Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Holy Wednesday: Judas Slips Jesus Some Tongue

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2011.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Monday at sunset marked the beginning of Passover.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I am preparing for our Easter Extravaganza on I'm With Stupid, Saturday at Noon EDT.

Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.
In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why Judas did that has been a matter of much speculation. However... 

The answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time.

What does that have to do with his name, you ask?

Well, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover.

The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

But, after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, Pharaoh remained unyielding, so God got really pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!  How come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago, I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worst one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters.

Thus far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters, and will explain little known facts about the Last Supper on Thursday.

Lastly, I want to thank Jesus for doing a promo for our I'm With Stupid Easter Extravaganza which airs on Blog Talk Radio, Saturday at Noon EDT:



Mike said...

I don't think I was ever able to make it all the way through Cecil's epic.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...I love that movie. Anne Baxter was smokin' hot in it. Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

You know, all over Mexico you find lots of guys named Jesus, right? But, none named Judas. Sure, it seems obvious, but Germans didn't stop naming their kids Adolf, so why can't people name their kid Judas?

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I forge now, but since you brought it up, I think Pontius and Benito are great names for boys, and Typhoid Mary is a female moniker that rolls pleasantly off the tongue. Cheers Funny Man!!

Michele said...

I had always heard that it was Ketchum, Idaho that you should be nervous of. The saying in Washington State goes: Ketchum. Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ye, though I walk through the Valley of Man Rape, I shall fear no sodomizer. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

I'm not so sure we have survived the IKEA plague.....

Knight said...

Yeah right. If your ass is chaste then I'm the Virgin Mary.

MysteryChick said...

If only you had taught my Sunday School class, I might still be Catholic.

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: We have escaped that plague here in Bagwine as well as the Starbucks menace. Cheers Pfunny Man!!

Knight: What are you saying? My ass is still a virgin other than infiltration of that Charmin dude. Cheers Knight!!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Oh I doubt it...I'm not Catholic any longer for a reason myself. Cheers Sexy!!

sybil law said...

You are the man, Matt -Man!

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: Ha. Thanks Sybil, but rest assured, The Last Supper and Good Friday will be even more "informative". Cheers Hot Lips!!

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! JEW DUST! ROTFLMAO! The only thing funnier would have been if you told me his name was Melvin!


Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha. Yeah Melvin's a good name too. Cheers Joker!!