Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.
Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…
"Tuesday has no feel."
However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.
The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.
In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.
And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.
Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…
But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.
In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.
On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.
Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…
Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles.
John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.
The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.
Jeebus got the festivities started by saying...
“Behold; we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”
The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.
It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.
The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.
The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.
And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.
All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…
“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”
Damn right they do, Bart.
Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.