The Last Supper: Eat, Drink, and Make Mary!!

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse, so let's chow down...

J-Man and His Gang of Twelve all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who had a foot fetish, washed their feet.

Why the feets washing, you ask?

Allow me to 'splain...

J-Man was known among the group not as Lord. Not as Teacher. Not as Master...

Jeebus was referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess they were thinking that twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader, or something.

And as the Big Toe and a quasi-person who had a fear of toe jam, Jesus liked to scour the figurative feet of redemption.

Anyhoo..

They all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was not weeping because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow; he was weeping because he knew that he had just received his last blow job.

As I explained yesterday, Judas had already identified to the Romans which guy was Christ by slipping him some tongue.

Jeebus stood in the garden, dried his tears, turned his frown upside down, looked at Judas, and said…

“Judas? It was you who kissed me, and here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry...as angry as angry could be, and, it was Matthew who cried out to God announcing the travesty that they were witnessing by screaming:

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Somebody trumpet out for pizza, god dammit, I'm fucking starving!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied, puffing on a cigarette, and accepting the fact that she would be unfairly and untruthfully demonized for centuries.

And there you have it folks…

The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And tomorrow...I shall accurately and truthfully describe his madcap march to the cross.

Until then, and as always...

Cheers!!

Holy Wednesday: Judas Slips Jesus Some Tongue

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2011.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Monday at sunset marked the beginning of Passover.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I am preparing for our Easter Extravaganza on I'm With Stupid, Saturday at Noon EDT.

Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why Judas did that has been a matter of much speculation. However... 

The answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time.

What does that have to do with his name, you ask?

Well, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover.

The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

But, after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, Pharaoh remained unyielding, so God got really pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!  How come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago, I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worst one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters.

Thus far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters, and will explain little known facts about the Last Supper on Thursday.

Lastly, I want to thank Jesus for doing a promo for our I'm With Stupid Easter Extravaganza which airs on Blog Talk Radio, Saturday at Noon EDT:

Cheers!!

Jesus Betrayed By a Kiss And Jews Are Running Amok

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…

I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.

After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.

I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.

Cheers!!

I Am The Light and the Toe

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse.

They all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who has a foot fetish, washed their feet. In fact…

J-Man’s nickname among the group was not Lord. It wasn’t Teacher. It wasn’t Master...

Jeebus preferred to be referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess he was thinking twelve apostles make a foot and he was the leader.

Anyway, they all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus knew that he was going to die tomorrow, and that he had just received his last blow job.

Just then, Judas came out and kissed Jeebus in an act of betrayal, signaling him to be the Messiah to the Roman soldiers.

Jeebus dried his tears, looked at Judas and said…

“And here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry. As angry as angry as could be. And, it was Matthew who cried out to God…

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of frickin’ bread? Someone call out for pizza, dammit!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied and puffing on a cigarette.

And there you have it folks…The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Jeebus is being held by the authorities and I have begun my 72 hour fast. None of this can be good for anyone.

But to improve the mood a bit...Here is me singing Nazarean Dandy in an updated form. I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers!!

Foresaking, Pharaoh, and Fasting

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover. AND…This is the last day that I will be consuming any food whatsoever until Easter Morning.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt. I’m on the eve of a 72 hour fast, and Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why did he do this? That has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad.

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

He plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four frickin’ hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coarsing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower, instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek dudes are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

Now lastly, on this most Holy Wednesday, a warning.

After today, I shall be fasting until Easter. I cannot be held responsible for what may appear on this blog during my, Caloric Purge for Christ.

If I begin to babble incoherently, do not call a doctor, a cleric, or especially a Greek dude. I’ll muddle through.

And with that, a picture of my Last Supper…

What is this meatless feast? Onion and Herb Stuffing baked with kidney beans, garlic, and Velveeta.

Oh yeah, Baby!! Is that Yum-Oh, or what?

More Hole-ly-ness to come tomorrow!!

Cheers!

Holy Week: It's Wednesday, Who's There?

Yesterday, we spoke about how Jeebus was a bit of a prankster and jokester.

Well, have I got some news for you!!

Back in 1999, while trying to bury what was left of my self-esteem in the backyard of my “soon to be handed over to the ex” estate:

Something HUGE Happened…

I discovered an ancient religious text buried beneath several inches of dirt, dead grubs, and three empty bottles of Bagwine.

This my friends, forever changed my life.

Much like the Book of Menus, that I mentioned yesterday, this was quite the find.

This ancient book reveals that our boy Jeebus, was on the cutting edge of comedy, and the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke.

From what I have heard through the word of God, he came up with them on the Wednesday prior to his crucifixion.

While most of his jocularity has been lost, my fortuitous dig turned up the lost Knock-Knock jokes of Jeebus Christ.

This text, which was labeled, The Book of Rodney, was full of these gems, and comprises the first book of what I call, The Knockstic Gospels.

I also found a series of unmarked one-liners by Jeebus, that I have called, the Book of Henny. More on that at a later date.

The Book of Rodney contains the following…

Father, the Pharisees show me no respect. (Rodney 1: 1)

I walked into the Temple, and the Moneychangers said unto me, “You are so ugly; you would have to sneak up on a glass of Holy Water.” (Rodney 1: 7-8)

I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a Peeping Thomas booing. He also doubted me. (Rodney 3: 14)

We then get into a few of his Knock-Knock jokes…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Jew. Jew Who? Dry Your Yiddish Tears You Big Ninny. (Rodney 5: 17-18)

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Judas. Judas Who? Judas See Who Kissed Me? (Rodney 13: 28)

And my favorite…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Noah. Noah Who? Noah good Doctor who could sew up the holes in my hands? (Rodney 11: 22-24)

What a Holy Laugh Riot the Holy Baby Jeebus turned out to be…You RAWK Jay-Cee!!

There’s also a funny story about Holy Wednesday that is relayed to us in the Book of Rodney…

And thusly, the Apostles awoke on the mid week day. There was a ruckus. Bartholomew asked, “What the Hell is going on?”

Matthew spaketh, “Jeebus is plowing Mary Magdalene’s Garden of Eden.”

Thaddeus answered…

“I hope Jeebus’ snake doesn’t get charred by her Burning Bush.”

Jeebus emerged from the den, and spoke,"Mary and I were happy for twenty years...and then we met. Bada Bing, I'll be here til Friday!!"

Jeebus, all 12 Apostles, and a butt-nekkid Mary laughed their Holy asses off. (Rodney 7: 10-17)

And that my friends, is what transpired on Holy Wednesday.

I hope to see you all tomorrow for a special Easter edition of Half Nekkid Holy Thursday.

Cheers!!