Ask the Bag Man: Wild Irish Rose, Rocks!!

Some of you may have never seen my advice column that I do occasionally, called, Ask the Bag Man.

I answer questions about Bagwine in general, and Wild Irish Rose, in particular. Here is yet another installment.

If you'd like to read the previous issues, click HERE.

Dear Bag Man,

I looooove Wild Irish Rose, but sometimes after drinking a little too much of it, I have problems getting it up.

It has led to some frustration between my lady and I. Any suggestions? And no, NOT drinking Rose is not an option.

Cheers,

Limp Larry
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Limp,

First of all, I would never recommend that anyone stop drinking the Queen of Bagwines, and I have confronted this same situation (haven’t I, Schmoop?).

You, my flaccid friend, have several options.

You can switch from the Red Rose to the Wild Fruit. It contains ginseng. You can add crushed Viagra to your Rose, making it what I call, a Bagwine Spits-Her.

If those fail you, there is the nuclear option. Just put some Aquadots (call me, I have a supplier) into your lady’s pre-coital meal.

When ingested, those recalled play beads act just like Ecstasy. She’ll pass out, and you can spend the night drinking yourself into Rose-Blivion.

The next morning, bring her breakfast in bed, and tell her how great the four hour sex session was. She’ll not remember a thing and be too embarrassed to disagree. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

If I start drinking Wild Irish Rose, is it possible that I could become as uber-cool as you?

Lochaim,

Nerdy Jew Wanting to be Way Gentile Cool
Ft. Myers, Florida

Dear Nerdy,

Highly improbable. Oh sure, the wondrous effects may add a little charm to your personality, but being as cool as I, is a gift given to me by the Almighty.

WIR is a powerful and magical mistress, but even she has limits as to what she can do.

And I caution you, if you are an asshole or a prick to begin with, Rose will only help to illuminate that; more often than not, in public places.

She may be a kind lady, but she can also be a wicked and fickle, female of fermented flagitiousness.

Tread carefully, my friend of the Twelve Tribes, tread carefully. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

Have you ever cooked with Wild Irish Rose?

Cheers,

Rachel Ray
Hugeass, New York

Dear Rachel,

I cook with WIR nearly everyday. Not in the sense that I put it into my recipes, but rather, I drink it as I cook.

My culinary skills are at their peak after I have had a few glasses of Rose. It has inspired in me, the creativity to produce amazingly nouveau dishes.

One Saturday night during a Wild Irish Rose fest, I made a full course meal that was out of this world.

For an appetizer, I dipped olives into a batter made from flour, buttermilk and horseradish and deep-fried them in a skillet of hot Gatorade.

They were delicious, however, I did break three teeth because I forgot that the olives had pits. Due to the WIR, I could neither feel nor hear the enamel shattering.

The salad was made from fescue harvested from the backyard, sardines and topped with a dressing of ketchup, and okra that I had mashed with a rolling pin.

The main course consisted of a Donatos Serious Meat Pizza. Hey, I can’t do all the work!!

For dessert, I prepared a scrumptious pudding made out of Split Pea soup, raisins, cinnamon, and Hall’s Cherry Cough Drops. Yum-Oh!!

I hope my story inspires you to cook while drinking WIR as well. Cheers!!

That’s it for today folks. I won’t be around much today, because I am off to see the little guy, and then to work tonight.

Have a lovely Tuesday…

Cheers!!