully my mood shall pass when the sun comes out later and I have two bottles of NOS in me.

Your ramblng was just fine. I encourage rambling. Cheers Mom!!

Jay said...

Well look at it this way. Pretty soon you can call Ryno up and have him run errands for you. Tell him to run get you some lunch and pick up some smokes and stuff like that. See, there's always a positive side to everything. ;-)

Michele said...

Yay! for Ryno. That there is what we call a milestone.

I'm with Jay, now Ryno can run home to get your sandwich when you forget.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. That's just what I'll do...send him after my smokes. Ha. You a funny man, very funny man. Cheers Jay!!

Michele: It is a milestone and I am happy that HE is so happy. What more can a parent want? Cheers Michele!!

Desert Rat said...

Oy! I won't be driving in Bagwine anytime soon! ha!

Hope you're feeling more like the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy than Little Boy Blue this evening!

When I was a teen, every day was a bad hair day, so no way could I, with good conscience, dis' Ryno's bangs... of course with a BAD conscience I could say something...

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. It's okay. I make fun of his bangs all the time. To whic he typically replies: "Don't hate me, 'cause you ain't me." Cheers Rat!!

Marilyn said...

learners permit? :::Shudders in horror::: Now I'm gonna have nightmares.

David said...

Ryno: Dad I need a car.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: I am already there. Cheers Marilyn!!

David: That ain't happenin' anytime soon. Cheers David!!

Raquel's World said...

Thanks for a new way to express my indesire to screw "not tonight honey, I'm shedding my uterine walls". Cheer up already.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Ha. Glad I could help, and I feel just duckie. Cheers Roc!!