Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Chinese Embassy, The U.S. State Department, and Matt-Man: Recipe for Disaster...and Freedom!!

As many of you know, in between the annoying disruptions of my brother dying and Jayman retiring from the blogsophere, I have seceded from the United States.

I told you Tuesday that Homeland Security is beginning to put the heat on me because of my secession, so I was going to attempt to secure economic and military aid from China and post my request to them on my site.

Wednesday, I contacted the Chinese Embassy in Washington (along with a copy to the U.S. State Department) stating my request for such aid.

Herein, is an exact copy of the email that I sent to my soon to be Chinese friends…

Dear and Honorwable Ambrassador Zhang Yesui,

First of all, I am not formalry trained in the Chinese ranguage, but I shall do my best to exprain myself using the wittle bit of Chinese that I know.

My name is Matt Mahoney and I am seceding from the United States of Amerwica. I don’t think the U.S. State Department nor the Department of Homerand Security rike this idea, and me feel thwettened.

The name of this new nation that I have created is, The Benevorent Bungarow of Bagrine, and I am its Head of State. My official title is Phirosopher King and I am being subjected to cyber surveirance by the U.S. government.

What I am looking for from you, the wonderful people of China, are thwee things:

Wecognition, Economic Aid, and if need be, Milratarwee Assistance and Pwotection.

A) Wecognition
We are but a tiny nation of two people, but are adamant in our desire to be wecognized as a fwee and autonomous country.

For more info about our country you can forrow the wink that I sent the U.S. State Department:

B) Economic Aid

Once we are ultimatery surrounded by the massive might of the U.S. Milrartarwee, we will be cut off from our food surprise.

If you could fry in some care packages of Ramen noodles, Crab Rangoon, pot stickers, and Tsingtao beer, it would tide us over until we are free.

C) Milratarwee Assistance

I am currentry prepared to hold off any attack by the government with the T-Shirt cannon that I stole from my rast trip to the ballpark. That baby can hurl a silk scweened bolt of cotton like nobody’s business, however…

The T-Shirts I am armed with, were made in Taiwan. I don’t want Chinese-Light T-Shirts; I want shirts made in the real China.

After all, the Taiwanese gave up garment craftsmanship years ago, and I hear that T-Shirts made in Shanghai have a higher thread count, therefore containing more stopping power.

If you could send a couple hundred gross of Shanghai made T-Shirts, I would feel safer.

I twuly apprweciate you taking the time to weed this communiqué, and I hope we can have speaks soonly.

When we do meet, prease bwing arong a ringuist who knows the Engrish ranguage well.

Cheers and Me Ruv Yu Rong Time,

Matt Mahoney
Phirosopher King of The Benevorent Bungarow of Bagrine

cc: U.S. Department of State


Jay said...

This is fweaking cwazy! And weally hirawious.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: What's willy fweaking cwazy is that I can't stop talking wike this. Cheers Jay!!

sybil law said...

Vrery funny engrish.

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: I thought my case would be more effective if I spoke their own ranguage. Cheers Hot Lips!!

Mike said...

Are you sure China doesn't have an embassy in Bagwine? With all the business they do with the USA they should be as plentyful as starbucks. They may even open one up in The Benevorent Bungarow of Bagrine.

Joker_SATX said...

And the fortune cookie says:

"One who seeks freedom must switch from briefs to boxers."

Your lucky numbers:

6 -13 -27- 34 and 2

Matt-Man said...

Mike: You'd think they'd have one here considering the nmber of Chinese Buffets, but Cheers Mike!!

Joker: Hee. I must be ahead of my time because I never wear briefs. Often times I wear no underwear at all. Cheers Joker!!

Beth said...

I only have two words for you. Booty Thursday! Who loves herself;)

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Ooooooo Baby. Me ruv you rong time and tonight, I'm a gonna ruv and rub you rong way for rong time. Cheers and Zooooves!!

Knight said...

This is hilarious. It doesn't read as a Chinese accent to me though. It's more like a tiny elderly man with a real odd speech impediment. That is even more interesting.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. Well, it was a crash course that I gave myself while in a stupor so maybe I came off sounding like Foster Brooks. Cheers Knight!!

MysteryChick said...

Maybe when they send the other supplies they'll send along the Rosetta Stone program to learn Chinese.

What's your backup plan?

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Actually, I'd dig getting some Rosetta programs. I love different languages. As for my back up plan?

I'd tell ya but then I'd have to kill you, well...not kill you, but tie you up and "torture" you, as it were. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Desert Rat said...

Raugh out Roud!

Matt-Man said...

Wat: Ahhhhhh, fank yu, fank yu. Me ruv yu rong time. Cheers!!

Average Chick said...

Luckily I was already on the crapper when I read this otherwise I would have wet myself....How many times did you have to pause writing this to laugh your ass off??