Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Department of Homeland Security and the U.S. State Department: Operation Drink Bagwine Dry!!

Last week, I began my secessionist movement from the United States by declaring our apartment an autonomous nation known as the, Benevolent Bungalow of Bagwine.

I sent an e-mail to the attention of William Burns who is the Under Secretary for Political Affairs at the U.S. State Department alerting him of my secession.

You can read the transcript of the e-mail by clicking, HERE.

I have yet to hear from him directly or anyone from the State Department, but yesterday at 9:20 A.M., I noticed that perusing the pages of Bagwine Ruminations, was someone from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security:

April 11th 2011 09:20:46 AM
Referring URL: 0
Washington, District Of Columbia, United States
Department Of Homeland Security (
No referring link

While I stated in my e-mail to Under Secretary Burns that I wanted to maintain warm, diplomatic relations with the U.S. during my secession, I consider DHS doing sub rosa intelligence work on me to be an affront to my extended arm and open hand.

In fact, I see this action of internet espionage in lieu of contacting me openly, to be akin to a cyber assault on the Benevolent Bungalow of Bagwine and her sovereignty.


As this nascent, enclave nation of Bagwine is obviously staring down the business end of the wrath of the United States Department of Homeland Security and State Department, I have no alternative but to seek not only economic aid, but military aid as well.

To wit…

On Tuesday, I shall be sending electronic communiqu├ęs to not only the Chinese Embassy, but to the United Nations is hopes of seeking some type of peace keeping force.

If my requests meet with success in securing economic and military aid, I will then contact the International Olympic Committee and put in BBB’s request to host the 2020 Summer Olympic games.

I shall post my e-mails on Wednesday and give you any updates on my progress, and/or any jail cell descriptions that I can relate in the coming hours.

But let me say this…

If I am jailed over this, it is a violation of International Law because I should be afforded diplomatic immunity, after all, I have the plates to prove that I am a credentialed diplomat:

Take that, State Department!!

I am off now for there is much to do, but I shall post a copy of my e-mails Wednesday. Wish me luck, and pray that Bagwine’s struggle for independence comes to fruition.



Jay said...

If anyone in our govt had a sense of humor, they would station a border patrol agent outside your building. Then, when you attempted to leave to go on a beer and cigarette run .. uh .. to import some beer and cigarettes, he'll stop you and ask you if you have a visa to enter the U.S.

But, nobody does, so it'll probably be a Waco style siege at dawn the day after negotiations breaks down. Yeah, YOU are the person Obama will finally stand up to.

Also, ignore that buzzing sound. It's just a CIA Predator Drone making a surveillance run.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I have the beer and smoke runs covered. I'll just send our intern in absentia, Little Jimmy Stewart, to collect supplies.

As for Predator Drones? They control some flights of those out of the Air National Guard Base some 4 miles from here. I'll be hearing the buzzing alright, but I shant fold. Cheers Jay!!

Jay said...

Do you have blackout curtains? How about sandbags? Barbed wire? Please tell me you made a list of supplies you would need BEFORE seceding??

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Of course I prepared...I'm using that 80 year old woman who lives down the hall as a Human Shield. I'm a fucking genius. Cheers Jay!!

Mike said...

Homeland security really responds fast to emails. That is IF somebody sent them one.

Beth said...

That's it! I'm moving to Arkansas. Nothing bad ever happens there;)

Michele said...

You do know that these people have no sense of humor, right? Of course, you do. That's why you are doing this. Applause!!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I actually have no idea what you mean. I didn't contact DHS but evidently someone did. Cheers Mike!!

Schmoop: Bailing on me are ya? Things get a little hot and you flee to Arkansas. You are such a sunshine patriot. Cheers and Zooooves!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: All I have to say to your insightful comment is this: "Exactly !!"

Cheers Michele!!

Raquel's World said...

I just keep thinking we are gonna hear about you on the news after they've locked you up of course.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Well, with any luck I will still be heard from and not disappear altogether. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

MysteryChick said...

Now reporting from Bagwine, Ohio...I keep expecting to hear those words but have not, yet. The week is still young!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I hope so. You'll visit me won't you? Please? Cheers Chick!!

MysteryChick said...

Of course I will! xoxo

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I appreciate it. I hope it's a conjugal visit. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Desert Rat said...

So, now when I mail you shit, am I gonna have to fill out one of those annoying little forms? (What's in it, declared value, etc.). Does Bagwine have a ban or excise tax on any specific items I should know about?

I'll be sure and sanitize my shoes and make sure I have only $9,999.00 on my person when I visit. I think I'm current on my immunizations.

Can I be your Ambassador to Arizona?

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I am setting it up so that when you mail something, in addition to a USPS stamp there need only be a smiley face drawn on the envelope.

As for takes, those are collected on the barter system, and I think you can accurately guess what those charges will be.

Lastly, you can, and will be my ambassador to Arizona, because that we leave me free to never encounter Jan Brewer. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

sybil law said...

Love it.
But how have I missed 3 posts by you that just showed up in my feed reader today?! GAH.
Anyway, I still seek asylum to Bagwine.

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: Hee. I don't know how you missed them...maybe the government is intercepting them. Happy Asylum here in Bagwine!!