Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week: Holy Tuesday...Those Virgins are HOT !!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles.

John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.


Jeebus got the festivities started by saying...

“Behold; we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.
They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.



Beth said...

BWHAAAAA!!! I mean, sick, just sick.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: No one ever said that the lead up to dying for the sins of all mankind was pretty. Cheers and Zooooves!!

Jay said...

There's a porno version of every story ever told.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I know!! That's the true beauty of the Bible. Cheers Jay!!

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! I love that second graphic!

And I can definitely see your interpretation of the Bible on this one.


Matt-Man said...

Jker: I am The Light and The Way, and all who listen to me, have a truer understanding of history. Cheers Joker!!

Mike said...

By the time easter is over the NKJV will be out and the MMV will be the latest and greatest.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Damn right!! King James has got nothing on me. Such a hack. Cheers Mike!!

Desert Rat said...

Love the second photo! Ha!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Virgins, Oil, Holy Tuesday What more can you ask?

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Yeah it's pretty good. Who knew tha JC was such a schmuck? Cheers Adorable One!!

Vin: Cheez Whiz would be nice. Cheers Vin!!