Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Last Supper: Eat, Drink, and Make Mary!!

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse, so let's chow down...

J-Man and His Gang of Twelve all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who had a foot fetish, washed their feet.

Why the feets washing, you ask?

Allow me to 'splain...

J-Man was known among the group not as Lord. Not as Teacher. Not as Master...

Jeebus was referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess they were thinking that twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader, or something.

And as the Big Toe and a quasi-person who had a fear of toe jam, Jesus liked to scour the figurative feet of redemption.

Anyhoo..

They all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was not weeping because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow; he was weeping because he knew that he had just received his last blow job.

As I explained yesterday, Judas had already identified to the Romans which guy was Christ by slipping him some tongue.

Jeebus stood in the garden, dried his tears, turned his frown upside down, looked at Judas, and said…

“Judas? It was you who kissed me, and here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry...as angry as angry could be, and, it was Matthew who cried out to God announcing the travesty that they were witnessing by screaming:

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Somebody trumpet out for pizza, god dammit, I'm fucking starving!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied, puffing on a cigarette, and accepting the fact that she would be unfairly and untruthfully demonized for centuries.

And there you have it folks…

The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And tomorrow...I shall accurately and truthfully describe his madcap march to the cross.

Until then, and as always...

Cheers!!

15 comments:

Mike said...

I'd like to wash Jennifer Lopezes feet. As a start.

Michele said...

Wow! You've been listening in church. I spent most of my time in the furthermost pew from the front trying to lure the boys into sin.

JR says that this was the exact way that the last supper was explained to him in Catholic school minus the Big Toe.

I bet I know what he did with that big toe.

Dana said...

I await the climax with bated breath! Wait! Is it okay to say climax when talking about Jeebus??

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I'm not into feet, but like everything else on on J-Lo I'm they're very nice. Cheers Mike!!

Michele: Nothing like being lured in by a Catholic girl, and I'm glad that JR has given confirmation to my outline of events. Cheers Michele!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: It's not only okay to mantion climax when speaking of Him, it's encouraged. Cheers Dana!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Even God is laughing at this post.

Well done, sir!

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: I sure as Hell hope so, and thanks, Pfunny Man. Cheers!!

Joker_SATX said...

You missed the part where Thomas helped Mary wipe the Man Sauce off her chin...

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha. Nice touch. See you in Heell. Cheers Joker!!

Raquel's World said...

Matt lots of Jesus stuff lately....hmmmm has someone been sneaking off to church?

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: It's Holy Week; I'm given the J-Man his due. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Jay said...

Holding the last supper at a Jewish Deli was probably a bad idea. The food would have been better down at the Sizzlin'.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hell they were surrounded by Romans, they, like Matthew suggested, should have just ordered Little Caesar's. Cheers Jay!!

Average Chick said...

I'm half tempted to go to church just to tune them out and interject your story.....I think the laughing would give me away though..

Matt-Man said...

AC: Ha...Don't let yourself do it. Don't go to Church I mean. They're evil...pure evil. Cheers Hot Stuff!!